Monday, 21 July 2008
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How God Used My Chronic Illness
by miss poppy 
When I first got sick, I was on my way - on my way to college, success, and fulfilling my dreams. I knew God had called me to live for Him, and I believed that He wanted me to work as hard as possible to reach the highest pinnacle of achievement. Then I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Months passed in a blur of machines and drugs. I spent days at home unsure of my future. Life changed its direction and things would never be the same for me.I felt derailed, deflated, and useless, insecure about my place in life or my value as a human being. For so long I had measured my self-worth in my accomplishments that I found myself drifting on a sea of doubts about my identity and my worth now that I could no longer perform or excel. The support of family and friends, while encouraging, was not nearly enough to stem the tide of inner agony, which hurt even more than the physical discomfort. Clearly, God’s will was not to heal me right away (thus allowing me to renew my quest for success), so what did He want from me? How could I, an invalid at such a young age, possibly please the God of the universe?
Finally, my depression led me to seek the face of the God I was sure I could never please. I began to pour my soul's worth of pain, anger and confusion to Him.
I can tell you today that I did not find answers. Angels did not whisper the reasons for my suffering or reveal my life's path. I never had dreams and visions of my future. Instead, God gave me something infinitely better.
He gave me Himself.
From the first moment that I truly became honest with Him, He poured His love into me in ways I had never imagined. My days alone became times of refreshing in His presence. His tenderness overwhelmed me over and over, and I fell in love with Him like never before. In my brokenness, I felt His arms wrap around me, and the excruciating pain disappeared in His embrace.
The most important thing I learned is that God is my ultimate pursuit. Ambition, potential, and accomplishment are only valuable if they are encountered on the path toward deeper relationship with Him.
Today, my life is not focused on wishing for the health that hasn’t come or the life I lived before. The days of sickness have all been worth it, every single one, because they have been the teachers that led me to the arms of God.
I do not know if God will heal me or not, but I do know one thing: His presence will always be with me. I am immeasurably grateful for the time my illness has given me to seek His face and for the knowledge that no accomplishment is important in itself when compared with the pursuit of relationship with Him.
As David said, “You are my portion, O Lord” (Psalm 119: 57).
Because the Lord is my portion, I do not have to worry about the future, whether I will be well enough to fulfill all of my dreams or go all of the places I aspire to go. Instead, I can live every single day in the comfort and knowledge that I am accomplishing the most important task a person could ever do: I am loving God, and in so doing, I am learning to know Him better.
And I quote,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” I thank God daily for my weakness because through it I have learned to truly know His strength.
Has God ever used your weaknesses for something good?
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Comments (12)
One of the greatest times of growth for me was after a bad breakup when I was 19. I had been in a very serious, long-term relationship and when it was over I was completely devastated. But God really came through in my pain and comforted me on a level I had never experienced before. It was then that I truly learned to rely on Him.
Thank you. Excellent post.
Wow... it's like I'm reading the story of my own journey expressed more beautifully than I ever could, except for me it's chronic pain and I am still able to go to college, even though a lot of my days are blurred by meds... when I think of the incredible tenderness of my God that I experience every day, the question "how can a good God let you suffer like this," becomes irrelevant, it would make more sense to ask, "how can a good God let so many people not suffer and miss out on the experience to know Him this way?" Hang in there, keep pressing on to know Him, keep your hope in His unfailing love, and remember Isaiah 40:26, knowing that He who calls each star by name will never forget you, never overlook you.
This is beautiful, and very encouraging to me. I have not been diagnosed with anything, but I struggle with pain every day that never seems to get any better. I used to do ten times what I do today, and not being able to do those things sometimes causes some serious doubts in my self-worth. Thank you for sharing this.
Have you ever heard of Joni Eareckson Tada? She's a Christian lady that was paralyzed in a diving accident. She has a Christian website and ministry for the disabled. It's - http://www.joniandfriends.org/about_joni.php
you have a great testimony. i'm so glad that you drew closer to God in your hardship instead of pulling away.
how wonderful!! i'm so thankful for that. :D very encouraging.
@ocelot61@xanga - I completely agree. We can literally count it all joy because of what God has given us through it. He deserves the glory!
excellent testimony.
Reading your testimony and that of a few of the other commenters is humbling (@ocelot61@xanga , @quiet_strength ). I don't have chronic pain such as you the others do, though my mother does and I'm constantly amazed at her strength in how she handles it.
My neighbor asked me that question, "if God really loves them, why does he allow them to continue living in such pain?" I didn't have an answer other than the "fallen-world" reply, but I quoted Job, after his children and servants and herds were all lost and his body was racked by horrible disease: he said to one of his friends in that state, "Whether in this body or without it, I shall see my Lord."
I told him that certain people such as my mother and yourselves have such faith in and love for God that they se the brief time of physical pain here as nothing compared to the eternity they will spend with him in paradise.
Did I get it right?
@ocelot61@xanga - "how can a good God let so many people not suffer and miss out on the experience to know Him this way?"
You worded your thoughts very well, also, including your above response to "how can a good God..."
God does work mysteriously. You shared well. I remember a minister friend of mine, who was in a small charismatic denomination that believed faith healing was a sign of your belief. well, he became ill. He became paralyzed. God told him, he had a choice. God could heal my friend, or he could use the infirmity for His purpose. My friend chose to be used. Amazing person.
And no, he didn't go on to found a world class church, of hundreds of thousands of congregants. But he is a world class person, and I think the healings that continue are often unseen, and in the heart.