Tuesday, 15 July 2008

  • Does Prince Charming Carry a Bible? Pt. 2: Why My Mom Was Right About Boaz

    marigold by miss marigold

    Continued from Waiting on the Lord or Being a Wimp?

    So does Prince Charming carry a Bible? In my experience, no. It's not that there aren't eligible Christian males in my age group, but rather, that I'm not compatible with the ones I've met.  

    burdenedConsider my male friends'/acquaintances shared basic criteria/strong preferences for a godly future wife (references to Proverbs 31 invariably follow):
    1) Will let the guy lead her
    2) Has not had much, if any, relationship experience; maidenhood fiercely intact in every way.

    While I'm not that surprised by the first requirement, I'm a little concerned about the other specification, which suggest that Christian boys uphold innocence and naivete. More than one guy's told me that he doesn't want a girl with any "baggage" - as if in order to follow his lead, she must be incapable of knowing any better - or that to be worthy of his leadership, she must be angst-free and untouched, both in body and heart. I know not all guys think that way, but I've heard it enough times that it's started to bother me.

    At the risk of sounding like a total sap, I got through my first major heartbreak by listening to that Rascal Flatts song, "Bless the Broken Road," which contains these lyrics: "I think about the years I spent just passing through/I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you/But you just smile and take my hand/you've been there you understand/It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true." 

    Reality check: It's a pop song, not a prophecy. Is it such an ego-buster if someone's not my first love, first kiss, first relationship, and so on? Is the fear of being compared to a past lover a vital part of the girlfriend screening process? I don't regret my mistakes - after all, I learned from them and God's let me move on - but I'd hope that my next significant other can get past that I once foolishly gave my heart to another. 

    Maybe it's not about the baggage/past, per se, but rather how a girl handles it. I'm sure there's a way to carry it without looking like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Fine, so maybe I'm two parts bitter and one part basketcase, or maybe the desire for an innocent cutesy virgin is a guy thing, but what really gets to me is that guys who've accepted the grace of Christ would say that they favor girls with no past. I might poke fun at my "baggage," but I appreciate it for providing good fodder for stories and jokes.

    For years, I've listened to my mom compare her ideal son-in-law to Boaz, but it wasn't until I picked up a little baggage myself that I started using that same comparison.

    Most women of the Bible have a little baggage. There's Esther, who was secretly a Jew; Rahab, who was a prostitute; Mary Magdalene, who was possessed by seven demons; Ruth, a widowed foreigner who followed her mother-in-law home, was no exception. It seems almost laughable that a prominent landowner like Boaz would let her glean with his servants, protect her from other men, eat at his side, and even give her extra measures of grain.

    When Ruth asks Boaz why she found favor with him, he not only praises the sacrifices she'd made to her mother-in-law since becoming a widow, but he asks that the Lord richly reward and repay her. See, Boaz focused on what she'd done with her past rather than what had happened in it. When Ruth lies down at his feet on the threshing floor, he calls her a "woman of noble character."

    So I might have a little baggage, but I'm hoping that someone of an equal yoke will help me carry it.

    Do you every worry that your "baggage" is a liability in finding a future spouse? Have you observed favoritism for those who have a clean slate?

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Comments (33)

  • efarns@xanga

    I think we all start out as idealists, and then we grow up.  Some idealists marry, but one way or another, reality sets in.  It occurs to me that, if I ever am fortunate enough to marry, I should be prepared to embrace my lover's faults, as well as all that makes her attractive to me.  After all, I have a couple things wrong with me, too.
  • FreeeVerse@xanga

    I like that my guy has had relationships in the past, because it means that he has experience. Granted, I would not like to be compared to his exes, but that doesn't stop me from prefering him to have had experiences. It's the same for me. I will not compare him to my exes and he would not have to worry about that.


