Friday, 18 July 2008
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Men and Women Are Not Wired For Platonic Friendship
Way back during my early college years, I had the mentality that guys and girls could be platonic friends. I believed that guys and girls could hold the same friendships that girls do with girls or guys with guys. I even got into an argument about it with this guy I knew who was studying to be a pastor.Then one day I woke up and realized, "Guys and girls can't be friends!"
I suddenly viewed all my previous "guy friends" as acquaintances, and not people who I would consider to be my friends. You see, I concluded that it is near-impossible for a guy and a girl to be friends without either person developing romantic feelings. All this time, I had defended so fiercely the idea that my guy friends were really just that: guy friends. Now when I looked at them, I didn't see friends because I was thinking about my future husband and one day having to explain to him that all these guys were my friends and we could hang out without him worrying about us hitting on each other. I felt like I'd been so naive as to think that two people of the opposite sex could be good friends.
Think about telling your (future) spouse, "Dear, me and *blank* are just friends. We're not going to do anything behind your back. He's just a friend!" I think if my husband were to one day turn around and say, "*Blank female* and I are just friends going out for drinks," I'd be pretty upset.
My point is, there is a reason why God created man and woman. He didn't say, "Man, here's a woman so you can be just friends." I'm pretty sure it was more to the tune of "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." -Genesis 2:24.
Did God create us so we can really be just friends - no attraction or romantic feelings? When it comes down to it, isn't it safer to say that guys and girls can't be "just friends?"
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Comments (187)
I disagree with that sentiment. I have more male friends than female friends because females are just...weird. I am not attracted to every male on the planet, I am only attracted to a few. I have been friends with guys who aren't my type but are great to hang around with. And they weren't attracted to me, either. Sure, we weren't created to just be friends. I'll buy that. But most people aren't attracted to every member of the opposite sex that they meet and get to know. I don't really think about gender in friendships, just if they are interesting. And I think most people are only capable of being attracted to a certain number of people at once.
Yes, sometimes other things do develop from friendships, but not always. I have become attracted to male friends before. But that is more the exception than the rule for me. If my future husband has female friends, I'm cool with it and expect him to be cool with it if I have male friends. It's only a problem if you start sharing with one of your friends more than with your spouse.
Not wired to have a platonic relationship? So god hardwired us to have sex with every single person of the opposite sex that we meet?
I call bogus on that one, and this post in general.
Ever since I was in Kindergarten, I've had more guy friends then girl friends, just in the fact that I was somewhat of a tomboy. To this day, I have guy friends that I can go to and talk to that are only, and will only, be my friends, my brothers in Christ. I do believe that God created men and women different, but I think it's so that we can balance each other out, whether it be in romantic situations or in friendships. Guys can be the strength that a girl may need in certain situations, while girls can bring a little sensitivity to a guy's life, especially in times when he wants to express his feelings but may not know how to. I think we live in a world now where men and women are starting to share a lot more things in common--more women are interested in sports and video games, guys are starting to cook and clean a lot more. Our roles are beginning to combine, which means our interests are combining, which makes friendships between the opposite gender a lot easier then years before.
i think the main thing is that once you know all those guys (or girls) so well, I mean, you're friends and all, you get to know what exactly it is that draws people to them and what makes them so great. you have to focus on the other things to really focus on friends. I have a friend who wanted to be more than friends, and i could hardly wrap my head around that. but then he knew that it would never work out...i think you really have to think about how you want to be with them as yuo get to know them. i know people who become friends with the opposite sex just to date them. and thats fine, cause you sort of have to be friends too. i think sometimes people go after the friendship in hopes of something more developing, but sometimes it just... happens. nothing can really be said for it, but i find guys way easier to be friends with than girls. i have two friends that are girls. i mean, real friends. i probably have more girl "acquaintances" but way more guy friends. less drama. less cattiness. guys can punch each other and then shake hands and get over it. girls dont give it up.
i think the platonic bit of the relationship has to be a factor, but it also has to do with how you see the other person. i have a friend, who is a guy, who i talk to for hours every night. i talk to him about practically everything and he does the same to me. although he was the one who wanted to be more than friends, so maybe there's something to be said for that. but i think more than the romantic bit of the relationship (or for me, at least) it's the possessive bit. you dont want anyone to hurt your best friends, it would basically break your heart. i think it can most definately be done, even in marriage. I know a woman who's better hanging out with guys, and she ran the poker night while her husband was out. When she was gone, her husband ran the bunko with the women. So maybe if one hangs out with the opposite sex it only works if both do. i like guys better than girls anyways, though. and i cant help but think thats affecting my decision here...
