Thursday, 17 July 2008
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Can You Hate Sexual Abuse While Loving the Abuser?
by mr maple
In an earlier post, I mentioned a story about a prostitute that had been selling her 2 year-old daughter for sex in order to keep up with her drug addiction. The gist of the entry was that the woman felt the church would only make her feel worse about what she had done; most of the great comments focused on what it meant to love the way God loves, but I was dumbstruck by one particular response:What does it say about our "pious" discussions when the general tenor of our comments [have] so little concern expressed about the most helpless victim here, and the one who could expect perhaps the greatest life directional changes with but the proper legal intervention and relief?
How do we hate the way God hates? While we speak glibly about "hating the sin and loving the sinner," the line can be fuzzy at times. Last year in medical school we had what was called "Sex Week," or three days of intensive exposure to human sexuality. While there were many, many things that we learned and debated, one thing that stood out for me was a panel of rape survivors. The panelist herself was horrifically abused by her father and her father's friends, married into an abusive relationship, then was taken advantage of by her Christian psychiatrist. Her father went to church and was a religious man who died with the comfort and acceptance of his church community. Her mother stood by the father's side to the end.
My emotional response was mixed. In small groups we discussed the conflict between caring for the child and the abuser. I used to think that I could be rational and objective in treating members of the prison system competently, but now find it hard to imagine treating a child abuser without giving in to the urge to rip his testicles off in as excrutiatingly painful a manner possible. I suppose that Christian principles dictate that I should respond more kindly with hope for change, but it almost seems that reacting gracefully to child and sexual abuse diminishes - if not mocks - the violence that has already been done.
I'll avoid the question of God's sense of justice for now just to ask, "How do we hate the way God hates and love the way God loves?" It seems that people swing towards one extreme or the other. There are those who seem to speak of nothing but hate and those that speak of nothing but love and forgiveness. Yet the God of the Bible is a terrifying, weeping, nearly schizophrenic God who lashes out at Israel in fury at one moment and then bemoans his love for her the next. How can we allow the heart of God to grow within us without having it tear us apart with its bipolar passions for both justice and mercy?
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
-Micah 6:8(On a more hopeful note, one colleague described how a pediatrician she shadowed emphasized to every child he examined that "nobody else should touch you there, no matter what." I think that's an admirable and practical way for physicians to educate, defend, and protect: one child at a time.)
Do you follow the precept, "Love the sinner, hate the sin?" How do you love and treat those who've done a lot of harm?
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Comments (48)
Well, I don't believe in truly converted sexual predators, just ones who have learned to be sneakier. So I don't care. Not about that particular topic, anyway.
There has to be some other way to discuss loving sinners. Seriously, sexual crimes are perpetrated by the insane.
A lot of people were praying for Fidel Castro to die. How about Fidel Castro? We have to love him, even though he did a great deal of harm. But he wasn't raping two-year-old children. So I can see having to love Castro.
Anyone rapes a little kid, they have crossed a line. No child molester comes to know God.
I don't really know.
I've been taking an class called the Education of the Exceptional Child. We've talked about emotional disorders, physical disorders and learning disabilities that kids can have or face. It's been really eye opening. There was one video that we watched about a little who had been sexually abused by the time she had been 2 years old. Who does that?!
I get really angry when stuff like this happens. I don't understand what makes people do things like this...especially to children. They're innocent and defenseless.
I am sure that I will be faced with these things when I get my own classroom. I will pray for the grace to extend to these people and allow someone else to administer the justice.
The truth is that God's grace is meant for every last person. However, since we are blinded by sin until the day of salvation and God lets those scales come off... I can see where people would say rapists are so far beyond the grace of God. I've felt that way.
The first I was raped? I was 6 years old. There are no words fit to describe the torment that afflicted my soul because of one man's actions.
I write about it often in my xanga about how I have come to forgive a stranger for assaulting me and his entire family has come to Christ because of it. God's justice is not void. I may have been let down by the court of this land, but the God who created the heavens and the earth knows MY name. He knows our pain, our joys, and trials.
