by miss iris
Song of Solomon 8:4 – Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.An article I read about male/female relationships said:
I've recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the "intimate friends" category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a "friend," all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more.
While I believe there are guys who can be friends (I've seen this in quite a few of my male friends to me), I also am aware that there are times when emotions get in the way. I don't know how to fix this other than to completely stop the friendship until things settle. How can we be friends and still guard our hearts?
As a female, I think one thing I can do would be to stop analyzing the actions of my male friends. Stop thinking that he thinks I'm more special than his other female friends and to not be put out when he treats them the same way as me.
What do the ladies you think? How about guys – what do you do?
Comments (117)
I'm a guy's girl. That girl who doesn't have many girl-friends...
but has lots and lots of guy friends. I've always been one of the guys.
And no, I'm not a lesbian. I'm not a tom-boy. I'm a girl. A girly-girl,
in fact, and it just so happens I get along with guys better than
girls. It's because I have three older brothers.
I met my best friend at SOAR (orientation for freshmen at my university.) And basically, it was kismet, fate... something at
first sight, if you will, meant to be. We've been best friends for the
last five years- and we will always be best friends. And we've loved
each other for all those years too. (Unfortunately, we're the scared
kids. The ones who don't want to screw anything up.)
BUT. I have to plead the other side of the argument (with clarification) - SINGLE guys and girls cannot
be JUST friends. They can't. Sooner or later one or the other will give
a little, and fall for the other one. It just happens. Best friends
make the best partners. It's true. You know each other's secrets, your flaws, your ins and outs. You've been burped on and farted on, you've taken care of the other while you're sick, you've seen the other puke, and you still love that person for exactly who they are- and one day, it changes... The way you see them.
Boys and Girls cannot be JUST friends. It doesn't work. We were designed to love each other. It's NOT selfish to have feelings for someone. It's not selfish to, God forbid, fall in love with the coolest or funniest or most amazing person in your life, the one you spend all your time with, and you laugh the hardest with or waste hours and hours playing Resident Evil 4 with... It just seems natural. Because best friends get married and are
happy all the time. I've seen it happen. And I know what their
marriages are like....
So, no. Boys and girls can't be JUST friends. And knowing their relationships and marriages in the end, I want that kind of love.... Because they're fun. And they love each other so, so, so much.
And also?
LOVED the Harry Met Sally reference. heh....
@ChrisRusso@xanga - Right?
@hubbaduh@xanga - and LOL
@SWAurora@xanga - I bet he had feelings for you at one time.... but he was probably too damn scared to say anything.
I'm with you girl. I am flying out tomorrow to see a guy "friend" that moved out of town about 1.5 years ago. We have kept in pretty frequent contact, but guarding our hearts is difficult when we confide in one another.
Guy-girl friendship is possible only when you set and follow boundaries, such as keeping touch to a minimum and withholding intimate information that is normally reserved to girlfriends. I often see girls try to buy the lies that she thinks of him as a brother (though this is possible, not the case here). Be realistic about your interests and attractions. When things start to hit close to home and both parties are not willing to commit, step back and re-examine your intentions. Oh, and communicate your feelings if you do pass the "friend line". Gosh, like that is sooo hard to remember??
and soooooo to answer el entry below... I have come up with a completely scientifical and professionic idea about the interactions between male and female counterparts.
Once upon a time, I had a pair of socks. So I put them on and ran around and then I stepped right into a puddle. Unfortunately, I was about 6 miles from my house. So I walked home in squishy socks and my toes hated me forever. I washed and dried the socks, and thought, "there's got to be a better way to run around in these cottony plushy socks!" then I looked at my doorstep and pondered and let my eyes wander to a pair of New Balance running shoes... and then I thought, "That's it!" so i threw off my socks and grabbed my flip flops aka chanclas and walked all the way to the CVS pharmacy on the corner of kendall and university pkwy to buy some arizona blueberry white tea (only 99 cents, and in a pretty glass bottle, but also makes no sense because the color of the tea inside is some sort of indigo-y color...) and i drank it. then i went home. the end. : D
heehee xD
anyway... OF COURSE dudes and chicks can be friends! it's kinda their fault that they can't control themselves physically which then affects them emotionally as if their buddy is like, the love of their life, but in fact they are not, they just get caught up in the moment. BUT if the dude and the chick are huggy and say (but don't really tend to say it out loud), "Hey, you're my friend, I will always be there for you when you need me, and I love you in that sense, and stuff", then, hell yeah! success! i guess people suck when they make things harder than it should be, especially when it comes to what they want, what they need, what they think they want, and what they think they need... no one ever lays out the options and just grabs whatever... it gets complicated, and then ultimately, confusing. like love and lust!