<3 wallflower
Haha. I think it is totally possible for a woman and man to be really good friends with nothing sexual or romantic going on, but they both probably thought about it at some point. XD My best friend has a good guy friend that she hangs out with all the time, and she says she even forgets he's a guy so she almost changed her shirt with him in the room befor she was like.. ACK wait a sec! I've had guy friends that I could talk about ANYthing with and that was nice to get their perspective. In my experience then, men were more open and "real" than women who had to put on a front so I wouldn't think badly of them instead of saying what is really on their mind.
wow. well this gives me a lot to say :) i do not entirely disagree. ive heard many theories and i, like everyone else have my own as well. i do think it is possible for a guy and a girl to be just friends, but i do believe that at one point, either the guy or the girl was attracted to the other in some way. thats how it begins, one has to see something in the other to want to be "friends." but at the same time, how close is too close? that is a whole other discussion in itself. when you start a relationship, you are making a promise to that person and only to them. you are promising to stay true to them. so while having your guy friends/girl friends, you in a way (i think) should and probably would begin to distance yourself from those guy/girl friends just a little because there is another guy/girl more important than the other ones in your life now. i think its fair to say that most guys and girls are not okay with their boyfriend/girlfriend having a best friend of the opposite sex who is almost if not closer with them than you are. jealousy can come as a form of flattery. you want them to yourself you know? most people dont like sharing their boyfriend/girlfriend with another girl or guy. so all i am saying is its hard to maintain a relationship and keep the best guy/girl friends as well, but i do think it is possible. it also can depend on the people as well. ive recently had to deal with my best guy friend getting a girlfriend, and hes distanced himself from me a lot unfortunately, but at the same time i have to be okay with that. i realize now that i should back up a little too because i know his girlfriend deserves his full attention. it hurts that we arent as close, but i feel this is how things have to be. its complicated sometimes. <3
"Can't" is too strong a word.
I agree it's more difficult than same-sex friendships...but that doesn't mean impossible.
we CAN have opposite-sex friendships...it's a little more complicated at times, sure, but it's certainly POSSIBLE and has been done.
My best friend in the entire world- apart from my wife- is a girl. We quite literally know everything about one another. In fact, she's coming down next week and spending a few days in our house. Neither of us has ever felt anything beyond a friendship towards the other. So yes, I'd say it's definitely an achievable thing. But I know a lot of people who claim friendship and desire more, so it may not be as common as is perceived.
This is complete and utter bullshit, plain and simple. Maybe you can't have friendships with men, but most of my best friends are men. You will never have the same types of friendships with guys as you do with girls, sure. But I prefer the types of friendships that I have with guys. In general, they are more caring, more reasonable, less emotional-train-wreck, funnier, less bitchy/whiny/catty, and much more like me! (I'm pretty male-brained.) I have had many close male friends, and only very occasionally had issues with sexual tension. Once, I liked one of my guy friends for about a week, but that didn't change our friendship at all. One of my guy friends liked me for a bit, but I made it clear that I was in a relationship and not interested, and he moved on within a month or so. Those are the only two instances I could think of, in 5+ years of being really close with lots of guys all the time.
My guy friends are not acquaintances, and they're not romantic interests. They're friends. I go to my friend Steven's house every time I'm back in my hometown. We go swimming, watch movies, and eat, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes in his empty house. I have never had any sort of sexual/romantic feelings towards him. I guess it helps that he's gay (not that you'd condone that!) but I also have very close straight male friends. It's completely wrong to say they're just "acquaintances."
I'm in a long-term relationship right now, and my boyfriend absolutely doesn't care that many of my friends happen to be male. Similarly, many of his close friends are female, and I don't mind at all. We trust each other. I would hope that ANY other relationship I would have would be that way. Living in a marriage in which I felt compelled to justify my actions and friendships to my husband? That would be prison.
I think a guy and a girl can be just friends. Hopefully once a person gets married their spouse and friends will be able to become friends. I've seen it happen that way. My mom had a good guy friend, whom once she got married become good friends with her husband.
