Thursday, 30 October 2008
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Relationships: We're Spiritually Mismatched
Guest post submitted by elvinwei
The age-old problem of spiritual mismatch – where one person is spiritually driven and the other less so - comes up a lot in counseling and with the people I've met. I'm talking about couples where both of them are believers, but i guess it can be applied to believer + non-believer couples to some extent.
Typically the person with a stronger spiritual life feels alone in their walk and wants their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend to "get with the program", probably hoping the less spiritually-driven person will step up their involvement in church or that their values could become more Christian/Biblical. It is natural to feel this, but when you think about it, it should be about that person's spiritual health and not them about keeping you company. Each person should be responsible for their own walk with God, EVEN IF they are your spouse. Even if the husband is the spiritual head/leader. Even if the wife is a man's helper. You can only do your part as a spouse and a believer, and you are not able to drag or push the other person's spiritual walk.
To the question, "How do I help my other half?" and my answer is, think of it in terms of children and their father. As the sibling that is closer to Dad, how do you help your sibling that is not as close to Dad? As the one that is on better terms with Dad, where is the other person? Are they on good terms with Dad but just distant? Are they in a cold war with Him because of something? Are they so distant that they don't even really know who he is? Assume this is a father that is loving and who wants to be on good terms with this sibling of yours. If your sibling weren't talking to your dad, would nagging that sibling really get them closer? Should you drag the sibling to a family gathering so they are forced to be in Dad's presence?It may be that you are the only one around that is close to Dad and your siblings all ignore him or are angry at him or are fighting with him. You would keep on keeping in touch with him, and just love your siblings and give them time, right? You can do and say things to nudge them or remind them, but what else can you really do? And assuming they had a real relationship with Dad to begin with, eventually, they can't keep escaping from the issue. If they really want to ignore your father forever, canyou do to help? I guess you could show or remind them that Dad is actually really loving and misses them. If there were something like a disobedience issue that caused the conflict, while Dad is strict and does discipline us, he still loves the child he disciplined and wants to stay in touch with that child.
Do you ever feel spiritually mismatched with your spouse/significant other? How have you dealt with the situation?
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Comments (29)
wow, this was very insightful. thank you.
This is a great post! I have felt this way, this was very helpful to read.
It's one thing to take your advice if you're married, but as a single, you have the choice to be with someone who is "less spiritual" than you. I don't want to marry someone who will rarely encourage me in my walk with God.
I have stopped dating someone who didn't ever bring up God in conversation. He was a believer, but it is important for me to be able to openly talk about spiritual things with my significant other. I wish my dad had talked about his relationship with God while I was growing up instead of merely focusing on the "rules" of Christianity.
Or maybe I'm too picky. I don't know.
The sibling to father relationship is a great analogy.
This couldn't come at a more better timing. I've been getting closer in my relationship with the Lord and it feels as if my husband doesn't want to. He believes yet still drinks, plays poker, etc. I don't want to force him to do a bible study with me although it does it on his own and I don't want to force him to go to church. Just last night we were talking about it and he was asking me all these questions that he's always wondered as a child...Is there really a God and how do you know? I guess all I can do is continue in my walk with the Lord and hopefully he'll take notice in my changes and want to follow suit. I'll still continue and keep him in my prayers.
There's never a bad time to bring 1 Peter 3:1-6 into this discussion.
great advice. not only that, pray for your partner.
if you're single, keep turning to God to provide for that spiritual SO.
i ended a relationship with an atheist, and it was the best decision i could ever make. it showed me exactly who to look for - the person who has the qualities of God, it helped me filter out the believers who are wishy-washy with their walks too. now i'm with someone who not only believes, but loves God with all his heart.
to know that he loves God and is obedient to God, it gives a great sense of security that everything will be alright.
great post. i am actually in this situation myself. its hard.we both go to church and love the Lord but there still are differences. i think God will show us in due time if we continue to ask Him for clarity and we actually listen to what He is telling us. in the meantime i do pray for my significant others walk with Jesus because i used to do the whole nagging, "lets pray together and what not" but realized if i truly love him and care for his soul, His soul is exactly what i should be praying for!
@GodArt@xanga - You're not too picky.
@HisTwinkleToes@xanga - I don't see anything unChristian about drinking...
I am SO there.
i prefer dating non-Christians, so this has never been an issue for me.
This is really good advice.
It's currently not applicable to me since both me and my SO are pretty spiritual--he, in a philosophical sense, me in a Christian/Lutheran one. We see eye to eye on almost every religious point although we travel by different paths to get there.
@GodArt@xanga - I do if you're always getting drunk.
@HisTwinkleToes@xanga - I would agree with you there.
From what I've observed, it's a lot more rare that both people in a marriage be in the exact same place spiritually than them being in different places.
