Tuesday, 12 August 2008
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Breaking Up With Church
from saintvi
This morning I told a friend on Xanga how long it took me to get over a broken relationship: A year to admit that not ALL men are pigs and another year before I could trust enough to risk commitment again. Church relationships are much the same. We "broke up" with our church at the end of last year. The emotional pain feels very similar to the pain of that old broken engagement from my far away youth. The sense of betrayal and the grieving is much worse. I think I trusted "the church" to be better than it was. To be more loving and caring and understanding. To be patient with me as I grieved my father's death. I placed too much faith in the people of the church. I forgot that the church is made up of people with their own sins and problems and agendas.
Eight months later, I still don't feel like going to church on Sunday morning, but I usually get up and drag my reluctant body there anyway, if only to prove to myself that not ALL churches are pigs. For now, I slip into a back pew, listen to the sermon, then slip out with the least amount of human contact possible. I'm not ready to get to know these people and get involved in their lives and in the church. I'm not ready to trust enough to risk that kind of commitment again just yet. Maybe someday.
While I grieve and attempt to heal, God sends me reminders that He is loving, caring, understanding, patient and above all faithful. Today my soul was comforted with dynamic cloud formations against a deep blue backdrop. I felt closer to God looking at the sky on the drive home from church than I did during the service.
Is it a bad thing that I feel closer to God when I separate Him from church? How have you dealt with the way a church has disappointed you?
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Comments (46)
No, it's not a bad thing. But the Bible is very clear on the importence of fellowship of believers. I believe that you can take all the time you need to feel ready, but the longer you wait, the more you might be missing out on some great friendships. It's possible to hang out with people, but to not spill every secret to them. Remebering that people are people, and everyone is bound to hurt us at least once is importent. God is the only one that will never hurt us.
However, I would try to start hanging out with people. You don't need to open your heart up yet, but at least put yourself out there a little bit by bit. I know God will slowly begin to heal your heart as you learn to trust again.
wow ::points above:: that's really good advice. I was going to say the same thing, but of course not as eloquently.
I did the same thing last October. I am finding it very difficult to get back into the swing of things.
I have read some good books that have helped.
When Bad Christians happen to Good People
Healing Spiritual Abuse- Ken Blue
I think like everything else we need to grieve and heal and there doesn't seem to be a time limit set down in the bible for that.
x
I agree with sarahsD (above).
It seems to me that it is better to take your time and ease yourself in once again instead of jumping in when you aren't ready and potentially getting burned once again. It sounds like you are open to the possibility of healing which is the most important thing (versus shutting yourself off completely and never going again). You'll know when you're ready.
For now, I like how you are looking for God in the small things and appreciating what comes. I particularly love your cloud picture. Good luck in your quest, not everyone's journey needs to be the same.
I had a horrible experience with a church just two years after I became saved. Our pastor had been engaging in some questionable activities, and so rather than have a seperate meeting to discuss these issues and confront him, the church as a whole decided to start a bashing session on the pastor instead of having our normal Sunday night service! I remember they said we were going to take a vote as to whether we would have this business meeting, or a regular worship service; yet, when my friends and I raised our hands, they quickly skimmed over us, making up some ridiculous rule for the bylaws, stating that "members under 18 can't vote." It was then I realized people I hadn't seen in months had come to the church that night, specifically to do nothing less than crucify our pastor.
It was a very hard experience. But I never once blamed people I encountered in other churches. Maybe that's because I had a set of friends that left that church and went with me, which made it easier to transition. I understand it would be really hard to trust people in other churches, or even the church as a whole, given how you have been hurt. And it makes it harder, because if you're like me, it might've taken you awhile to even find a church body that you became close to.
I guess something's really sank in with me recently. No matter what, everyone that is present in your life will, at some point, hurt you. Yes, degrees of hurt make some hurt easier to deal with than others (forgetting an important, planned outting vs. a deeper degree of betrayel) but EVERYONE will hurt us.
Yes, that is a bleak perception, but it also lowers out expectations of people, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It gives us the ability to bestow the grace and mercy that God gives us everyday of our lives. His mercies are new every morning, as should ours be, to a certain extent.
I don't think not going to church altogether is the answer. We are encouraged to fellowship with other believers. I know it wasn't the answer for me, even though I was very hurt and disillusioned by my experience. Because, if you are visiting a Bible-believing church, they share scripture, and we all need to hear scripture. I would encourage you to begin to develop faith that God knows your vulnerable position right now, and to begin to pray that in making yourself vulnerable by going to church, God will, in a sense, bless you for it. I believe our God is an understanding God who will help you through this difficult process, especially at times when it seems the hardest.
I hope this helped some.
It's normal to feel that way when grieving, you tend to pull yourself away from people. I'm sure God won't mind, after all, you found yourself closer to Him away from church. I'm pretty sure He would smile upon you. =]
We need to always be reminded that we are still in this chaotic world. I really believe there's no perfect church as there's no perfect Christians, everyone of us is under grace. One could be a church hopper but he/she will never find a perfect church. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with that church. I hope God will heal the pain, it's only in God's hands we feel total comfort, not from anybody or any church.
