Sunday, 13 July 2008
-
The Bible says: Obey Your Parents...even when it comes to your wedding?
When it comes to wedding planning, Mr. Plumeria has given me full reigns of everything. It makes things so much
easier. Since he's been really busy with work and other things, I've taken it upon myself to plan a simple, within the budget, yet elegant wedding. Whenever I have an idea or suggestion, I run it through with him and he usually says, "oh, that's a good idea" or "whatever you think is best." I wish he'll be in this agreeing mode all the time even after we get married. :) Lucky for me Mr. Plumeria has been so pleasant during this process. However, I'm not so lucky when it comes to Mama Plumeria. Usually when I have an idea and I run it through my mom, her initial answer is NO. Here's a conversation that we had early in the planning process:Plumeria: I think I want our wedding colors to be purple and yellow. Mom, what do you think?
Mom: PURPLE? NO!! That's like death colors. In Korea, it's like the color for funerals.
Plumeria: Oh. But purple could be really pretty if I pick the right shade and yellow is so bright and happy.
Mom: NO. Do pink instead. Everyone does pink. Pink is for wedding.
Plumeria: Oh. I don't want to do pink. EVERYONE DOES PINK! I want purple.
Mom: NO PURPLE OK! NO PURPLE.
Plumeria: Oh. Ok...And here's a more recent one:
Plumeria: Mom, what do you think of having O (Age 3) and C (18 months) as my ring boys since they're family. (O and C are my cousins' kids and they're the only babies in my family.) We don't have any girl kids/toddlers/babies in our family, so what if we just do 2 boys? They're so cute!
Mom: NO. Two boys??? That's not right! You need a girl! I'll find you a girl.
Plumeria: Oh. NO! I don't know any girls that I like and it's too much work to find one and have to coordinate with them if they're not family.
Mom: I'll find you a girl.
Plumeria: Oh. Nevermind then. No ring boy or flower girl then!It's been a stressful time. I've pulled out the "It's my wedding, not yours! I'm going to do what I want!" card many times. And afterwards, I've felt terrible for yelling at her and being selfish. I know the Bible say to obey our parents, but does it mean I have to listen to them about every wedding decision? In Mr. Oak's post, he said that we should try to understand the intention behind what they say and that they only want the best for us. I do believe that my mom wants me to have a beautiful wedding, but where do I draw the line?
What would you do?
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (57)
You remember that at the end of the day, you and Mr. Plumeria will be husband and wife, whether you have daisys or lillies in your bouqet. It just won't matter honestly. So keep it simple, don't stress and look forward to your *marriage* not just your wedding.
If the parents won't agree with you on anything, pay for it yourself and do what you want. It's not dishonoring them to do it that way. It's not worth it to be angry with your family over one day, and that's all a wedding is - it's one day. Your family is a lifetime of relationships. Your marriage is a lifetime committment. Your wedding is a short, small ceremony in the scheme of things.
I'd try and compromise. For example, with the purple/yellow thing, I would've made something else pink in the wedding, like maybe some desserts or accents on the decorating. with the ringboy/flower girl debate, you could have her try and find a girl, but have the two boys AND the girl help with the duties...etc. Be willing to hear her out and use her ideas but in the end, continue to remind her it IS your wedding, and you do deserve a day you'll enjoy, but you're more than willing to hear her suggestions/what she has to say. But don't forget to let little things go, too. But if she starts pulling off like "delay the wedding 6 months and go to the motherland for the ceremony..." or anything outright ridiculous, put your foot down. but if it's like ribbon cuts or color or drinks to be served, let her help and get a few wins. I bet she really enjoys helping you guys, which is what matters, and I personally think having her be part of the process with you guys is "obeying your parents", as I know many angry brides/grooms who ditch the parents early on in the planning process.
good luck :)
i would tell my mom that its at this time in my life that she will have to bug off for the majority of decisions that have to be made within my life... but thats just me. =)
I think your wedding is a step you take as an adult, meaning you should be able to make your own decisions. If they are paying, it's a little bit stickier.
It sounds to me like your mom is being a little bit passive aggressive and trying to control you because it's hard for to let you go and take this step. Would you be able to talk to her about the feelings she may be having about you getting married? Maybe she's showing her difficult feelings about losing you by being hard to deal with.
I think that planning your wedding is your call and is a an adult decision, but it's your choice on how militant you want to be. It's not worth fracturing family relationships completely; however, it might be worth momentary conflict to get what you want.
it is essentially your call and your call alone... seeing how it is your wedding... it is your choice...
all people can do is provide input and suggestions... it does need to meet YOUR approval... cuz you're getting married... not them... even if it is your parents...
take it into account what is suggested... pray about it there... but more or less... u make the choice... and let everyone either enjoy your choices... or pout and blow a hissy fit with neglecting theirs...
besides... a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of a union... not vainglorious dispute about colors and materials...
I would strongly suggest that the Bible does not encourage blind obedience to one's parents and that that is not a way to honor them. But I definitely appreciate your heart in questioning your responsibilities to them.
I'd suggest, explain to your mother why you want things the way you want them (and not her's), as I'm sure you are. If she still disagrees, consider her wisdom. Listening and thinking about her suggestions is honoring her!
If you still don't agree, do what you think is best. God did not create automatons. He created a variety of personalities and tastes for a reason. It's not a sin to express your's, if you do it in a way that honors Him. I do not believe shutting off our reason and affinities in order to obey the seemingly infallible edicts of parents (as some well-meaning christians seem to teach) honors Him or them.
In all the versions of the Bible I have, it does not say OBEY ... It says HONOR ... UH.... Reverance would be another word for Honor.. Yes, you should obey your parents as long as you are under their authority, just as you should obey the laws of the country/state/city etc.
