Friday, 05 September 2008
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Five People You Don't Meet in Heaven (and one you might)
by mr willow
Many different people believe that if you are a Christian you will go to heaven... If this is so, that means that Fred Phelps will go to heaven. When you consider that non-Christians don't, that would mean that Phelps would go but not Princess Di and M. Gandhi. Is this fair?
--J. M., on a message board on Facebook
(The scene is congruent to a completely irrelevant small town somewhere in the heartland of whatever country we were talking about. Our protagonist, Mr. Smith, has just met a most unfortunate fate involving a truck, a moped, and a gross miscalculation of the laws of physics. Mr. Smith follows a light to the end of a tunnel and is greeted by a man in fifteenth-century ecclesiastical garb.)
MR. SMITH: Whoa, what happened?
THE MAN: Welcome to heaven, Mr. Smith! My name is…
MR. SMITH: Wait, back up a second. This is heaven? You mean I died?
THE MAN: Quite amusingly, in fact. Everyone does sooner or later; sooner, if I have anything to do with it. As for getting into heaven, though, that’s just for people like you and me.
MR. SMITH: I see. What was your name again?
THE MAN: Tomas de Torquemada, at your service.
MR. SMITH: Really? The Tomas de Torquemada? The Grand Inquisitor of Spain?
TORQUEMADA: The same!
MR. SMITH: Didn’t you spend your life organizing persecution of Jews and anyone who disagreed with you?
TORQUEMADA: (smiling) I see my good reputation precedes me.
MR. SMITH: And you were responsible for the torture and death of hundreds of people on false charges? Or for differences of opinion? Or for political or material gain?
TORQUEMADA: Aw shucks, you’re making me blush.
MR. SMITH: And didn’t I hear that you died of Syphilis?
TORQUEMADA: Hey, let’s not get personal.
MR. SMITH: Well, if you don’t mind my saying so…. How did a person like you wind up in heaven?
TORQUEMADA: (greatly affronted) Why on earth would I not? I’m a Christian, not like any of those heretic scum in hell.
[Long pause]
MR. SMITH: So… You’re saying that as long as a person believes what you believe, they go to heaven?
TORQUEMADA: Naturally.
MR. SMITH: And it doesn’t matter how you live your life?
TORQUEMADA: How else would I end up here?
MR. SMITH: But everyone who disagrees with you…
TORQUEMADA: …My old friend Mr. Lucifer has been putting my inventions to very good use in the other place. Care to see the new ones I’ve been working on?
[Another long pause.]
MR. SMITH: Is there anyone who can give me a second opinion on this place?
A LOUD AND THUNDEROUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Yes! “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.” (Matthew 7:21)
MR. SMITH: I knew it! Get me out of here into the heaven where it matters what you do!
(There is a thin scream from TORQUEMADA as the scene before MR. SMITH fades into a brilliant light. A moment later, the scene readjusts itself to much the same as it was before, except another man is present in the place of the Inquisitor.)
THE MAN: Welcome to heaven, Mr. Smith. I’m Dudley, pleased to meet you.
MR. SMITH: Dudley? I don’t believe I’ve heard of a Dudley.
DUDLEY: Oh come, surely you jest. “St. Dudley Do-Righter-Than-Thou,” that’s my name. You must have heard of me down there. Everyone has.
MR. SMITH: I haven’t had the pleasure.
DUDLEY: (coldly) Well then. Let’s have a look at your report card.
MR. SMITH: My what?
DUDLEY: Your report card! Everyone gets one when they die. Then if your good deeds outweigh your bad, you pass and you get into heaven. If not, well, you know.
(MR. SMITH looks down and finds to his surprise that he is holding a small rectangular piece of white paper.)
MR. SMITH: Well, I’ll be.
DUDLEY: No, you were already. Come on, let me see it!
(He snatches the report card from MR. SMITH and scans it intently.)
DUDLEY: Ah. You pass, but barely. You only got a “Needs Improvement” in Church Attendance. And very poor marks in Tithing. And that’s a positively shameful showing in Deeds of Charity to the Deserving Poor! Tut, tut, Smith. What a pity. If you hadn’t done so well on your Theology final, and managed to only get ten points off for an act of Petty Larceny, I doubt you’d have made it in here at all!
MR. SMITH: (trying madly to grab back his report card) I don’t think that’s any of your business!
DUDLEY: (ignoring him) Now I, on the other hand, was the founder and president of a charitable organization to help poor white children in the suburbs. You should have seen what everyone up here said when I showed them my four major international awards for humanitarian work! Why here, I just happen to have them with me…
MR. SMITH: Is there anyone who can give me a second opinion on this place?
