Tuesday, 19 August 2008

• Are You "That Christian?"

  from theblackspiderman

  Since the dawn of "Revelife" (btw, Xanga's spellchecker does not recognize that as a word) I realized that there sure are a lot of Christians on here (xanga).

  But wait! Just how Christian are you? Are you a mini Joel Osteen? Or are you just trying to stay awake in church?

  Are you ready to rock with the Revelifers?

  WELL THEN DO THE TEST, YA JESUS FREAK

  Note: you do not actually have to be a Christian to take this test...you might be more Christian than you think!

  Spidey presents: "Are you THAT Christian?"

  +7 You love Ultimate Frisbee
  +4 You go to camp every summer with your church youth group
  
  

  
  Yeah....that's me...the obligatory "funny pose" team camp picture

  ...+3 If your church requires t-shirts over swimsuits and has banned the tank top
  +6 When you first heard of the movie "40 Year-Old Virgin," you immediately thought it was about a guy in your singles ministry at church
  +5 You are, or at some point were all about "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh Harris
  
  

  
  "Wait, we're supposed to hug from the SIDE?!? Let's burn these immediately."

  +5 You love ska music
  ...+5 If you've seen Five Iron Frenzy, the OC Supertones, or the Insyderz in concert
  +3 You know what VeggieTales is
  ...+3 For seeing each one of the feature films
  ...+3 If you know the theme song by heart
  ...+1 for every other song you know from it
  +3 You have a revelife blog
  ...+7 You've been featured on it
  +5 If you've ever had a crush on any Christian rock/pop stars
  +7 If you've ever called P.O.D, Switchfoot, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Evanescence, or Katy Perry sellouts
  +3 For every time you've been to Creation, Purple Door, or Cornerstone
  +5 You think your church's worship leader is as good a guitarist as Jimi Hendrix, or at least that guy from Avenged Sevenfold
  +5 You can't wait to go on church retreats, cause that's where the hottest guys and girls are
  +4 You've drawn on the back of the church announcements
  +3 You have a Bible verse in your e-mail signature
  +5 You have "church jeans" that you only wear to church
  +3 You can clearly indentify the cliques at your church by where they sit (old singles, young singles, rebel teenagers, young marrieds...)
  +3 You've done a "trust walk" or "trust fall"
  +7 You know that playing the guitar will totally score you Christian babes
  +3 You loooove Starbucks (it's the only addiction allowed)
  +6 You weren't allowed to watch shows like Smurfs, Carebears or Thundercats, basically anything with "witchcraft"
  +5 You used to rock a WWJD bracelet
  ...+10 You still do
  +5 If you owned a DC Talk album
  ...+5 If you thought they were the pinnacle of Christian rap
  +4 You only do "side hugs"
  +2 You have some sort of anti-abortion bumper sticker on your car, or a Jesus fish
  +7 You look at your feet when you're on the on the beach, or in the magazine aisle - for fear of stumbling
  +10 You think if anything is not in the Bible, it's completely unacceptable
  +3 You've ever been to vacation bible school
  ...+2 If you call it "VBS"
  ...+5 If it had some theme involving pop culture characters
  
  

  
  "Yeah, a vibranium shield and Spider-sense are cool and all, but I can walk on water."

  +6 In your church, it's rare to see a girl make it to 24 years old without getting married.
  +5 You know someone whose first kiss was on their wedding day
  ...+15 If it was you
  +5 When you wanna kick out the old school "jams" you blast the Michael W. Smith or Carmen
  +3 You were homeschooled or you do homeschooling with your kids
  +6 You never had cable growing up, because your parents deemed TV a bad influence
  +4 You did have cable, but MTV was always banned
  +5 You ever participated in a "Find the Bible verse" race
  +3 You were banned from dating until you were at least 18
  ...+4 You had a secret relationship because of that rule
  ...+5 It was online
  ...+7 You never actually met the person
  ...+20 You moved out to be closer to the person and married them
  +15 You vote republican, no matter whom the candidates are
  +5 You've had an online religious debate
  +6 The only dances you know how to do are the electric slide and the chicken dance, from going to peoples weddings
  +4 You've ever done skits with your youth group
  +4 You ever "remixed" a popular song with Christian lyrics
  +6 You went to a Christian college
  ...+10 if you were a girl who had no intention of finishing, just finding a husband there
  +7 Your church or VBS ever had "the Power Team" come perform
  
  

  
  It doesn't get any cooler than roided-up Christian muscleheads.