Maybe I'm the exception but I pray for those who have persecuted me. I want them to bow at the feet of my King. It'll happen now or it will happen later--- But I believe it to be true.
as someone who has just recently come out of a several year, sexually abusive relationship, i'm struggling very deeply with love and forgiveness for the man at the moment. (a man i was so afraid of infuriating, i married, against what was left of my better judgment)
however, i know beyond a doubt that while it will have to come from God's miraculous grace and mercy - i am required and should desire to show grace and mercy to my abuser. it definitely won't be next week, and as i said, it must come from God...but Scripture doesn't leave any wiggle room when it comes to instructing on forgiveness.
i will say, though, that i have no intention of walking back into that marriage. wisdom just says that he is manipulative and abusive, has been for the entire time i've known him, and therefore a godly relationship is just (seemingly) very beyond reach between he and i.
now, to address a comment by another poster...as disgusting as it is, sexual abuse is -not- the sin called out as Unforgivable. and while it is perverse and destructive - even more so than many others, because it often involves children and ALWAYS involves hurting others - to say that it is beyond God's reach to regenerate a molester's heart is quite false and maligns what's been proven true of God's character throughout eternity. (and for our benefit, laid out clearly in Scripture)
i understand the anger and mistrust and disbelief that's presented in such an argument...but God's track record of forgiveness and regeneration holds quite an array of nasty, vile, despicable people. though, it is also very true, the consequences and ramifications for abusers - though saved and forgiven - is still harsh, both in this life and it would seem in eternity. forgiveness and salvation does not mean abusive men and women should be excluded from punishment for their crimes.
I have this amazing friend. He was sexually abused by a pastor who was his Boy Scout troop leader. As a young man, he tried to erase the pain of what happened to him with alcohol and drugs and women, but of course it didn't work. The pain and bitterness sent him spiralling into violence against himself and others. Then God touched him, and he got saved. He began a healing journey that has led him to forgive and love his abuser. He made a flight across the country to the West Coast to visit his former abuser in prison to personally speak to the man. He clearly stated what he remembered happening, how it made him feel, how it affected his choices. Then he verbally released his abuser from any demand of retribution and extended his forgiveness to him. And in that moment of glorious freedom, he spontaneously reached over and hugged his former abuser! As he walked out the prison, he told his escort, "I feel freer today than I ever have!" Later, he learned from one of the facilitators of that meeting that his abuser said that was the most kind thing anyone had ever done for him, basically that he saw Jesus like he never had before.
Tell me, is this not the way Jesus loves the sinner while hating the sin? My friend still has moments when the events of his past haunt him, and he stuggles to choose to forgive again (70 x 7, ya know). But he is no longer bound by anger and bitterness and unforgiveness. He HATES what happened to him, hates that it happened to other guys he knows, but he loves the one who sinned against him with the love of the Cross.
@dreamingfree@xanga - Liz, you are a beautiful example of hating the sin and loving the sinner. Jesus shines in and through and out of you! So much like Jesus-- that your forgiveness of your rapist has resulted in an entire family's salvation! You are beautiful!
@suchasoftersin@xanga - Amen and amen to your last two paragraphs! As I read your words, I have no doubt that God will honor the desire of your heart and bring you to a place of complete peace and forgiveness and wholeness. Bless your beautiful heart!
If you ever watched The Steve Wilkos Show, I fully believe in his way with dealing people such as rapists, spouse beaters, crackhead junkies, etc. The way that he delivers reality to the people is in the most harshest way (which is of course drilling it into their heads by force). Of course, there are alot of people who think he is too harsh on these people. But in all retrospect, the idea of capital punishment is the only way (proven most effective) to turn someone's life around.
I don't want to start a storm of insults and arguments over this, but I feel that there are others who, after they have done the crime, always say that they look to Jesus Christ and God for an apology. If you do say that God will always forgive, then there wouldn't be a reason for them to look for him anyways. And it doesn't mean that they'll stop their crimes either. But if they truly believe that God is the greater power to forgive them, they wouldn't be doing the crimes they are committing anyways. And to me, those who rape, kill, abuse shouldn't be forgiven if they are going to use "God" as a temporary route to escape humiliation and seek sympathy from others.
I think it is truly amazing when that kind of forgiveness happens...I know it isn't easy. I struggle very much with this issue, and can't feel anything but hate and disgust for my abuser. He hurt me and several other girls, he got away with it, and he went on to probably abuse many other girls and women as he got older. He is reportedly still a hateful, cruel, arrogant person who doesn't want anything to do with his hometown or family or the people he grew up with. He denies he ever did anything wrong. I don't believe that people like this are usually capable of real change or of true regret or remorse. They are so arrogant, narcissistic and twisted that they don't think there is anything wrong with what they have done, and will continue to be this way all their lives. It is terribly tragic and sad, because they will never be truly happy or "normal", and they will continue to inflict their hurt on others. Can one forgive the sin, but not the sinner? Or is it the other way around?
