Thursday, 31 July 2008
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Advice Needed: In Love With Bible Study Leader
We receive quite a few messages from people asking for help with certain issues, and oftentimes, we're not sure how to relate or answer the person's question - which is where you guys come in! Starting today, we'll put up an advice post every Thursday, where we'll feature a reader's problem and leave it open for you guys to offer your two cents. Please feel free to message us here for advice! It can be about anything from parents, to keeping up with devotionals, to unwanted suitors, to difficulty praying without falling asleep. Don't worry, we'll keep you anonymous 
One of our readers wrote,
After avoiding church for about a year, I decided to recommit myself and have found a church I really love. I started attending their Bible study and weekly worship sessions and it's really helped me grow a lot - however, my Bible study leader and I have been getting really close and I think there's something going on between us. We haven't talked about it, but we spend a lot of time together, and even when we're out with other people, there's this attraction there that's really hard to ignore.
I'm not sure if we'll act on our feelings, and I don't know if it's appropriate for me to go out with this person and compromise the leadership of the group (there are about 8 of us in it.) What should I do? I have tried praying that those feelings will go away, but they just won't...or maybe I should spend less time with this person...and I don't want to switch churches either............HELP!!!
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Comments (25)
I would suggest getting another leader such as your pastors ( Hubby & Wife) in on the situation. If you are both single then there shouldn't be a problem unless the pastors see a problem... Their advise is better because they know you both.
I would find a new Bible study group, particularly if there's more than one within the church, and then pursue the relationship with him.
@Made2sing4Jesus@xanga - It's a good point that the pastor (if it's a small church) probably understands the situation much better!
Assuming that neither you or the Bible study leader is married, and all other things being equal, if you feel strongly enough about it, I would let this person know.
The problem is that if you focus too much on him and on that which is unresolved, you will most certainly not get what you need to get out of your small group. I am glad that you are attending church and a small group, and I can guarantee that you will continue to grow closer to God and the people in your small group, so keep doing what you're doing there.
But I would definitely recommend just talking about it. Whether it goes anywhere or not, at least it has a chance for a resolution.
Just my thoughts!
SEC
well... depending on the gender of the leader... i am assuming that it's a male leader and this person is female... with which i say, "So what is this that we have going on? I'm confused and I really want you to do something..." which i think it alright in a sense... just don't pursue him...
and keep things pure... let the group be your accountability... but in this, let your group tell you what needs to be done and heard for the sake of righteousness and holiness.... and God's glory... and knowing God, He'll do what is needed to bring you 2 together... just keep praying and asking and beseeching God for help, clarity, and timing... He will
Is there any way that you can switch Bible study groups? I know at least in the church I attend, there are 4-5 different ones to choose from depending on your schedule/personal preferences, and since you JUST joined, it shouldn't be a big deal for you to switch.
I personally think it's a little weird for a Bible study/small group leader to be dating one of the people within the group, but it's totally cool if two people within the greater fellowship group date. Maybe talk it over with someone you trust won't spread gossip...but if you stay in this group long enough and you guys' feelings become more apparent to the others in the group, i'm sure a lot of gossip WILL be spread....gl with everything!
I agree with both of the above answers. Tell your pastor or your pastors wife how you feel (assuming you have a close relationship with them) and ask for advice. There is nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship with this person, but it may change the dynamic of the bible study so it might be a good idea to find another one. however if you can respect his leadership even while pursuing a relationship with him, and compartmentalize so you behave like everyone else to him during bible study, even that isnt a big deal.
Maybe God brought you to this church at this time for a reason! Pray for guidance and ask God if this is something from Him!
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - very true & in that case if it's large church, there is usually a leader of some kind, such as a co pastor, that probably knows you both.
i don't think there's generally anything wrong with dating your bible study leader. but if you've been spending time with him (i'm just assuming it's a guy and you're a girl?), and you think something is up, then why hasn't he said anything to you?
if you feel strongly that there is something more than a friendship going on, then i would bring it up and give him an opportunity to move forward on it. i'm not an advocate of women pursuing men, but if a friendship is moving into uncharted territory, i think it's fine for a woman to say, "hey... so where is this friendship going?" and then leave it for the guy to respond appropriately.
if you're a guy and the leader's a girl, and you really like her - then go for it!
in either case, make sure you're both mature enough to be in a relationship, or least date casually without getting too attached too soon.
Talk to the pastor
And/or find another study group within the church...this might sound excessively conservative, but in my experience, same-sex Bible study groups tend to be easier to focus in and allow you to speak more freely about struggles you're having...that's not to say co-ed groups are bad...on the contrary, but there are pros and cons to both, and if you feel like your attraction to the leader is getting in the way of your learning about God, then I'd recommend trying it if possible.