love- the crazy-ass word that drives everyone nuts and you can't just stick it into one category: love your friends, lover your family, love your job, love your lover--- what the eff?!, right? right?? then there's lust, the crazy-ass feeling that will confuse the shit out of you, like this one E! television special on teachers and their students (ewww, i know) but those boys are raging with hormones and they get confused when some dumb ass teacher wants to cross the line! Or maybe to better relate to whoever might accidentally read my entries... someone, i duno, a stranger at a bar or something, who is incredibly attractive and smells great (HAHA) comes up to you and hugs you, looks you in the eye and says (i say this this great sarcasm), "I want you, you're the one. oh baby. oh baby." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok ok back to maturity (or sarcastic crazy person... whatever the hell i am on xanga... ::sings:: in my own little corner in my own little chair... i can beeee whatever i want to beeee!!!!! oh, rodgers and hammerstein, where are you now?) anyway you don't know who the hell this person is, or who the hell they think they are, but some people can't control themselves and get lost in a world with complete strangers. sure, some think they can keep their hearts to themselves, but damn, they're already ripped apart. so rule out lust, kids. love is a crazy ass thing, but it's probably worth it. from quietly and subtly holding a friend's hand when they need it the most, to sharing and keeping secrets for a friend, male or female, to those cute little kisses on the forehead or the cheek, or the nose, or right where the jawline starts below the ear and above the neck to say, "hey buddy, i'm here for ya"--- you don't need much know when love is there. sometimes you can just hang and never say a word. yeah. i can go on for hours. so, stay friends, wait it out, be responsible for your actions. you eventually stick to the ones that are... well... the ones. you don't need to create expectations for your friends : D
trust me, i wouldn't know. x'D HAHAHAHAHA sometimes I just kill myself.
(this is the part where you either say, "hell yeah, amen to that!", or, "damn what the hell are you talking about?")
wooo! im out.
i just wanted to say that women make the best friends. the perspective you overlooked is always theirs. perhaps just a primal thing, whatever. but you have to realize she is a friend as you are a friend. nothing more. you know being more would only be weird and not correct per say. emotion can get the better part of us, just one of the catches of being human.
nothing to blame yourself for. one of the pleasures as well. if feeling are there then question them. questions are what helped us evolve and perhaps the question on your mind may in time be a link in the evolutionary chain. if you started as friends and are afraid ask honesty is always the best. your acceptance of the answer is what may be the problem. know that there may or may not be a way you like long as your moving along as much as you can and numero uno is happy. that should always be the most important.
Guys & girls can of course be just friends, but there is, or was at sometime, an attraction from one or both parties at some point.
I love my best friend as a friend, but I still have a huge crush on her as well.
The thing I'm struggling with is that I realize that I start having romantic thoughts toward a lot of my guy friends, and I realize that's wrong if the guy has not initiated any special relationship with me. But I'm waiting and wondering, when will I not have to settle for friendship? When will I meet the one who DOES want "more"? I am learning patience and waiting on God.
I personally don't think there is a YES or NO to this question!! It really varies on the guys or girls side. I had a guy friend who had a girlfriend who he has been with for almost 4 or 5 yrs. By the way this is college!!! I would recieve his phone call daily just to talk about school, his gf, and some other random stuff!! At first I said to myself....he must have trusted me so much to tell me about everything thats going on with his life esp his relationship with his gf!! One day he called me and told me that he missed me....couple days later we chatted on msn...he told me that if he didn't have a gf he would have gone out with me!
For me as a girl, eventhough I had feelings for him...but knowing that he had a gf I just know that its wrong to be involved with him ...emotinally and maybe romantically....I really think that there is no yes or no answer...it all depends...but it might happen to...who knows!!
its not always the girls' hearts being smashed. there are many cases with me and my friends when we've crushed the guys' hearts instead. very few times...most of the time NONE have our hearts been smashed through the stake of friendship =/
and to answer the question, yes.