In my case, I've decided to try another church because I felt I'm not growing for 10 years I've attended there.
I am not at all suprised that you find yourself closer to God outside of church. Something has happened in the modern church culture (maybe it has happened in other times as well)--'religion' and church activity and 'doing' church get in the way. It's like we all start doing church in order to feel that our salvation is secure, and in the flurry of small group meetings and worship meetings and volunteer work we never really settle down and get to hear God speaking to us. There's always an agenda by the leadership or a social agenda from the members or something inferior distracting us and, can I say, leading us astray.
I think it is good that you are taking this time to get grounded before heading back into the fray again. The church needs spiritually connected people to help them stay focussed on God, not on 'doing church'.
It's been about a yr since we left our church also..a half yr after my 16 yr old sister was killed...maybe our grieving gives us less endurance to deal with the petty issues of church problems? The sky/clouds still make me feel close to God....
God deals with our hurts when we forgive those who have hurt us. It's His way of doing things.
You, and all the people who believe, ARE the church. It is not just the place to go.
i was a youth leader for 2 years, and was told people didn't want me around their kids (after 2 years) because of my illness. it took me 3 years and a failed relationship to want to go back to a church.
I think you said it in your post, the church is made up of people that are broken too. I have found if you rely on the church as a whole then you will be disappointed everytime. I attended a church that boasts a regular weekend attendance of about 16,000 people. In that place you couldn't make those deeper relationships, which for a year I stood on the outside, but then I got involved in a small group and then the word church really started to make sense. When I had troubles my small group was there, when good things happened they were there too. I think that's the real meaning of church, not the building and the sermons you hear each sunday, its the deeper relationships you make at that building that make up the church. I hope that you can find that kind of relationship at your new church. I know it hurts when you go through that breakup, but don't give up on every church fellowship.
I think that true spirituality must arise from within your own soul-searching, not from others. Church is important for a sense of community, support network, etc., but ultimately, your faith is a PERSONAL thing and should stay that way. I wouldn't worry too much about the church thing. Try to get more comfortable talking to people, because that's the whole point of church. To me, the sermons aren't really all that important, unless you simply don't make the time for bible study and small bible study groups to discuss what you've learned through your reading.
I do the exact same at church.
I'm just disconnected from the people.
They're all sports, and I'm all art and video games.
But also, I had a problem with the groups during certain times...we'll say that I read my Bible a little more than they did.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I personally feel that sermons are important, somewhat. The minister at my congregation does a very good job on new and interesting ways to look at stories in the Bible.
But, to each their own.
No, I don't think so. I separated God from church, and I have a wonderful relationship with Him. If you aren't happy at the church...leave. That's what I did.
What is important is God, church is body of Christ there to help us, but church is under spiritual attack, of course, Satan would love to get people hurt in Church, then have us blame it on God, and then leave... he loves it more when we blame God for all of it... and strip us away from all the spiritual support we get.
People get hurt in church, sometimes God allows that because He wants us to grow... where else do we learn forgiveness, tenderness, love without one another? He would never give us more than what we can take, it is our responsibility to respond to the environment He allowed in the right way.
Sometimes I get hurt too.. by people's words, I get offended, but then I realized that when one's eyes are filled with His glory and love, nothing else matters... I have seen people who serve others and forgive and forget and always just always in the Lord no matter what... i admire them... and wish that one day I will be just like them. I would one day take no harm by people's rejection, but consumed by God's love, alone!
God bless you =)
I don't know of any verse in the new testament that tells you to go to church, and there are several that tell you religion and prayer are to be private matters.
I think churches are a terrible relic left over from the bronze age when there weren't enough bibles to go around, so one person had to interpret for many. Now we don't have that problem, but because that system gave terrible power to religious organizations, it's going to be in place for a long, long time.
Don't go to church if you don't want to. I don't see any reason you should. A lot of "private" christians who read the bible on their own and discuss it with others usually have much more nuanced, informed theologies anyway.
@missymoo630@xanga - Great thoughts. Church life is far from easy.
And, frankly, church life can get pretty be ugly. Look at the NT epistles
and Jesus' words reminding us to love and forbear and forgive and serve
one another. This does not come as a surprise to God. Today's Church is experiencing nothing new today than it did almost 2000 years ago. That's why we need to keep looking to the Bible for instruction to walk in unity as one Body.
We can't give up on the concept of the Church, because the Church herself is the Body of Christ. The Church is an organism. We are all joined to Him by faith and by His Spirit. Jesus Himself
is the head of the Church and we are members of the Body. How do you think Jesus feels when we separate ourselves from our brothers and sisters in Christ?
Sadly, there are some who have hijacked the church, so many churches more resemble organizations or businesses than the living, breathing organism God intended.
@agnophilo@xanga - Here is one command to meet regularly with believers: Hebrews 10:24-25 tells us: And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but
encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Also check out the end of Acts 2. The Church met daily. They wanted to meet with each other.
If we're in God's family, we will want to meet with other believers, even though we may have had past hurts, etc.
When we're born into the same family, we should want to spend time with others in that family.
