Wednesday, 10 September 2008
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God Am I Screwed Up?
from hubbaduh
I read an interesting post about why kids are sexually active at such a young age nowadays.
In a nutshell, she says that it's because of the deeper issue of fatherhood (and masculinity) being so messed up in our culture now.
I actually agreed with a lot/most of what she said, but I also think that it's a REALLY complicated issue, and there's much more to it than what we realise (translation: kids are having sex at a young age for at least 5,498 distinct different reasons).
Here's my thing: if the problem is with fatherhood, then what can we do about it? I think that it's great for us to know WHY something is the way that it is, but even more important (IMHO) is for us to figure out ways to make it better. I can sorta figure out in my head steps that we can take to help future generations, but what do we do right now for the 14 year old girl being raised by her single mother who has no positive male role models? Is she simply a lost cause?
Growing up I had no positive male role models. The last few years that my father was alive, I would say that I hated him. We never really got along. I never liked him much. We had our moments, but overall, we had a strained (and poor) relationship. That said, if he were alive today, I actually think that we would get along well and be friends. I wouldn't necessarily say that he was a "bad" man. He had his issues and whatnot, but I know that he had a very hard life (including childhood) himself, which looking back, really explains why he did a lot of the things that he did. Anyway, I say all of that because I don't want you to think that I'm purposefully trying to bash my father.
Anyhoo...like I was saying, I had a fairly poor relationship with my father. I believe (or at least hope) that he loved me very much, but I simply think that he didn't really quite know how to be a good dad.
So from birth to the beginning of my junior year of high school, I had a pretty crappy male role model. Then my dad died and I went to live with a friend of mine's family. Her father was similar in a lot of ways to my dad, but I would say that overall we had a better relationship than the one that my father and I had. Now, it wasn't great by ANY means, but it wasn't too shabby. We definitely had a few touching moments, but at the same time, even a perfect father figure wouldn't have been able to completely make up for 16 years of "not goodness," you know?
So for three years I had this "new dad." Things ended very poorly with this family. It all came to a head when I was in a hospital about 10 hours away from home, when my friend's mom tells me on the phone "I don't know if I love you. I haven't known you long enough." I took that as the "we don't want you to be part of this family anymore" hint.
Since then I haven't had any consistent father figure in my life (or mother figure either). I really haven't had a family or a place to belong since then.
So I'm left asking myself "Am I screwed?? Am I destined to become a man-hater or have horrible relationships with men because of this???"
In all honesty I WAS a man-hater for a little while. My personal experience with men was that they knew women were the weaker sex, and that they would take advantage of women verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually because of it. Simply put, men knew that they could get away with it. Ultimately, I couldn't stop them from doing ________ (insert whatever you wish). I quickly learned that all men wanted was sex. I was not a human being, but simply an object. I also quickly learned that sex was my only way to turn the tables on men. I could use it to manipulate men, and hopefully protect myself. It was a way for me to exploit men and be in control.
For me, a lot of being sexually active was about self-preservation and control. I hated being out of control. My whole life was out of control. I wanted to be able to control SOMETHING...ANYTHING...I didn't care what it was.
For the record, I am no longer a "man-hater." It took time to get over it, but actually becoming a Christian really helped with that. I began to attend church and get involved, and I met some young guys who weren't, *gasp*, scummbags. They were nice, polite, and courteous. They treated me and the other girls/women like sisters...like human beings, and not simply sex-objects. It was quite strange at once...not something that I was used to.
Sometimes I start writing a blog post and I have this real concise idea of what I want to write about, but while writing, it turns into word-vomiting. That's what this post has turned into. If you're still reading, you should get a gold star.
Anyway, yes, fatherhood is important. Men and women are different, and both are important. One is not better than the other. Do some men suck? Of course, but so do some women. We both have some bad fruit, you know? Anyway...while fatherhood and masculinity are important, you know what? It's not the "be all to end all." That 14 year old girl being raised by her single mother with no male role models...yeah, she's not a lost cause. NO ONE is a lost cause. There is ALWAYS hope. Would it help her out growing up if she had a father who loved her? I'm sure that it would, but I don't necessarily think that she's at some huge disadvantage because she doesn't.
Everyone's life is messed up. No one has a life of perfect circumstances. Stuff happens...it really does...it's not simply a bumper sticker.
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." That quote is basically saying "when something crappy happens to you, turn it around and make something good out of it." If the crappy thing never happened to begin with, then you might never have had that opportunity to make something beautiful out of it.
