Thursday, 04 December 2008
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Advice Post: Coming Out To My Parents...As a Christian
We receive quite a few messages from people asking for help with certain issues, and often times, we're not sure how to relate or answer the person's question - which is where you guys come in! Every Thursday, we feature a reader's problem and leave it open for you guys to offer your two cents. Please feel free to message us for advice! It can be about anything from family, relationships, devotional life or struggles in faith. Don't worry, we'll keep you anonymous.
Today's advice post:
I was raised in an extremely traditional Buddhist family. I became a Christian about four months ago, but I still haven't worked up the courage to tell my parents because I think they would disown me. While I've never been as religious as them, I'm pretty sure they felt as if I were in the "safe zone" at least by not being a part of any other religion. I feel a little bit sneaking around like this. I go to church every Sunday, but my parents always figure I'm out with friends, so I've never had to explain myself. I've had to attend a few Buddhist rituals, but I normally just stand there while praying in my mind so that I'm still respectful to my parents.
I now feel the slight twinge of conviction for hiding. I think I should be brave, be honest, and be ready to deal with the consequences. Also, how will I share Christ with my parents if I keep my faith a secret? I know I have to do this, I just don't know how to bring it up and what I would do if my parents freaked out.
Any suggestions? Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Thanks!
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Comments (30)
Never been in your situation, glad to say (raised in a Christian home) ... so I have no idea what you should do in this case ... except keep praying.
Do what you feel God leading you to do, but don't be impulsive. Think it out, and walk through it a few (or a lot of) times before you do it, but most of all, just pray that your parents are understanding, and receptive.
There's no easy way to do it, but you know you have to, I think. I hope it goes well. I'll pray for you.
I've never been in your situation. All I can say is to pray for wisdom and strength from God.
Praise God for a new believer! I firmly believe that there was a celebration in heaven when you accepted Christ! You are right that you need to tell your parents so you can slowly start sharing Christ with them. Think of David, without faith you wouldn't have thought it would turn out well with him and Goliath, but God prepared David and strengthened him and was with him all the way. Our Father delights in you and will watch over and protect you. Pray for the Lord to shower you with peace and strength, and to give you the words to share this amazing decision you have made. It has to be hard, since your parents are firm buddhist believers, but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!
Firstly, welcome to the family of Christ! We're here to help you as much as possible.
This is a tricky situation, and you're trying to balance two basic commandments: Honor your mother and father and Do not lie or give false testimony.
How old are you? This will play a factor in your decision. If you are in a position to support yourself - either with the help of friends or on your own - then explain to your parents your decision. If they take it badly and they DO disown you, stay calm and do not argue. For matters of faith, few arguments ever will win a discussion. Explain that as an adult, this is your decision to make and no-one can make it for you.
Hopefully, though, your parents will respect your decision (they do not necessarily have to like it) and you'll be able to move on.
Remember Matthew Chapter 5: A light is not put under a basket, but on a lampstand for all to see.
Through your testimony, it might help your parents come to Christ too.
Finally, pray about it. God will guide your path and will make known His plans for you.
Good luck!
My husband's in a similar situation. He's the only Christian in his very large, very devout Buddhist family. Surprisingly, his parents were very supportive of him becoming a Christian. However, his grandparents and aunts and uncles weren't as supportive. Despite facing criticism and even being made fun of by them, he's tried hard to be loving and never defensive about his decision and salvation.
He realizes he has a unique opportunity to show them who Jesus is. And while they aren't open to it right now, we continue to pray for them. My husband considers it to be an honor to represent Jesus Christ in his family despite the small hardships. We pray that one day their hearts will be open to the message of salvation. Even if that never happens we want to continue to love them the best way we know how.
Be honest with your family and let them know what you've been up to. I pray it may turn into a wonderful opportunity to share your faith. God bless!
I know exactly what you mean. I was raised in a christian home and was well into my adulthood when I embraced Wicca, and it literally took me seven years to tell my parents. Being a different religion from your parents is one of the hardest things a person can ever do, because it does create a new degree of separation between you and them. Now I'm concerned I may have to go through it twice because I have been struggling and truly no longer know what to believe.
Try not to worry over it so much because it could end up driving a wedge between you and your family if resentment builds up when you feel as if you can't talk to them. Pray, relax and when the time is right, you'll do great!
