Wednesday, 10 September 2008
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Using Humor to Deal with a Difficult Situation
by mrs lily
Well, Mr. L and I arrived in North Carolina last Monday afternoon, after a long, delirious drive. Suddenly I am surrounded by familiar streets and faces, yet for so long this area has not been home to me. (more on this later)
Every now and again I mourn the loss of my relationship with my older brother, and being around him is bringing about one of those times. While I don't think he would outright admit that things are not the same between the two of us, it is true that when my brother walked away from the Lord, something severed between us, and it is much more than the fact that he doesn't believe the same things that I believe. It is hard to explain, and yes, I wish it wasn't this way, but I don't know how to repair it.
At any rate, nowadays we joke incessantly. Last night we were doing this and I realized I joke about the fact that he does not like me because I really believe it is true, and I do not know how to deal with it any other way. He makes fun of me and belittles me often, also in a joking manner, and I will reply, "I wish you were a nicer person" or "life would be better if you didn't hate me so much"...as I am writing this I wish so much that I hadn't allowed this to progress to the extent is has, but I know that it is this sort of brush-it-off humor that has allowed me to bear it this long.
Have you ever used humor to deal with a difficult situation? Is this helpful, or do you find it is a way of avoiding the problem rather than dealing with it? What do you think are ways to overcome this?
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Comments (11)
I'm glad you seem to be settling in okay.
I can't think of any times offhand, but a lot of that, I think, is that I tend to avoid the problem completely. Even using humor to deal with it is...well, dealing with it. I tend to push things down over facing them, although I know it isn't healthy.
If you find a way to overcome it, let me know. Maybe it will apply to me, as well!
I just have to say ... that picture is FREAKY!
but I know what you mean Mrs. Lilly, I do that all the time ... so much so that now I have to stop and listen to what I'm saying to be sure that it's not something I really feel ... and I also get paranoid when people say mean things in jest to me ....
Usually I initially will respond to stress with humor or sarcasm...but I always later realize I'm gonna have to take a long shower and deal with the situation.
I use humor a lot because I'm feeling insecure about people's acceptance of me. Working on it.
i usually use sarcasm as my defense mechanism--i'm generally passive agressive, so i know it's my way of avoiding the problem. the thing about problems is that if you don't deal with them, they keep coming back.
Alot of times, as a teacher, I will use humor to diffuse bad behavior in my classroom....it even works with the high school boys' study hall I have. I don't know if it would work with real adults having a serious issue...but sometimes humor does deflect things.
That picture...wow...the little curly haired boy could be my oldest son at that age....
My brother doesn't like me, either. We live 15 minutes apart and I see him maybe twice a year. He and his wife are "too busy" with their kids. (As if I'm not???) I can't bring anything up, even humorously, or he would get offended and avoid things even more. So we have a pleasantly surface relationship, the couple times a year we get together for a birthday or something. Sad.
Did Christ joke?
I wouldn't worry too much about this situation with your brother. If he doesn't let you in for now, that's it. Don't dwell on it overly. There are too many people in need of a Christian face.
Didn't Jesus say something like, "Leave the dead to bury the dead, and follow me." when some fellow wanted to go back and bury his pop? He also said in Luke 14:26 something to the effect of, "Unless you hate your mother, father, brother, sister, [etc.] yes, even your own life, then you cannot be my disciple."
I would worry far more about wasting my time. Um... do you watch early afternoon soap operas? Anything like that? That would be a place to start. I have found that when you really get your life going in Christ, with just about zero "down time," (off duty time"), then others begin to take notice and respect that.
Such devotion to Christ alone really draws people like a powerful magnet. If you embarked on something like that, your brother would know. By then, it would not make that much difference to you, though, as you would be taken up in the love of your devotion, I surmise.
My brother is not a Christ follower by any means, he claims he never will; once Jewish, always Jewish.
He also teases me for phrases such as "Yea God!" and will mock it.