Totally disagree, speaking from experience. I am happily married and my husband obviously comes first. All my friends, with the exception of one or two, are men. Most have been my best friends since high school. I often meet them for dinner or drinks, platonically only. None of them have ever made a move on me or disrespected me or my marriage. Why do I have mostly guy friends? I don't know. Maybe because I'm not so much of a girly girl. I'd rather watch football and hockey than go to the mall. I'm a firefighter, which most women 'don't get'. I'd rather talk about sports and politics and cars than talk about 'Sex in the City' or gossip about hollywood celebs. My husband trusts me with all that he is and has never had a problem. My friends have been my friends longer than I've known my husband. I don't think it would be right to just drop my friends just because I am married. For one, if they are my true friends, they won't disrespect me or my marriage by stepping over a line. Second, it's what's in your heart that matters. Sure, if one of them admitted having strong feelings for me or something, the nature of our friendship would change. But you can't judge for everyone what's in their hearts. Truth be known, I doubt I could marry a man that would expect me to drop the very people who have seen me through some pretty tough times. If he can't trust me or the company I keep, what kind of marriage is that? ~Andi
I totally agree with the original post, except for two exceptions:
one of the people in the friendship is homosexual or one of the people in the friendship finds the other one completely unattractive. Otherwise, if a guy and girl are closer than acquaintances, something more than plain friendship is going on. It may be just a mental attachment, but it's there.
my best friend of 14 years is a guy. neither of us of had romantic feelings for each other. we are bluntly honest with each other and have talked about it to make sure we're on the same page. he's like my brother, everyone in my family has accepted him as such as well. even my sisters claim him as their brother. and i have other close guy friends as well (one for 11 years, two for 6, one for 3 and one for 1). i think it's completely possible, in all actuality. only one for one of them have i ever developed (non-reciprocated) romantic feelings for, and that was a crush that passed within a week or so. and i think when it comes to marriage and being friends with the opposite sex, that your spouse should know the person and your history with them. if my husband introduced me to someone that he had been friends with for a long time and wanted to go out and see her it would be fine as long as it was for a short time and in a public place. i don't hold double standards like that. i would like the ability to see my friends when i have the opportunity. it's one thing if either of us just meets some random person and decides to go "hang out" with them. i wouldn't do that and i wouldn't want him to either. and i would never go see any of them alone. that would be wrong. and again, i wouldn't want him to either. the only exception for this is the one i've known for all but 5 years of my life. he is like my brother and nothing more. and if my significant other were to have someone like that in his life (a surrogate sister, if you will) i would be fine if they went out together. *shrugs* it's like hanging out with a sibling to me.
hello there, i really like your post, i am experiencing a difficult situation with a guy friend right now (which i wrote about just a few posts ago)... anyway, i think it is possible to have a platonic guy-girl friendship, but i feel that as soon as you have a certain high level of trust with the person, and spend enough time with them, provided they are at least a little attractive, how could feelings not develop? I'm a Muslim, but i really like the Bible verse you quoted... in my religion we say that God has blessed man and woman with a certain mercy of tenderness between them, "so that they may find comfort in one another". so it seems only natural to revert to the tendency of a "romantic" relationship often. peace :)
It's completely possible, but you have to be careful, as sometimes developing feelings can catch you off guard. In my own experience, though, if feelings start to develop it's usually because I've been relying too much on one or a few guys for:
a) basic friendship
b) male companionship -- I find that the less guys there are to choose from, the more likely I am to fall for someone I thought was just a friend.
So basically, I think long-term, platonic friendships are completely possible.
Especially when he's gay . . .
I believe that guys and girls can be friends.
I have a far away phone friend that's female, and we both openly acknowledge our lack of attraction to each other. She's pretty much the exact opposite of what I'm looking for, and I'm the exact opposite of what she's looking for. We both like having intelligent conversation, and we're both open to new ideas. That allows us to talk a lot as friends.
The only reason there is sexual tension, is because society places it on us. People see a guy and a girl out and they automatically think, "Date!" and the scandals begin. That's not either of the persons' fault. Just because my best friend is the opposite sex, doesn't mean we're dating.
I am female, and one of my best friends is male. He's more level headed than the rest of my female friends. Of course I'm going to go to him when I'm in a rough patch because he won't turn it into a drama. It's taken almost 2 years, but the rest of our friends have finally come to realize we'll never be anything more.
However, if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend such as I do, then you should probably check in with him/her about it. My boyfriend is cool with it. He's secure in our relationship.
Wow, if men and women can't be friends without wanting romance, doesn't that make everyone lusty?
Two of my best friends are males. Though ironically it was a male who ruined my life. Literally.
