Wednesday, 05 November 2008
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It's Not Easy Being Single During the Holidays
Guest post by Brandon_thewriter
I wanted to share some thoughts on living the single life. This post is not written as a formula for the single life, but rather as an attempt to talk about the pain of being single.
I don't know about you, but I feel very short-changed when my eyes scan the Christian book section. Most of these books simply tell you to re-examine your perspective on dating or courting. But what I've noticed is that none of the books that I've read seem to get at the heart of the human experience. For me, it tends to get lonely when the seasons begin changing. It's hard to sit back and watch couples enjoy each others' company while holding hands. Now I know this may seem a bit lame for the average person that doesn't express these emotions outwardly, but as a Christian, I feel that we have to stop stuffing the little things and we must learn to talk about what hurts, like being rejected by someone you've had feelings for. The holidays are coming and it can be a very heavy-hearted time for some.
I've been single most my life. I only really ever dated one girl, which lasted a year or so. Then it ended, but all the members of the opposite sex that I've been involved with, regardless of how "nice" they're always seem to leave me on the short end of the stick. And this hurts, it really does. More than anything I want so badly just to break away from all the Christiantalk and cliche statements that really, even if they are meant well, they do nothing for someone who just longs for a good ear. Anne Lamott once said, "The best sermons I've ever heard arethe words, 'Me too.'" This quote always seems to comfort me, because the quote is about relating with one another.I don't have all the answers to relationships, or how to attract the mate of you've always wanted. I'm just as screwed up as the next person who reads this. But what I do know is that life is hard.A question that always lurks in the back of my mind is, "What's wrong with me?" It seems as though I ask this question yearly. I've heard people say that I need to be okay with being alone and that God needs to be my first love.Not that this is not true, but its gets old and cliche when their is a lack of empathy when feelings are shared. You go through the Bible looking for a passage that talks openly about living the single life, trying to find something to ease the frantic thoughts in your mind. The truth is I haven't found anything that gets at the issue.That doesn't mean that God isn't present in the pain. I am slowly learning that there is nothing wrong with me. As years progress and I grow older I'm also learning that its okay to bleed your heartout to God, because he does care. And in the times you feel alone, you don't have to act tough. The only way the pain will leave is if you stop holding on so tightly.In closing, yes, I still have the desire to meet a girl that loves me for me. It's still hard, but being single is not the end of the world. That's the hardest truth to wrap our heads around.I am a good guy! That's what every girl has told me, but has been unable to follow through with anything else. And for once, I believe that it's not my fault. There is nothing wrong with you because you've been single for so long. We are not as messedup as we think. We are sons and daughters of the most high love and we feel an unseen love.
So my question for you all is: Who is (or has) gone through the same struggle I'm experiencing now?
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Comments (75)
...how about spending holidays with a group of single friends ?
me, right here!
I'm actually fasting dating for a year and it's been a struggle everyday. I'm one of those people that are never single and always has a boyfriend or is dating someone.
Currently it is month 4 of the fast and I'm learning SO much about God and my relationship has strengthened sososo much with Him. I am happier than I have ever been with guy and He fufills me so much more than any boyfriend has, and I think, will.
of course there are days when it gets hard and I have to run to a friend because I like someone but I know I can't pursue it but in the end I know i'm striving for a much greater prize and that is God's love.
SO, on the days that I'm down and depressed about being alone wishing I had a boyfriend, I realize how much I'm hurting God that I desire someone else besides Him.
think about the joy God must feel when we turn to Him for comfort. and the blessings that are in store for us when that day comes when we meet our future spouse because we were patient and faithful to him (:
Being single during the holidays does really suck sometimes. I totally hate it sometimes because no matter if you believe in God or not, you're still not enjoying the holidays with that special someone. And all those Christian books that tell you that you should be patient or that dating is really pointless because if you're meant to be with that special someone you will be at the right time etc, you're still without someone to spend the holidays with. If not the holidays, then those moments where you know it would be so much better to be able to share that special moment. I think that's the main thing that really angers me about those books and the people who perpetuate that mantra-- dating is fun! And people are human, patience runs out. So in the end, sometimes singleness just sucks and you just have to suffer through it. But then again on the other hand, being single can be great! Sometimes it's really nice not to be tied down. I guess it's just a give and take kind of a thing.
And btw, I totally get how you feel. I could really use a relationship with a nice girl this holiday season, a real relationship with someone I really like. Those have been very hard to come by it seems :(
I don't mind being single. I have lots of family and friends to hang out with, especially during the holidays. That said, I have always been single during the holidays. My experience is that my single friends who are really lonely are those who don't like themselves, or don't like being alone with themselves (which amounts to the same thing).