    P.S. My recent ex is the exception, though. It was because of his baggage from HIS ex that we broke up - he hadn't completely gotten over her breaking up with him, hadn't forgiven her, hadn't let the hurts go. And those things affected OUR relationship. Isn't that sad?
  • leadworshipper82

    baggage is a necessary evil i think...


    it's not a reality...


    for me... i don't care what kind of baggage my girl has... just so long as I can be with her and i so desire to work through everything... doesn't matter what it is... just so long as I can accompany her in working through whatever baggage we find...


    I honestly want baggage... so that a relationship that I have will be blessed because we worked through it... i don't really care the magnitude... for all i know she may not be a virgin... but I really don't care... cuz I will love her no matter what... in spite of... that's love...
  • pja2@xanga

    Am I assuming right that you are a Christian?   I would love to know more about your situation before commenting on it....but for now....   everyone has "baggage"  and no matter what you did in your past .... if you have repented and been forgiven by God who on earth can judge you?

  • la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga

    I think that as long as all his previous relationships have been healthy and happy ones, and as long as I understand the reasons they began and ended, I'm okay with a guy having had as many past girlfriends as he wants.  As long as I'm the only one he wants, and as long as I'm the only one he thinks about, I don't care if he used to be madly in love with his ex.
  • lauralen@xanga

    With baggage comes life experience. We've all messed up...some people do it in the relationship area. I don't see why that should be an automatic deciding factor from the start...and this comes from one with absolutely no relationship baggage.
  • Be_A_Revolution@xanga

    Baggage doesn't just come from being in failed boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

    And while I think there may be some preference towards those with a "clean slate", I'd wager to say that it's not a high priority.

    Of course, I'm not really one to talk. Technically, I'm a "clean slate" and therefore, cannot base any of this on my personal experiences--just those of my friends.
  • mrcolorful@xanga

    Those guys need to grow up and get in touch with the real world.  You also might want to get to know other guys.

    Everyone has baggage of some sort as it is that baggage which makes us who we are.  Granted some of us may not have ever been in a romantic relationship but we still have relationship baggage based on our parents, platonic relationships and other people's romantic relationships that we have witnessed.  Also, if you had not baggage whatsoever then you would not have anything to discuss nor would you have any idea how to interact with a significant other or anyone else.

    As for wanting a woman to lead, I think these guys are living in the past or are misinterpreting Bible verses.  A wife is never supposed to be a servant or slave and I have never seen a part of the Bible that supports that position except for a few passages in which it turns out the passage was mistranslated.  I also don't believe that any relationship can be healthy if either partner is subservient.
  • mrcolorful@xanga

    Also, even if one or both parties have past experience I believe it is underestimating the power and strength of love.  If you really love the other person then it will be the best you have experienced regardless of how much experience you might have.  At least that is my belief.
  • ANBUninja21@xanga

    Considering past relationships to be "baggage" seems a bit extreme to me anyways.


    But everyone's going to have baggage of some sort.


    Everyone is imperfect, everyone is going to have things they regret doing.


    For what my view is worth.


    Plus to judge someone now based on previous relationships really seems something we as Christians should not do.


    Forgiven for how many sins, but still willing to hold a former relationship against someone else?


    It doesn't seem right.


    Besides, Jesus said if you even look at someone with lust in your heart you've committed adultery already...


    So then doesn't everyone have that kind of baggage?
  • kMiNg@xanga

    i don't fit into that category. maybe im weird. i dont mind the baggage. God will lead. my selfish desires in what i search for ultimately boil down to nothing. 
  • basedonatruestory5@xanga

    Live and learn from your past relationships.  Hoping to find someone with no past seems beyond expectations, and pretty much ridiculous.  We're humans, we make mistakes, and we learn from them.  Expecting someone to have learned from their past relationships:  that's something reasonable to look for .
  • OsuwarInuyasha@xanga

    Baggage can come from someone even if they have never dated before... baggage can come from your parents (even if they seemed perfect), because everyone has sinned and it gets on everyone around them... also baggage can come from siblings or just about anyone you come in contact with and have a bad experience with(run on sentence lol).

    Baggage is unavoidable, but God use that for good.

