Thursday, 24 July 2008
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Christians With Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
by miss poppy
I am obsessive-compulsive. I used to think I was a "little bit" OCD until I started reading up on it and realized how many of the symptoms I have. I am no Adrian Monk, the practically disabled main character of the USA drama "Monk," but I do have a fair share of my mental energy taken up by strange, obsessive thoughts that circle like a broken record and get worse the more I try to banish them.I have finger tics and counting rituals and odd ways to breathe. I hate to touch certain things because they seem contaminated. I feel guilty when I throw useless things away. Sometimes I will check things, like door locks, repeatedly after I have completed a task. Often, I find myself doing these things without even thinking. If I stop myself consciously, I feel a strange sense of doom.
When I was younger, these things were even worse because I did not understand where they came from. I would have "bad" thoughts and feel like I must be horribly wicked. I thought God must be so angry with me. My first conscious memories of being OCD are from when I was in kindergarten. I really disliked school, and I filled my days by escaping into a private world of numbers and taking a certain number of steps up the stairs and not stepping on sidewalk cracks. I felt less out of control that way.
It continued throughout my life, punctuated by intense episodes during which I felt crazy/evil/unsaved, but also filled with the day-to-day drudgery of symmetry, even numbers, and physical tics. My most outward issue is hoarding because classifying and throwing things away are so hard for me.
Which brings me to today. It has been a few months since I've had a really bad episode. When I have them, I no longer feel like God hates me. I know a little about where they're from, although sometimes they seem so overwhelming that they still suck me in. I thought that as I worked through my spiritual/emotional issues, my OCD would improve, but this has not necessarily been the case. Some days it actually seems worse. I find myself doing ritual after ritual quickly, nervously, without even thinking about what I'm doing. And they calm me down. I know that I do more of them when I'm feeling nervous or anxious or in an unknown situation. Even though I'm growing in my ability to experience God's presence and peace, this issue has not gone.
OCD brains seem to work differently than normal brains. Thoughts get stuck, and the effect is like a mental hiccup that won't go away. Also, the signal in the brain that distinguishes between thinking about an action and actually doing that action is messed up. So, an OCD person who thinks about committing a horrible act will actually feel the same way he would if he had committed it. The undeserved guilt is sometimes overwhelming.
The thing is, there's no cure for OCD. There are anti-anxiety medicines that help people cope, and there is behavioral therapy that helps to change the rituals, but there is no cure for the thoughts. Though there are biological elements, OCD is generally "set off" by a traumatic event (in my case, I am guessing going to kindergarten) and then develops in people whose brains were already predisposed to it. I have often wished that OCD would fade along with other issues I've had, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's not that I can't cope. I don't think you would be able to tell that I have OCD even if you knew me for quite a while, but it's there, and it drives me nuts at times.
Can God heal me? Of course. But I wonder about what I'm actually needing healing for. Is OCD really physical? Is it spiritual? Where does it really come from? I've dealt with depression, and in my case, it's been very hard and taken a long time, but the solution has been intensely spiritual. In the case of OCD, much of what I do is hardly even conscious, but it keeps up a running thread of unpleasantness and anxiety in my mind. I don't believe this is God's best, but what I can't quite figure out is whether OCD is another emotional/spiritual issue to work through or whether it's a physical brain problem that I need to wait for healing from. Or is it both? Or is it something I will carry until I die, a "thorn in my flesh" that will not stop this side of heaven? I don't want to take medicine, and I'm thankful that I'm a functional person, but I don't want to be in bondage to something this ridiculous, something that inhibits the abundant life God wants me to have.
As a Christian, have you had experience with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? What do you believe about it or other mental issues seen from a Christian perspective?
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Comments (33)
It's funny that you use the character Adrian Monk as a reference. When me and my ex-wife started watching the show, she and I both joked that I had Monkish tendencies...
I don't know what to say right now because I'm pretty much overwhelmed with your "confession". I've oftened felt like this civil war raging inside of me, trying to get my thoughts into proper actions...your words kinda gave me an outside voice of what I feel sometimes. I thought it was just me...that there was something wrong me.
I would go back and forth pleading with God to fix me, to heal me, to save me, to forgive me, and to change me. The whole time I thought I just was being rebellious or just not doing right. Why can't I do what I know I should be doing. It was as if the gun sounded, but I couldn't get up and run...frozen in the starting block.
I've never doubted my salvation, but I did think it was a spiritual problem, thinking I wasn't doing enough of the right things. Escaping into the imagination because the effort it took to move forward was really hard.
I can understand a cause being a traumatic experience or something, for when you look at the basic behaviors...I think these are mechanisms to exert some control in your life when you're surrounded by chaos.
Interesting...
And yeah...I really hate hate hate hate that "stuck" feeling... I'm in one right now...
Thanks for sharing.
@Viktorious1@xanga - No problem :) I think more of us deal with this than we realize. I do know God loves us regardless and that He sympathizes in the hard times.
It is true that the less anxiety I have, the better I am. I do believe that if I let Christ's peace take me over, I will get better, even if it is a physical response to chaos. After all, perfect love casts out all fear.
