Guest blog by Tammy Hodge
I will never forget the day it hit me. The day I realized, in a very powerful way, who I was and whom I wasn’t letting go of. My past, as twisted as it seemed, became my security. It was all I knew. In spite of this beautiful new life of mine I was still so attached to who I use to be. I carried with me every day my little secret. It had become a vital part of living.
Removing it, to me, would’ve been equivalent to donating my lungs. My very breath. Something I could not survive without. To let go of my secret would be to let go of me. Exactly. And that was a horrifying thought. What would I do? Who would I be?
For many years I had long hair down to my waist. When people described me I was the girl with the “real long hair”. That was my identity. It also became my security. I enjoyed people noticing my long locks instead of me. I hid behind it all. Until the day when out of the blue I decided to cut it. I cut off my identity and security. It had become my counterfeit comfort. When it vanished I was left with two choices. I could either replace it with something else to hide behind or deal with the issue at hand. Why was I hiding? What was I hiding from?
I came terribly close to replacing it with an eating disorder I had just two years earlier. It would’ve been so simple to invite it back having just had a child and a few extra pounds that I detested. Until, I remembered how tired and sick I constantly felt throughout my journey with anorexia. Besides, my husband was aware of my struggle with this disorder and would instantly spot its return. There seemed to be nothing for me to latch on to. But I needed something to be identified by, something that would take the focus off of me. But the Lord would have it no longer.
Shortly after removing my security blanket of hair I sat at home, alone with our daughter K who was 5 months old at the time, when suddenly I became weighed down with despair. I felt a stirring within me; an uneasiness about me. There was a heavy burden making its way to the surface and there was no stopping it. It was a rock bottom moment. I had been battling with the Lord that day, pleading my case before Him as to why I needed to protect my secret. God why can’t I just tuck it away? Why does any one need to know? All is fine, why disturb the peace? Then He responded, “Because there is no peace Tammy”.
He revealed to me how tormented I was inside. How preoccupied I had become with my secret and the fear of it getting out. It owned me! Daily I dredged up the past and my abortions. It weighed powerfully on me each time I gazed at my daughter. I couldn’t look at her without thinking of what I had done. My thoughts so frequently stepped back to that abortion clinic, to the horrible things of my past. As a result God had been put in second place, or worse. As a matter of fact, He never had a chance at His rightful standing. I allowed my hang-ups to take precedence over what should have been God’s position in my life. I hit the ground. Everything within me gave out as I fell to the floor. With my head in my hands I wept and cried out to God, “I’m done! I cannot do this any longer!”
I remained there for what seemed like hours in brokenness. I had arrived at the end of Tammy’s road. Now it was time to merge onto God’s road. I’m not sure how much time passed before I remembered little K lying on the floor right beside me. I lifted my head from my hands and saw this beautiful creation, this stunning child, starring back at me. Looking into the eyes of the innocent I quickly accepted what I must do to become the mother she would ultimately need. From that moment on I no longer looked at her as a tool God may use to “get back” at me. I began to see her as a gift, an honor, a living example and proof of His unconditional love.
Comments (50)
Very powerful and beautiful. Thank you very much for sharing. This means a lot to me.
beautiful...it is in our despair that God meets us so powerfully. and what a great gift, that he was able to allow you to see your daughter in a new light. free from guilt. resting in the glory of His goodness.
1. A fetus is not a human if it does not have a heart or brain. It is not a being, so abortion is not murder.
2. Many people can't afford a child or a woman was raped, she deserves abortion, because the baby would remind her of the rapist.
3. Not every parent is a good parent. If a woman/girl doesn't want a child she shouldn't have to be one. She can abort the child and eliminate any psychological problems that child would face.
4. There was and will be abortion. If not legal, illegal back-alley abortion.
5. Religious leaders advocate that abortion is immoral, not God. If God says that aboriton is illegal, he would come to us and tell us. Religious leaders have a long history of corruption. How do you know if they're not feeding you bullshit?
A beautiful testimony. It shows how God understand what you are going through, and how he helps you come out of it. :)
I'm going to share this with one of my friends. She'll be really touched by this story.
thanks everyone, again. thank you so much for the encouraging words.
all i know is we all have something to offer. a part to play. even our messy pasts can play a monumental part in changing someones life for good. we have to reconcile ourselves to our pasts, get up and reach others.
@athleticbutgirly91@xanga -
1. 21 days after conception the baby has a heart, and as early as forty days there have been recorded brain waves.
