Thursday, 30 October 2008
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Relationships: We're Spiritually Mismatched
Guest post submitted by elvinwei
The age-old problem of spiritual mismatch – where one person is spiritually driven and the other less so - comes up a lot in counseling and with the people I've met. I'm talking about couples where both of them are believers, but i guess it can be applied to believer + non-believer couples to some extent.
Typically the person with a stronger spiritual life feels alone in their walk and wants their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend to "get with the program", probably hoping the less spiritually-driven person will step up their involvement in church or that their values could become more Christian/Biblical. It is natural to feel this, but when you think about it, it should be about that person's spiritual health and not them about keeping you company. Each person should be responsible for their own walk with God, EVEN IF they are your spouse. Even if the husband is the spiritual head/leader. Even if the wife is a man's helper. You can only do your part as a spouse and a believer, and you are not able to drag or push the other person's spiritual walk.
To the question, "How do I help my other half?" and my answer is, think of it in terms of children and their father. As the sibling that is closer to Dad, how do you help your sibling that is not as close to Dad? As the one that is on better terms with Dad, where is the other person? Are they on good terms with Dad but just distant? Are they in a cold war with Him because of something? Are they so distant that they don't even really know who he is? Assume this is a father that is loving and who wants to be on good terms with this sibling of yours. If your sibling weren't talking to your dad, would nagging that sibling really get them closer? Should you drag the sibling to a family gathering so they are forced to be in Dad's presence?It may be that you are the only one around that is close to Dad and your siblings all ignore him or are angry at him or are fighting with him. You would keep on keeping in touch with him, and just love your siblings and give them time, right? You can do and say things to nudge them or remind them, but what else can you really do? And assuming they had a real relationship with Dad to begin with, eventually, they can't keep escaping from the issue. If they really want to ignore your father forever, canyou do to help? I guess you could show or remind them that Dad is actually really loving and misses them. If there were something like a disobedience issue that caused the conflict, while Dad is strict and does discipline us, he still loves the child he disciplined and wants to stay in touch with that child.
Do you ever feel spiritually mismatched with your spouse/significant other? How have you dealt with the situation?
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Comments (29)
2 Corinthians 6:14
In today’s society, (even I have failed to be obedient in this area) many individuals pick a mate according to his or her will, negating the scriptures commands. When it comes to reading scriptures we often pick out the things we like and manipulate the things we don’t like to fit our circumstances. However when we fail to adhere to God’s commands, we find ourselves in marriages that were never authorized by Him. Scripture must be taken seriously and when God gives us a command he is doing it out of LOVE.
For those Christian women and men who are not married, make sure you choose a mate who is not only saved but who shares a similar Christian walk. For example, if you are at a point in your Christian walk where having a personal relationship with Jesus is important and your boyfriend or girlfriend says he or she is saved but continue to drink, go out and party etc….; this is a red flag and will eventually cause conflict in the relationship. You will either find yourself compromising your Christian walk –to be with him or her—or you will try to force him or her to change—consciously or unconsciously. Remember I am only talking to those individuals who are not married yet. Do not compromise in this area, it will only lead to heartache. God has a plan for each us and wants the best for us in our marriage. Take head to his word.
I know exactly what you mean by spiritually mismatched.My husband thinks my Bible studies I go to and the church that I go to is just some kind of social club and he has no desire to be social.I just don't know how to get the point across to him and am starting to feel that he resents the time that I spend with my church friends and going to church things.What would you do?
I think it's rather selfish, personally. God has nothing to do with my relationship with my fiancé. He is an Atheist and I am a Catholic, and I am absolutely alright with that. The embrace of Gods walk should not be forced unto anyone yes it is true, so instead of worrying what kind of Christian or whatever your significant other is, you need to worry about the kind of bond you have with him. If he feels he doesn't need that bond, than he doesn't. It's not up to you.
Just because a person is at a certain spiritual level does not mean he'll advance forward. What really counts is a person's desire to live the most upstanding Christian life he can live, and having a humble spirit that is receptive and is open to correction.
Instead of focusing on a person's "level", if we focus on finding a person with such spirit, we can be glad and confident that it'll come to fruition.