Sunday, 14 December 2008

• 'Tis the Season ("Found Music" Cantata for Marketers and Orchestra, opus 35% off)

   by mr willow 

  (Special Guest Soloist: E. Scrooge)

  

  Click.

  “Festive Holiday Special  was made possible by WilkinsCorp, which gave us $1.8 million to produce it on condition that we say that WilkinsCorp’s new product, the WidgetBlaster, is a great product that all of our viewers should run out and buy.  WilkinsCorp’s new product, the WidgetBlaster, is a great product that all of our viewers should run out and buy.  We’ll be back after this.”

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  “Everyone thought that I was fat, ugly, ignorant, and part of a radical anti-government insurgent movement just because my teeth weren’t perfectly white.  That’s when I discovered that if I got my teeth whitened, I could get a five-figure modeling deal from Brite-Strips Inc., to appear on television saying how wonderful my life was since I used Brite-Strips.  Since I used Brite-Strips, I’ve become irresistible to beautiful women, as evidenced by this amazingly hot model who got paid by Brite-Strips to make a pass at me….”

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  “Heartwarming Christmas Movie will return after these messages.  My frequent nausea kept me from shopping, playing racquetball, and spending time with my kids.  That’s when my doctor told me I may have Oxceleritis.  He prescribed Bambulin to help me deal with my symptoms.  Possible side-effects of Bambulin may include rash, fever, vomiting, diarrhea, migranes, blindness, early-onset diabetes, and death by spontaneous combustion.  If you experience cardiac or respiratory arrest or kidney and liver failure while taking Bambulin, consult your physician immediately, as they may be signs of a rare but potentially serious side-effect that occurred in 38% of patients in clinical trials.  Do not use Bambulin while driving, operating heavy machinery, writing political commentary, or working as a paid commercial endorser, as it may lead to sudden elongation of the nose.  Ask your doctor if Bambulin is right for you, ‘cause, you know, a person with an advanced degree in medical science is a lot more qualified than you are to be making decisions about which controlled chemical substances to put into your body.  Oxceleritis hurts, but Bambulin can help.”

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  “There are very fancy computer-generated effects in this commercial.  [Rock music rock music rock music.] I’m talking like a movie trailer. [More rock music more rock music more rock music.] This commercial is for Gadgetware.  [Drum solo drum solo GUITAR RIFF!] Buy Gadgetware.  Now.  Or you’re not cool.”

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  “There are only nineteen shopping days until Christmas!  There aren’t even any regular days left!  If you haven’t noticed that the retail industry is slashing prices with absurd discounts in a blatant but desperate attempt to buoy their sinking profits in a time of economic downturn, this may be your last chance to get up to forty percent off on this cool item!  Please come to our store and buy it, oh please please please, oh pretty please with a—”

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   “Your car may have four wheels, a good motor, functional seatbelts and airbags, and good fuel economy, but does it make you feel rich, handsome, successful, and able to get dates with beautiful women?  And don’t you hate your life now? Introducing the all new 2009 Candelabra, from a manufacturer that certainly isn’t about to go bankrupt in the next three months….”

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   “Ho ho ho!  Some guy talking like Santa Claus here, to remind you that the holidays are all about the joy of giving, and giving is all about the job of buying, and buying is all about the joy of spending, and spending is all about the joy of giving money to the folks at High End Department Store!  So come on down to—”

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  “This is Celebrity Dave, taking a few moments out of my busy schedule to tell you that WilkinsCorp paid me $1.8 million to say that their new product, the WidgetBlaster, is a great product that all of you should run out and buy.  WilkinsCorp’s new product, the WidgetBlaster, is a great product that all of you should run out and buy.”

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  “This commercial-free half-hour of holiday music was sponsored by Venimax, providing you the—”

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  • 5:18 PM
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  • 10 eProps
  • 5 Comments