Friday, 14 November 2008
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Should I Give Up on Friends?
Guest post by lotjiujeurng
I have grown much spiritually, and have come to realize that one of the things I have not yet grasped as a Christian is when to let a friendship die. Through my walk with God, He has given me discernment. I have come to recognize His voice, each time more quickly, each time with more certainty that, "Okay, this is God telling me something."
As Christians we are called to be salt and light on this earth. We are called to impact lives. We are called to show God's love to others through our actions and our words and our lives.
I have let friendships die. It is a natural thing. People move and change and no one expects not to gain and lose friends through the course of life. Sometimes it is not our choice but the choice of the other person, not to maintain the relationship. I can accept and have accepted that.
A few times I know for sure it was because I did something wrong, and I can only learn from it and not repeat the mistake. However, most of the time, I know that if I have put in effort and have shown care and still, the relationship fades, then there's nothing to feel bad about. It is when I am faced with the decision...when is this person becoming so toxic and no longer genuine and no longer a friend that I must just give up?
As Christians, should we give up on people like these or not?
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Comments (28)
this is a really tough subject...i guess if youve tried everything and the friendship still doesnt work, all you can do is let it fade away...
Sometimes our friends might be behaving badly because of other things going in their lives which have nothing to do with us. At the same time, we don't need to continue to subject ourselves to abuse either.
You might want to ask them if they'd like some help, but it's up to them to accept and seek it. Perhaps you just need to step aside and resume the friendship once and if they work out some issues or are in a position to be more respectful and open about what's going on in their lives?
Maybe friends leave you because you claim to hear voices. People tend to avoid the crazies.
Sometimes there isn't much you can do and you have to give up. Just know you did your best and maybe you planted a seed that will grow later on.
@DrugInducedDuck@xanga - wow. this is a pretty serious post... i'm suprised to see someone take it so lightly. it looks as if you haven't experienced this personally.
i am not sure what the answer is to this dilema..this is something i am working through myself. i understand people moving apart...but have people pursue me on sites like facebook who won't give me the time of day face to face.
I think a really important question to ask yourself is, "am i impacting them in a positive way," or "are they only able to influence ME negatively?" There is a point, especially if you've walked through years of friendship together, where you have to come to an understanding concerning your walk. If they can't respect the changes you've made, and continue to try to push you the other way, then it may be time to walk away, not because you don't want to reach them, but because you need to take care of yourself.
As somebody who has had plenty of close, loyal, trustworthy, best friends leave him, and as somebody who has had to leave them too, at other times...
Yes. There are just times where you have to accept that you two can no longer be a part of each other's life. Whether it's just for a time period in your life or if it's for the rest of your life, sometimes you have to let go. Especially if they have, too.
Often times, one is afraid to contact the other because they're afraid, what if the other person... just doesn't care? And you can't make someone care.
If they don't care anymore, then, it's... It's HARD. It's painful, it's hurtful, but you have to let go.
dont give up on them necessarily but just know that not always are you supposed to help them. you are to plant the seed. others will come along to cultivate it and you can be along for the ride to watch. :)
I think we should try to tolerate these people as much as we can and then we let go and let God. I'm in a similar situation at the moment. It does hurt, but sometimes we have to give up.
We shouldn't have gave up on anyone around us. No matter how much we, Christians dislike a person, we still have to open up and accept the person somehow. Because God loves the non Christians too.
An experience I have had. In one month, three really good friendships fell apart. In some cases, it was because something was going on in the other person's life, mostly it was because they just stopped caring.
At the same time it's very painful, but this experience brought my relationship with God much closer.
As Christians, we need to pray about it and walk in love. Simple way to put it.
Hmm, well I've had some friends whom I shared the floors with. We've prayed together, we cried on each others' shoulders, we hugged, we bawled, we yelled... pretty much been through hell and back (not literally of course). But then, where are some of them now? I don't know. Some friendships just drop off like that, you know. It was the little instances in our youth group - small talks and gossips - that drew them away. Then they'd get mad at the people in our youth group and just stop going, even if we tried to mend the bridges.
But even then, in some ways, you never completely lose them. You've got memories with them. And quite possibly down the line, you just might meet up with them again... and that's what those memories are for: to connect back with people we've lost.
So you can let go, you know? But the memory will always stay.
That's a tough question...and I guess it's hard to know what to do if I'm not in that certian situatuion. Of course, even then it's hard to know too!
I try to remember that friends are going to let me down, just as I have let friends down in the past—sometimes in ways I don't even know. We are all tainted by depravity. The only thing we can depend on is God's faithfulness.