BUT i dont think they can be friends from the time they first met til the end, i believe, there is always going to be a situation no matter how small where one or the other will have some attraction for the other, for even a little amount of time.
depending on the situation, of course two people of the different genders can be friends. x]
Being an open minded person, I would like to believe that it is possible as long as one keep their hands to themselves. Sadly society can't accept it especially for a married woman to have close male friends. The good thing about having opposite gender as close pals would help balance the understanding of life from a different perspective. Sometimes, people fail to understand that some actually enjoy enlightening and mentally stimulating conversations rather than mere gossipings, shopping or fashion trends.
I think it is possible for a guy and girl to be friends. The problem is when one starts to get feelings for the other knowing nothing will ever happen. People just aren't satisfied with being just friends. They always want what they can't have and when you think about a lot of times when the "friends" turn into "lovers" they don't last very long. Sometimes they do, but not always.
It's hard, but it's possible. I had one extremely close friend, who I fell very much in love with. I told him, and I simply extracted myself from the friendship, carefully and cleanly. We're still friends, just not quite as close as before. And I have another friend, who I've known since I was probably about four, and I myself have no interest in beyond friendship and sibling rivalry. : )
But as someone said, college age. Yeah. The hormones flow, and WHOO. It's hard.
@candyhearts13@xanga - I love how you make that assumption. If that is what you believe than so be it. It is my experience that there are people out there that often mistake a deep friendship kind of love as a romantic kind of love, and in our screwed up world, most people don't make a distinction between the two. Any kind of feelings that go past hanging out kind of friends, is automatically mistaken as something else. I also know that there are people who will never be able to be friends with the opposite sex, or at least will entertain other thoughts before deciding to be friends. That is fine.
As for my best friend. It is a subject that has come up over the years as people like you insist that we would get married one day. Well he is marrying someone else. I like her and we have become good friends. My friendship with T is rare. I know this. I know firsthand how hard it is for guys and girls to be friends.
But I am saying, with complete conviction, it IS possible. We are complex beings who are capable of anything. It's really selling people short to think that at one point or another they are into you. And also extremely narcissistic.
@SWAurora@xanga - It's an easy assumption to make. And feelings are just that... feelings. They come and go very easily in today's society.. Rather unfortunate, but what can you do? It is what it is.
I'm not selling anything short. You know what you know and what you've see- your experience is, indeed, rare. Extremely rare. So rare in fact, that I can say in my own life, it can't happen- not with the people I know, and certainly not in my life. I know what I know- my experience is not rare. Best friends fall in love all the time. It happens everywhere. It happens everyday.
I never said guys would be into me. I've had feelings for several of my guy friends. It happens, I'm a single girl in college, I'm allowed those feelings. And yes, I've had several of my guy friends have feelings for me.
But I am in no way narcissistic.
I'm very happy for your best friend... I hope his wife will become his... best friend, as irony would have it....
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I don't think gender is the factor that has the largest impact on whether one can or cannot be friend with someone.
Other things matter more: cultural and personal affinities, interests, personality.
However, if two friends of the opposite sex are single and there's an amount of physical attraction I think there are chances of having a friendship ......with benefits (even if not necessarily).
No big deal!
@RamblingAngels@xanga - Oh, I never said I didn't grow because of them. In fact, regardless of hopes I had, the very fact that I was around these people taught me so much about myself that I'm still kinda amazed. To answer your question, yes and no. Yes, I believe that at least as much is gained, but no, I think it's more, because in those situations I may be a little bit more likely to notice and therefore learn.
About your comment on sex and the effects that has...I agree, btw. 100%.
I think it's possible, I just wish it was easier for guys and girls to be close friends without there necessarily being anything else between them. I guess it annoys me that people always assume there's something else just because you are friends with someone. I really think it's a shame, because I think it's really neat to have both guys and girls as friends, if you are so exclusive that (as a girl) you'd only have girls as friends, then you are missing out on so much! I mean....we have different perspectives on things and stuff like that. Which is why I love to have a bunch of friends, both guys and girls, and hang out together.