Saturday, 15 November 2008
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Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?
Guest post submitted by IntoTheCrimsonSky
We have all, more than likely, heard the above phrase at least once in our lives. Sure, the reasoning might be different for each cheater, but the core principal is the same. Some may cheat because they think it's fun, because they don't take their relationship and/or their partner seriously. Some may do it because they are unhappy in their current relationship, and desire more.
Some do it because they find someone else who they fall for (and in that case the cheating becomes more than just sex). Some do it because they are feeling troubled in their lives, and it sort of just falls in place as a vice to help with it. Those are just a few of the reasons, as it is often very unique to each specific individual.
Are any of those reasons justified? Are any worse than others? That probably depends on who you ask, and where they are in their life and relationship. Still, it is the all same thing, isn't it? It's all cheating.
Then comes the position that the partner is put in regarding forgiveness, and maybe a second (or third, fourth, etc.) chance. Again, the advice and opinion of this side will vary widely depending on it's source. Most tend to think, however, if someone has cheated on you once, they'll just do it again, so you might as well walk away right now and save yourself the pain. To be fair and strictly depending on the circumstances of the cheating, you will find, in the rare occasion, the advice the exact opposite.
My belief is that anyone can change anything about themselves, if they want it enough. The difference is that some people's problems seem to be a bit deeper set, a bit more programmed into the mind. These take a lot more effort and time to fix.
So, if it is a process, how can one beat it more successfully? It'd be rare to find a partner willing to put up with all of the little stumbles along the way, and the mere fact of causing a breakup could very much hinder any progress. Or, am I down the wrong track with this thought? Is it more a conscious decision? One just says to oneself "I will not cheat anymore. Never.", and it's done? I used to think it was that easy, but from my observation I doubt it. Still..maybe it is for some people. Maybe it is with God's help and our focussing on Him.
It certainly doesn't help with that dang saying haunting us all. It's hard to ever fully trust a cheater, because the saying is always in the back of our minds. Maybe it's in the back of the cheater's mind, too. The idea that you can never change certainly wouldn't help one quit, would it?
So, what are your thoughts and your experiences? Do you believe that these people can change, if they want to? If not, why?
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Comments (35)
Amen on that one!
It depends on the age of the cheater and the circumstances that he or she are in. Young people cheat all the time (like a puppy to the sofa).
People that are away from their mates and under stress tend to cheat as well, especially when it's easy.
Some doctors have said that there's a cyto-something chemical in the brain that some men lack and causes them to cheat. It makes them less caring for their wives and children as well,so that's how you would know its doing.
Another is good genes that won't stop spreading themselves. These people, so the doctors (probably male), say still care about family. They just keep the baby-factory up and running.
Another is bad genes. Extremes.
Also, if your spouse has crappy genes that you pick up on, you might cheat and bring an alien baby into the family.
I think my spouse is going to have to cheat, even if I do fix myself up, get dressed, brush my hair.
I do not believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" line. At least not about everyone.
Just to be clear as to where I stand - I'll start with this: cheating is a sin. It is a sin against God, against your spouse, and against yourself. God said it in His Word, and He means it. Yes, even today, He still means it.
Now, that said, there is another truth about God. He is a forgiving God and He loves each and every one of us. God is not a fool, though. (Hello - He's God!) He knows when someone is truly sorrowful over their sin, and when they are just saying the words to "get out of trouble." As humans, it is hard for us to make that discernment at times. When someone betrays us in that way, it takes away every ounce of credibility the cheater has. They lied throughout their affair - why would they tell the truth when they say they won't do it again? That is just one of the beauties of God and His Spirit. He knows the difference and when someone is truly repentant, His Spirit is free to change that person into what God expects them to be.
That doesn't mean that there aren't still consequences. There is such freedom in the forgiveness of God - but you still have to deal with the action of your sin. You could lose your spouse, your family, everything that really matters to you. If the Lord is gracious enough to allow you to keep your family, your changes will become evident and with God through time, growing, and healing, your family will become that again - a family.
