by
miss marigold
I've mentioned before that my mom envisions her future son-in-law as a modern-day incarnation of Boaz: generous, protective, capable of supporting his lady love, and most of all, a man of God. Growing up, I found her prayers (which were to me, more of fantasies) as largely irrelevant, as I considered myself several years away from "the marriage age." Then, after college motivated me to map out my ideal life, I did a little math and had a startling revelation:
- If I want to have 3 kids spaced 1.5 - 2 years apart, and I want to have the last one at age 33, that means I need to have my first kid by age 27.
- But I want to be married for 2 years before having my first child, which means I have to get married at age 25.
- But if I want to be engaged for a year prior to marriage (you know, for wedding planning, counseling, and all that), I have to get engaged by age 24.
- As a romantically-challenged, socially awkward neurotic, however, I'll probably want to be in a relationship for 2-3 years before getting engaged, which means I have to meet the man of my dreams by the time I'm 21 and a half.
This does not bode well for someone who turned 21 last November.
Unless Prince Charming falls out of the sky on my way out from work tonight or I stumble upon the Fountain of Youth, something's gotta give in that plan. After a very soap opera-worthy period of trial and error, I've realized how important it is that I do date Christian guys, whether we end up together in the end or not; the number of kids might change, the length of the engagement might change, hey, we might even elope barefoot in the woods, but not having a shared love for God is a total deal-breaker.
At the risk of sounding like a case for Dear Abby, I spend most of my Saturday nights watching
E! True Hollywood Story with a bowl of Special K. After hurtful experiences inspired me to swear off non-Christian boys, alcohol-induced encounters, and casual dating, I've realized that dating (or attempting to date) church boys is a whole new game. Keep in mind that my findings aren't totally conclusive, nor are they 100% consistent...these are just some general things I've seen.
Firstly, Christian boys like to "wait on the Lord," which is basically code for "take their sweet time." Boys, while I respect that you seek God's will by means of intensive prayer, do realize that by the time God gives an answer, I might not be interested anymore.
It's as if the Christian boys I've met are so preoccupied with being a
godly man that they forget to
just be a man. Christian guys I talk to complain that they're stereotyped as nice guys, and as the old adage goes, "nice guys finish last." News flash: Nice guys finish first. Wimpy, boring guys who don't make a move finish last. So take a gamble, guys, I think we're worth the risk.
Right now, I'm at an awkward place where I'm attempting to tow the line between
Sex and the City and
I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I mean, how does one transition from this:
"Well, I think it's okay to date two or three girls at the same time as long as it's not official with any of them and they know it. You've gotta go for a test drive before you buy the car. And by go on a test drive, I mean have sex. A lot. And by buy the car, I mean commit to having sex with just that one person forever."
To this:
"God's telling me that I should court only that one special girl He's set apart for me to marry, so I think I need some time to pray about taking you out on a date. And by 'some time,' I mean a month. And by 'a date,' I mean that we go bowling with my mom and ten other people."
So come on, Christian boys and girls. Has anyone else ever transitioned from dating non-Christians to dating Christians? or even...vice versa?
And does "waiting on the Lord" always translate into being passive?
Next time: Pt II: Why My Mom Was Right About Boaz
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Comments (66)
i think the bottom line is that if you trust the Lord with your salvation and your life, then it's really up to Him when mr. right comes along. trust me, you want this in His hands, not yours.
i've been married three years. i knew this guy for almost five years before we ever dated (and during that time i never gave him the slightest thought). but i have realized with every passing day that he fits me better than any guy i could have come up with on my own.
so. wait on the Lord. doesn't that scripture in proverbs say "many are the plans in a man's (or woman's) heart, but it's the Lord's will that prevails?"
so there you go.
relax. He's got this one.
(and good luck!)
oh. p.s. you were saying that you'd have to meet him, like, now to make your "plan". i turned 21 in july of '04. i started dating my husband in october. . . we were engaged by jan '05, and married in june of '05. . . in july '05 i got pregnant. . . and that same month i turned. . . 22. haha. a lot can happen in one year.
Hmm. Interesting thoughts. I like your life plan. I used to have one of those, but it was only detailed through high school and then it was just to go to college, find the one, get engaged, get married, and have kids.
As for dating Christian guys, I have no personal experience there, but I'm betting it's even harder to find the right one for you among them than it is among the non-Christians. The good part is, of course, that when you do find him, he'll hopefully treat you better and you'll have more in common and the relationship will last longer--maybe even through marriage.