Think of it this way:
When we don't meet with other believers, we're saying to God, I don't like Your children.
When we don't meet with other believers, we're saying to Jesus, I don't like Your brothers and sisters...that's very humbling.
As @missymoo630@xanga wrote our past hurts are used by God to grow us.
That is when we need to cling to promises like Romans 8:28: God working ALL things for our good, even in the worst.
God places us in the Body as He wills. He has a particular place for each one of us. We can't say we don't need one another. (See I Cor 12-14.)
When we don't meet regularly as a part of a Body of believers, we don't have opportunity to use the gifts God has given us to build up the Body. The Body is missing out and you are not able to steward the gift(s) God has given you. Who are we to refuse to be a part of Christ's Body? How can we do that if we are disconnected from one another and don't bother to meet regularly with other Christians? Of course, we have to note that in between the chapters on spiritual gifts, we find the great love chapter, I Cor 13, yet another evidence that God knew life in the Body would be a challenge.
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 1:1-6.
Satan does all he can do keep us disenchanted about the church one way or another. We need to fight our desire to check-out.
We are part of the Body of Christ, there are no solo Christians. God
created us for community just as the Father, Son and Spirit are a community.
If anyone says, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother. Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him. 2 By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. 3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. I John 4:20-5:3.
saintvi: Church has disappointed me and will continue to do so only because the church is made up of saved sinners (including me). None of us are going to be perfect. We are going to mess up and sin. That's the one certainty about church life. We are going to offend others and be offended, but I know God still wants me involved in a local Body. That said, I'm still slowly getting my feet wet in a church since we left our old church about a year ago...
God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. Praying you'll be able to discern the place in the Body He has for you where you can love and serve Him and love and serve the Body with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
Peace in Christ,
Karen
I don't think it is a bad thing at all. I admittedly haven't been to church in years because I just don't connect with it, after growing up in the church. When I went to Church I had a tendency to hit cruise control and just coast along; unmotivated thinking that I knew enough.
Also I felt the church frowning upon me in different ways. I'm a gamer, goth, and like darker things [vampires, etc]. I’ve read the Harry Potter and enjoy them. A lot of people didn’t feel that I should like such things and how sinful it is; thus I started to feel shunned by the people who should have been accepting of me. Also as I got older and became aware of the politics of the church I became really disillusioned. So I broke up with the church, even though I went to a Christian college going to chapel a few times a week.
Since I left the church people have tried to tell me that there is something that I am missing by not going to church. I worship, in a variety of different ways. I fellowship with our Christians, even though it's just my friends and roommate. Most of the best conversations I've had are late night discussions with friends. I also read my bible more often that I ever did before, journaling and working through what I read. I feel a lot closer to God and feel more motivated to try and reach him. So now away form the church I am seeking him more than ever. A friend and I talking one night actually have an idea to start a mission to reach out to those shunned by the church, taking in the outcasts and misfits like us.
So I don’t think it’s a bad thing to break up with the church. I won’t say it’s for everyone but I know for me it works. And maybe someday I will go back to church, but for now I’m fine without it.
I usually don't comment when I read blogs, but felt that I should make an exception this time. This is also a good reminder for me, as I struggle with feeling like I am not welcomed at my church.
If we all dwell on our feelings that the church isn't what we want it to be: supportive, loving, understanding, etc. then who is going to act upon living it out when we're all focused on ourselves?
Ephesians 4:1-6
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is ONE body and ONE Spirit—just as you were called to ONE hope when you were called— 5ONE Lord, ONE faith, ONE baptism; 6ONE God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
It's not just a matter of opinion or what we feel like. We have a high calling to be perfected in unity; with humility, gentleness (meekness), patience, and tolerance--which is bearing with each one's weaknesses--to one another in love. Loving people means that we have to get into people's lives, and we in turn will also be loved.
Hebrews 10:23-25
23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let
us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but
let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day
approaching.
Meeting together in small groups or Bible studies allow us to encourage one another through love and good deeds.
It is good that you recognize God's power through His creation, but do not let that alone be the source of feeling close to Him. We need to remember to take up our cross daily and follow Him first.
@naphtali_deer@xanga - The bible says to meet and have fellowship with other believers. Where does it say you need a church to do that? Or that a priest should lecture everyone?
How much fellowship do you get in most churches?
I don't trust anyone in any church anywhere. Simple as that.
i've been there before saintvi. and i can truly relate.
personally, i don't think the way you're handling your situation is wrong. in fact, i applaud you for it.
after awhile, the whole acting the weirdest in front of the congregation to show that you're the holiest fool for Christ gets super stale. not to mention the highbrow frowns of legalistic elitists who think that they're too Godly to talk in a down-to-earth manner.
yes, we're all human and none of us are perfect. but does that give those guilty of the above license to treat non-conformists like fecal matter?
no. no. and again i say no!
it gets old after awhile -- and one can't blame a person for not wanting to interact with the willing participants of those pompous, pretentious charades.
thank the Lord that not every Christian acts in such a manner, but unfortunately, a large number of them do.
i can see why people get turned off by Christianity.
You're in a relationship with so many more than one other person when you join a church....