Thursday, 21 August 2008
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Ministry is a Lonely Road
from jadedjanissary
It's been lonely studying for the ministry. It's why I write. 9 years now. That's how long I've been pursuing this. Since I was 17 and God saved me from what I was.
I wasn't much, you know. I was a cutter - I still have the scars on my knuckles and knees to show it. Guess I've got a thing for the letter k. I didn't like myself. I was alone and hurting, and afraid. Some of those things changed. Some of them are different now.
It's loneliness that I battle most. Truth is, I wonder what God calls me to. I think, maybe an evangelist. Not that there's many of those left, these days. But, perhaps God wants that from, for, me. I'm okay with that.
My honest deepest fear is that it means that I'll be alone. Isn't that silly? I am afraid to be alone in service to God? But, it's true. That's what I'm afraid of.
So often, the Lord has put me in a place of so little, and there I was. Wondering. What now? Even as He's fostered new desires, new hopes, and dreams, new power to move forward - even as those are planted to germinate and grow within the soil of my soul, God also takes away. Trims. Prunes. Selectively alters, removes. It's almost surreal, and impossible to describe in any meaningful way to the skeptic other than to say that there in the Fathers hands I am made malleable, transmutable in a new way that I never was before, and feel my heart changed in an instant in such a way that I am unrecognizably different from moments before.
My heart is grown, stretched, broken, sealed, rescusitated, fixed, emboldened, constantly. My mind cannot bear the changes, and yet God ushers me forward with kindness, love, and excitement, like a parent watching their child walk for the first steps. He is my father, and he teaches in incomprehensible ways. I listen as I pray, I pray as I listen, and I am cleansed when I fall in the midst of this incredible experience of existence that faith constitutes.
My fears are bearable only in the light of hope.
I love you Jesus.
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Comments (40)
I know exaclty what you mean - in different relationships I have had i knew that it wasn't right, after I thought this was it. It really sucks because you think you have it and then it's gone.
I can't help but wonder what is next, where am i going. my heart is burdened in not knowing - but at the same time i just wait. In desperation and just holding onto whatever is left I hold on to the knowing and hoping that everything is in His hands.
I find myself these days drifting - not knowing if I really am in His hands - but I know from His truth I am but in my heart I feel so different. I don't know why I am saying this but I am.
I once had passion, and nothing stopped that and now I feel as though I want to be so isolated from everything and especially myself. Not finding peace anywhere but just breaking.
Maybe it is a season - i don't know but i hope it stops soon. I really don't know why I am saying all this - but yeah Jesus is awesome!
It's amazing what God can do with us when we let Him. Very encouraging post. God Bless ;)
i have wondered the same. but i have had moments when i went ahead and followed wherever God wanted me to go. the worst i can handle is being alone.
God will bless you all the way to the end while you obey and listen!! you are doing great. keep the chin up, dont look down or back, thus you will stumble and fall.
hang in there,
In writing this post on being alone... you have reminded me that I am not alone what God is doing with me. Thanks.
My biggest problem is feeling alone and then becoming depressed over it. I've always tried to meditate on God's character, His perfect plan, and of His unconditional love that keeps me from ever being truly alone. Only, I'm a weak human and fall back to old feelings ever once in a while.
One thing I've been struggling with lately is wondering what is in store for me, especially in ministry; I've been very anxious. But this post just set my focus straight; right now I just feel like reading the Word and praising God for His authority and Divine character! Thank you so much for the encouraging post!
I understand that lonliness more than you know, but it's a necessary part of the preparation to be who God calls us to be. We need to learn to take all that we need from God and not other people. It's tough, and not everyone can walk that kind of path, but I suspect that the end is great intimacy with the Father. Bless you on your path, you are not truly alone. There are a few who understand.
God will sustain you. I promise you that. Nope...HE promises you that. Trust in Him and He will be your comfort and your deliverer.
Also, beyond that, you may not be alone. God might be preparing a help-mate for you as you reply to these comments and whatnot. He might not be, but He might. He knows what's best for you and how best to provide for your needs. And we have the Body of Christ...a wonderful community of believers who will never leave you alone when you need co-encouragers. :) Keep going Brother. Keep going! Praying for you!
Jesus Christ is our great high priest who knows exactly what you are
going through. He can sympathize with us, He was tempted like us, yet
without sin. God has promised to never leave us or forsake us. You
can't go anywhere apart from His presence. He is always thinking of you. (e.g.-see Psalm 139).
The temptation for us is to think we are the only one going through a particular experience, but there is nothing new under the sun, there is no temptation as such that is common to man...
Read of Elijah, a man who felt quite alone–to the point of serious depression. It's easy for us to lose perspective. But look how God provides for Elijah physically, spiritually and emotionally. And God also reminds Elijah there are others out there who are faithful to God. One of Satan's favorite tools is to get us to think we are the only one, but that is never the case.
Also, if you don't already do so, please read Christian biography. I think you'll soon see many of the feelings you are having now were shared by the saints throughout the centuries. I'm not minimizing what you are going through by any means, but again I think our tendency is to think "I am alone. I am the only one who's ever gone though this." You will see yourself in the lives of the saints and be encouraged by their example and God's faithfulness in their lives.
