Wednesday, 17 September 2008
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How I Learned To Like My Scars
Guest blog submitted by hubbaduh
When I first stopped hurting myself, I was SO DISGUSTED with my scars. I was completely repulsed by them. I hated myself because of what I had done to my body. I would pray all the time that God would somehow supernaturally remove them. I hated this reminder of my past. I totally allowed the devil to hold it over my head.
In time though, my views about my scars changed. I went from being triggered everytime I took a shower or bath to not constantly noticing (and being repulsed) by them. This was a a gradual process, but I eventually got to the point where I was okay with them. Going from wanting to vomit and tear my flesh off every time I saw my scars (which was constantly...I'm literally covered in them) to simply "being okay" with having them was a HUGE step for me.
God went above and beyond. He's cool like that.
I'm now at a point (and have been for a while) where I actually LIKE my scars. Now, don't misunderstand me. It's not that I want more of them or anything, but the ones that I have...I like them. I think that they're beautiful. When I look at them now, I am no longer reduced to tears because of my disgust for myself, but rather I'm reduced to tears at the reminder of God's mercy and grace that has been shown in my life.
God has not only redeemed me, but He has even redeemed my scars. What once was lost, has now been found.
God's goodness,something that I most definitely do not deserve, is evident in my life. The love and compassion of Christ has not only saved me from sin, but has also saved me from the shame of these scars. The devil is always going to try to get you to focus on your past sins and failures. My scars used to be a reminder of all of that. There are now instead a reminder of everything good that there is about God, and there's a lot of good stuff about God
Here's the deal: crap is going to happen in your life. If it hasn't already already, I can safely guarantee that at some point, you're going to go through some pretty heavey stuff. For some, it's worse than others. Regardless of what "junk" you have to endure, you'll eventually have to decide how you're going to let it affect you for the rest of your life. Your can choose to become either bitter or better. If you choose to become bitter, you will let whatever happened in your past define your future in a negative way. If you choose to be bitter, you let your horrible past circumstances win. If you instead choose to be better, you let all the crap that you went through....all that torment and hell....you take it, and you use it to make you stronger.
When I first started trying in Tae Kwon Do (I'm a 2nd degree black belt, which means that I'm certified to kick your butt
), if you goofed off or were a smart aleck or whatever, you had to do push-ups. Now, you could be bitter about that...whine and complain the whole time that you did them and not put any effort into it and not even do "real" push-ups. Or, you could choose to become better, and really take your time while doing those push-ups....REALLY do them...work on your form...imagine how you're going to be stronger for doing them, and how it'll help you in that tournament next month. Either way, you're doing the push-ups so you might as well try to turn it into an advantage.My parents both died while I was in high school. Big suck. The thing is, it's already happened...it's in the past. I can't do anything about it (still working on that time machine...) except choose how I'm going to react to it now. I could, over 9 years later, throw a pity party....I could wallow in my misery....I could give up on life....I could kill myself. I could focus on all the pain that I've been through and decide that life just isn't worth it. OR...I could tell myself, "If we were able to survive losing our parents while we were still in high school, we can do ANYTHING! I mean, we've been doing life 'on our own' now for about 6 years...nothing can stop us! All this stuff that we've been through has just made us stronger!"
Imagine what would happen if we all started to view all the crap that we'd been through as an advantage. I'm not trying to say that I'm "glad" that my parents died like they did, but here's the deal: I am a stronger, more compassionate person now because of what I've gone through. I totally believe that. Was it hard? Yes (hey, it's STILL hard at times). All that grief that I went through (that I still go through at times) takes its toll on a person. The thing is,the hard times made me more patient and empathetic towards others. The devil wanted to use this destory me, but instead, I've allowed God to use it to make me into an even better person. How awesome is that? What better way is there to stick it to the devil? What he planned to use to destroy me, God is instead using to build me up. Take that, Mr. Pitchfork!
How have the difficult things in your past helped you become a better person?
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Comments (164)
I used to cut myself too... In fact, the last time I did it was just over the summer [i'm still in the recovery process].