As with anyone who is a true Christian - we "were" this and we "were" that but Praise God through His grace - it is not what we "are" and it is not what we "will be." "For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light." - Ephesians 5:8
No - once a cheater is not always a cheater. "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." - Luke 18:27
@chiltons99@xanga - Really awesome comment, and refreshing to see someone with that view. :) Thanks for sharing.
@IntoTheCrimsonSky - Thanks for reading! Praise God He used my comment for encouragement! I hope it will encourage others too!
Once a sinner, always a sinner? God forgives and restores. He gives wisdom and discernment. And some people are just losers, but God still loves them.
@chiltons99@xanga - well put
If someone is dating me, and they go out with someone else in a sneaky way...it shows that they 1) think that I wouldn't "understand" that they want to have more than one person to enjoy. and 2) they don't value me enough to safeguard their affections for only me.
Now, once I find out that they have played on me...do I respect myself for moving on to find someone who knows what I am worth from the very beginning of the relationship?
They can move onto another woman, and I won't picket them and shout him out. And someday, if she finds out about me, it will be when he tells her how he learned that cheating was a bad idea. She may even toss up a prayer for God to bless me for helping him learn a valuable lesson.
Now, if I am dating a guy, and someone tells me that he has cheated on a dating relationship, and I find reasons to believe that is the truth - then I will ask him about it. If he admits it, says it was wrong and that he did what he could to offer amends, I'm ok with trusting him with better for our future.
If I find out that he was married and he cheated....he's gone. Sorry, but he couldn't handle that relationship with honor, why would he treat his relationship with me with any? I'd have to meet his therapist or his recovery sponsor/mentor before I'd believe he was a different person.
Some they do CHANGE - very FEW* though
I do believe once a cheater always a cheater
Just keep an close eye on him
I dont trust guys
This is a hard one. I know someone personally who cheats on his wife all of the time. He says he really struggles with things and wants to change, but I don't really see it in his actions.
I think the key is, the person REALLY wanting to change and then ACTING on it. Because if they really want to change, they will (with help of God and others) see those stumbling blocks / hinderances that feed the desire to cheat, and remove them. I think a lot of time, the problem is more beneath the surface. Perhaps, the person should admit they have a problem and seek the Godly counsel / therapy they need to discover the core and source of the problem?
I know this--we live in a world broken by sin. Life is not easy and everyone struggles with sin. We should never forget, however, that Jesus can heal anyone and bring them though anything. Jesus is a million times bigger than any sin or struggle. I have seen couples make it through affairs--and while, every situation is different, I know that there is healing in the blood of Christ.
While I'm not totally sure about them "changing," I firmly believe most are only sorry because they got caught. I mean think about it really..How many cheaters have you ever seen come up and tell you ahead of time, before you find out, that they are cheating!
And, even, if they "change" as they say, the problem lies that the other partner can NEVER trust them again. This I know from experience. And after a while, you realize what disrespect was done to you and you a) want to get even, or b) cannot live with knowing someone who was supposed to love you did this to you! It eats away at you! For me, personally, I knew I could never trust the person again, and thoughI forgave him, I knew it would never be the same, thus I divorced him.
But as far as changing, perhaps I'm a little cold in this area, but I just don't think they do. I think if they got the opportunity again, they would do it! You have to remember they are going to tell you what you want to hear once they've been caught the first time!
Cheryl
That picture made me chuckle.
@JUSTAVAPORHERE@xanga - Hi, I appreciated your point of view on this tough subject.
Only once was I worried about my wife that way. There were a number of carpenters, electricians, plumbers around, etc. and especially the contractor. She became quite infatuated with him, but also enjoyed all the workmen a lot. She was, in my opinion very flirtatious and started buying new sexy clothes--especially sweaters. I had never seen her that way before. I read up on the subject and decided to just let nature take its course. Finally the construction ended and the contractor and workers were gone. She was clearly depressed for a month or so. Then she gradually started acting normal again.
Did she cheat? I cannot be sure of course, I did learn that when the wife has the affair, they eventually 'come back' because the guy the gal is cheating with will finally tire of her and move on. Most of the gals stay with their husbands.
