Wednesday, 05 November 2008
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It's Not Easy Being Single During the Holidays
Guest post by Brandon_thewriter
I wanted to share some thoughts on living the single life. This post is not written as a formula for the single life, but rather as an attempt to talk about the pain of being single.
I don't know about you, but I feel very short-changed when my eyes scan the Christian book section. Most of these books simply tell you to re-examine your perspective on dating or courting. But what I've noticed is that none of the books that I've read seem to get at the heart of the human experience. For me, it tends to get lonely when the seasons begin changing. It's hard to sit back and watch couples enjoy each others' company while holding hands. Now I know this may seem a bit lame for the average person that doesn't express these emotions outwardly, but as a Christian, I feel that we have to stop stuffing the little things and we must learn to talk about what hurts, like being rejected by someone you've had feelings for. The holidays are coming and it can be a very heavy-hearted time for some.
I've been single most my life. I only really ever dated one girl, which lasted a year or so. Then it ended, but all the members of the opposite sex that I've been involved with, regardless of how "nice" they're always seem to leave me on the short end of the stick. And this hurts, it really does. More than anything I want so badly just to break away from all the Christiantalk and cliche statements that really, even if they are meant well, they do nothing for someone who just longs for a good ear. Anne Lamott once said, "The best sermons I've ever heard arethe words, 'Me too.'" This quote always seems to comfort me, because the quote is about relating with one another.I don't have all the answers to relationships, or how to attract the mate of you've always wanted. I'm just as screwed up as the next person who reads this. But what I do know is that life is hard.A question that always lurks in the back of my mind is, "What's wrong with me?" It seems as though I ask this question yearly. I've heard people say that I need to be okay with being alone and that God needs to be my first love.Not that this is not true, but its gets old and cliche when their is a lack of empathy when feelings are shared. You go through the Bible looking for a passage that talks openly about living the single life, trying to find something to ease the frantic thoughts in your mind. The truth is I haven't found anything that gets at the issue.That doesn't mean that God isn't present in the pain. I am slowly learning that there is nothing wrong with me. As years progress and I grow older I'm also learning that its okay to bleed your heartout to God, because he does care. And in the times you feel alone, you don't have to act tough. The only way the pain will leave is if you stop holding on so tightly.In closing, yes, I still have the desire to meet a girl that loves me for me. It's still hard, but being single is not the end of the world. That's the hardest truth to wrap our heads around.I am a good guy! That's what every girl has told me, but has been unable to follow through with anything else. And for once, I believe that it's not my fault. There is nothing wrong with you because you've been single for so long. We are not as messedup as we think. We are sons and daughters of the most high love and we feel an unseen love.
So my question for you all is: Who is (or has) gone through the same struggle I'm experiencing now?
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Comments (75)
Me too.
I do sometimes. Even just hanging around friends who are in relationships. But head up, because you'll find her.
it's not just during festive seasons, sometimes when you have awesome or really sad news, and just want to cry on someone's shoulder or share your joy with someone, there is no one available. sure i have tons of friends, i have my best girl friends, but it's just a different feeling...so i fully empathize!
Am currently experiencing it, to a certain extent. Right now, I'm mostly content with being single. However, I'm going through a period of personal growth which having a relationship would throw off my progress.
I've always been single. It seems, often, as though I am destined to remain that way... even if I've never wanted things to be like that and have always thought that I would be married.
*sigh* I just need to come across someone who can accept that I'm a constant work in progress (can we say, "being changed from glory to glory"?) and God's not finished with me yet.
Yea, being single sucks, and not just during the Holidays. There are also birthdays or when you want to go to a scary movie... etc., etc.
I have gone through this pain you're going through for 12 years. For a girl, and for me especially, 12 years feel like forever. I went through a few relationships, some good, some bad, and I came out of them stronger yet cynical. Maybe one of the good things about not being in a (bad) relationship is that you don't have to endure cynicism after it disintegrates.
I thank God, though, that I have finally met a good guy that I am so blessed to be with. Sometimes it's difficult, and he's very patient with me, when I say things that shows how doubtful I am of our relationship. But that's why he's a great guy, and God is amazing with me.
As a personal note to you, Brandon_thewriter, I doubt there's anything seriously wrong with you. I said "seriously wrong" because we are all sinful people, but I don't think you're nasty, even though I do not know you personally.
I am also hoping that you will soon meet your Miss Right, and hopefully marry her, too. God knows your heart's desire, Brandon! Just keep on trusting and believing in Him.
Oh, I can really relate to this posting.... recently I had to overcome the reality that the guy I liked for two years didn't choose me as his "other" half ... and I am slowly rebounding back to norm -- I will not go into the details, but the feeling was aching me for several weeks.
I've often asked God what is wrong with me.... but maybe this guy wasn't the one God intended me to be with for the rest of my life.... maybe, God will provide a better person because His timing is always perfect. I pray and hope that you (and all the rest of us who are single, including myself) will find the right person in our life..... just keep trusting in Him. :)
yep, it makes me just want to treat the time as just any other time that way i dont have to come to the realization over and over of how single i am and how i don't have what everyone else in my family had at the same age i am now... this is something i don't think they understand, so i don't try to explain...i just keep waiting and praying for my own special someone to come along..
I don't know. When I was single I always had great Christian friends that were married and they made it a point to make me feel a part of their holiday season. So if you are lacking that then I don't know what to say. It would be hard. I kind of adopted my niece who's daddy left them. I made sure that little girl had all the presents I could afford. I splurged on that little girl. I made her a happy little camper. If people don't find you. Find them. That is what the holidays are all about anyway.