I'm only 18 and I've been through more in these 18 years than some people will go through their whole lives. The problems in my life do get me down sometimes (just read my last post to see what I mean) but I'm fully aware that as soon as all this has blown over, I'll be a stronger person.
The difficult times I've gone through are definitely helping me these days with my current problems... Cause whenever I feel that I'm unable to make it through, all I have to do is think back to those times. If I made it through that, then I can make it through this as well. It gives me strength.
One time, I got into a huge argument with my dad, where I ended up running to my room crying, with one thing in mind: To cut myself and never stop. While I was cutting myself, I heard my dad tell my mom that I was hopeless..... So I carved the word "hopeless" on my left forearm... This was last Christmas.
It's healing quite nicely... The best part? All I can see now is the word "HOPE".
Funny how that works out.....
Very powerful post. I just randomly clicked on the front page and I wasn't expecting such an interesting post. You've brought out one point which I was subconsciously doing to myself and that is looking at myself with disgust. I don't have any physical scars but I certainly have emotional ones. You've given me enlightment. Thank you.
@Rana0614@xanga - I hope that you realise that you're not hopeless....I'm so sorry that your dad said that about you...that must have really hurt
There is ALWAYS hope 
well, its definitely made me a much stronger individual. i know, ive gone through hell and back, but i have to thank God for not giving up on me. i know, times can get tough and sometimes the world feels like its closing in on you, but you're not alone. God is always there beside you, whether you think God is there or not. sometimes, things have to happen in order for you to put things in perspective in your life. and when that happens, you have a deeper appreciation and understanding.
thanks for the great post.
I'm a Thai buddhist girl but , I'm raise by my Aunty , my mother dies when I'm still small and My father is Nepalese so i wont ever see him , i can relate also to your story , I'm glad you will see more clearly and are touch in your heart to share with other ... I hope the best to you , and you have a Sexy arm :D
Thank You so much for writing this. I share this same sentiment. Although my scars are more mental and emotional, I still have some. I do believe they made me a stronger person, even though I wish those moments had never happened.
I was sick throughout high school and harrassed by my peers. During all this, I had two back surgeries and lost my grandfather who I was extremely close to. Thankfully I had family, friends, and God on my side. They made sure I didn't slip into a depression, even when I was at my worst.
So you can see why I connect with this post. Yay for you, for getting through what happened. I couldn't possibly know how hard that was, but I'm sure you ARE a stronger person because of this.
Reading this is really uplifting... because I did cut and right now I am at a point trying to accept what I have done. I am too scared to wear anything that shows my arms because they have been scared up and down.
It was cool how I stumble across this entry right when I needed it the most.
God does wonders. Thanks! This post taught me to accept my scars and I hope slowly I will.
@ljtong@xanga - It took me a long time to get to the point where I am today, but I promise that it's possible
Don't give up...there's hope 
One day too I'm sure that you'll be running around in shorts and a t-shirt showing off what God has brought you through 
I really like what you said in this post...
it really helps out all of us out here who are currently going through or went through misfortune happenings.
When I had problems, failures or went through defeat in the past, I would feel sorry for myself and have a pity party. Now that I have a more mature view of things in life, I learned a lot from the things that happened in the past and used the wisdom I gained from those experiences to make myself stronger... and as a better person.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. : )
i dont believe in god, but i do believe that the good and bad times in your life shape you. im going through a difficult part of life right now im practically on the ledge, were i need to be very careful not to fall off. i just have to look ahead and walk.
i think if you stop and ponder about bad things it gets stuck in your head and without even knowing it you subconsiously have those bad feelings everytime you think about it.
Thank you for writing this post =)
My scars make up part of who I am. They remind me of what has happened, what should be remembered, what should be forgotten and what should never be repeated again. In the beginning, I hid them and was so scared that other people would ask questions about how they had got there. Now I dont care anymore. Physically, they've healed and closed over. Now for the ones you can't see...the ones that are the hardest to heal.
i feel glad for you. (: God bless.
" A brand new creation indeed" ^^ God delivered me from severe depression and drug addiction, He is AMAZING ^o^!
The Lord be with you sister, I will pray that you remain vigilant.