God calls us as individuals, but please also remember that God has called out His Church as a people to Himself. I think our western individualism causes us to forget that. Yes, we are called as individuals, yet we are called within the entire Body of Christ. So whatever gift(s) or calling God has given you, be it evangelist, or whatever, God's gifts and callings always function within the Body. Please be sure to continue fellowshipping with believers who can pray for you/feed you/encourage you.
And continue to serve God faithfully where you are now. I think it's too easy for us to look ahead to what God wants to do (after school, after I get older, after ....) and we sometimes miss out on what God is doing and wants to do right now through us today. Always be on the watch for opportunities/open doors.
I do not intend to downplay your feelings of loneliness, but please remember that Christ is sufficient for us and is always there for us in spite of how we are feeling. He never changes despite how we may be feeling.
May God's power, provision, presence and protection and peace be upon you and with you. He reigns!
I'm feeling similar to how you've described your situation. For some reason (I think I know which) He has seen fit to take all my closest friends at least 200 miles away from me. Most recently, He took my closest friend (his wife and my goddaughters, too) away just as my wife (my best friend for life) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The constant whirlwind of activity that ensued until she escaped this planet, I'm still recovering from. And though I have acquaintance friends, I really have no one here to talk with about it. I feel strongly that this is the way He designed it because He believes I'm ready to lean on Him directly and solely.
As far as callings are concerned, I seriously doubt there is such a thing beyond a day to day, even moment by moment calling. The term tendes to put God in a box such that He can't tell you that He'd like you to suddenly go and minister in some other way in some other place.
He trains us daily throught the experiences He puts us through and the converstations we have with Him and those who love Him. He is constantly preparing us for whatever He has planned for us. Its okay - He is in control.
Ministry is a hard path and not everyone can walk it all the way to the end, but we're never alone because God is there with us. Whether we realize it or not, God is there.
Appreciate this post.
It's how I feel too.
Eveyone has taken the words out of my mouth. I can say though, I understand how you feel on so many levels. Even when there are tons of people around me, sometimes I feel so alone personally and in ministry. There are times where so much is changing I just want to run home, hide, and try to avoid it. The unknown future scares me. And as everyone of my friends gets married around, I wonder if God has someone for me to walk through life with.
Just as you said though...as God fills my heart with the dreams He has for me and my ministry...I can't help but be filled with hope and excitment. Longing to take that next step and see what else God has in store. He is my hope, and the reason I take my next step.
Great post, and know you aren't alone out there. Everyone who gets called into ministry, and chooses to take that path goes through it.
God will reward you for your faithfulness. God Bless
Stride on... God is with you in your ministry. At times, we may feel alone, but think positive. God will oversee your dedication and hopes to see you be more closer to Him. God will certainly reward you in your faithfulness. Emmanuel!
You are such a beautiful writer.
I can kind of see what you mean about feeling alone in ministry. While I have not committed my life to ministry (although I spent some time wondering if I was called to youth work), it seems that this fear of loneliness is ever-emerging in my life as a Christian. It seems that the more I dedicate my life to Christ, the more alone I feel in the world today. Christian ideals are no longer popular and are even frowned upon in today's society. I know that setting myself apart is pleasing to God, but I also know that it alienates myself as well.
I am glad that while you still feel lonely from time to time, you can also see how God can fill up and mold you into an amazing and Godly person because you alone are committed to Him alone. =)
That is why we must surround ourselves with People of God we can trust and count on. And when we need it lift us up, in prayer, etc. Hang in there. Be Blessed, Chris
this was a great post.....and I hope in you seeing your comments you realize how you are NOT alone at all in your struggle.
i've been struggling with that recently. since ministry takes a lot of my time as well as working full time and going to school full time, it's hard to find time for personal reasons, esp dating. if i believe God is sovereign, which i do, then, i have no worries; its just sometimes theres doubt. i'm sure you can relate.
The times when I have felt the most loved and surrounded by people who care about me has been when I was actively involved in Missions. I mean, normally I have some people around, but then? i was surrounded.
If God wants to use your life in evangelism, I am sure He will put others alongside you to minister with you. God didn't make us to be alone!
Awesome post ;)
Remember if He has called you to serve Him alone (which you don't know). He will also give the grace for you to not only bear it but to do so joyfully.
I have found that He often calls us to face our greatest fears and walk with them a while. These times are when we learn to really rely on His strength rather than our own. And at times it is a testing period before He gives us the desire of our heart plus more (or something better).
And God said, "It is not meant that Man should be alone. I will make him a help-mate."
Loneliness can be unbearable. What are you doing to get out among people!! I've been there, too. May you no longer be lonely.
Do something so that you are not lonely. Help others. Volunteer. Join a fun class. Go places. Get out and about.
Good luck, darlin' .. Hope you find what you are searching for... people-wise.
Ministy is a lonely road. I remember years ago, a pastor told my dad (before he also became a pastor) that pastors...don't have friends. I guess it's pretty true for evangelists too, but that's just what I thought of when I read this. It's not supposed to be comforting or anything, but, in my experience, it's pretty true.
I'm glad that you have so much faith in God. Keep with that faith.
Blessings =)
lonely, yes, I know what you speak of. I hear you.
Wow, great post! I too am studying for ministry... I'm starting college this next week, majoring in "cultural studies" (a fancy way of saying missions). I know exactly what you mean about feeling alone. It scares me when those old missionary ladies come to speak at my church, because they're ALL single! I don't want to be alone... one of my greatest desires is to be married and have children. I know it's a silly fear, but it's real. I really appreciate this post! =)