I have always had this stigma towards people who cannot or do not like being single. Is there a codependency issue? A need for someone of the opposite sex to make you happy? Do you spend your time watching other couples, wishing you had what they have? Is that healthy? These are things I ask myself and then I make sure that I am not doing those things. I would like to think I am happier for it.
@CoileyCorey3@xanga - Do you ever feel like your standards are too high to ever find a human man to match? Everyone tells me 'not to change my standards for anything,' and I really don't want to in the first place....
I'm twenty and in your same situation. It's like you wrote down words from my own mind. So I understand the silent struggle between desperation and being satisfied with the present.
ugh. Valentines day.
But it's not all bad. I can still look at cute guys without feeling guilty. haha.
@Linley_K@xanga - Yesss..People tell me that all the time..."Your standards are high and you shouldn't change that." In some ways though, I don't feel like they are that high..I just want someone who shares the love of God. My friend is able to find guys all the time who do. Other guys who have shown interest in me, seem fake to me...or they try to impress by "oh yeah..I believe in God." That sort of thing..but I'm not just content with they believe in God or go to Church..The Devil believes in God too...are they living their life, or trying to live, for Jesus? Everyone keeps telling me to wait and wait..that he will come...but..I'm 22..I think I've waited quite some time,lol...I'm ready...
I agree the holidays can be a tough time, but the hardest time for me was when my dad died and I looked around and everyone but my mom and I had a significant other there to comfort them. Otherwise, I'm usually very contented in my singleness...but it's those times of stark realization that are so painful.
At 22, I've never dated, never been in a relationship... It's hard... many of my friends are engaged, and I wonder why not me?
The long and short of it?
Me too...
Nice to know that I'm not the only guy that's being cruelly pushed off to the side. So my answer is: "Me Too"
Now...if you heard every cliche, I don't think I have much to say. I agree that it is not just during the holidays. It is during the the bad times you go through when you feel like the only people you can come to are your parents who aren't always the best but they are good to have as a support.
The one thing that gets me a lot is when someone decides to do some extravagant surprise proposal to their soon to be wife and I just feel like a part of that is just sticking it to my face and that person is just broadcasting the simple fact that he is definitely not single. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of weddings now. =P
But when I turn to my more rational thoughts, I just try to look at my life objectively as I'm sure you've already heard. Not only was I reminded that Jesus kept me single for a reason but I realized that I have the best rewarding career for me. I get to look after autistic kids and their families. In the process, I am learning how to be a daddy through the toilet training and playing with these cute kids. Quite frankly, the girl can almost come later because when I meet my wife to be, I will be prepared =)
Now I don't know where you are in your career, but that's just my story if it helps.
Thank you for your post.
I used to be just like what you described, but during the past year, I personally have and meet someone and moved country for her, but at the end it didn't work out, and I realised that my relationship with God was behind the relationship with her and my relationship with God was never good to start with.
I think the lesson for me is that I need to have a good relationship with God first, I need to know what is 'self love', I need to understand myself more, and if I felt that if I can't get those things done, then I'm just not ready for a relationship with the opposite sex.
Just purely my opinions, maybe wrong and biased.
Now, I'm just trying to adjust to a new country and adjust to being single again, maybe sometimes single isn't that bad afterall!!
I have felt the same pain as you. I've been single all my life. There hasn't been a special boy to walk into my life yet, even though there have been boys who liked me in the past. In fact, two of them asked me to be their girlfriend at the same time. One of them even proclaimed his undying love for me. Believe it or not, that set me off the edge. I just wanted to be friends and I told them that. So, both of those relationships went down the hill. There are times when I don't mind being single because I'm a very independent person. However, I feel a little disgusted when I see couples in their PDA moments, but I also can't help feel a little envious. Especially when my close friends found themselves a mate and I can't help but wonder "How did they get a boyfriend? What's wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong by blowing off boys?"
Thanks for posting this. It really helps me to know that I'm not the only one with these thoughts in mind and going through these troubles.
Me, too.
Hi, I have gone through the same thing as you... I think everybody feels lonely at times but we are lucky because as sons and daughters of Christ we always have a ''forever friend'' and ''a shoulder to lean on'', he's our heavenly father =)
I can understand where your coming from because you express yourself so well, but I can honestly say that as a single person myself I don't feel the same way.