Wow. What you say is so true. I've been through a lot of "crap" and have come to look at it as a gift (not that I actually WANT any more of these gifts lol), a gift that God has chosen to trust me with. The gift of pain...and he knows I can choose to become bitter and let it wreck my life...but he also knows that if I choose to become BETTER, he'll be able to make me beautiful...and stronger.
Love how you put this.
"God went above and beyond. He's cool like that." =)
I too have some scars, they are not from me cutting myself but rather from where the doctors cut. They are large and on my chest area, I had to have central lines and a portacath for lupus treatments. Like any woman these scars can be ugly to see and I would rather they not be there, but they too remind me of Gods grace and mercy. He was there with me during the treatments and in the OR when the doctors placed these devices to aid in my fight of this disease. When I see them I am thankful for sparing my life. I am also thankful because I know He will be with me again to fight my never ending disease. Like my scars my disease will never be gone (no cure) but I am a child of the King and I trust him with my life. I know that one day in heaven all the scars will be gone and we will have a perfect body, disease will not be and hurts will be gone. He has paid for my sins and is building a home for me in glory, I can trust him with these scars that I have.
I'm really impressed with your acceptance of what you've been through. I used to cut myself too,but thankfully my body doesn't scar very easily,because I don't think I could have the maturity you do to not be ashamed and angry with myself every time I saw them. I can barely even talk about it, much less deal with a visual reminder. I commend you for opening up like you did,I find it really inspiring. Your testimony is extremely powerful,thank you for sharing.
Awesome post.
It's sad that you had to go through so much!!!! but its great that how you shared all these with us.
All the best to you!
@bittersunday@xanga - They don't heal or you won't let them heal? I've seen some very severe scars that some people have had to suffer heal. To carry the analogy through, a scar is something that has in fact, healed. It may change us, (just as the scar makes skin look different) but it is healed and not festering. Forgiveness is not accepting what happened, but to let go of the vindictiveness that will eat us alive if we let it. That's not to say that perps don't deserve justice, they do.... but to hold all that anger and wrath up inside only hurts you, and it gives them the power to continue hurting you long after they have dissapeared from the scene.
Thank you for your post. Without going into needless detail, I can say that your words have touched me, and I feel the love of God in your writing.
Thank you.
@Happily_Married_Guy@xanga - Sir, I really really really do not want to argue with you. I am going through an incredibly difficult time right now (which is an understatement) and getting replies on this post about my life when I do not even know these people who are replying is very painful to me.
I don't want this to come out as rude, but please take into consideration that you do not know me or my past or my struggles at all and that these people have not "disappeared from the scene" and that this is an ongoing living nightmare. And I don't mean in the emotional sense, I mean in the literal and physical sense.
I am sure you only had good intentions writing what you did and you probably only meant to help but please...I don't want to argue with you and you do not know what I am going through right now.
To explain or go into some kind of debuckle with you about my life would be to elaborate upon something painful and potentially dangerous to my safety and I do not want to do that on a public forum.
I ask that you please do not respond to this message. Thank you.
I am sorry if I offended you in any way writing this, that was not my intent.
Your positive attitude is something to be admired.
I wonder if heaven will ever get over populated...
i think your scars are beatiful too. your amazing for overcoming your problem and accepting it for what it is.
SELF MUTILATION TOOK OVER MY LIFE AND DESTROYED EVERYTHING BEAUTIFIL IN IT. CUT AFTER CUT I LOST EVERY ONE I LOVED BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF AS WELL. THE DEVIL SURELY SUCCEEDED IN HIS JOB FOR YEARS . I COULD NOT LET GO OF THE PAST BECAUSE I WAS SO USED TO THOSE FEELINGS AND MEMORIES AND HE WANTED IT THAT WAY. I PRAYED SO MANY TIMES FOR GOD TO HELP ME NOT FEAR THE PAST BUT BE STRONGER FOR IT . AND GUESS WHAT I AM NOW TODAY STRONGER FOR THOSE HORRIBLE MOMENTS. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY AND I HOPE IT HELPS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO FEELS ALONE.