Tuesday, 05 August 2008

• My Weekend at the Emergency Room

  by miss poppy

  

  
  Psalm 30:5 weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

  This past weekend was one of those Job weekends. First, Satan threw mental struggles at me. I've always been very obsessive, and for years I've had trouble separating my obsessions from God's voice. Satan chose to exploit this issue. I clung to my assurance of God's love with bloody fingernails. But Satan didn't win. There's no way. God's done far too much for me. He sent me someone to help, and it was resolved.

  Then, as I was going to bed the same night, I suddenly got uncontrollable shaking chills that lasted for at least 20 minutes. Now, I've been sick a lot and in and out of the hospital many times, so a lot of things don't freak me out any more. But my body shaking so hard I was having trouble breathing? That freaked me out a bit. I got on the phone with my parents, who prayed with me and tried to keep me calm. It seemed like whenever I recited the 23rd Psalm, the chills would stop for a few seconds.

  Finally, the chills stopped when I went outside into the steamy Florida night. I was so sick to my stomach that I couldn't keep down anything I had eaten recently. My mom drove me home (I had been dog sitting), and on the way I started to feel hot instead of cold.

  At home, my fever was sky high. I relaxed on the couch, waiting for my mom to be ready to drive me to the ER. When I stood up, my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out. My mom called the paramedics. The firefighters measured my heart rate at 156, but it had been higher when I was standing. My mom ended up taking me to the ER after the paramedics made sure I made it to the car ok.

  And then the miracles started.

  First, there was NO ONE in the ER waiting room. Now, I have been to the ER many times, and I have never seen that happen before, and this was a Friday night. In fact, a nurse told us they had been busy right before that.

  Second, we found out I really needed to be there. I realize that doesn't sound like much of a miracle, but I had thought that all my symptoms were caused by dehydration. I felt like it was my fault. But my blood work showed an infection somewhere in my body that was causing my high fever. If we hadn't gone when we did, something worse could have happened as a result of the infection.

  Third, I got to wear my own clothes. Again, I realize this won't sound big to most people, but for someone who has been in the hospital a ton of times, hospital gowns get depressing. I really don't know why, but no one ever told me to change. I wore my own pajamas the whole time I was in.

  Fourth, it took me one day to get better. I had a night in the ER and then a ] day of horrendous fevers and nausea, and the next day was a complete reversal. I was allowed to get off my IV drip, and when my doctor came, he let me go home.

  Fifth, the doctor I saw is not my normal one, but it was an amazing blessing. He had an idea for treating my Crohn's that my regular doctor has not considered. It's something I am much more comfortable with doing than the treatment my other doctor was pushing me to take.

  Sixth, today God is very present to me. I don't know why, but while I was in the hospital, I had trouble sensing His presence. Maybe I was too out of it mentally or still recovering from my confusion of the other day, but I was still clinging to faith without a lot of assurance. Or maybe He was allowing my faith to be tested and strengthened by remembering He was there even if I didn't feel Him tangibly. But this morning I feel Him here with me, like a warm blanket, comforting me and bringing me peace at the core of my being.

  I know that Satan does not like the spiritual victories I have had lately. I sense that he is trying in every way to derail my path. The other day a verse came to mind:  Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. (Luke 22:31) I feel a little bit like that. But I also see God's hand, working on my behalf and bringing good out of every struggle. Through my mental struggles I have learned to discern what is and is not God's voice. Through my physical struggle I was able to get treatment for a problem I didn't know I had. I also learned about a treatment option I was unaware of for my illness. And God even gave me the comfort of being able to wear my own clothes in the hospital, a reminder that He cares about my smallest and most personal needs and preferences.

  All that, and He loves to be with me, too? How could I not have faith in a God like that? I do not know what else Satan may throw at me, but I know who holds the future, and I know who holds my hand.

  Have you felt God's presence during an illness? What happened? 

   

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