It is physical--know that-- and you should read Passing for Normal by Amy Wilensky.
I have several of the odd rituals, and some of the mental anguish, but after discussing it in psych classes, and doing enough research, I think I have more of a Mild-compulsive disorder, and it is not at the level of obsession. Still, I haven't experienced any truly traumatic events (unless you believe the liberals about that whole birth thing... I think I'd be more traumatized by being held captive in the womb than coming out...), so it's certainly possible that I could develop OCD, and I have... let's see... 3 friends who are diagnosed OCD, and probably a few more that should be.
I think Mental disorders, like physical sickness, are an unfortunate result of the fall. They may be caused by demons, just as with physical illness(Job), but more often than not they are just a result of poor wiring or unfortunate circumstances. I'm not in agreement with my classmates who say every mental disorder is a demon tormenting you, nor do I think that's never the case. If there are medicines that will treat a disorder, and they don't have neurotic side-effects of their own, I would say you're probably better off taking those than visiting an exorcist. same goes for therapy. But in the end, someone with a mental disorder is no more or less a person than someone without one, and we need to love all of them equally.
@Viktorious1@xanga - I just have to say I love your Churchill avatar pic :)
@Pickwick12@xanga - Thank you, Churchill's one of my heroes
@Viktorious1@xanga - Me too. Totally off-topic, but I went to the underground war rooms and Churchill museum in London last year.
This is sooo funny. I saw this blog title without even looking for it in my xanga home. I have suffered from OCD for several years. It has really been a battle and has - to human eyes - set me back in life quite a bit. I am fighting it tooth and nail, though. I will say that a support system in this is vital. I'm the type that just wants to withdraw and not show anybody what is going on and just deal with it myself, but that almost killed me and I had nowhere to turn. Eventually I had to swallow my pride move back in with my parents to get it straightened out because I was just about gone. I do not regret going to doctors AT ALL for this. They have been a Godsend and the medications really do help you get back on the right track. When your body is weak, Satan really can get a foothold and that is not what you need to give him. Throw off everything that hinders you and if that means you need meds, and people to watch you, GET THEM. You may find that after awhile, you will only need a little bit of help just for maintenance but don't let yourself get to the point where you're just about drowned. Don't try to tough it out on your own. It doesn't work and only gets you deeper in the hole. Right now, I'm starting to get back on my feet and more able to handle life on my own and ACTUALLY be okay without having to hide behind that facade that everything's fine when it's really falling apart. I really hope you will take the help God has provided sufferers of OCD and not try to buy into the false idea that you just need to be more "spiritual" and "mystical" about it all. It has been a humbling and life changing experience for me.
@KArTIEj@xanga - That's where I'm at now...having withdrawn from friends and family...trying to battle this alone..sometimes it's hard to ask for help....
@Pickwick12@xanga - Oh wow, that's great! I will go there someday and see it all. Years back I had the chance to visit Dresden...back then, there was still some residue from the bombing raids...
@KArTIEj@xanga - Thank you. I'm glad you're doing better.
I would never tell you or someone else not to take meds, but I don't think that is what God is leading me to do right now. Since I wrote this post, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I've never been able to really trust God. As He helps me learn to rest in Him and really trust Him, I am finding that my anxiety is reduced.
In the last few days, my OCD symptoms have gone down massively without any effort from me. It's not that I don't think my OCD is physical; I believe it definitely is. But what triggers it in my case is anxiety. When I am totally at peace, it disappears. Without the trigger of anxiety, I don't have the obsessions or compulsions. I believe that God is leading me to continue on this same road of learning to rest in His peace more and more. It's not that I've arrived yet, but I believe that as I learn to rest in Him, my issues will continue to dissolve.
I am open to Him leading me differently, and if He shows me that medicine is the right route, I will certainly take it.
I struggle with this slightly. In my heart, I feel that it's a matter of having control over things. When I feel out of control is when I begin to get obsessive about little things like double checking a door lock multiple times or having to have all of the monopoly money facing the same direction or desperately needing a pile of papers to be in PERFECT order before I can walk away from it. For me personally, it is a matter of letting God be in control. When He is in control of my life, I lose these obsessive feelings. That's the key for me, though probably not for everyone else.
Being Christian and OCD is no different than being Jewish and OCD. Nobody is perfect and aren't we created just as God would have us be? God doesn't make mistakes, so everyone who has this quirk has it for a reason. Embrace it, and try to manage it, but don't let it make you think less of yourself or that you love God less than the next Christian.
I totally understand how you feel. I have ADD. I have never, nor will I ever be able to sit still and meditate or pray for more than 5 minutes. It won't happen. But people used to try to make me feel like I was a lesser Christian than them, because I don't "be still and know that he's God".
But then I realized that thoughts are just thoughts, and have no power other than the power we give them. So my distractability? It's okay. Instead of trying to change the way I was made, I accepted it, and am now able to mold my life and habits around my ADD. I am a much more effective person because of it.