I know forgiveness benefits the injured party....it supposedly allows us to release the hurt, the anger, the shame, the resentment...but it takes a very long time, and sometimes that kind of hurt can never go away. I think I could forgive the person if he was truly sorry and repentant and remorseful, and if amends could be made, but in many, many cases, that will never, ever happen. I read many books on forgiveness - they all said the other person doesn't HAVE to be sorry, or to apologize, or to acknowledge the hurt, or to make reparations, for us to forgive them. But how can that be true, when the Bible says that God requires US to repent, to confess, to be sorry, to "go and sin no more"? And that he also requires us to go and tell the sin to other brethren and approach that person who is wrong, and that the sinful person should acknowledge their sin, apologize, and make reparations in order to be forgiven and accepted by the religious community? Which way is it, really? Can we forgive if the perpetrator is not sorry? I struggle with this.@fullmetalbunny@xanga - i think by saying that no child molestor comes to know God, does that not mean you are saying that noone comes to know God? Jesus came to save everyone, not everyone except a certain minority.
i thought about this after making my first post and reading some responses...but so often we talk about those who commit "sensational" sins - murder, abuse, reckless sexuality, etc - as if their sin is somehow so much worse than our own. obviously it's more destructive, as it's against others and not just God.
but in saying some things aren't forgivable, or some people aren't capable of being changed, aren't we being the arrogant ones? the same sacrificial death paid for our sins - it still required the murder, on our behalf, of the only person to ever be blameless. isn't it spitting in God's face to accept his salvation but then try and say it cannot be offered to others?
@ONE_DAVID_S@xanga - You know what? Jesus came to save everyone. But some people are evil. They reject salvation to the end.
Pedophiles are the minority, not non-pedophiles. Pedophiles are few and far between. We all sin. Pedophiles cross a line. Beyond sinning. They're turned on by screaming, crying children. No one but the vile could be sexually aroused by such a thing.
I'm not changing my mind about this, so don't nobody bother replying again.
On your side-note, about the pediatrician. I followed several who did the same thing. I thought that was very good. I am a pre-med student (I still have a couple years left in undergrad, though) and I'm thinking pediatrics, so if that's what I do, I will most definitely be sure to emphasize that as well.
Now back to your point and question. I am not really sure. That's something I'd have to think about for a long time, I'm sure.
Just because the sin was of a sexual nature does not mean it is worse than any other sin. If you want to take this to the extreme, can we do the same for Osama and Saddam? Honestly take some time to think about the answer.
As Mr. Maple stated, these kinds of acts inspire such a rage within us. Let us not be held captive by this rage, but rather turn it over to God, who in his power and knowledge will take care of things in the proper manner. For in this very rage we ourselves could commit a sin. We need to see the person with God's eyes and see not only the horrible acts that have been committed, but also the pain and emptiness and numbness that seek resolution within this other person who clearly tried to satiate it in a manner that resulted in the harm of another person.
Are we any different than these people? Sure we may not have actually physically done anything, we however do have negative thoughts. Those very thoughts of anger or lust are equivalent to murder and rape (Matthew 5). We all are sinful creatures who have been destined for the wrath of God, but in his love for us by sacrificing his son Jesus, we have been made alive (Ephesians 2:3-5).
Are we not commanded by our Lord and Savior to forgive? We all know the answer to that. So, then, how can we not? How can we call ourselves Christians if we don't obey this commandment? Do we just throw that one out the window because it's too hard?
I have found that when I make up my mind to forgive, God's peace comes over me, even before I do the actual forgiving part in my heart. And that makes the actual forgiving part easier.
Forgiving does not mean giving someone a free pass. It doesn't mean condoning their sins. Loving the way God loves means forgiving the sins, loving the person, but condemning the acts. Help the sinner to realize his sins for what they are, and help him overcome his urge to sin. Teach him God's ways, show him the path to righteousness and salvation. He may or may not accept it, but you've done your part, the rest is up to God.
I wrote an extremely long post ( mostly from a Christian / Biblical standpoint...I'm an atheist but I grew up as a missionary kid and attended Christian schools so I am very familiar with the Bible ) but I thought it was too personal and so I deleted it.
Personally...I think that there are some things that are unforgivable. Most things are, a very small minority are not. To me.
I can forgive some of the people who hurt me in ways the little girl in the post was hurt. Some of them did not know what they were doing, some of them were scared, one of them thought it was culturally okay to beat up and rape women whom he was dating / had once dated.
And the missionary...well, he was so guilty about viciously and repeatedly raping a 9 year old that he told me that I had been possessed by Satan or one of Satan's demons to "seduce" him and that I was going to Hell for causing a "man of God" to sin. Which I believed, of course.