I know your thought process oh so well. Things never turn out like we plan, but it's good to have one. Keep leaning on the Lord for the adjustments. My timeline was much like yours, but I dated non-Christians for far longer. Meanwhile, God's plan was to meet my soulmate when I was 35...by then I thought God had forgotten me or feared he was messing with me. God does neither, and life turned out wonderfully. Just not on my time or plan. I wish I'd trusted God more and enjoyed my single days more fully because there were great lessons to be learned and joys to be had. Know this one thing: if you have a built-in desire for a mate, then God put it there and he'll work with you to fulfill that.
That kissing dating goodbye thing is a great theory but so frustrating and lame when you want to actually find a mate. SOmethign I wish I'd clued into sooner: If you have friends and loved ones with your best interest at heart, see who they recommend in their circles. My husband and I were too shy to initiate, and some good friends saw we were right for each other before we did. I'm glad I'd reached the point of being open to being set up...but it was done by people who knew us and had our best at heart.
I'm not christian and I'm engaged to a christian guy who is actually everything I've expected for a man to be. I'm sure you'll find the perfect one, christian or not, just the one you're expecting for and makes you happy. Good luck.
Speaking as one of the guys that finds himself on the other side of the equation...
I tend to find myself trying to walk a fine line as far as timing it.
I don't think all of us are trying to be passive, really.
It's more that I try to know the girl as a person before trying to make it a date.
It hasn't worked yet, I keep getting told "no", so I'm still trying to find the balance.
But I do think that waiting forever to ask a girl for the reason of thinking God is going to light a sign above The One's head can get a little out of hand.
While I do think Christians should go about dating differently, I don't think it's quite the paranormal experience some seem to expect.
It's still dating, after all, so we still have to put an effort forth.
Good post.
We have our plans and then God has His.
I didn't really ever have a certain plan for my life when it got into being married...
My husband is the first guy I ever dated. My younger sister dated lots of guys (now I don't envy her). I told God I didn't want confusion of dating lots of people, but when He thought I was ready, He would bring along my future husband. I did however lookout for my husband and eventually just "gave it to God." I had a non- christian ask me out before that (that giving it to God), and I said no, I told the guy that God still wanted me to be single and that I had never dated.
A few months after I "gave it to God," I met my future husband. We got to know each other for 3 months. We dated for about 6 months and then the next month got engaged and got married in March (the day after the wedding it had been exactly one year of dating). Its been 2 years now!
There's no perfect person (by the way we ourselves aren't perfect, so why should we be looking for someone perfect anyway?), that first love is Jesus lol.
It never goes exactly how we planned, but thank God, if we give it to Him, its going work out better anyway.
I hear ya loud and clear...AMEN to that!
"Firstly, Christian boys like to "wait on the Lord," which is basically code for "take their sweet time." Boys, while I respect that you seek God's will by means of intensive prayer, do realize that by the time God gives an answer, I might not be interested anymore."
The above quote rings very true to me right now. My response to the "wait on the Lord" plea (of course the response is in my head---not to the guy) is Waiting on the Lord is great, but what if God is waiting on the guy to show an insterest or to "test the waters" so to speak?
To answer the initial question? I firmly believe prince charming will be carrying a Bible...and using that Bible to steer his relationships. Because of this belief, I will patiently wait on the Lord with him.
Well, sometimes to find the right one you have to test the waters. The perfect girl will not come to your door, say "GOD SENT ME BECAUSE I'M YOUR PERFECT GIRL", and then marry you so you'll live happily ever after. This is something boys need to realize.
But I'll also tell you that things don't always work as you would like them to. I was in a relationship for only six months when I got engaged, spent eight months in engagement, and I've been married seven months. I have no regrets.
I don't think your mother's expectations are extreme. I'd seek a mate with similar qualities. But what are your expectations for a partner for yourself?? That's what matters most!
this is well said.
and I, too, had a plan. once upon a time, i thought my high school sweetheart and I would go to the same college. we would get married between junior and senior year (of college....haha), i'd go teach while he went to law school. he'd get a job as a lawyer, i'd go to grad school. we have 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a dog, live happily ever after.
but our plans are not always the same as God's.
my mom always used to say "Melanie Kaye... while you're busy making plans, God's chuckling at you... be still at know."
So, now I am. I'm almost 23. I'm single, and content. And I'm finally learning how to be still.
