Monday, 10 November 2008

• Mean and Stuck-Up Christians in My Youth Group

  Guest blog submitted by flying_nutshell

  

  Among my few friends at youth group is "Luke", a physically-handicapped high school senior. He is about five feet tall, chubby, with short arms and legs. He wears glasses and hearing aids. When he walks, one of his legs wobbles. When he talks, his voice is raspy and hoarse. His face always carries the same expression -sincere, eager, innocent, warm, anxious to please.
  I've never seen Luke without his Bible. Whenever he sees someone from youth group, even if he only knows them a little, he wobbles up to them and greets them with that eager, lopsided grin.

  You can tell how hungry he is for friendship. You can also see the revulsion on the other person's face. Sometimes they say "hi" quickly, barely looking at him, and brush him off. Sometimes they ignore him and turn away.

  Whenever the counselor asks a question, Luke's hand is always the first to shoot up. Sometimes the counselor doesn't call on him. When they do, they seldom wait for him to finish answering. Most of the time they don't even listen to him; they just cut him off and say, "okay, great. Now on to our next topic..."

  One of my best friends, "Lola", shares Luke's status as a youth group pariah. She is also a high school senior, but has been diagnosed with ADD, dyslexia and more. Her IQ is 75. She struggles with English as a second language. Yet she's beautiful, both inside and out. I have never heard her utter an expletive. She serves in the choir and in the children's ministries, where she teaches Sunday School worship. Her eyes are wide, kind, completely innocent.

  Sadly, the first graders that Lola teaches seem to be the only people at church who like her. It is only when she is with the six-year-olds that she feels truly happy, she tells me. They don't mind her slow, halting speech and her klutzy movements. They don't care that she has acne and dresses like an old lady. In short, they don't judge her.

  Recently Lola has refused to attend youth group. When her mom, the wife of the pastor of our church, approached her, Lola threw a tantrum and screamed at her to go away and slammed the door in her face. The most she could get out of Lola was that "Katie", another girl at youth group, had been unkind to Lola. 

  Today Lola's mom took me out to lunch. She was sad and exhausted, and she wanted my insight on what was going on.  I told her that I did not like Katie. She is petite and beautiful, with a great sense of fashion. She is popular among the boys at church, but not all among the girls. I recalled one particular incident, the first time I had gone to youth group, I had not known how to find my way around the church, and the counselor had asked Katie to direct me to the sanctuary, where I would be able to meet up with my parents.  After Sunday School was over, I approached Katie tentatively. I was shy and hoped that she would be the one to break the ice, maybe smile or say "hi, what's your name?" Instead, Katie gave me a disdainful look, turned away, and walked off with her friends in another direction.

  I tried not to bash Katie too much. I just told Lola's mom that I didn't like her because I considered her a mean person. I was surprised when Lola's mom agreed. (Aren't all pastors' wives supposed to be sugary-sweet?) Then she confided a secret: Katie is actually an orphan who had been adopted from an orphanage. And she doesn't know.

  "It's ironic, isn't it?" said Lola's mom. "That she can be so mean and even cruel to others and make other girls' lives hell, yet she's the one with the saddest life of all."  She went on to tell me that she was concerned that Lola, who had grown up in a "deeply Christian environment", was hanging out with the wrong crowd. She doesn't approve of Lola's boyfriend, who is three years younger than Lola. Then there's Lola's best friend, a young man who once yanked my shirt collar open and dropped a handful of ice cubes down my back (we barely know each other). He's failed four out of five classes at the local community college. "Her friends are kids doing drugs, kids drinking and smoking, kids from broken families, kids who are emo, kids who are mentally twisted..."

  Her face contorted in pain. "What I don't understand," she burst out, "is why all the smart and 'wholesome' kids at school and church reject and despise her, yet the 'troubled kids' take her in without any hesitation... Lola has reached out repeatedly to the teenagers at youth group, she plays the guitar during worship, she makes food for them, she tries to be their friend, but they won't accept her because she's 'retarded'! Meanwhile, her 'bad friends' don't judge her, they take her in so willingly, they don't care if her IQ is only 75...they genuinely like her. I don't understand!"

  I don't go to the same school as Lola, so I only know a few of her friends. One of them is "Lizzie", a blonde girl with a sweet face and an even sweeter heart. The only problem: the right side of her face is a mess. Her right eye is almost jammed shut, the muscles are twisted, one side of her mouth is lopsided, with teeth poking out. Like Lola, she is in Special Ed, but only mildly handicapped.

  When Lola began bringing Lizzie to youth group, I could see how uncomfortable the others were. They could not stand to look at her face; they didn't want to sit next to her. Like Luke, Lizzie was eager to answer Bible questions, but everyone refused to look at her as she spoke, not even if she had a prayer request. Lola and I were the only people who sat with her and talked to her. After a while, Lizzie stopped coming to youth group. (Gee, I wonder why.)

  Another thing about Lola. Once, when we were sophomores, a new guy came to our youth group. He saw that Lola was pretty, came to sit by her with two drinks and tried to hit on her. But as soon as she opened her mouth and spoke in her slow, timid, broken English, he realized his mistake. He quickly excused himself and went to talk to some other girls.

  I tentatively pointed out to Lola's mom that even though some of Lola's friends are engaged in bad activities, it is still a good thing, perhaps, that she gains confidence and affection from being with them.  "No!" she said, distraught. "I don't want her to hang around them. I want her to be friends with the good kids."
  "Aren't the good kids really the 'bad kids' here?" I asked. "Since they reject her for being handicapped?"

  She was silent for a long time. "I wouldn't call them bad," she said sadly. "I'd just call them ignorant." 

  I promised her that I would call Lola and ask her to go shopping or see a movie. I promised that I would keep her updated on Lola's fluctuating emotional state. I promised that I would try to guide Lola onto the right path. But there's only so much I can do.

  Christians have a reputation for being snobbish, judgmental, holier-than-thou, etc.  For most of us, this stereotype holds true - to varying degrees.  Some might argue that we are abiding by Biblical teachings by, say, not associating with immoral people. Oh, really?  Whom did Jesus pick as his disciples?  Who died on the crosses adjacent to Jesus' cross?  Who washed His feet with her own hair?  The church is morphing into a selective society, and only the "squeaky-clean-goody-two-shoes-never-done-a-wrong-thing-in-my-life" people can join.  And youth group is turning into high school: the good-looking kids are popular, handicapped and quiet kids are left out of the loop, and Sunday School, with its cool musical sound effects and comfy couches and computers, is no longer a spiritual class but a place for hanging out and chit-chat.

  Honestly, how many people nowadays are only Christian on their Facebook profile pages? How many only go to church because their parents make them, or they're just used to going?  How many can sing a thousand worship songs but don't have a relationship with God?  And how many, despite their claims of "love" and "forgiveness" and "kindness" and "outreach", can't even bring themselves to communicate with a handicapped kid who just wants to be loved?

  I wish other people, especially Christians, would look beyond Luke's physical handicap and try to befriend him, or if they don't want to, at least smile and greet him. I wish they would not be deterred by Lola's language barrier and offer to help her with homework.  I wish people would not be sickened by Lizzie's grotesque face and see what a beautiful soul she has.
  

  I wish they would recognize that a person's worth is not measured by IQ or standardized testing, and that all souls are equal before God.  I wish we can all love each other regardless of anything, anything, that sets us apart from each other, but I know that for now this wish is too great and too impossible.

  So let's start from square one. Love someone who really, really needs to beloved, and please don't judge them. They'll spread it on.

  If you're honest with yourself, have you ignored or turned away someone who seems too different?

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