One statistic that is being consistent, thought the numbers are small, is that in those states that require DNA testing of the kids involved in the divorce of a couple, 25% of the children in the family do not belong to the husband!!! I guess that is going to be about average.
frank
first of all i think the response to cheating in dating and cheating in marriage are completely different matters.
luckily my experience with cheating was only with dating. (it's funny because my last post was about this)
my then best friend pursued a relationship with my then boyfriend. he broke up with me and started dating her. i wondered how they ever trusted each other. eventually she ended up cheating on him.
I guess it's possible...though you have to wonder if they won't do the very same thing to you! The trust is pretty much gone, IMO
to me, that phrase stands true.
every new year's eve, you make resolutions right? how many of you have tried to improve your attitude? (like, improving how you treat your family, etc...)
it's very difficult since it is who you are... to me, i see cheaters the same way. people who cheat obviously have commitment issues, or are scared of being in a relationship. it's a part of who they are
i'm sure it's possible to change, but it's just so hard, some people just don't bother anymore
once a cheater, always a cheater
whether they can change is irrelevant to me. cheating is on my list of offenses to forgive but not forget.
Through God ALL things are possible. Not just some. Not to say that it will be easy. But I think that any of us can change with God on our side. Please remember that love is a choice. We can choose to treat our spouses with love and in the same respect we can choose to neglect our spouses. It is a conscious choice the cheater is making. It's up to you what you can do in this situation. If you have the ability to forgive the cheater and all that forgiveness entails or if you simply cannot rebuild the trust. Again, all things are possible with God. It's intensely personal and you have to pray to make the right choice. For me, I love my husband tremendously, and I would like to think I would be forgiving enough to work it out, but it would depend on his attitude toward his choice and it would take a LOT of counseling. Hopefully I never have to find out.
I think its possible, but not probable.
From experience (not with cheating however) its hard to change the way you are. I also agree with the statement of that sentence being pushed into our minds so much that we, or the cheaters, don't believe they can change.
and IMchurchmouse also hit a good point. if someone cheated on me, which they have, it be hard to give them another chance. unless i was blinded by love which i can see happening. but knowing i wasnt worth the truth, and knowing i wasnt worth all of that person. would really hurt to much to go back to.
i think cheating has a lot to do with growing up and being ready for a real relationship. i believe people who are mature enough for a relationship and who are with a person that makes them happy will not cheat. if you are mature and you respect the person you are with (in any way), you will end that relationship before you cheat.
once a cheater, always a cheater..
until that person grows up and learns what "love" really is.
i don't even have to read your entry to answer the title question!
YES! once a cheater always a cheater... but, the hope for everyone else is that cheaters... never win!!!!
There's a new book out called "Hooked" that discusses the physiological and psychological implications involved with committing fornication which, as the book scientifically supports, leads to adultery. It talks about what sex does to the brain, how it forms it and molds it to that kind of behavior, making the condition worse as one repeats the behavior.
As you said, the further down that path one goes, the more difficult it is to stop. I haven't gotten it personally, but I heard about it on Christian radio.
People cheat for various reasons. Why people cheat will determine if they cheat again. For example, some people cheat because they feel trapped in their relationship and turn to someone else. Some people cheat because they're selfish. Others are sex addicts who can't get enough from their partner.
In general, I think if someone doesn't want to cheat or to cheat again, they need to be honest with themselves and their partners. They need to take responsibility for their feelings and actions. Seek help if you feel this is a problem.
Above all, don't commit to someone until you're able to resolve these issues or you'll only end up hurting yourself and your partner.
No reason to cheat, ever. And if you cheat on me, we're fuckin' over. You'll find your shit out on the lawn when you return the next morning hoping to make up. You'll find the locks changed. You'll find the ignition in the cars changed. You'll find divorce papers (if we were married).
The only reasonable excuse to me is if someone was suffering an alcohol addiction, and cheated while they were drunk. I wouldn't trust them, I wouldn't be happy, but I'd likely already know about the alcoholism and would have a touch more compassion. Rehab or me.