Thank you so much for writing this post; it means a lot to me. I share your pain, and I know how lonely it can be.
I've known I had this particularly distinctive OCD since elementary school. Before my family knew what it was, my parents would get SO mad at my behavior, and I didn't know why they were angry, or why I couldn't stop.
I've known that I have it, but I've never actually looked it up myself, I've just been told by counsellors. So I never knew that all the random thought patterns came with it. Honestly -- I thought I was just insane. That is not a good feeling.
I haven't thought about this much from a Christian point of view. The thoughts I've experienced didn't seem wicked to me, just crazy. I didn't question God because I have OCD. I've come to accept it as the obstacle I've been assigned. I think everyone has something in their life to overcome or deal with, and a lot of people ask, "Why me?" I'm determined not to have that attitude. I just deal with it, even though it sucks.
Thanks again, I can't express with words how much it means for me to read your words and know I'm not alone, and to know that I haven't completely lost my mind ;) God bless you!
@Anonymous - No, you're not alone, And God loves you every moment you deal with this. I believe He wants to give you great peace as you trust Him. And you're welcome :)
@misspoppy - Didn't necessarily mean to try to convince you the meds are for you at this point... my anxiety really got out of control and messed my body up and not only affected me but everyone else and limited my ability to live life to the fullest. Maybe not the case for you? Definitely do however you feel the Lord is leading you... :)
@Viktorious1@xanga - yes, it can get dangerous at that point.
@KArTIEj@xanga - Nothing you said bothered me. I just wanted to let you know where I'm coming from. I was blessed to never have the anxiety get quite that severe, though it does seem to have been linked with my Crohn's Disease to some extent. Actually, the disease forced me to move home and rest a lot, which helped me to avoid more aggressive anxiety or OCD treatment.
@misspoppy - I was in a 12-Step group for a while. One time in group I commented about how, for as long as I could remember, there always had been a song running through my head, and I would tap it out with my fingers. As I was talking, I looked around the room and saw startled expressions of recognition from a lot of the other guys.
The disappearance of the song (and the tapping) was a milestone in my recovery. Peace. Security.
Now when I'm stressed, which is much less frequently, I mumble under my breath in tongues. It's an expression of dependence on God and doesn't feel anything like the finger-tapping and mental music of before. It provides me peace and clarity of mind instead of just vague soothing. It isn't endless like the song was.
And I know after that last remark, some of the people who read this are going to think, "Whoa, he's still got a problem...." Bless their hearts.
Just a little side-note on medication with OCD. Because OCD is hardwired into your brain (like you said, it's not learned and you can't cure it. it's part of your innate personality) you have to take far more medication than you would for other anxiety disorders or depression. They usually try to work you up to the max prescription. They do an intense bout of medication and therapy then take you slowly off the drugs in hopes that it'll "reset" your thought process. If that fails, the other option is they'll put you on a lower dose of medication for the rest of your life.
Some people have had great success with medication. Others (like me) find it to be an altogether unpleasant and unnecessary experience.
@Roadkill_Spatula@xanga - That is a great point! I had not thought of doing that! Now, with the mental energy I used to spend on my obsessions, I can pray in the Spirit. Thank you for saying that.
I suffer from OCD too. Don't take meds as I seem to be functioning well enough.
It's definetly a thorn in the flesh as it causes my mind to entertain horrible thoughts that cripple the soul and harm the physical body.
I pray for relief, but yet it remains. Thankfully, I have an awesome family and a few good friends. Moreover, it always feels good to know that you're not the only one who is fighting this sickness.
God's will be done. *sigh*
a few things, firstly, I must get this off my chest, this is a public service announcement. No one IS OCD, people HAVE it. if you were OCD, then someone who has OCD would have you, bucause you are Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OK< so that's dealt with.
secondly, I can't say either way whether you have OCD or not, but I would warn against self diagnosis. Reading through a psych book is similar to reading a horoscope, it can apply to about anyone. It requires real training to properly diagnose. I may be wrong about that, but I know that's often the case with self-diagnosis.
also beware making defeating OCD the goal of your life, don't make it some sort of mountain that must be climbed before you can live.
I have a few of those habits you mentioned. I've never even thought about getting them healed. I've just always seen them as part of who I am. They dont really bother me..
@Roadkill_Spatula@xanga - Yeah, I went through something similar to that one before. It ended up becoming part of my OCD too. I got to where I pasted Bible verses all over the place wherever I went (even in the shower with index cards that I had lamenated) and made sure I memorized them to keep "evil" from getting my mind. I got to where I had to hull up in my room and read my Bible everytime I ran into something I thought was an evil influence on me. I found out that is also a common compulsion and they call it "religiousity" ... this happens in people who are sincere in their faith and also people who do not know the Lord. It's strange but that can also be an imbalanced ritual that is not necessarily spirit led but OCD led. I hate to say it... And some people are going to be so mad at this post, I know... but go look it up. It's weird. Just trying to be an eye opener. So many people have very little understanding about this illness and those who have it really need to be aware and not be blinded.