You obviously didn't learn anything living in a Buddhist family. They're a peaceful people and there's no way they would disown you. They love you, and no matter which faith to run to now or tomorrow they'll always love you.
@ILoveOdie@xanga - How long have you been Wiccan for? :)
Pick up Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh and have your parents give it a read (and while you're at it give it a read yourself).
I'm a Buddhist in a Muslim household. I just came out and told them, its best to be honest right? I feared disowning but I realized that if they disowned me then that wouldn't be showing me love or support. Therefore I would either be loved or kicked out, and the later option isn't so scary when you're already out on your own.
Good luck!
The issue about being disowned is a pressing issue for all christians who feel God calling them to do something that other people believe is an act of stupidity. It doesn't matter whether or not you come from a Christian home. What is really at the core here is this question:
"is the message of Christ really worth everything I have including my life?"
Think about it....
Go old school. Use dinner time (but not until you have eaten your fill) to tell them.
Just be respectful and honest hon. HONESTY is always the best policy!!
Tell them. Not telling them would be like being ashamed of Christ. Yes we are to honor our parents but never place them above Christ. It says becoming a follower of Christ would bring persecution - even in one's own family. Mother against daughter, etc, etc I am Asian so I know exactly how you feel. After becoming a Christian my life at home became very difficult. It's true when Jesus said he came to bring a sword not peace. I think that's why he said count the cost before following him. I know it's really difficult because Asian families have an unsaid rule where the children cannot disagree with parents. A simple disagreement equates to rebellion. But remember honoring them does NOT mean obeying them when it conflicts with Christ. Pray for wisdom, kindness, patience and gentleness before you let them know. When you don't know what to say to one of their attacks - remain silent. Don't get swept up in emotions. These are some lessons I've learned.
First and most of all. Fear not for God is with you. For if He who sent His Son to die for you is with you. Then None shall be able to stand against Him.
I was also raised Buddhist/Taoist ect in Chinese culture. Buddhist beliefs do accept other religions openly. Don't be afraid to share your new found Life in Christ. I came out and shared with my parents long long ago and was always getting into verbal fights with them. I finally said Buddah doesn't give me the peace that I get from believe in Christ even while I was practicing buddhist it didn't give me peace or satisfaction in life. God will show you the way to open up to them. Keep praying. It is the devil that wants to scare you back into not believing in Christ. Take care and keep focused in Christ.
just out of curiosity, what sect of Buddhism do your parents belong to?
also, not telling your parents something major is usually worse then telling them. yes, they'll probably be mad and complain and yell at you, but in the end if you're happy they will accept it or at least learn to tolerate it. good luck! :)
I know exactly what you are going through (or as best as an outsider can), as I have been struggling with the same thing.
I live with my mom, who is a more new age/spiritualist and has more modern views on who Jesus was and that the Bible is not all truth (evil in some aspects, even). When I was 15 I picked up a Bible, and after a couple years of struggling between my old beliefs and Christian ones, I accepted Christ and really decided not to look back. Problem was, my specific church and beliefs were not at all what pleased my mom. It was a very hard struggle to even tell her, and I spent several years hiding most of my beliefs and compromising to keep the peace. It got really bad at points, but God always helps us get through it. :)
I'm still living with her 5 years later, and things are getting a bit better. She's starting to be a bit more accepting of my identity and choices in regards to beliefs, even if she doesn't agree with some of them. I still find it very hard to express myself at home, though, as I'm often worried about a negative reaction -- but God's been helping me with that too lately.
The best advice I can give you is to pray for guidance and strength, and to take it slow. One of the worst things you can do is come on too strong about your faith to them, as it can cause more problems. Sit down and have a talk with them, tell them you really love your new faith and it makes you happy..but don't preach to them. We can often be too strong with our methods towards those we care about when we are sharing our faith, and it can push them away. Let them see how it changes you and your life, and maybe it'll influence them. If they ask questions, answer them as calmly and best you can, using as much tact and patience as God can provide. He'll give you the words if you listen. :)
Also, be careful about compromise. I know you're still a baby Christian, so focus mostly on getting closer to God right now...but be careful how much you let your old customs influence you. Like you mentioned going to the Buddhist rituals..I completely understand where you're coming from on this, but once they know you're better off to not attend things like that. I know it seems harsh, but it helps in two ways: 1) it shows them you're serious about your new faith. 2) it's what God wants.