    Give the baggage to God lol

    I had baggage and my husband had baggage.

  • MelodicPuppy@xanga

    My husband and I each have our own baggage to carry around; his sexual and mine financial. As much as I would have liked him to wait for me, I chose to look at him cleanly through God's eyes.  
  • sheepthatsblack@xanga

    Yeah...I've got lots of baggage...most of it just from life, but I've got at least a carry-on's worth from past relationships....

    If a girl doesn't want to be with me after she hears about it, I would totally understand...but that's probably a remnant of low self-esteem talking

    that said...I haven't been perfect, and I don't expect my future wife to have been a perfect angel. All the churchy goody-goodies have just never interested me, and I gave up the idea of marrying a virgin as soon as I came to college and realized how few there actually are out there. I don't want to be compared to other guys...but at the same time, I don't view experience as a bad thing....

    I completely agree with you: I want a girl who realizes the past is the past, and who I was a few years ago isn't who I am now. The old me made a lot of mistakes, and the present me is sleeping in the bed I made for myself, but trying to correct the mistakes as best I can. I figure if she doesn't have enough understanding to grasp that, we'd never work out anyways.

    that's my 2 cents
    much love

    P.S. maybe it's just because we're both in college....but I love all your posts...they seem to align with how I feel almost every time. Keep up the questioning :)
  • HeadStrongChica@xanga

    To me baggage is what makes you YOU...I don't know anyone without it...like others that have mentioned before me, it's not about what baggage it is but what you have DONE with it...there are some people who carry it around and say "woe is me"...and then there are others who say "this is who I am, but I'm STRONGER because of it"

    I will honestly say that I try my hardest not to be the former, but the latter...my baggage has shaped me as an individual but has not hindered me for the most part, and I can say the same for my fiance'. My mother always said that it would take a "special guy to love you for who you are"...and she was right!
  • El_Tiz

    I find that, at 33, I'm getting to the age (or maybe have been there
    for a bit) where not having much "baggage" to speak of is more of a
    liability than having a sizable amount of it.  My past experience with
    relationships is very limited, and when people find that out about me,
    they tend to ask "What's wrong with you?"   It's perceived, I think,
    that if you haven't been around the block a certain number of times,
    its likely because of some sort of big personality flaw that repulses
    the opposite sex, at least in terms of seeing you as
    relationship-worthy material.  
  • HeadStrongChica@xanga

    And occasionally when my fiance' and I first began dating, he would ask me how good the kissing was so he could have bragging rights...but to me, it's not because he was insecure...just another form of ego stroking...whether you're the first or the BEST...it's just ego stroking and EVERY guy wants that! lol
  • leadworshipper82

    @MelodicPuppy@xanga - that's very brave and admirable that you would admit that... that's quite encouraging to read that you choose to look beyond his past and work through it... something I so desire to do...
  • Christie

    I'm pretty inexperienced with relationships, and I guess I was on the opposite end up the stick. The guy had grown up in a Christian home, but certainly made mistakes, and lost his virginity to someone else. I won't lie, that that hurt badly, and I know the relationship they shared was so deeply rooted and hurt him so bad, that it was difficult not to find that baggage difficult to carry.

  • sugarluver56@xanga

    I don't think that the "baggage" has to weigh you down. We all have it whether in actual relationships or even in our own desires. I think it matters more how you handle the baggage. Whether you learn and become stronger because of it. Now as for "liking people who have experience" I don't think having lots of experience is always a good thing. I think it makes you lose the intimacy if you've had too much of it. I would think you'd get worn out and used to short time commitments if you've had so many partners instead of having long term strong committed relationships like you'll have with marriage. A possible reason of why so many marriages these days fail.
    And I do think innocence should be cherished. After all, in 1 Timothy 4:12 we are called to be pure: "Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity." But this doesn't mean that if we do have baggage, we can't have a good relationship. God can heal. You can take your baggage to Him. But it's kind of like just because God forgives doesn't mean we have a license to sin. So I think we should strive for purity even though we might fail.