I was too young to know what even "sex" was, let alone what rape was. He was an upstanding missionary and a pastor at his home church back in the US. I was terrified of demons, both because of my missionary kid upbringing and because I grew up in the Philippines--a country steeped in animism.
So I believed him, and hated myself. Not shortly after, I tried to end my own life. At 9.
A lot of people would find that unforgivable, but I could forgive him. I pity him. The anger is still there and what he did to me still haunts me, but I could forgive him.
The others...I cannot forgive. And one of them, I hate. I think I will hate him forever. What he did, what he took, what he ripped from my life, what he did to the other girls...too much. Too much for me to stop hating him, let alone forgive him.
Maybe you think I am a bad person or a weak person for that. But you don't know this man. You don't know what he did and what he continues to do this day.
Bah. Touchy subject.
@dreamingfree@xanga - Thank you for your post on this. You are an immensely strong person for forgiving your assailant. That is amazing.
I wish you only the best in your continued journey to healing.
yes you can... we can't condemn them... the judgement lies in God... and didn't He teach us to love everyone... and though the acts are abominable, it's not out place to hate them.
You know, I have a lot of dark feelings about this.
I often say that it's a good thing god's mercy is new every morning, because mine often isn't.
and on the darkest days of facing this in my own past or in anothers past or present - I find it hard to even worship and say
God bless God when I can't.
I realize more every day just how not like God I am, and how dependent I am for him to forgive me in my inability to forgive. Y
A guy (relation) made me do unspeakable things to him and after he became a changed man it stopped. (He was 18 and I 10) after his change he could have repeated these acts many many times, he had chances...he never did, but he did tell me sorry with many tears. I forgave him and I love and trust him. People can change...I have witnessed it.
Your original question was, how do we hate the way God hates and love the way God loves. The answer is we can't. And why is it considered hating when you want justice for something someone did. Forgiveness does not mean what the person did was OK and that they should not be punished for what they did. Wanting justice does not equal hate. Forgiveness is a hard thing and can't be done without The Spirit moving your heart and making a change in you to enable you do forgive. Once that happens though, as another blogger has expressed, it is like a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders! Literally!
Blessings
Karen
I have honestly asked myself this same question. How? How do you forgive someone who has taken something so fundemental of chilhood. Their innocence. Their chance for a whole unwarped view on life. Their dreams of a happy ever after. I was not raped, but molested for many years by my stepfather. I have forgiven him for that, because I had to make that choice for me. When the bible says to forgive, it is not completely for the other person. If you dwell on the wrong done to you, the anger will eat you alive.
Now will I ever trust this man again. NO! God also gave me brains, and I should use them. Will he ever be allowed within a 10 mile radius of my kids? Over my dead body.
We watched a video by Charles Stanly. One of the messages was on forgiveness. He said forgiving goes against every fiber of our being. But God told us to. Not because they deserve it, but because God has forgiven us. Do unto others as He has done for you.
On that note, do I think the prison system should ever let a chile molester or rapist out of prison. Def. NOT! Should there be capitol punishment for these offenders. OH Yeah! Just because they are forgiven, it does not mean they should ever have a chance to hurt a beautiful baby again.
At the very nuts and bolts of the problem, sexual abuse is a sin like any other sin unless you are Catholic then there may be some sort of gradation of sin imposed here, however I am Protestant so I will argue the equality of all sin (except for the one unforgivable sin--blasphemy against the Spirit).
However, in my view, sexual abuse is one of the only sins that would be nearly impossible to be forgiven for me. I don't think I could blame someone for never forgiving their abuser, even though forgiveness should be shown. Its a hard question. One, thankfully, I have not had to deal with myself.
@tedder6@xanga - On the issue of capital punishment, do you think that they should still be killed if they have an authentic conversion while in prison? (I am just being the devil's advocate here, I neither agree or disagree with you on this issue)...You should watch the movie The Woodsman with Kevin Bacon and then ask these same questions to yourself again.
Wow - you know when she said she doesn't want to go to Church because she already felt bad, that is true in some cases but....that is also a reason why people don't want to turn to Jesus because he will reveal what is in the heart. And at some point in our life, it doesn't matter who did what to us we HAVE to take responsibility for our own actions.
I have dealt with abuse since i was 3 years old. i was sexually molested by my babysitter at 3 and growing up in abuse I left home at 14. And when i was 19 I had to look at my own actions and thats what they were my own actions.
To hate the sin and love the sinner is what God calls us to do because that is what He did for us. If we ask Him to see people as He sees them we will see them in the eyes of Christ. And if we ask Him He will give the grace to handle and situation.