by miss iris
Song of Solomon 8:4 – Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.An article I read about male/female relationships said:
I've recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the "intimate friends" category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a "friend," all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more.
While I believe there are guys who can be friends (I've seen this in quite a few of my male friends to me), I also am aware that there are times when emotions get in the way. I don't know how to fix this other than to completely stop the friendship until things settle. How can we be friends and still guard our hearts?
As a female, I think one thing I can do would be to stop analyzing the actions of my male friends. Stop thinking that he thinks I'm more special than his other female friends and to not be put out when he treats them the same way as me.
What do the ladies you think? How about guys – what do you do?
Comments (117)
I most definitely believe that a man and a woman can be best friends without having sex involved, and without either one being gay. In fact, a really good friend of mine and I are BFFs and he is NOT gay. We even live in the same house together as roomates and no sex is involved. He also introduced me to a friend of his who I am now 'involved' with. I remember at a party one time someone asked if we were dating and he told the woman that we were BFFs and she did not believe him at all. It was funny, because I couldn't understand why that is so hard to believe. I guess its just this generation that a lot of impossible things become possible. Also, I guess it depends on how you are raised as well. I've always gotten along with men a lot better than I have with women so maybe that is how I can be friends in a platonic way.
Absolutely. There are just some friends when Nothing ever happens, no chemistry, no similarities, no feelings towards one another, trust me, I have a TON of guy friends who see me as definitely platonic, ;)
I absolutely think that guys and girls can be close friends. Yes, it is true that sometimes emotions can get in the way and the friendship can become more. My ex started off as being my best friend and we eventually became bf/gf. I also have several very close friends that are guys and we would never ever consider dating each other.
@ChrisRusso@xanga - My thoughts precisely.
I've had several guy friends that stayed just that... friends. But I've also had a couple who, in my mind, became more. So far, though, it's like... 20:1.
Most of my friends are men (I am a woman). I wouldn't have it any other way.
yes, it's possible for guys and girls to be just friends. The only reason (I think) that guys and girls wouldn't be able to have good, simple friendship is because they think emotions are uncontrolable. It's all about feelings, really...if you "feel" a special way about someone, and that feeling is good, you probably won't change it. I think that's why people say falling in love is uncontrolable...because it feels so good they don't want to believe they can stop it.
Maybe people can't stop feelings, although I don't believe that's the case. Say it was, though...God can do anything, including turning off feelings, espcially if they're not feelings he approves of in the first place.
It's also an attitude thing, like some other posters have said...guys and girls have a tendency to think of each other as potential dates or mates first, and then friends later. I think that's a bit backwards, but that's just me.
@hubbaduh@xanga - siblings? lol.. it broke my heart when my bf said he only loved me like a sister.. or a mom :O
and then he came back and loves me more than that??? what a confused family.
Awesome.
I can see it as possible, perhaps, but not necessarily likely. I keep thinking of my female friends...and all of them that I'm close to (or have been close to) are people I'm either currently interested in or have previously been interested in romantically. (A couple of them are girls I've dated in the past, another couple are girls I've considered dating in the past, and more still are girls I'm considering dating when I feel I'm ready again...)
"Guarding your heart is crucial" Being friends with others to learn from and have fellowship with allows us to learn things we would not learn as strangers. There are different level of friendships. Many have friends for their personal advances which can be destructive. A few others can have friends they enjoy giving too. In any type of friendship whether girl or guy/ ,different ways of thinking, or age differences there are risks. People can get hurt or used.
Our friends can have a huge influence over our lives anc choices we make whether they be girl or guy. The closer the friend the bigger the influence. If a girl does not have a brother, a guy friend if he is an honorable guy who loves God and truly wanting to serve God with his life, can help a girl avoid some really bad guys in life by sharing some wisdom about guys with her. In this way, he protects his sister in Christ.
Plus, I pray we are friends with those we do marry first. I have had guy friends that were like wonderful brothers to me but as they became engaged or married the females had issues with me in thier lives even if I was one that helped him understand her more when he wanted to get rid of her at times due to frustration with her. Yet, there is a time when friends come and go. Friends can sometimes be like seasons. Was I friends to encourage them toward God or away? Sometimes, I am a stepping stone in life for girls or guys. There are times to step back as the guy friend moves on in life. God allows us to make choices whether good or bad. We are there to encourage our friends but they are the ones that make choices they live with. Even with the girls I'm friends with, when a serious relationship occurs with a guy in their life that leads to marriage, it affects our relationship, too. In reality their are those that are just seasonal friends that pass in life. Accept it, move on instead of getting bitter about it. Bitterness can make one miserable as we can all look around and see it happen even when we can't see it in our own lives.
Really needy females due tend to set themselves up for problems with guy friends. Find who you are in God not by who you are with a guy in your life. Again, it is motives of a heart that tend to get us in trouble. God is your best friend which you will realize as you grow closer with Him. If we sincerely are seeking God, He can bring into your life some friends that will encourage you as you encourage them. Yet, many of us go through the motions without the sincerity and can make some poor choices in what can appear good to us or what we think we can justify.
Proverbs 2:21 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes; but the Lord pondereth the hearts. (KJV)
Bad relationships between girls and guys in a Christian setting can really be destructive to faith and to those that witness them. There are way too many wolves in sheeps clothing (male & female) in Christian settings these days. Yet, I do beleive if God is truly center of the friendship it is possible but if Jesus Christ loses the center of it back away before it becomes destructive or get Jesus Christ back in the center of it.
