Tuesday, 22 July 2008
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Weirdest Christian Alternatives to Secular Products
by miss marigold
If my post about Christian t-shirt slogans didn't make it clear enough, I'm not a huge fan of blatantly Christian products simply because the overall tacky factor elicits more LOLs than "Praise Jesus"-es.Sure, there are a few quality clothing items here and there, but for every sensibly-designed hoodie are ten JesUSAsaves: One nation under God shirts. A little googling revealed, to my horror, that Christian culture's infiltrated not only the fashion industry, but the gaming world, the realm of manga (Japanese comics), and the body-building enterprise, among other things.
You won't catch me spending money on these Christian alternatives anytime soon, but in the meantime...Did you know that there's a Christian version of:
Dance Dance Revolution: Ironically enough, dancing was banned in my Christian high school, but I suppose this would have taught me the skills that I so desperately lack now that I'm in college and free to enjoy nights out on the town...
Driving School: Prayer probably would have helped me learn how to parallel park.
Makeup: Here we have the Fruit of the Spirit Lipgloss in grape-flavored joy (grapes = wine = drunkennes = happiness? SCANDAL) and apple-flavored self-control (yeah, yeah, forbidden fruit....)
Computer solitaire: Object: match the verse fragments. I can't lie, this would be a pretty effective aid to scripture memorization, but then again, so would cracking open my Bible more often....
Manga: Resident bad girl, Serenity, shakes up her high school with hijinks like accidentally letting her pet tarantula, Tinkerbell, loose in the halls. Enter the Christians, who turn this blue-haired babe into their project for redemption. I should mention that their methods include blackmailing her into attending a prayer group.
Hair Salon: [insert customary Samson and Delilah joke] But really, it'd be great if someone let me know why this is really necessary.
Gym: Only the power of Christ could compel me to actually finish a cardio workout.
Kids' Armor of God pajamas: For when the monsters under the bed won't go away...?
Plastic Sword: Is there a light saber version available?
Nightclub: I wonder how this works - what music do they play? Is it open to only Christians? What do you drink? What do you wear? Can the guys still shamelessly mack on the ladies? I'm trying to envision this as something really hip and cool, but I can't shake off the image of myself sipping Capri-Sun in a martini glass while popping to "Blessed Be Your Name."
Boatride Party: Wanted: YouTube video demonstrating what "Rippin the Runway in HD 'Holy Discretion'" actually entails.
Yoga: Thanks, but I think Christ preferred pilates.
Superhero other than Jesus: Judging by the cover, it's apparent that the Fibbler's first lie is that Christians have no sense of humor.
Would you buy/use these things? What do you think of Christian alternatives?
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Comments (111)
That is probably one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen. I mean, c'mon! That's so lame, it deserves a rec.
But I would totally buy the light sabre, if they came out with one...
/rofl
I never thought I would see the words "Christian nightclub" in the same sentence. Oy vey.
I have heard of the Christian DDR, though....
Yoga: Thanks, but I think Christ preferred pilates!
LOLZ!
Okay, Bibleman was awesome when I was like 5, and I totally would've worn those PJs cuz they came with a shield pillow. I don't really have a problem with Biblically based novelties for kids, whatever gets them excited about the Bible is okay with me- provided it's not immoral. But seriously, Christian Yoga? If it's anything like Holistic Christian Medicine or Christian Mortgage companies (you missed those two, btw), they just charge more so you can have something with the Jesus stamp on it.
Oh, and Christian clubs can be kinda cool, provided they aren't just regular clubs that play Christian pop music...
Well, since you asked, I think you need to keep your opinions to yourself.
Just what the world needs: more Christians bitching about Christians . . . and about something superficial, no less.
Christian DDR? I can't play regular DDR, but maybe if there's a Jesus fish on the dance pad, my moves might be better...
LOL, just kidding! Pretty funny stuff, though. My younger brotehr used to love Bibleman. I was always a Veggie Tales kind of girl, myself. :D
HAHAHAH CHRISTIAN CLUBB. lol
lol these were...interesting. definitely sparked a laugh out of me though. the pajamas...i think thats taking it a little too far people. and the night club, just cant wrap my head around that one. i remember the superhero though!
@SwordAndSacrifice@xanga - geez talk about rude. and hypocritical. telling someone to keep their opinions to themselves when you did not.
keep it cute, or put it on mute =]
Some of these products are really lame. I've seen a few of these things at my local Christian bookstore.