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Comments (30)
My father was an abusive man. I'm not going to say that despite this I prevailed... because I have had premarital sex. What's "funny" is that, at the time that I lost my virginity, I thought that losing it at 17 was "old". Come to think of it, I lost my virginity one year after my very first kiss... Then again, I hadn't been saved.
I don't know if my father's abuse and the eventual absence from my life served as the catalyst for my sexual beginnings being as early as they were. After all, my sister hasn't begun anything sexual yet and she's nearly 17... Actually, she hasn't even had a boyfriend yet. But, if I had a father who cracked the whip if he heard about me having sex? I'd sure think that I wouldn't be having any more of it.
The crumbling family unit is a big factor in the degrading morals of our society, in my opinion.
Peace&love,
Brooke
i had sex at a fairly young age (16) and i have no need to blame anyone. i had sex because i loved my then-boyfriend and trusted him. i have zero regrets. sorry to damage your theory, but not every sexually active teenager is messed up or regrets it.
I'm an 18-year-old virgin for private reasons. Almost all my friends lost it at an age younger than mine. I agree with you, while fatherhood is ONE factor, there are many--media portrayals of casual sex and mocking those who wait for someone special is a major one I think. However, it's their desicion, and I am definently not going to judge them for it. Sex is such a private matter. While I do think kids having at as young as 14 is horrible, and may possibly ruin sex in the latter years (considering they more than likely can't even completely comprehend what's going on at the time). It is sad what it's all come to...sex is the new making out.
whoa. props to you for sharing this private part of your life and being so humble. and no, you're not screwed up. God loves you for who you are, regardless of life's circumstances and our dysfunctional crumbling families, and that is all that matters.
may His love help us to reconcile and face our often difficult pasts and then mold and transform it into a fresh future, full of possibility and hope.
@Soapie@xanga - Thank you
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - I'm not sure that you understood the point of what I wrote. I never said (or tried to imply) that every sexually active teenager is messed up or regrets is. I'm sorry that you inferred that from the post.
You don't sound messed up, you sound like you've healed a lot and that you're still healing...and you're a very thoughtful, intelligent person who has the ability to put everything that happened in perspective.
I have trouble trusting men. Most of the men in my life have done nothing but the same things you say - leave, or treat women as objects, or be on a power trip and try to manipulate and control women. The only man I have had a positive experience with is my adoptive dad. He is wonderful. My birth father? I call him my sperm donor. He is a complete scumbag, and yes, I do know his history.
I don't know if I will ever get over being afraid of and repulsed by men. If a good one ever comes along, I'm not sure I will recognize him.
I am raising my sons without their father - because he died when they were young - and yes, it affects them, but in very different ways. I can't say that losing their father completely screwed them up or made them sexually active, because it's not true, in their case.
I am raising my daughter without her father because he is a scumbag and has all but abandoned her. Oh, he makes an attempt every so often, but it's not consistent. I don't think it's going to screw her up too badly, because she's used to him not being in her life, and she's very gifted and works hard at many things...she's got her head on straight, and is smart when it comes to how she looks at the male species. She has my dad - a wonderful, loving grandpa - and her two brothers - and although it's too soon to tell, at 11, I am hoping with continued closeness and talking and church and Biblical teaching, she will learn that she doesn't need the attention and physical love from men, in her teens, to feel like a whole person and to be loved. I hope to teach her to protect herself, physically and emotionally, until she's ready to marry the right one, way down the road. We'll see how it goes.
@musicmom60@xanga - You sound like a great mom, and your kids are all blessed to have you. I think that they'll turn out fine
Maybe kids were left untaught what love is when the warm and loving family is not there. Thus they would go search for love on their own, without having the complete picture. It might mean an extra long journey for them.
My 2 cents.
I'm a actually a research assistant for a study on a school-based program for sexual health and "prevention." While we haven't done any real statistical analysis on the data, I can tell you right now that although the father does have a lot of effect on the family, it may be not so much as the impact o the father as much as the lack of communication between parents and children. It shocks me to see that a majority of high schol students report that they never talk to their parents about sex, sexual health, teen pregnancy, etc., and only a minority report their parents approaching them to discuss dating. It seems to me that one of the big issue here is to get parents comfortable to engage in a conversation with their children about a very important subject.
Of course, fathers who are absent or uninvolved (positively) would also not communicate with their children, so I would expect the two to correlate.