(But I'm still convinced that somewhere, my Prince charming is /that/ guy... who got clothes-lined by a tree-branch, fell off his horse and got lost.... But that's okay. I'm not gonna wait around for him, I guess. I'll date a few boys here and there, and I'll stay busy working in worship music and teaching and we'll see where God takes me.
But to make a long comment even longer. Yes. I've dated several non-christian boys during college. In fact... I've dated only non-christian boys during college. Clearly, they have not worked out. I'd wake up early for church on Sunday, and they'd gloat at how much more sleep they got than me, etcetcetc...
I wouldn't suggest it. It never really benefitted my walk with Jesus. Ever, really.
If you're going to do it-- take into consideration the type of non-christian boys you're going to date. (i dated a lot of drummers... mine just happened to be bad news. haha)
take heart, sister... it'll happen. God has His plan. :)
correction: *be still AND know.
not "at"
that wouldn't make sense....
please ignore my typos.... sheesh.
what if a guy wants to do this... but the girl won't accept it????
that's my problem...
I think it's a little selfish to say things like: well here's my timeline, here are my feelings, here is me thinking you're taking to long to wait on God, and here is my lack of interest. Trust God that He has the perfect timing, even for a man. Trust that, if you lose interest, God will bring back that initial attraction and if not something more.
I believe it's wise to seek the Lord. I don't think it's necessarely being passive. I think it's being cautious on the moves you're making, even if that means waiting on the Lord for an answer and even if that takes oodles of time. I understand we're you're coming from with the testing the waters, but I think some Christian guys really just want to have the Lord's input in the girl they pursue and whether or not that is in fact the girl they're met to spend the rest of their lives with.
My youth coordinator knew a couple named Tristan and Lily, and Tristan had always been the guy who liked a bunch of girls, and he'd always pray about the girl before he would pursue them, and he would never get the okay from God... until he met Lily. He prayed about her and got the word that they were to try something together, and he talked to Lily about it, and she was willing to try it. She got the word, and three weeks later, they were engaged. That is how quickly God can move, and how quickly a marriage can happen.
I don't completely buy the concept of "the one", but I do believe God could ordaine certain people to be together. As a Christian guy, I'll give my incite.
Personally, I want to have a great, passionate relationship with a Christian woman. Passionate is the key word here. I want my life, my life with my future wife (whoever she may be), to be passionate and exciting. I want to have fun together. I want her to be my best friend. This has led me to be very picky in my criterea for who I want to date. I would much rather meet a woman and know we'd get along great before I ever became romantically involved with her. I just don't want to marry someone that will try and turn me into the softspoken guy that wears a pastel, polo shirt with khaki's everyday, whose wife is always worried about keeping up with the Jones's. I believe many Christian men have similar sentiments, but are too cautious in the persuit of their best-friend/wife, because they don't want to marry the second woman I described.
If I could go back in time I definitely would have "courted" instead of "dated". I found "I kissed dating goodbye" to be an awesome book, it's just too bad I read it after I was already married. But I've seen it happen, where when both people truly wait on the Lord, He does bring them together when the time is right. It's a beautiful thing to witness. And I think if a Christian guy is taking his sweet time then he's not ready to get married anyway. You want a guy that is ready enough that he recognizes the need to take the initiative, or you'll end up with a husband that seems like he never will.
I think a lot of people don't truly trust God as much as they think they do.
the right guy has to be right, and at the right time. Otherwise he isn't Mr. Right, he is Mr. Almost-right-but-not-quite.
I read Seizing Your Divine Moment which talks a lot about being so passive and waiting on God so much for directives that you never actually do anything. This TOTALLY applies to marriage too!
Have you ever read Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge? I think it's a very worthy "in-between", and it's consistent with your ideals. =D Good Luck for both of us, ne? =]
Let us wait for the Lord and His continuous blessings.. I am waiting for the right prince.. God bless! :)
These are good questions.
Perhaps another aspect of the answer lies in the transition from the idealistic princess to a woman who is a sinner looking for another sinful person who is reliant upon the redemptive work of the continuation of abiding in the Word (John 15/Marriage is a Christian Institution) in the mutual lives of two people without making an idol of family, career, and activity, but seeking rather to be ministers to Jesus and to the world for Jesus.
Thats kinda how I see marriage. Im single, so its just a guess, but the fantasy marriage and lifestyle goals will cost your Discipleship.
Why? Because otherwise it is us being our own God rather than being servants to God.
Also, marriage is humbling, it is when we see someone at the worst, often, that we learn how to REALLY love them, and consequently we realize more clearly how Jesus sees us and how committed His Love is to us.