    Of course this is coming from someone who has had no "relationship baggage" (experience) so I could be slightly misinformed. I just try to follow God and if He brings in someone to me, then so be it. I don't go searching for someone.
  • musicmachine@xanga



    God
    has brought a godly man in my life who I love with all of my heart, and
    am proud to call him my husband. He has a past, and I was some what of
    a sheltered pastors daughter. I may never have been physically involved
    before or even dated before, but I have been kind of emotionally
    involved before. When God brought my husband into my life God gave me
    the grace to look past what he had done, and God gave him grace to look
    past what I had done. My thing was if God has forgiven him, who am I
    not to? Am I better than God? It was sometimes hard but God gave grace.

    Paul says forgetting those things that are in the past, and go forward (my paraphrase)! The apostle Paul had baggage too.

    If
    you have repented and learned from it all, God will forgive and give
    that special someone the grace to look past what you have done in the
    past and see you for who you are now.
    I did not marry my husband for
    who he once was, but for who he is now. He is not who he once was, but
    is now a new creature in Christ!

    Amen to all those that said that Christ can take your baggage, and that we all have baggage even if we have never been in relationships before. All have sinned and come short of the glory of God. But God is faithful and just to for give us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness!
  • TheUnmaskedAvenger@xanga

    I think that everybody has 'baggage' in one form or another. It could be from a previous relationship, parental struggles, broken friendships, or something else. Any guy worth his salt, especially one who lives in this millenium will understand this and be willing to work through any issues that might arise. In one of my favorite movies,the Poseidon Adventure, Officer Rogo and Linda often fight, when she is first introduced it is made clear that she is a former prostitute who Rogo arrested seven times, "I had to find some way to keep you off the streets until I could marry you!' Unfortunately for them, their cruise didn't make it past new years.
  • rivers_in_the_desert@xanga

    I have dated a lot of guys, maybe not by the world's standards, but probably by many of the guys you have been talking to.  When I was much younger, many of them were not christians.  As I got older and more serious about finding a husband, my standards raised.  The problem was, the way those christian men (the ones who claimed to be my brother in Christ) treated me was no differently than the non christians.  They were no more respectful of physical or emotional boundries.  So my first point is, if Christians men want an innocent bride, they need to treat each girl with that standard in mind, remembering that the girl they are with just might be someone else's future wife.


    Second, a few years ago, I dated a very Godly man.  He was very conscious about boundries and the relationship was leading towards marriage for a while.  We talked about each other's past and the baggage we were bringing into the relationship.  It is not that he glorified the baggage, but the fact that we were trusting God to deal with that and he was able to see just how much God had done in my life, made him care for me even more.  It is always a beautiful thing to see how God can make something a new creation!


    Third, you and others touched on this a little.  It often takes a little baggage for the man to learn to lead and the woman to learn to follow.  I have been out of college for 8 years and I am a very independant person.  I can see how God has used relationships to break that down and show me I need to let Him and others lead me sometimes.  I think the same could be true for men.  I have a couple guy friends who have never dated and they have no idea how to lead or love a woman as Christ loves the Church.  They are very selfish and it concerns me that they are going to be going into a marriage with a "you are my wife, you have to submit to me" attitude without serving her also.


    Just some thoughts from someone who is waiting for her own boaz...
  • bittersunday@xanga

    No emotional baggage, eh?  It'll be pretty hard for those guys you talk about to find a girl who fits that criteria.  I think they seem very naive.  It's sad.

    It doesn't really matter to me if the person I'm dating has had no girlfriends or 10 girlfriends.  If he's with me, then that's all that matters.  It's more important to know HOW your significant other treated their boyfriends or girlfriends, rather than HOW MANY they had.

    As far as worrying about baggage...shucks.  I have a lot of baggage, the least of which is from past relationships.  I've always been worried that no one would even want to date me (let alone want to be with me forever) because of all of the problems and issues I have.  Past boyfriends are the least of my worries.

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