Sometimes when friends appear to be toxic, we have to draw some boundaries, but we should never stop praying for them and caring.
I pray that God gives you a friend like Jonathan, loyal, warm, and godly.
@Quinners@xanga - Those are great guidelines to follow and good questions to ask. I have had this happen a couple of times, not with friends, but with family members, unfortunately. Yes, family can become toxic. It's very, very sad and very frustrating - you're not supposed to give up on family - but in these cases, the other people, over years and years (why did I try so long?) have continued to behave so badly, so hurtfully, and to be so downright nasty and judgmental and critical and have hurt my children so badly that no matter what I did, nothing changed. It wouldn't matter what I do - and hasn't mattered, because I have tried everything over the years to keep the lines of communication open and to facilitate a relationship - if those on the other end are "dysfunctional" in some way, or if they just don't see what they are doing to the relationship or to you, there's not much you can do to change things or improve things. You can make yourself sick with hurt, anger and frustration, trying so hard. That's another good question to ask. Is this relationship making me overly stressed, ill, hurt or angry? Am I investing way more time, care and energy than the other person? As Christians, we are called to forgive 70 times 7, to pray unceasingly, to love one another, to treat each other well, to turn the other cheek. But there are times when NOTHING WORKS, because the other person isn't receptive. Then, I think God calls us to focus on what CAN benefit from our attention, our time, our talents, our care, and our love, and there are sometimes just things we have to walk away from. We can continue to pray for them, but we're not required to keep toxic people in our lives.
loosing all three of my best friends at the age of 15 at the same time was tough. but it brought me to know God for real. and it also taught me how to deal with friendship troubles when the same thing happen again at the age of 17 (with 3 other different best friends).
just cherish your friendships, wish them well even if they're not there anymore and know that God will take care of them just the same.
The parting of the ways is natural. Unfortunately natural doesn't mean easy. The experience that comes with living can bring wisdom and with it the patience and strength to let things play out.
I think so, I've let friendship die as well, but then that can only be happened both ways.
@DrugInducedDuck@xanga - are you really that ignorant? lol or are you flat out sarcastic?
It is very true that changes in relationships are natural. Unfortunately, like you said, some of those friendships/relationships do more than just change, sometimes they turn toxic. In fact, I had this happen about 15 years ago with someone to whom I had been a spiritual "mother" all through her mid-teen and young adult years. After trying mightily to salvage the relationship, I made it clear that I would always be there for her but that I couldn't agree with the path she had chosen. Then I backed off and allowed the distance between us to grow. Although I continued to pray for her, I didn't feel I should pursue her or try to be her conscience. But I also didn't let her go thinking she'd deservedly regret it one day -- I released her into God's hands and entrusted her into His care.
Imagine my surprise when she called me a few weeks ago. And she's called me a couple of times since. She's been trying to walk with the Lord again, but her life is a mess and she couldn't think of who else to call. We've had good talks and, although she's still got many things to work out, she's slowly feeling her way back. And the Lord has begun restoring our friendship.
The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 15:33 that "evil communications corrupts good manners". As Christians, we are definitely called to be the salt and light of the earth. However, we are not to just befriend the world. "know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God?" - James 4:4.
It's not always easy to let friendships go but we are called to love and obey God first. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment." - Matthew 22:37-38
If someone you are friends with is living in a lifestyle that is against what you know as a Christian to be true, and they reject the truths of Jesus, you don't have to treat them like they're the Devil himself - but you do need to remove yourself from their fellowship. Jesus even told his disciples when he sent them out to preach to leave the cities where they were not received, and to shake the dust off their feet. (Matthew 10 beginning in verse 5)
If the Holy Spirit has made you aware of a friend who is a problem or hindrance in your relationship with Christ - you should listen to what the Spirit is guiding you to do!
i think not even though it is toxic, you can grow from the relationship and see "both sides of the mirror", you can still show christ's love to someone who is toxic, you don't have to give up on them. i have given up on someone because the feeling was mutual, we both thought it best not to be friends and yet not to be enemies. we decided that when we saw each other we'd be polite.
I have a good friend who went through this with another friend, and she had to pray about it. A lot. I think each friendship we have has value, and it's vital to pray through whether or not God is asking both of you to move on for whatever reason, or to stick it out and continue to learn from each other. There's not a cut-and-dry answer. It's how the Lord leads.
"Prayer wise" don't give up on them. Continue to pray for them always. But if that person has become toxic and no longer geniune, Christian or not, you do not deserve to be burdened with that sort of thing. Just let that person know we can no longer be friends because of this, and this and the third. Good luck with that.