When something comes my way and he is around, he will say, "Just pray about it." in a sarcastic tone or if I get mad and have an outburst of anger, he will say, "Is that what Jesus would do?".
After nearly 20 years of this, I have used it as a conversation to discuss what the bible says or thank him for the insight and let him know, he is right (such as the praying about it part).
My brother is a real estate broker; recently I have been selling my home and having difficulties with my Realtor and had the opportunity to let him know how it feels (or payback evil with evil, my bad). I would jokingly say, you know those real estate agents, just out for money, Real estate agents dont really care, real estate agents dont know how to communicate.. so on and so on...
So yes, sometimes I do use humor with my brother. You have to be able to relate some way.
When I was in High school, my parents answered the call to be Missionaries. Since my sister and I were homeschooled, we went along with hem on most of the support discovery trips. We spent nearly a year all packed into our little Chevy, doing our homework in the back seat, and staying with new strangers at new churches every night. At some point, my sister coined the phrase, "If you don't laugh, you'll go crazy." It's a family mantra now.
And I think it's true! Laughter is a way God gave us to deal with this crazy, weird, disappointing life. Laughter helps us heal form things that are just too hard. Use it if it helps you deal, and who knows, maybe it is helping your brother deal, too. But, don't confuse humour with bitter sarcasm. Often, sarcasm just states what everyone suspects is there, and pretends to be a joke. Make a real joke, laugh with your brother, and let the healing begin!
I went through a similar thing with a member of my extended family. This person would constantly belittle me and make fun of me. It was done as an "in your face" type of thing. I put up with it for a long time. One day something hateful was said by this person and I stopped, looked 'em right in the eye and said, "WOW!"..............long pause........"I can't believe you just said that!" I turned on my heel and walked off and left them to think about what they'd said. Thinly veiled criticism said in a joking manner is the same as a slap in the face to me. By completely turning it around on this person and UNCOVERING their sin, I had caused them to reap the embarrassment of it. The key was saying it, in total shock, walking away and letting the shame be on their heads. When I did that, they suddenly realized that I was through "playing".
It boils down to how much you're willing to take. The snide comments, rude remarks...........all of it is simply hatred and anger directed at you with a thin layer of humor to make it appear as being "ok" with everyone else. When you call them to the carpet on it and stick to your guns they will be forced to look at themselves long and hard. Praying for you!
Yes humor can diffuse the issue. Have you ever considered that your brother really does love you and he just does not know how to express it so he does this hummor that appears to be attacking you with belittling and such. There are a lot of men who do this because they simply do not know how to say that they love you. It has never been taught to them how to express these love/respect emotions especially in words. If they did not value you they would not give you the time of day if you know what I mean. This type of humor is very negetive and distructive. It is the kind of humor that hurts and really is not funny at all and I do not get why they do it except that they just do not know how to express their love for you to you and so they do this ugly type of humor which in the end only makes them look bad and probably feel worse they just do not know how to stop. Have you ever tried telling him how you feel and how his "joking" makes you feel? That might be a place to start. Yes it is true he is not facing his true emotions. My thought would be that if he really did not like or love you he just would not talk to you or give you the time of day. Yes these things are hurtful but they can be worked out with some effort on both sides. Would love to hear how things develop. Remember to go slowly one step at a time and to be persistant. Above all do not push simply present and then allow him to think and then reply back to you. It may take a few days, He may have some feelings towards you that he just is not facing by allowing this type of humor to continue. It is not healthy for either one of you to continue in this way. These are just some thoughts my friend. Relationships are tricky even the family ones or especially the family ones! I'll be praying for you both. Do not be afraid to tell him how it hurt you when he left the faith and to include that God is always there should he make a decission to return. Rember God has not turned from him he has turned from God. So the ball is in his court so to speak. Also, remember that this has nothing to do with you it is just between him and God. Oh and before you do anything pray and let God tell you what you should do as only He knows which way is the best way to go about all of this.