A LOUD AND THUNDEROUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Yes! “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)
MR. SMITH: I knew it! Get me out of here into the heaven where everybody gets in!
(There is a thin scream from DUDLEY as the scene before MR. SMITH fades once again into a brilliant light. A moment later, the scene readjusts itself to much the same as it was before, except three men are standing in front of MR. SMITH.)
FIRST MAN: Welcome to heaven, Mr. Smith! So good to see you here. I’m Herr Hitler.
SECOND MAN: Why hello there. My name’s Nero. Have you seen any good murders lately?
THIRD MAN: James T. Ripper. You can call me Jack.… I say, did somebody say murder? Sounds lovely.
[Long Pause]
MR. SMITH: Do I even need to ask?
A LOUD AND THUNDEROUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Yes!
MR. SMITH: All right, is there anyone who can give me a second opinion on this place?
A LOUD AND THUNDEROUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Yes! “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God?” (1 Corinthians 6:9a)
(Three thin shrieks are heard as HITLER, NERO, and JACK THE RIPPER vanish in puffs of smoke.)
MR. SMITH: O.K., but doesn’t that just put us back in the last “heaven”?
A LOUD AND THUNDEROUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: (continuing) “And such were some of you!” (1 Corinthians 6:10a)
MR. SMITH: “Such”? You mean… the unrighteous people who don’t make it into heaven? You mean I’m like them? Then… what am I doing in heaven? But wait, did you say “were” in the past tense?
A LOUD AND THUNDEROUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: “…but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:10b)
MR. SMITH: So… that’s what gets you into heaven? Knowing that you don’t deserve it, but that Jesus can change that… can change you?
VOICE FROM ABOVE: Can change you. Are you ready?
Do you ever think about what heaven will be like and who you might encounter?
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Comments (57)
Cute story. I think that faith dictates where you go in the afterlife-- whether it be Oneness with the universe, Heaven/Hell, The Elysian Fields, (or where I believe I'll go... Valhalla, and then reincarnation after a period of time)
I have a warrior's spirit. I don't think I'd like Heaven much. And I'm not into the "eternal damnation" thing from Hell, either. The fact of the matter is... people like Nero and Hitler and such serve a good purpose-- they are an earmark as to teach us what NOT to be. And that purpose is a good one, though not particularly in line with what most consider "ethical."
As I've stated, I believe in reincarnation. I think that evil people go into a limbo-like state when they die, their souls forced to contemplate the gravity of its life, and then they get sent back to Earth for a second, third, and hundredth time to become "perfect."
Those who have "perfected" their souls-- Ghandi, Joan of Ark, etc-- get to transcend and meet their deity.
I know a lot of Christians who do nice things to "get into heaven" and isn't that simply a slap in the face to their god, who preaches to do these things for the goodness of them?
What happens to those who don't boast about their deeds, but do them for all the wrong reasons?
@thirst2 - I don't think that Ghandi's work is necessarily less important. He did quite amazing, commendable things. The problem is that Ghandi sinned, by committing moral errors and by not honoring the one true God as God. We, including Ghandi, are all messed-up people. Thus, we have all earned condemnation. We HAVE to have God's forgiveness (which comes through trusting in Jesus). Moral works, no matter how great they are, cannot make up for alienation from God.
You should read Romans 1-3 (and if you do, tell me what you think!) It is a great description of humanity's condition and God's rescue plan.
@Aiyoku_Angel@xanga - "I know a lot of Christians who do nice things to "get into heaven" and isn't that simply a slap in the face to their god, who preaches to do these things for the goodness of them?"
Yep. I think you're right on. Motives are very important. 1 Corinthians 13 says that a person can do all manner of wonderful, sacrificial things (giving all of your wealth to the poor, giving your body to be burned), but without love, it doesn't matter a single tiny bit.
As for thinking heaven won't be very interesting... don't think so! We Christians have often painted a rather tame, boring vision of heaven. The heaven that the Bible describes in the book of Revelation is full of action, including war.
What's your basis for thinking that people can perfect their own souls and then transcend to meet their deity? How is it possible to perfect your own soul? Are all the deities real?
Hell, I'm about the most atheist person I know and even I enjoyed this. I hope other members of the flock take a few pointers on how a sound, entertaining religious opinion ought to read. Nicely done.
Ok, so, to me, you've just demonstrated the LDS system of tiers in heaven. I'm not LDS, but my husband is, so it sounded really familiar.
@xapatotheworld -
Ergo Christians are better than everyone else?