I don't let being single hamper my enjoyment of holiday seasons or any part of my life. I embrace being single, it's what I am, it's what I want to be. In fact, the older the get the happier I am with this descision in my life.
But I seem to be one of the few in the crowd who embraces this as something enjoyable and happy?
Yes at times it may be nice to have that 'special someone' but *shrugs* certainly not something I want in the foreseeable future, nor feel I need in order to be happy in life.
i am having the same struggle as you , but i have found the way out, i'm 20, yeah i may be young , but it's the same for me, many of the people i see at school or something , couples holding hands, it used to hurt, but actually Jesus is the one who released me from my pain, in genesis, when Adam was naming the animals , he found that they are males and females, each has a companion, and God has found that that adam should have a companion too, so he created woman from adam's wribs, (check genesis ch 2),so God felt the longing of adam for a companion, God knows that a man needs a woman, this way jesus told me, i know your need, don't worry i will grant you one in time, i trust God, he knows my need, and like adam he will grant me a companion in time, this is a part, another part
is that being single, made my heart sad, for many times , untill i read in matthew 5, jesus said "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." , hey God , comfort me for i am mourning because i have no companion, i believed and still believe him, Jesus gave me comfort, and he is still giving it to me, i have been mourning about it for maybe 3 years, but in just one second, jesus comforted me, believe his word, and you will have comfort : ),,
and remember that Jesus maybe wants you to get to know him better, maybe he want to teach you somethings , or he wants that you do somethings in his name, that you will not be able to do when you are not single, maybe he wants you to love him first from the deepest of your heart .,so that you don't forget about him if you found your love,, i don't know why God is keeping away your companion, or maybe he sent her and you didn't notice, but trust Jesus , and he will tell you, and it is never too late, because whatever the reason is, it's for your own good, because jesus said in matthew 7 : "
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened
Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
God bless you
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I can relate, but at the same time I feel there's so much growth and progress to be done on your own--that's what we need to focus on while we wait.
I highly highly highly recommend the book When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It's a great book, and it encouraged me so much when I was single and having a hard time with it. The basic premise is that life does not start when you get married (or even have a sig. other). Life continues, and it gives some great practical advice on how to pursue the Lord and be a godly indivdual while single, which in turn will be good practice for when you get married.
Being single is just as much a gift as being in a relationship or married. There are pros and cons to both marriage and singleness, and it's our job as singles to enjoy the pros, because the pros will become cons when you are married, which is fine, because the cons of being single then become pros when you are married. So don't bemoan the fact that you don't have anyone to cuddle; sometimes you aren't going to want to cuddle when they do, and then what?
i can relate to that
Your post is exactly hitting all the nails on the head of my experience. Being single is tough. It isn't easy, and very few can understand it, especially if they're in committed relationships at the moment. I've been single all my life and watched siblings in committed relationships, getting married... It is hard. I don't find it as hard during the holidays (except Valentine's Day), but there are days when that feeling of inescapable loneliness just sneaks up on you and you can't shake it. That's when I'm glad God is there besides me. great post.
Uhm, never had this problem and If I'm lonely i just grab my bff and we go chill and do something...
Giving is a great remedy for loneliness; giving the time and caring that being "alone" has to those who have less than you do. Especially at Christmas when so many feel isolated. Turn this round? Use it for the positive, for the good of others, to be as Christ to those in need.
Same with me. There were times I cried in inexplicable pain, some kind of longing to be heard and understood. But when I'm busy I normally forget about it.
I haven't been in any relationship, and most of my friendships didn't last. Now I believe I'm simply unlikeable and so keep myself detached. So far, I'm content with my lot, I enjoy my freedom, and my work keeps me busy. But I can't deny that sometimes I long to have a human companion.
me too.
and sometimes it gets to be so hard to deal with.
and I pray about it constantly, but as of yet, nothing has happened.
I just continue to trust that God will fix this for me when the time is right, or at least give me the opportunity to fix this for myself.
Screw dating books! Read "Quirkyalone" instead. ;]
@naphtali_deer@xanga - I, too, struggle with being single when the holidays come around. On one end of the spectrum, I wish I had someone, yet on the other end I ask myself--why would I really want a significant other? Just to fit in? And, really, outside of the holidays, I don't mind being single. If I was to find a mate for the wrong reasons, in the long run, (no offense), but it wouldn't be worth it. Secondly, look at the times we're in (society is getting more and more unfriendly towards children). Thirdly, having a mate can interfere with one's time with the Lord.