I completely relate to what you are saying! I feel the same exact way. Being single is not fun but every experience I have had in a relationship has taught me more and more about myself and what I want. So for me, i am willing to wait until God brings me someone that not only fulfills my wants and desires, but he is also someone that God wants me to have.
I wish there were ways to combat the lonliness but just think about how great everything will be when you are given that special person! Thinking about this and praying are what gets me through these times...
I recommend James Bryan Smith's biography of Rich Mullins, entitled An Arrow Pointing to Heaven. It doesn't deal directly with singleness as a Christian virtue, but Mullins lived a full life of Christian discipleship without ever marrying, and it comes through. Some of the personal writings of C. S. Lewis shed light on the subject also, since he spent almost his entire life a bachelor (married for four years or so before his wife died).
Sadly, those are the only recommendations I can think of that even come close to addressing Christian singleness in realistic ways.
I'll keep thinking, though.
-NDSR
Brandon_thewriter wrote: "You go through the Bible looking for a passage that talks openly about living the single life, trying to find something to ease the frantic thoughts in your mind. The truth is I haven't found anything that gets at the issue."
I think if you read I Corinthians 7, you'll find it.
Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him...Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife...
...The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided..."
I think that's key: What life has God assigned to you at this time in life? For now, it is singleness.
You also wrote: "...being single is not the end of the world."
Indeed, it is not, for in singleness, as the apostle Paul writes you have a freedom to serve the Lord the way a married man cannot. So by the grace and power of God live for Him in your singleness to His glory. And trust that if God wants you to marry He will bring the right woman at the right time.
@naphtali_deer@xanga -Â
where in the bible does it ever say, that God himself will literally bring you a wife. in the literal sense?
I might be still young but I've gone through your situation on perhaps at your situation at this matter of time. Yes it hurts. But you know what? I've been involving in quite a lot of Christian activities recently and it boosted up my faith and God. And it has given me more confidence to believe that God will provide and He will send to right person to us at the right time. Being single is the best time to draw ourselves closer to God.
Conclusion, we shall just wait upon the Lord for He is good. =)
"me too"
<--
Yep, right there with you on this. I'm always relegated to the "friend" status. I'm an "awesome, great, funny, pretty, sweet...I want to find a GF JUST LIKE YOU" person. Yeah, sure. That's why I spend weekends home alone with my dog.
Being single is harsh. A couple months ago I got out of the best relationship I've ever been in (thus far)...it lasted nearly three years, I loved her, almost married her...but things didn't work.
...with things going on in my life, sometimes I just wish I could call somebody and talk to them about it...be it something good that I want to tell them, or something sad I want to hug somebody and know that she's there regardless.
My situation gets a little different, since I tend to feel distrust coupled with the pain of being single. (Part of me wonders if I'll ever let myself trust somebody else the way I'd trusted her...I probably will, but it feels like it's impossible right now.)
Further, everybody I know seems to be in a relationship now, to the point where I'm tempted to go for a meaningless relationship just for the sake of not being alone (I can't ever get myself to go through with such, as that's simply not me, but the temptation is there).
So...I guess, in short...
Me too.
Engineering school is a good cure to this struggle. Trust me.
Me too.
I'm so glad you wrote this, it's something I've been struggling with lately.
Gosh...I feel you..I'm 22 and have never been in a relationship..I've never even dated anyone..or gone on dates...never had a Valentine...nothing...Every guy that has been slightly interested in me has doesn't have a Faith in God(which is important to me) or does not click with me in any way...I watch my friends go from relationship to relationship, but it never seems to happen to me...I always hear the cliche things, "it's not you.." and "you're so pretty. He will find you"...."your Prince Charming will come"...ext...but I find myself asking all the time, "what's wrong with me?" I know I should be longing for the love of Jesus above all else...but it would be nice to just....have someone..
@Brandon_thewriter@xanga - You're correct, the Bible doesn't literally say that God will bring you a wife...I was making a bit of a leap. But here's some of the logic behind that (as I try to unpack some of my thought process here). (Apologies in advance to those who are more versed in logic than I am...and if anyone has a better way of explaining this, feel free to jump in...)
1. For all who have believed in Christ and received Christ, God is our Father, God is good and is all-wise and omniscient and wants to provide what is best for His children (John 1:12; Psalm 84:11; Luke 11:9-13; James 1:17; John 16:27; Romans 8:14-16, 28-32; Psalm 23). Note here: best does not always mean what *we* think is best.
2. God is sovereign and omnipotent and His plans for His children will not be thwarted (Job 42:1-2; Isaiah 14:24-27; 46:9-10; Ephesians 1:11; Genesis 18:14; Numbers 11:23; Matthew 19:26).3. Therefore if God's will/God's best for you is to be married, He will provide a wife for you.
Does that make sense?
me too...
even though i am young, a lot of my friends are in relationships, and sometimes, especially like you said, during the holidays it all seems a little much. I know I have plenty of time, and that the Lord has lots in store for me, but everyone wants to feel love not only from God, but another human being as well. I hope we both find what we're looking for. Until then, try not to let the pain make you bitter.
P.S. songs help, either to express or to commiserate. Especially during Christmas I like the Jackson Five's Little Christmas Tree
thank you for writing this...
being single sucks esp during the holidays and i think that those who are well-intentioned in giving advice can definitely be quite cliche-ish. i don't think it's b/c they're lazy or anything, but b/c well...nobody really knows what the heck they're doing, ya know? we cling to comfortable sayings in the longshot hope that maybe you'll be briefly comforted or at least momentarily forget your singleness...but the reality is...it's still a cliche that brings very little comfort.
i suppose in the end all we wanted is an ear to listen to our burdens...a person to just say, "me too..." like you've mentioned in your entry. :-/
thanks for listening...