Instead of praying for God to remove the feelings, try praying for insight into what God wants for your life. Having a relationship isn't inherently a bad thing, and Church/Bible studies are a great place to meet fellow believers....
And last, but certainly not least, after doing the above things, TALK TO YOUR LEADER! Tell him/her how you feel. see what s/he thinks the best course of action is.
There's my two cents....redundant as they may have been.
hope it helps
I see no problem with this mainly because naturally men are attracted to women and women are attracted to men (still haven't figured this one out, God's second greatest miracle lol). That said, it's paramount that both of you keep your main focus on God and want he wants out of each of you. Naturally, as each of you grow closer to God, you will grow closer to each other. Then you will be able to discern whether or not a relationship of this kind is a wise thing. If you do decide to get involved, I would recommend finding a married couple (yes, married...not just dating) to mentor, teach, and counsel yall. This couple will also serve as an accountability partner to keep things on the straight and narrow and focused on God (but you must be truthful!).
The only question I have is, how old are you?
There are so many undefined things going on here... How old you are, how old he is (like everyone else I'm assuming that the leader is a "he" and the one seeking advice is a "she"), how long you've known each other, whether you're sure the feeling is mutual, what the group setting is like... It's totally a great idea to ask your pastor for advice.
I would say one thing, though. Not knowing the situation beyond a few vague basics, I don't know if this applies to you, but if it does, I hope you can hear me.
If you are a girl attracted to this authority-figure man in a Biblical setting because you have a father-shaped hole in your heart, I would seriously suggest backing off. I've just seen it happen a lot--girls who don't have a great dad look for great guys to fill that hole. It's not a law, just a tendency. If this is you, pray hard. Get to know God as Father before getting serious with ANY guy. (heck, that goes for all of us!)
Just a random precaution.
~Victoria
If you are both single and about the same age, I say you should feel free to make your feelings known. Honesty is always best.. and if he feels the same then great - you can stay there or go to another group, I dont think it matters either way... but if he feels differently you might want to join another group to avoid the awkwardness factor. You could still be friends (however you both would define that), but that would be awkward for everyone in the group, you, and the leader.
As a single guy who is 25 and a minister I promise you that being a single minister is tough.. and in all relationships honesty is better than doubt and playing games or having drama... sooo much better!
* this makes me think: one thing this blog would need is some generic background information. is the poster female/male.. in issues like this you need not know thier age necessarily... but if they are close in years or far apart. I think some generic or even some specific details that do not give the identity away will help, not hurt this thing.. and it will save room so people dont all post asking (the same) questions about the person they are giving advice too.
see my weblog: "are you in love?" maybe it'll help w/ perspective...
How will going out with this person possibly compromise the leadership of the group? Many couples start out this way.
How old are you and how old is the leader?
My mom met my dad at a Bible study that he was leading. Of course it took them a few years to get together. So, take it slow but best of luck to you!
As long as the dynamic and the atmosphere of the Bible study group haven't been changed because of you two's relationship, you don't need to do anything but just follow your feelings. Otherwise, you should find a new Bible study group or a new church.
I do agree that this may be Him to bring you to this group.
So just pray for it and let Him to guide you the way.
Bless you!!
I would suggest talking to someone in the Church who knows both of you and whom you trust and respect about this and get more direct advice from them.
I see no problem with talking to the leader about your feelings though. The two of you can then talk about things and decide whether or not it would be best for you to switch groups or if you can make it work being in the same bible study.
I say go for it, you don't have to be afraid.
The attraction itself isn't bad, I mean, God didn't make men and women so they would ignore romantic feelings now did he? Actually dating him might cause awkwardness with the others in the Bible Study group, but if you enjoy each other's company then that's okay! Hang out if you want. Just don't take it too fat. Switching churches and/or Bible Study groups I think is just absurd.
If he's like 10 years older than you and/or married, that could be a problem though...
Is either one of you married? Either one underage? If no to both, I fail to see an issue.
@adventure_coach@xanga - @ScottEmerson@xanga - @haemina@xanga - @Doubledb@xanga - @Pass_the_Aura@xanga - Amen!
Whatever you do, don't switch groups, and don't sweep the issue under the carpet. I've learned through some hard expereinces, ans am still learning that sweeping issues under the rug can be very very dangerous.
I think when you are really trying to know God, Satan will throw in random distractions. The could very well be it.
Good luck!
It would be best to talk to your pastor, but if you find that difficult, I would suggest waiting til the Bible study group is completed for the year (I'm assuming you have a different group each year?) and talk to the leader.
In the end... it could just be miscommunication where they are just trying to care for you and it is misinterpreted, and Satan using that to divide your group and your heart