Tuesday, 16 December 2008
Guest post submitted by a Revelife reader
Did you ever have a moment with God that blew you away?
I'm putting myself out on a limb here, and being vulnerable...but after what happened.. it's definitely worth it.
God loves us, as individuals. As unique, different, one of a kind individuals. With unique, different, one of a kind prayer requests. He knows everything we ask of Him, and He knows what is best.
Proof for me, the theme of the Servant's retreat, was faithfulness- God's faithfulness to us, and our faithfulness to him.
I guess my biggest hurdle in this bumpy road of my Christian life, has always been my need to find tangible proof of God's existence, and of His true love for me as an individual person. To know that He really knows what's going on inside of my head, and He takes note of it. Not just in "cliche" Bible talk, but to really give me evidence through the senses (sight, sound, touch) of His existence and power. As He has proven Himself to me before, once again, in true God fashion.... He blew me away.
On Saturday night, I went to the front of the prayer room, wanting to feel God's presence, wanting my heart to break and be once again on passion for God and filled with His spirit. When I got there however, my heart was only led to pray for one specific prayer: To love God and truly desire Him and Him alone...above everything (and anyone) else in this world.
I've been truly struggling with being content with my status of singledom and trusting in God to provide that perfect-for-me companion that I've always hoped for. As I get older and older, the possibility of there really not being anyone out there for me seems to be more and more of a reality. Never having been in a relationship (and this being my last year in college), I wonder 'why is there no one for me? Why can't I find my prince charming, and why isn't he looking for me?' And my biggest fear, is that there isn't that perfect, ordained mate for me...and that I will eventually just settle for someone who's safe (not someone I love), because my family won't want a single 31 year old daughter.
I'd really gotten mad at myself, for feeling like I needed someone to make me happy, content, desired, fulfilled. I envied girls who seemed so happy to be single, and never seemed weak in the area of self-security. I knew that my desire for this companion, was because I've been feeling lonely as of late, and as my relationship with God has been dwindling, I'd felt as if I'd lost my true best friend. So perhaps a companion (temporary at best) could fulfill my needs? But I know, even now, that being in a relationship would be the worst thing for me.. especially at this point in my life.
Back to the point, I went up for prayer, and the same resounding thought was in my head...God, be my one true desire. May all else fade away, until it is YOU and YOU ALONE whom I desire with all my heart. ONLY YOU can satisfy my deepest longings and desires, and fulfill this emptiness I feel.
I prayed that He'd take away this longing in my heart for a significant other, and set my sights solely on Him once again. I also prayed that God would give me a sign that He was listening to me. As I was praying to myself, Pastor IJ walked towards me. He had been praying for other people, and I'd overheard him say "you have a problem with fears overtaking your life" to the girl next to me. I knew if he said the same thing to me, that there was a good chance he didn't really know what was going on in my mind (my doubt once again prevailing). He laid down his hands upon my head, and said "You are looking for love everywhere else, except for God. Make God your one true love. Only he can satisfy the desires of your heart. You have had pains and scars from past relationships, but tonight your scars and wounds will be completely healed. Look to God, He is your One true love!"
Utter shock came to me, knowing that God had revealed the desires of my heart to Pastor IJ. Shock, and somewhat of a shame for my childish desires. The fact that Pastor IJ knew almost word for word, what I had silently been praying to God for at that moment... shocked, and amazed me. God gave me the evidence that He knew what my heart longed for, and what it needed. And truly, (I won't go into full detail), but my scars and wounds that I held for a long time...were in one night finally healed. I had to let go of my pride, and do something I'd wanted to do for such a long time. As I did, I felt the biggest burden that I'd been carrying for so long, carry off my shoulders. And for the first time in a long time, I could genuinely smile and laugh with untainted joy in my heart.
I'm such a "doubting Thomas". I ask God for things, and He does them, but sometimes my mind still wonders, 'Is there any other way these phenomena can be explained? Through science? Psychology?' But what happened at the retreat is something I cannot explain in any other way, except God spoke through Pastor IJ to me. I remember freshman year, the first time I was physically paralyzed by the Spirit of God. It was really freaky, scary, and unbelievable to me. Had it not been in my own body, I would've doubted. And even after, I started to wonder... could it be my own brain tricking me to paralyze itself in a way it's never done before? But as Lee Strobel once said, "It'd take more faith for me to believe that it wasn't God...then to believe it was."
Thank you God, for reminding me that you listen to Each and every prayer I have. You know everything. And for once again...blowing me away.
Though I'm going through a bump in my spiritual life these days, it is the memory of times such as these when God blew me away, that keep me encouraged in knowing that He's up there listening.