Marriage is not a tea party, and there are incessant satanic forces seeking to destroy all aspects of God's creation and intent that gives Him glory; without grounding in the Word and a realistic world-view, entering into a marriage, under even the most idealistic terms, is walking into a war-zone unprepared.
I am just as romantic as anyone, I know how to light candles, pick the right music, cook, say the nice things, but when it all comes down to the wire, reality has taught me...intense prayer and continuous Bible study and a ministry that unites the 2 in the marriage and brings a flow of the Spirit into the relationship and though them as One, is not a luxury item, it is essential.
Anything less is not marriage.
So, if you haven't found a boy/man yet it just might be a good thing because it is rare that anyone knows what I just mentioned, and yet it is essential in marriage. And that is just the basics.
I have been married and divorced and I have spent a lot of time looking back at the failure of my youth, (im 35 now), and been in a few relationships since then...and have come to realize that the lack of spiritual sustained depth, with an overly distracted draw to the emotional and sexual aspect of relationships is why our culture/nation is so shallow and brittle.
But me in the Lord, I am strong, and I will never, not ever, be in a relationship again where the woman is not committed to Jesus in ways that go beyond church attendance and what meets the eye of her peers. No, I am going to marry a woman that would be faithful to Jesus Christ if she was the only Christian in the world hanging on.
If there isn't a woman like this, then I guess I will just keep hanging on.
Romans 12:9
Ah yes, the "waiting on the Lord" excuse. Actually, an excuse is a bad word for it. I think I admire that they want to be led by the Spirit and that they want to do it right. Yes, it is definitely frustrating to sit around (if that is your definition of waiting) but I think we should be proactive too, which means for the girls... make yourselves a little more available and let them know you're interested. Once guys know you're interested, they start making their move.
But the idea of a guy waiting and praying for you... I'm sorry but am I the only one who finds that romantic? :D
"waiting on the Lord"also means "it's not you, it's me","we can still be friends", and a mess of other trivial.
My man of God cut in on friend of his who I was having a cup of coffee with. He asked me out with in that first hour.
We are marred now, men of God can very aggressive when they want to be.
I only ever wanted to date a Christian man. The first Christian I tried to go out with did not like me and only wanted to be my friend (we were never girlfriend/ boyfriend). The 2nd Christian man I dated I ended up marrying! I met my future husband at 17, got engaged at 18, and married at 19. I am turning 22 this year. I've almost been married 3 years but no kids yet. I always thought I would wait at least 2 years to have kids, but it's turned out to be more. Your plans will change when you meet the right person. You don't have to have a long dating period or engagement if you find the right person early on. I figure if they are a man of God and you both love each other, there is no need to say 'sorry I can't get married for 2 years'. Some churches have rules about the length of engagement. However after meeting my man it only took us about a year to get married.
-Heidi
I have used the courtship method once, having read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Say Hello to Courtship. Nothing came out of the attempt. Many of my friends have gotten married using the courtship method. Some of them have married young, at nineteen. However, the courtship seems to only work when both families are already acquaintances. What happens if the parents are totally repelled by the thought of their daughter developing any kind of relationship, especially if the parents don't know the guy?
I'm still really young at eighteen, but I have to consider dating v. courtship, Christian guys, parental approval, etc. I understand what you mean by being in between Sex and the City and I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
Christian men are acting the same as they would if they were atheists, or agnostics, or pagans. I've found that the most basic personality traits are rationalized by whatever someone uses to rationalize their life.
TrunThePaige's husband is a Christian who was aggressive in his pursuit of a woman. Had he converted to Islam a year before, he would still be an aggressive person.
If you've experienced more passive, boring Christian men, though, and my assessment is at least partly correct, what does that say of the mindset of those who choose to be Christians?
Ultimately, what I say (or anyone else, frankly) is irrelevant. It's two in the morning and I am drunk. What do I know of dating Christian men? Very little.
Love is Love is Love, is Love. The right man might be a Satanist. You'll never know until you find him. Or her! Who knows?
(Find someone who's religion involves tantric sex. Just sayin')
I have one of those life plans too.
It goes like this: go to college for three years, go on a mission for the lord for 1 1/2 years, come back, finish school get married (or at least engaged) by age 24, start a family, space the 5 kids about a year (or two) apart, teach, send children to college, have grandchildren, spend the remainder of my life happily with my beloved husband, and die around 80.
Thankfully I'm still 18, so I'm doing alright.