I would have to say I disagree with the statement that men and women CAN'T be platonic friends. I would agree that it may be harder than a same sex friendship, but it is not impossible. I don't think you should rule someone out as a friend just because of their sex, nor do I think people with opposite sex friendships should be frowned upon. Both people in the friendship need to understand it is platonic and know and respect the boundaries of that. (And I don't think having 'feelings' for someone means you can't respect boundaries.)
I would have to say that my best friend of all times is a guy. He is a friend that I met through church, we never had anything more than a friendship - but it was a very close friendship. He knew everything about me and I about him. We spent at least 3-4 hours of every day with each other. And, I had boyfriends during said friendship. Being the man he was, he had control of his eyes and I never felt like he was 'looking me up and down'. Though, I do have to admit we have drifted apart, it has nothing to do with him being male and I being female, but more to do with opinion changes on certain issues later in life. I recently saw him again after a long time and I have to admit there is nothing I would love more than to have that friendship with him again. And I know my husband would not have a problem with it...as long as our (my hubby's and my) relationship was still the priority.
If this is indeed true, that men and women cannot simply be friends and enjoy the love and presence of each other without having to be romantic, then I am about to enter into an impossible way of life.
Certainly, God created man and woman to be attracted to each other. But he gives us his commandments, he gives us his Son, he gives us grace and he gives us free will so that we can choose what to do with that attraction. We are supposed to love one another in a manner conducive to revealing God to the world, loving each other as Christ loves us.
There certainly is a great amount of tension sexually, both in a physical sense and simply for the fact men and women are different. But God is glorified in the differences, especially when those differences come together harmoniously in chaste friendships, marriage, selfless service, and many other ways of relating to others in a holy way.
On August 16th (not to boast; this is simply fact) I will be publicly taking a vow of chastity (and poverty and obedience). This means many things, but on the most basic level it means:
-I will never date.-I will never be in a physical relationship with the opposite sex (or the same, for that matter).-I will never marry.
Many people who find this out have big issues with these things. But if you talk to the women in my life, those I have befriended throughout my life, they are overjoyed for me.
I realized at one moment that I loved, deeply, all of them. But I realized that to devote the rest of my life to one of them would mean the loss of the rest. But I wanted to devote myself to all of them, with my whole heart.
But in loving Christ, and offering him my whole life, I can love them, you and the rest of the world as deeply as I wish, for to give my love to Christ is to love a heart without a bottom to it, so I can keep falling and falling and falling deeper in love with him for the rest of my time on this earth. In loving Christ, therefore, I love everyone, and I needn't pick a favorite (to do so, regardless, would be as to choose a single star from all the night sky to possess forever!).
Certainly it will be challenging, certainly there will be times when I am lonely, certainly there will be times when I long for children. Yes, I will come home every day to an empty bed. But for Christ, I would suffer all of these things! And with him, all of these things are possible. This would, I feel, be to Jesus' saying in Matthew 19:12--
Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it."
Bah. I really needed to read this. It's just tough to give up the ol' guys you have so much history with, even when it may be slightly romantically tense. :)
This kind of reasoning is a little ridiculous. God didn't say women should be friends with other women either. Ergo, we shouldn't have friends at all!
dude, this is so...immature. just because you can't handle friendships with the opposite sex doesn't mean the rest of the people don't have the ability too. men and women CAN be friends. this is the twenty-first century, when people from both sexes interact together rather freely, at least in more open societies. opportunity of forging friendships are abound. there are so many great friendships between men and women in the world that transcends or doesn't involve sex and romance.
there is a sharp distinction between having a general fondness for friends and wanting to be romantically-linked with someone. actually, there is a huge leap between deciding to go steady with someone as opposed to just being friends, even though you have gone through a lot with your friend. a lot more is expected when two people are going out or married, as opposed of just friends. an acquaintance, on the other hand, is just someone you know and do not qualify as friends - you don't share enough experiences together, you don't have ANY expectations on those people to help you when needed.
And also, being so insecure is the sure way to a suffocating, unhealthy relationship. what, you mean you're supposed to cut off all ties with your opposite sex friends after you start going out with your spouse? not even lunch? come on, with that level of trust, i wish you good luck with your relationships. i for one steer clear from possessive psychotic men.
Sorry can't agree. One of my best friends is a woman. She's married with kids, and I've known her for nearly 20 years. I have never for one second been sexually attracted to her. She's a very attractive woman, but I can't imagine being attracted to her.
We are friends and neither of us would have it any other way