I was very sexually active at a very young age (something I regret now because I was not a virgin on my wedding night but I can't go back and change that now). But I can't say that this was due to my relationship with my father. It wasn't even peer pressure or anything to do with what was going on in school. I had a wonderful relationship with my father. I was the kid who really couldn't care less what anyone else thought of me or what anyone else thought I should or shouldn't be doing. I was in and out of church and this wasn't an issue that was ever really discussed in our youth group at church. I was raped at age 13 and then again at age 15 and just decided from that point on that I was NOT going to be in that situation again and that I was going to be in control from then on. So I ultimately just became very addicted to sex and the control/power I felt I had over men. I am so happy to say that God has helped me to overcome this addiction but it was a long road to recovery. So I'd say sometimes life experiences will form our view on this subject.
But today I see so many issues going on with teens.......I am so glad I'm not growing up in today's society. I don't see parents getting as involved with their kids' social lives (keeping check on them) as they were when I was growing up. My kids grumble because they have to be home by 11 when their friends are able to stay out until 2 or 3 or 4am. There are no boundaries being set by parents these days. Prayer and reading God's Word is not a constant in many homes these days. And parents certainly are not discussing sex (and more importantly what God says about the subject) with their kids....they're leaving it up to a school system that would prefer to teach prevention as opposed to abstinence and that is not concerned in any way about what God's Word says about the subject. My teens said abstinence was not even mentioned.....they were focused on prevention with the mindset that "all the kids are going to have sex so why fight it and let's just at least teach them prevention". Abstinence was an afterthought. They were handing out condoms.
I think sex ed starts in the home and if there is a breakdown in the communication and "family unit" for whatever reason our children are not going to get a good foundation set forth for them to build on as they get out on their own.
I would agree that the world is so much more complicated with the internet and naturally children are more curious to sexual relations. Having a good/positive male role model in a girl's life definitely can prevent becoming a statistic.
The same could be said about kids joining gangs, or doing drugs, acting recklessly etc. I think the whole family system is part of the problem, kids want to belong, kids want to be a part of something and sex brings a bond a connection to another person.
I think society is also to blame. Sex is very much an active part of american culture from advertising to movies etc. Kids are like sponges and soak it up.
Then there is the reverse sometimes kids just want to do it. They could have the best dad ever and might still have sex.
I actually didn't think any of your post was "word-vomiting". Your entire post made sense to me.
@WLCALUM@xanga - Thanks
its a messed up world! its the thing in my town right now to be PREG-O! lol! 10 girls that i graduated with are pregnant right now! and when i was in school most of the girls were to! its nuts i tell ya!
I would like to say that my question to God was never "am I screwed up?" (as the title that Revelife gave it indicates) but rather "am I screwed?" which are two COMPLETELY different things. I think that a lot of ppl seem to think that my concern was about being screwed up (and it's easy to see that b/c of the title that Revelife gave it), but that was never the issue for me.
Honestly, I do consider myself screwed up, but I personally consider EVERYONE screwed up...so it's really not that big a deal for me.
You're only screwed if you think you are.
In high school, none of my friends were promiscuous. Two of them was raised by single mothers. Another was raised by her mother because her father was out of the country. I think there's more to becoming sexually active at an early age than having a positive father figure. A lot more.
Thank you for posting this blog. I found it enlightening and interesting. And I do think there is hope!
Lord, what the hell am I doing?
In my opinion, the person who wrote that article has no idea what they're talking about. I'm fatherless, but I'm not promiscuous. There's way more to it then lacking a father figure. It's so easy to blame societal ills on parents or lack of, but in reality, it's not the truth at all. Some of the sluttiest girls have really good relationships with daddy.
I just think it's used as an excuse for poor decisions and promiscuity. "Daddy didn't love me so Joey, Tommy, Tim, and Levi had to."
Great post!
My life was such a huge downer till I went to college. While I was there I prayed and told God that I refused to look for "mr. right" because I was so worried about finding "mr. wrong" along the way. I basically made a deal with God. Told him he'd have to drop the man in my lap and have him break down all of the doors and walls I put up because my of my father and my life.
I met him in college and 3.5 years later, I married him.
September 22nd will be our one year anni.
God has blessed me in that department. I have broken the cycle of abuse my family was plagued with and don't just have a relationship--I have an awesome one! It is everything I could have possibly imagined and more!
My husband is my best friend and he supports me where others have failed so many times before. He is a great male role model to my two little sisters and they are learning to be okay around men and guys because of him.
Like I said. I have been blessed. I am sure that you find the same thing too!
<3
@captain_jaq@xanga - Are you referring to me, or the article that is linked in my post? It really doesn't matter, b/c if you'll CLOSELY read both posts, you'll see that neither of us actually blames teens having sex solely on them not having a father-figure, which you imply that we do.
@Xbeautifully_broken_downX@xanga - That's awesome! Thanks so much for sharing that
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