I really liked the analogy that you used about the siblings and the Father. I think, though, that we ought to remember that we are responsible for our own relationship with the Father, and I'm not sure how large a role a spouse is meant to play in that. I'm still single, I don't really know. It's just a thought.
@GodArt@xanga - I don't think that you're being too picky; it should be important to be spiritually matched with your husband.
I think that believers can certainly be unequally yoked, depending on where their hearts and spirits stand. A good testament to a person's spiritual walk, I believe, is their wonder -- there is so much to learn on this journey and so much to be experienced. When a couple shares the same sort of spiritual walk and therefore a very similar paradigm, their chances of walking the same path for the rest of their life is paramount. When they're not, however, on the same wavelength, I think the best thing for the spiritually-stronger one is to pray for their spouse; what could be more powerful than asking the God of all creation to move in your lover's life and mend them into one?
@GodArt@xanga - Hmm, but is it better to be too picky than not picky enough? It might be.
This is strange that you posted this so soon to when I found it! I've been dating this man for almost a year after telling him 'no' for 5 months because I was nervous about his spiritual background and his beliefs. I've come to find out that he's a believer, but not as 'far ahead' in his walk as I am.
(I hate saying that because it's sounds kind of egotistical of me) But there are times when I just need more from him. I need that encouragement daily saying, "Tarah, don't forget that the Lord loves you no matter what you're struggling with. Tarah, Christ died for your sins, let's pray for what you're dealing with today." I really long for that and I want it in my man. I think I feel like God is a little far from me so that's why I'm not turning to Him and praying for help...or even praying for my man's soul.
I don't know how to be unselfish or get out of this rut. I'm open about how to feel with him and I tell my man that I need that from him. He just doesn't always know what to do.
That's where I'm afraid of me stepping in and being 'the leader' in the relationship when that's not my role.
Thanks for letting me vent
sometimes it's better to get it out to complete strangers!
@GodArt@xanga - no, you are right, there is no reason to settle for less before the couple is married. God wants the best for each of us. and isnt that the reason that there is a dating/courtship stage before marriage, so that a couple can make sure they really want to commit to the whole life-long thing.
yeah my post is totally geared for people who don't see leaving as an option anymore
@mo_chic_for_jesus@xanga - my thoughts exactly--the person has to take care of their own spiritual health, just like their physical health. you can't really eat veggies and exercise for them. but it is hard to just stand by when your other half is being a spiritual couch potato, and i guess alot of people struggle with "letting go", letting their other half take responsibility for themselves. it would be like watching your loved ones wreck their health, like refusing treatment for cancer, or smoking while they have lung problems--it is just really hard to just watch them live like that sometimes.
@elvinwei@xanga - That's true, it would be hard to watch. You love that person, and want to see them thriving. However,I think a lot of problems in marriage arise when one partner tries to control the other in some way, or thinks that that their partner should more like themselves. I think that's a very common and easy mistake to make. We need to realize that God is well able to light a spiritual fire underneath them, and anything we try to do is likely to have the wrong effect. The best thing we can do is pray for them.
@CherryRed2119@xanga - i was totally in your shoes and it was heart wrenching because i was not sure if i should leave or if i should stay. i prayed about it, waiting to see what God would say, yet when it seemed like He was saying "leave him", i would ignore the signs and try to justify staying with my bf. this continued for about 3 years and his spiritual life was still unhealthy and i felt very alone. the signs that God sent was usually in the form of "there is a greater purpose/mission for your life" paired with my bf's lack of committment towards God.
and i don't even know why, but 2 years ago his spiritual life grew back, and he has really become a strong, reliable support in my life.
with that, i don't know what to say to people now. my friends used to always urge me to leave him, as they saw how he was not the man i needed, someone who had no intent of becoming a spiritual leader. but later God did a miracle or something, and now things could not be better.
i guess the one thing that i can say is that we had always talked about this while we were struggling with it. he understood what i was wanting/needing from him, and he honestly admitted that God's will was not a priority in his life. things were hard, but we always talked about it and we always respected each other's needs and wishes.
in the end, i do not believe he changed for me. i think God worked in his heart and he finally responded.
@mo_chic_for_jesus@xanga - yeah that's that would be the ultimate conclusion that i am pointing to. you really can't do anything. but lots of people don't understand that and it causes them a lot of pain to watch. but yeah, each answers to God. if anything, maybe people should choose better people to marry instead of trying to change a certain person.
This has been something I've been wrangling with for my youth. It seems the girls are way ahead of most guys in high school; within our discussions. Frustrating because the bible says guys are to be the spiritual leaders.
When most boys seem to go to youth group in chasing tail... I wonder how I can impart a hope/ drive for spiritual maturity in such young guys. Spiritual/ emotional discipline is so hard to come by...
Tonight at the Denver/ Front Range Presbyterian churches' dance the guys mentioned in going "possible hot girls". Not per say; the chance to be with other Christians in fun fellowship.