OH BOY! I have so much to say about this, especially since I believe friendship should be the foundation for any relationship but find myself always the friend who can never quite break free and get into an actual relationship because the female never feels the same. I think it is possible, but right now I am emtionally the one confused because I still like this girl and we are friends. Part of me hopes she will change her mind about me (we went out on one date but then she did not see me "that way") but knows it is highly unlikely. Mostly right now I am confused but appreciate and value the friendship there...
Can guys and girls just be friends? How can we be friends and still guard our hearts?
I think if you're asking those types of questions re: a particular relationship, you already know the right answer for you...Because if you weren't having doubts about the appropriateness of the relationship in the first place, questions like these probably wouldn't cross your mind.
It definitely would be a great idea to stop analyzing everything. I've been in the situation before, and as no_more_grace said, it's really hard to have intimate relationships. It's possible if you both accept the parameters of the relationship but I have to say it's still difficult.
Of course there are always the guy friends that you're extremely close to and have no emotional feelings at all, so it's OK, but it really depends on the girl and what she thinks she should do.
I'm the one "holding on," and being the guy, I'm having to wonder whether she really wants to be "good friends" or if she's just saying that to keep from hurting me (or if she really wants soemthing more, but even knowing my feelings, she's holding back for some reason).
Honestly, I'd rather she break my heart right now, and tell me there's no chance, than to let me keep holding out hope.
As long as I have a thread of hope, I'm not moving on. Now if she really believes something COULD happen, I'll take that, and let things run their course.
But I don't want to just be "good friends." If she comes out and says "I really don't think I'd ever want a serious relationship with you," then I wouldn't break off all communication. Honestly, if we remained "just friends" for the rest of my life, I would still be the luckiest guy in the world.
So why can't I leave it like that. Why do I have to be luckier than the luckiest guy in the world?
Love is confusing. Shocking revelation, I know.
I think one solution to this problem is just to regard your intimate girl/guy friends as sisters/brothers. Needless to say, that's easier to do with those whose age is not so close to yours, but even if it were, it's still possible to consider them more as brothers/sisters than a possible life partner.
Another thing I've noticed is Christian guys tend to be very nice and girls often mistake that for romantic interest. so, that's another thing to keep in mind...
friendship is all right as long as it is not mixed up with sex. in my experience, as soon as sex comes into the mix, or anything remotely sexual, then feelings can get confused. I can be perfectly fine having a guy friend as long as a) there are no sexual attractions OR b) he respects my body and does not make moves when he is not interested in me that way. i have had friendships tested when people do the otherwise. all in all, i think guy girl friendships are great, and i think aside from sex, feelings can evolve naturally. sex always complicates things! stay away from it unless you know it is serious! i forgot to mention the sex mainly complicates things for women, not the men. or slash, the person who is sleeping around aimlessly without emotional attachment, sometimes that is the woman. you know who you are.
I think it all depends. For instince, I'm currently engaged. I met a guy the other day at my job. Very nice guy, very good person. We could've been friends except he didn't respect the fact that I was already in a relationship and continued to hit on me.
Me, trying to honestly just be friends, tried to get him to see that I wasn't interested in him--not in that way--but I did want to be friends. Finally I just saw that we couldn't be friends.
Now, there was another guy who I met. He respected my relationship, and everything we talk about--the tone remains strictly that of two friends talking to each other. In situations like that, yes, I truly believe men and women can just be friends and be fine.
Now, that said, I think that men are always thinking with their "male mind." You know, the instantly wanting to sleep with anything remotely female mind. Not dissing the male species; males and females think differently and that will always be fact. However, it is when males are able to put those thoughts aside to actually think things through and want to talk to a female--for a friendship----and females want to talk to a male without instantly thinking "oh, not another typical male"---then yes, males and females can be friends.
andie
@poet85@xanga - but do you ever feel that you gain from their personality even though you would rather date them? maybe hanging around them does change you in ways that a friend would. that is what i realized from guys who supposedly broke my heart. i had found a way to keep them for myself without having to give up my independence :P
@andrea_topaz@xanga - yep i agree
well my freshman yr in college i met this guy and we became friends. he told me he has feelings for me, but i guess since he told me this when his feeling are just starting to form and i put a stop in it. well im not really interested with him "romantically" speaking, so until now we're still friends, good friends.
so yeah guys and girls can be just friends.
@Cygnus33@xanga - ok... the God-card... it's a term my friends use... sorry... ok so the God-card is the card that is played when a person decides he/she doesn't wanna be in the relationship so rather than being honest, they basically say, "I feel like God told me to break up with you..." which then abdicates all responsibility upon the player of the card and just makes them free of any responsibilities of honesty and integrity
this is before when they say, "I feel like God told me to date you..."
i know girls who did this... on a repeated basis... and they are the most fickle, irrational, immature, yet wonderful and great girls... which is where the tension of attraction lies with these girls...
the God-card... a most hated ideal... and regularly God is rarely involved in it... 9.5/10 times...
@leadworshipper82 - I definately agree. I knew someone once who played that card every chance she got. "God told me to be friends with you..." "God told me I should date this guy..."
Even though I'm not a Christian (raised Christian, but more spiritual now), I know that God wants one to live their life, encounter new relationships, make new friends, etc.
I dated someone once who told me "I wanted to date you but God had other plans for me."
Can someone explain that???
no.
@andrea_topaz@xanga - i'm not so sure what that means other than he's trying to reign over his emotions and playing it as God-centered as he can... or again abdicated and avoided his responsibility...