  +4 You've ever seen "McGee and Me!"
  +3 You idolized Christian athletes, like Orel Hershiser and Evander Holyfield.
  +2 You still remember the day your father used a swear word in the house...
  +3 Your radio has at least 2 Christian station presets
  +2 You've been driving a mini-van since the age of 25.
  +7 Gossip was actually worse at your church than in your high school
  +4 You ever heard the phrase "keep a Bible distance between you" or "leave room for the Lord" before you went to a dance/prom
  +6 You wear/wore a "True Love Waits" ring
  ...+10 If you still wear it, even if you didn't wait for your true love
  +5 You used to rock out to Psalty the songbook and friends or the Donut Man
  +5 You've never seen a rated 'R' movie
  ...+1 You never saw one until you had moved out of your house
  +5 If you consider most denominations other than yours (whether they be Catholics, Episcopalians, Presbyterians, Pentecostals, or Baptists) not quite as "Christian" as you
  +3 You've started a conversation with someone by asking if they think they're getting into Heaven
  +10 If you are a girl who doesn't own shirts with sleeves shorter than your elbows
  +10 If you are a girl who only shops at Dress Barn
  +4 You have a Christian themed tattoo.
  +3 You have a custom made Bible cover, with either your name or initials engraved in it
  +5 If you are a guy who never asks for a girl's phone number, but only her e-mail address or screen name
  +8 You ever dated someone and called it "courting"
  +10 You think the crusades were TOTALLY justified
  +5 You've ever gotten in an argument about the whole "wives being submissive to their husbands" verses
  +7 You live your life vicariously through your un-churched friends
  +0.5 For every Christian-type group on Facebook you're a part of

  Alright soldiers, break out that built-in calculator with the "tithing" function that's inside your kevlar-wrapped ESV Bible.

  Let's get it cracking like eggs are on the menu.

  0: That Rebellious Kid in Youth Group
  

  
  "Ugh, what is it? Can't you see I'm trying to listen to SlipKnot? You know you're not allowed to talk to me."
  
  Move along, there's nothing to see here. Go back to listening to your Limp Bizkit and dying your hair black, ya heathen.

  1-100: Pastor's Kid
  
  
  Aw, I understand - being a pastor's kid is hard work! You wanna be anti-parents and anti-establishment like your other peers, but it's not so easy when everyone in the church expects you to be the second coming of C.S. Lewis.
  
  Cheer up PK, when you go off to college you can be whoever you want.
  
  101-200: Homeschooling Mom / Christian Athlete
  
  MOM JEANS FTW

  Homeschool Moms and Christian Athletes both appear to be pretty hardcore Christians when they're in the spotlight. No one can know they go to strip clubs with the team...

  ...and the moms watch Sex in the City while they drink wine after the kids go to bed. Shhhhh!

  201-300: Pastor-In-Training
  
  "And God said, 'THOU SHALT RAISE THINE CHILD'S ALLOWANCE!'"

  Oh snap, Holy Roller, you're almost to the ultimate status. You go with your minivan driving, bible-school attending, sound-team working, 15% tithing, Sonic Flood-listening self.

  I bet you even work in Children's ministry, too. You're gonna be a great mom or dad to those 6-12 kids. I'm sure of it.

  301-400: "That Christian"
  

  Wow. Many have tried to reach such heights, and many have failed.

  At this point, you have no problem standing on a table in Burger King with a megaphone, saying - "OH I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE REAL KING!"

  You can sling Bible verses like David slung stones, watch PG-movies all summer long and love it, drink Starbucks coffee like its water, and wear multiple WWJD bracelets at the same time. You even made up your own WWTOTGD bracelets (What Would The Old Testament God Do?) for those days when you just feel like unleashing your own brand of Holy wrath.

  If being a Christian was like Pro Wrestling, you'd pretty much be Hulk Hogan in his prime.

  401+ Pat Robertson's Apprentice
  
  "You know I'm rockin like a Grandma's house chair! And these foos think I'm playin'!"

  Uh oh. Now you may have gone too far. I'm gonna have to get together some people and start praying for you, because you're starting to scare me.
  
  Add them scores up! And tell me...what did I leave off the list?
  
  p.s. This list is based off purely personal experience.

  p.p.s. My own score is probably over 100

  And props to Eadie for help with this list.

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