As wonderful as it is to respect your parents and not want to upset them, but God tells us to stay away from the appearance of evil -- meaning, while you're at the ritual others are assuming your faith is still Buddhist..even if God knows your inner heart, no one else does. Trust me, I've done this all to many times myself and in the long run it makes things worse.
Think of it this way: Lets say there's someone trying to quit alcohol. They've been attending meetings and therepy, seeming to be getting better with it...yet they are seen by some friends at a bar one night. They know they never touched a drink, but that's not the impression everyone else will get, is it? ;)
Please keep in mind that the above advice is assuming you're old enough to maybe go against your parents wishes. If you're still young, God certainly understands if you have to wait till you're a bit older to fully follow Him in all ways -- when you're more free to do so. :) I was 15 when I started, so I was already almost at the legal age here to move out had I needed to.
Just trust God on this one, my friend. It's not an easy road, but He won't give you more than you can handle. Sometimes being open is the best thing, and trust that whatever happens He will take care of you!
If you ever need to talk, please message me. :)
Blessings and love,
Sarah
Thanks for asking this question- I'm facing similar concerns too.. and the answers help me as well.
MY advice is this.. God wants you to honor your parents.. says so right in the Bible.. but honoring your parents (to ME) means to be honest with them. Pray and ask God to give you the words to speak when the time is right. Learn to listen to the Holy Spirit and you will feel the gently nudge when its the time to tell them.
From a friend of mine who was in the exact situation.. she says you are fortunate that you come from a Buddhist family because they are very welcoming to other religions. Had it been some other religions they might very well disown you, but generally thats not the way.
God will direct you if your family will not be receptive. You could start by testing the water with them by slowly introducing the subject of Christianity to them and see how they react.
But the best thing I can say again is seek God in this. You could be the tool He uses to bring your whole family to knowing Him! How wonderful that would be!
I have a similiar issue with telling my very Christian family that I am an atheist. To this day, they do not know. I don't feel it is necessary for my parents to know my personal beliefs, seeing as I am an adult and capable of making "spiritual" decisions. My family would not accept me being an atheist - as they think that Christianity is the only religion that can save me, and that I am a lost cause without it. Above all else, believe what you want to. If you feel that you owe them an explanation, by all means do so. I honor my parents in other ways, but my beliefs are my own.
@HeartOfPandora@xanga - @eugenia@xanga - I think both of you probably brought up the best points. My father is a Buddhist and he is incredibly accepting of other religions - I always thought they were taught to be so. My father is always telling me that it doesn't matter what you believe, as long as it leads you to the truth. I think your parents will remember that, and love you just the same.
Also, you have an opportunity to be the ambassador for your religion to your parents and family. I thought that was an excellent point - you should behave for your family in such a way that it shows them that your Christianity is helping you. And hiding it from them is certainly not showing them anything.
Keep praying about it though. Prayer gives you strength to do what you need to do. I'm not religious, but I know that strength to do what is right comes from somewhere. For you, it must be God. Stick to that.
I've been pantheistic for a bit more than a year now, and it never even occured to me tell my parents. It never really seemed important. It might be because I'm not fanatically religious; like I pray before I eat and usually right before I go to sleep, but I haven't been to church in years and I've found parts of the Bible to be boring and stupid.
I think you should just stop feeling guilty about it. As long as they don't like follow you to church or anything weird and as long as you don't make a big deal about it you'll be fine. If you really think they'll react so strongly as to disown you then just keep quiet about it and when you move out you can be whatever you want. Or tell them right after they've stopped supporting you monetarily. Being honest is great, but being homeless and starving or living with parents that hate you and kick you out as soon as they can is not worth it.
You're going to Hell. Sorry.
If your parents love you, they should love you know matter what you believe. I went from Christian, to agnostic, to Wiccan, and now I'm a Methodist again, and my family supported my spiritual journey the whole way.
Welcome to the eternal party of Christ! I definitely suggest telling them. You might want to pray and talk in person with some others first. Just take your time in figuring out how and when to tell them, but don't put it off to long.