2. All kids are expensive. But that doesn't mean you shoot them. And why can the woman not give the child up for abortion? She has obviously gone through a traumatic thing, and having an abortion can double the amount of stress and sadness. Mothers have a connection to their children that cannot be explained through silence. Killing the child breaks that and most of the time gives you the emotion of loss.
3. So if there is any chance that the child will have any problems with having been orphaned or has a bad parent you should get rid of it? Why don't you let that be the childs decision?
4. Back-alley abortions aren't as popular as everyone makes it seem like. Before abortions were legalized very few had these. If they wanted to get rid of the child, the safest way was to have the kid and dump it at an orphanage or the closest garbage can.
5. The Bible, the Holy Word of GOD says:
"Not of the letter (the human law of the land), but of the Spirit: For the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth Life." - 2Corinthians 3:6
"Though shalt not kill." (Exodus 20:13)
"All things were made by Him; and without Him was not any thing made that was made. In Him was Life; and the Life was the Light of men." - John 1:3-4
MEANING:
"I lay down My Life, that I might take it again. No man taketh it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. I have power to lay it dow, and I have power to take it again." - John 10:17-18
God gave us life, created life, and he has the ability to take it away. He is the only one to take away life justly. (War and self defence are different. duh.) The child was born in sin, but the Lord will choose when the child will be held accountable. A baby who hasn't even been born wouldn't be held accountable. Taking an INNOCENT LIFE is a sin. And I know they are not feeding me bullshit because I look at it myself. I may be a sheep (Bible reference) but I am not a blind sheep. I go to the Bible and read it. God says it, that settles it. (I use the King James Version or the Authorized Version.)
wow that was amazing. you don't hear something like this often and i'm so glad when i find things like this. thank you so much for sharing your beautiful heart with everyone!
your baby girl is definitely proof of God's unconditional love!
Wow. Thank you for sharing. My ex g/f had a very difficult time accepting the forgiveness God had given her for her abortion. Through time and Christian counseling she did accept it.
We all bring up old sins. In fact, my most recent post talks about Sin we fish back up rather than being fishers of men (in the context of Nietzche and the book of Micah).
@athleticbutgirly91@xanga - There are plenty of places on xanga to have this argument. Why bring it here?
@MoBunshin@xanga - I'm not Christian. Stop imposing your beliefs on me. And abortions isn't murder. It's just a birth control method. If you conservative Christians talked about contrecpetions, then abortion use would be minimized. Abstience isn't the only birth control available. There are condoms, diaphrams, birth control pill,etc. Abstience may be 100% effective, but people want to have sex, and the most safest contraceptions are the birth control pill and condoms. Finally, the Bible isn't God's word, its the religious leaders' word. If it was God's word, God would tell it Himself.
God bless you.
@athleticbutgirly91@xanga - why are you even reading this blog? It's obvious that you are just here to hurt and destroy. Stop taking away from a beautiful testimony, and go write your own blog about abortion and God if that is truly the way you feel.
wow.
Powerful Story. Powerfully written. You are a blessing to many Tam.
Bless you. That was a very brave testimony.
Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers.
I can so relate. Thank you for sharing. Your openess and praise in it is bring healing and wholeness to others.
@mrsmarkwith@xanga - @athleticbutgirly91@xanga - I'm not religious either, but I come here from time to time to read and comment... and I've done my fair share of shit disturbing... but I've realized this isn't the place for it. Just respect, and if you have issue with the content, write your own blog, indeed. Even religion aside, consider how you might be making this woman feel, by pointing out that "HAY, ZOMG, THERE WERE CONTRACEPTIVES, U KNOW" when the deed is already done. That's like telling a burn victim that "well duh, you shouldn't play with matches, idiot".
It's no help to anyone, nor is it productive in any way. I respect the right to free expression, so by all means, say what you wish, but do it on your own turf maybe... or at least, be more respectful here. It's just common and comment courtesy, y'know?
Tam, thanks so much for sharing. You have a powerful testimony and heart.
What a powerful and honest testimony. God bless you. from ISaac I will be praying for you!
Do you feel this way aobut your abortions because of your faith, or because you truly believe it is wrong? there is a huge difference between these two ideas.
i had the same experience with the long hair. it felt so good when it was finally gone.
This is a lovely post, thanks so much for sharing this.Indeed we have a forgiving and loving God. In the end all we can do we can count our blessings and give our praise to Him.
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you!
i love your heart, tam. and the way you continue to allow (invite!) God to work in you and through you...