Guest post submitted by itsaverbThroughout grade school I was always a bit of a loner. I had traded in some friends foolishly because I was accepted by a "cool" crowd. I tried to mesh them. By eighth grade, all five of us were really close. We grew up in a Catholic school, but that made no difference to me. God was nothing for me – just a school subject.
The kids I hung out with weren't on the right path, but who was I to notice right versus wrong. Well, we were all going to different high schools the next year. After graduation, one of my friends attacked me via internet. She said some horrible things and pointed out everything wrong with me. I was insecure, trying to become my friends, so this was a major hit.
I was very upset. I talked to my other friend only a short bit later and she agreed with our first friend. I was losing it. She also said that the other two girls felt similarly. My only true friends... they weren't even my friends in the first place. That was it. My life crumbled.
Who was I? Obviously, I was not worth keeping. I had nothing. I never had. I cried. I decided I was done. Done with life. I was worthless. I had no purpose. I was going to take my life. No one would find out until the morning. I would leave no note. After all, my family wouldn't care either. They were faking like everyone else.
I took a knife and I poised myself. Tears continued heavily. Then, my hand started to shake and sweat. It was like a light bulb went off. I threw that knife far away and I cried even more. Then, I pulled out a Bible and began reading from Genesis. Just kept reading until I fell asleep. It was then that I decided maybe I wasn't worthless to someone. Maybe this God loved me and He always would. Maybe He was the only one who mattered anyways. Maybe I could trust Him.
I did just that. Had that experience not happened, I would definitely not be here today. Whether I had taken my life that night, or later, or by some other means like drugs, alcohol, or sex. I would not be here. God made me his that night. Rather, I accepted it for the first time. And that, that is God making something ugly so
beautiful, that's the real beginning of my life.
Has God saved you from the brink of something awful?
Comments (12)
how sad.....
not God but you have every right to be happy once again.
my testimony is somewhat like yours... I won't go into the details that led to it, but I pretty much had a razor and had had actually begun cutting. I thought of God, started crying, threw the razor, and began to pray.
If it weren't honestly for that, I would've gone through with it.
this actually makes me happy, I don't see much about people coming to God in this manner [though more power to them that they weren't driven to that point]. It's like... So I'm NOT the only one.
hugs hun been their... attempted a bunch of times myself. I'm glad you didn't do it. I remember one time actually it was when i was 12-13 and I was seriously considering suicide and then i heard this kind of voice in my head saying I love you. Like i was crying and thinking everyone hates me and then it was like God said to me I love you.
"I was very upset. I talked to my other friend only a short bit later
and she agreed with our first friend. I was losing it. She also said
that the other two girls felt similarly. My only true friends... they
weren't even my friends in the first place. That was it. My life
crumbled."
I can totally relate to that part...I changed dramatically hahha..
oh yeah.. alot of shit. high school was horrible for me. emotionally anyways. I had some good friends
I've been on the brink of suicide multiple times, and I can relate with the pain. Early in high school, I ended up in a pretty bad situation. I felt depressed and lost almost all of the time. One day, I picked up the Bible and flipped to a random page. I hadn't been to church in a long time, hadn't given a thought to religion in a while, so this was very out-of-the blue. I don't remember the specific passage anymore (which I guess is sort of strange), but I do remember that it was from Isaiah. And when I read it, I just sort of got filled with a feeling that everything was going to be okay.
Thanks for sharing this....I have a very dear friend who this summer has gone through a breakdown of some sort and has tried twice now to kill herself. She knows Jesus and the Love of God, this is so not like her....but your testimony encouraged me. I know she is in His hands.
It's been multiple situations. I was in a relationship with a guy who was 19 when I was 15. My parents didn't approve and I did something VERY out of character and snuck him over. I very well could have been raped or anything and it wasn't just once that I had him over. It was truly God that nothing too bad happened to me. Later on I found out he was in jail for I believe having sex with minors or something along those lines. So I just thank God that when I wasn't in my right mind He kept me. He is just sooooooooo good!
Also I know this guy who tried to kill himself. He gave his testimony at a youth retreat. He got a gun put it to his head and pulled the trigger. The bullet didn't come out. Then he tried to shoot the wall and it discharged. I was just like omgosh. I knew that was God. He realized that God had a purpose for his life.
Count me in. The pain of not knowing how to fit in, who I was, or why I was here was too great for me in Jr High. I got a nice long knife, took it into the bathroom where the blood would be easy to clean up, put the back of it to the wall and the point between my ribs where I imagined my aorta was, leaned against the wall with one hand and prepared to knock it away with the other.
The a thought from without occured to me, "Where is the pain?" "In my environment," was the short version of the answer. "Why don't you try moving some place else before you do something so permanent? You can always return to this solution later if that one doesn't work." This brought me enough hope to put the knife away for another seven years.
At the end of those seven years I found myself again at the end of my rope, without meaning for my existence. And, no, self-created meaning didn't suffice because it was just as empty as everything else I had seen and tried. So I threatened God, if He existed. He had better reveal Himself to me, because if He didn't I was going to kill myself and take as many as I could with me - in His face!
For some reason, that tantrum resulted in enough peace to wait another seven weeks until He did reveal Himself to me. And though losing an incredibly wonderful wife hurts bad enough to want to die, I have now given myself to Him who rescued me from meaninglessness along with the rights over the time of my death. He is doing the Footprints thing until I am able to walk again. He is also providing me with enough hope to wait for better days when sufficient healing has taken place for life and growth to continue again.
I feel like at one point when I wanted to kill myself and hurt myself that yes God saved me by sending certain people that are important in my life now, to help me.