As far as the Christian club, I have been to one for a concert. They serve smoothies and bar snacks. They have church there on Sunday mornings as well. It's just down the street from a couple of well-known strip clubs and a porn store. (No, I'm truly not kidding).
A christian nightclub, good. It seems like there is a support for a false dichotomy, like Christians are supposed to keep it to their selves while everyone else flaunts it.
It is like any other marketed items, there is a lot of merchandise I don't buy because I do not want it, but if someone wants to buy a corny tshirt and wear it or buy a comic book -hopefully you get the idea...so be it.
Christians are to invade all aspects of culture-they are corny Christians and geeky Christians that will wear and buy corny and geeky merchandise. I thank God they know the Lord, I could care less about what they wear, but God forbid I would mention a body piercing or a tattoo, eh?
I hope Christians who are called to invade an aspect of culture do it to the glory of God and give it their all, Romans 14 tells me not to sweat it.
Haha. Oh, the poor religion... does it have no dignity?
Anything to make a buck, I guess, and gullible people will buy it.
But the nightclub thing might not be such a bad idea, depending on how it plays out.
I would not buy any of them. To me they are just signs that some Christians have really gone off the deep end in their holier than thou quest and someone, I don't know if they are Christians or not, have a bit of a greed problem.
@pinksunfiredragon - now there is a good example. I do not frequent Christian bookstores . But many Christians do. I dont go to the dollar stores to buy those kind of trinkets either. But friends of mine go to both types. I smile that I have saved the money, they smile they are able to buy what they want.
I really like the idea of the Christian nightclub in a porn strip with sunday morning church. We have a restaurant that just went under next to the bike bar...hmmm....our Christian teenagers hangout is kind of overpacked. Thanks for mentioning that.
@mrcolorful@xanga -
Both of us agree that there is quite a bit we would most likely not buy. But with that said, let me provoke some thought on this:
Is a Christians wages capped in the marketplace? If I am self employed and make 200k am I greedy? Or if I am self employed and make 15k am I stupid? How does selling a Christian item make that person greedy? How would wearing a Christian tshirt make someone holier than thou?
All of those "seem" to be judging intent of the person and not the act itself.
I dislike them a lot. I'm not christian or anything, but I really don't mind if you're expressing yourself, I'm totally be up for discussing with my Christian friends why they believe in God and Jesus. Things like this though make me, as a non-christian, feel like an outsider and like Christianity is this exclusive club and all of those things are exclusive merchandise.
I'm not that qualified to answer this......since I break bricks, rip phone books and bend steel for Jesus. And No I'm not joking.
I don't think ALL of the products are bad. Â Some of them are a bit much, but I can see how some things like manga books and yoga tapes could be useful.
@ProvokingThought@xanga - A Christian's wages are not capped in the marketplace and it is somewhat judgmental. However, in my experience most Christian themed products are priced somewhat higher than the basic items that they are copies of.
As for the holier than thou statement, I made that because I don't know what other reasoning would possess someone to spend extra money for a Christian themed product unless they are trying to prove to someone how seriously they take themselves and God which in my opinion is a holier than thou attitude.
Ugh. Can't we be original in any way? Be the originators not the imitators of anything?
I totally would have worn those PJs as a kid! That was actually the one item on the list that I saw and thought I wouldn't be mortified to have in my house. The only other thing that seems reasonable is the yoga. I know several people who would like to get into it for the exercise aspect, but just don't feel right about the spiritual undertone it entails. But the "Christoga" name has got to go...
Haha, I actually have seen a Bibleman video.. It was so lame it was funny. They kept intentionally throwing cliches in.. :P
Haha. A lot of these are funny. I like the idea fo a CHristian nightclub because they'll actually play appropriate music. I had Jesus chapstick once: 'Restored lips to near virgin quality!' but that was just a spoof thing. But I agree with you when you say most of these aren't necessary.
@mrcolorful@xanga - Yes, they are higher priced arent they? I had thought the same about people who wear the shirts frankly, until someone I know wore them to strike up conversation. having the other person say something to him first.
I am really pretty neutral on the subject. Thanks for the discourse!!
@ProvokingThought@xanga - No problem. I had not heard of that use of wearing one of the shirts but I guess it makes sense.