Sorry, but your comment seems to say "I don't starve myself for peace, but I'm Christian, so I'm better."
Mother Theresa was quoted having doubted her religion at one point. What if she actually did? Would that mean she's out there with Ghandi too?
And Mahatma Ghandi did not do "good" works, he did GOOD works. Good is an understatement. Nobel Peace Prize several-time nominee, world-renowned crusader for peace.
Who is anyone to say who is and who isn't going to hell?!
@katethefish@xanga - I'm saying that if Ghandi relies only on the good works he did on earth, then he's not going anywhere but down. Same with Mother Teresa. Same with me. Same with you. I do not think that Christians are any better than anyone else. We are just forgiven.
You're right, we don't know who is getting into heaven and who isn't...but we know the requirements for heaven. And only God knows if a person met those requirements or not. It's just my job to make sure that people know the requirements.
This is really interesting. I'm impressed.
Yes, I think about Heaven. I believe in life after death, I'm just not sure what will follow death. When my Great-Grandmother died, she told us she could see my Great-Grandfather (who had died four years earlier), she said he was grabbing her hand, telling him to come with her. She fought him because her son wasn't there to say goodbye. She lived until her son came home.
A few years ago my cousin's friend died, before he died he said "It's beautiful. I like this place." And he died right after. So I think there's something that happens after dying.
When I think about heaven, I think about seeing the people and pets who have died before me, and I will reunite with those who have passed and have meant something in my life (though different from Mitch Albom's idea. Though I like his too). It will be a reunion, and I will get to meet those who made my life different and better.
I hope it will be nice.
@mbjmom@xanga - Um, no. Hint: My description of what heaven will be like is totally fictional; the description of who gets into heaven is the serious theological statement.
@Ciceros_Assassin@xanga - ::Bows, tips hat, and shakes your hand warmly.::
i've often struggled with the doctrine of Heaven. personally, i think good works matter more than belief, because belief is far too subjective. everyone of every faith (or even those who lack faith) has a moral compass... not everyone feels compelled to believe in a deity, let alone specifically the Christian god. that fact alone tells me what matters more to God. if belief matters more, God seems incredibly superficial and egotistic.
Religion doesn't matter, the only things that matter are if you have faith and believe Jesus is your Savior...
I hope it's not like Mr. Smith's experience. Actually, I wouldn't want to go to "heaven" at all. I wouldn't see a good portion of my ancestors, current family, friends, or pets. That would not be heaven for me.
I would like to meet Jesus, though, and ask him what he thought of so many people turning off their brains in his name. His answer would be very telling.
that was very entertaining (:
well good post! to the 60,000 sinners all I can say is we are a lot more than that thank God I have a relationship with Jesus
@chaoswithashadow@xanga - Interesting, but Jesus had a body after His ressurection. John 21:17 And He ascended into heaven in His body. Acts 1:9-11 And 1 John 3:2 says "... we shall be like him...". The Bible says, "Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does corruption inherit incorruption. Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed-- in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory."
1 Corinthians 15:50-54 (NKJV)It doesn't say "flesh, bone and organs" won't.
Fred Phelps is a cool guy
@thirst2 - good works have nothing to do with salvation. It doesn't matter if you're Ghandi or Princess Di or Mother Theresa. You can live a perfect life, do all the right things, be the most charitable person, never break a law, always give to others .......but if you do not confess Jesus Christ as your Saviour (the only way to the Father is through the Son) then nothing you do matters. It's all for naught. "By grace you have been saved".......salvation = eternity in heaven with God. I am absolutely 100% positive, based on the teachings of the Bible, that the only people in Heaven will be Christians - ie - those who follow Christ and live for Him and confess His Name.
@LadyLibellule@xanga - Amen
Great post,
I pray the message resounds loudly.
x
I wonder what non-Christians would think about this story...?
Inspirational indeed.
@everythingxmadexbeautiful@xanga - Belief in Jesus Christ as the Messiah defines you as a Christian. In this case, belief defines your religion. Religion does matter.
This is very interesting. Yes, i have given thought to it.
@nicolevw@xanga - "I am absolutely 100% positive, based on the
teachings of the Bible, that the only people in Heaven will be
Christians - ie - those who follow Christ and live for Him and confess
His Name."
One book is a lot to stake eternity on, isn't it? How positive are you if you take the Bible out of the equation?
Again, I'm so glad I don't have to spend eternity in heaven. Now I've got an image in my head of all these people in white robes floating in a long line behind some guy with a beard, while the eerie refrain of "Jesus! Jeeeeesus!" echoes through the clouds...