I don't know how close you and your mother are, or how controlling a person she is or what the situation is... But she is your mother, and if you can come to a mutual agreement great. Would she disown you if you did it your way?
Well, is she paying for it? If she is, I would think she has a say, but she shouldn't tell you what to do, you should do what you want. Your mom had her own wedding. I would acknowledge her advice but not necessarily take it. I think 2 ring boys is fine if you can't find a girl. And purple rocks! I want lilac and pastel green for my colors.
I don't think the commandment "children obey your parents" was meant to keep people under their parents' thumbs their entire lives. What about parents who expect their grown offspring to follow a career path they don't find fulfilling? At some point, it's your life, not your parents. I think that verse is more for kids.
Once you have your own husband and/or family to take care of, obeying your parents is out--that's pretty much for when you're young and need guidance. Let your mom know that you're considering her ideas, but don't do them if you don't want to. My mom's wedding was ruined by her step-mother, who took over everything. Your wedding is a day to represent the union between you and your husband, and in that should be the essence of YOU and YOUR HUSBAND, not your mom. Besides, if you don't stand up against her now, what's going to stop her from interfering for the rest of your marriage, too?
P.S. I love the idea of two ring boys--one for bride and one for groom! I've seen it in a wedding before and it was adorable. :)
If the daddy-o is giving you the okay on things, then I think informing Mom (politely) about your decisions - as opposed to asking her opinion - would be the best way to approach it.
And if that fails, perhaps ask said dad to be mediator.
As for obedience...if you are still under their roof, using their funds for the wedding, then they are due a certain respect and deference. I wouldn't say obedience - as you are already pledged to marry someone, as an adult. But parents are due respect and honor no matter what stage of life you are in.
It's so tough trying to honor your parents when you're not exactly feeling honored by them in return.
I'm nearing my 2nd anniversary. I remember overcoming some of the parental suggestions that didn't appeal to me by quoting my wedding planning guide...somehow, they respected the printed word of an "expert" in the field of wedding planning. My MIL wanted us to have the ring bearer be a 3yr old kid recently adopted into their side of the family. I'd never met his mom, let alone him. I wanted it to be filled with loved ones, not strangers I still had to get to know. And little ones can really throw the ceremony for a loop, so I just quoted the planning book that said you shouldn't pick a kid under 5. They're just too unpredicatble and that increases the stress level of the day.
You should read Ephesians chapter 6. In it, Paul explains that children should not just honor their parents, but that parents should not exasperate their children (6:4). Your parents need to not exasperate you just as you are to be honoring them. The Bible gives a great deal of advice to parents on the subject of treating children properly, as well as giving advice to children on the issue of how to respect their parents.
Remember that what colors you used will not be important 10 years from now. Personally, I'd be more upset that my parent was trying to micromanage me when I'm clearly old enough to make my own decisions. Just tell your mother that you're really distressed, and ask her if it really matters to her that you want a specific color. Remind her that this day is about you - and your fiance - and it's designed to just be a celebration of family, live, love, and union. Ultimately, following specific tradition to a t won't make everyone happier, it won't make your marriage more stable, and it won't change the way everyone feels about the event. Try to keep the focus on the feelings and symbolism there, not the small details. I know you have to plan small details with her, but try letting some things go, and asking her to do the same.
It's probably more likely that your mother is terrified of you going through this change, and she doesn't want to lose her little girl. All parents see their children as needing guidance and protection, even as adults. Obviously, you do need guidance and protection, but it's not always your parents who are the best source. It's a human limitation that's hard for them to accept.
Biblically, I think you should obey your parents when they tell you something important. What color to wear on Tuesday or which small children to have in your wedding party is not important. What they think of your fiance, or whether to take that new job, is important, but at the end of the day, you have to realize that they're still human, and they make mistakes, too.
The Bible doesn't say OBEY your parents as I recall the commandments they say HONOR your parents. Respect them. Sometimes obedience is wrong. Like if your parents told you to hurt someone or go against your walk with Christ. Remember also that parents are supposed to not exasperate their children either.
Draw the line where you want to. If it feels like she's stomping on you then you should approach her with graciousness and firmness. Stand up for yourself. How can you become the supportive wife, mother, and matron of your own home if you cannot stand up for yourself & your feelings? or know your own boundaries?
YOUR wedding, YOUR big day. Not hers. She should realize that. I think you should do whatever you like no matter what anybody has to say. If they don't like it, nobody is making them go. Plain and simple. Stick to your guns, girl!
Oh lordy. Not that kind of mother.... first I have to ask, who is paying for the wedding? If your parents are offering help, then they do have some say so in the matter,unfortunately. If you and Mr.Plumeria are the sole financers, then I say forget them! I really lucked out with my mother in that she let me choose everything for the looks and feel of the wedding, but then she added to it. I told her what colors and kinds of flowers I wanted, and she helped me pick the arrangements and added to them to make them more elegant. She added a lot of extra ambiance that I thought was an unnecessary expense, but if she was willing to pay for them I wouldn't argue with. Keep us posted and good luck!!
Oh I'd like to add though that you should stick with your guns about things like colors and ring boys- who cares what she says about that? My thing with them having a say in the matters has everything to do with BUDGET- what you are spending the money on and what you will get out of it. No matter who is financing the wedding, all the freebee stuff should still come from you- the colors, the wedding party, etc. My mother in law told my husband's 2 cousins whom i couldn't stand that they could be in my wedding and that nothing I could do or say would change it. Rather than have a huge argument about it I sucked it up and had 8 frickin bridesmaids, which is "no big deal" since my mother in law had 13 bridesmaids. She's been divorced for over 10 years. HA!
I would say that it is your wedding, so you should do it how you would like it. I mean, after all, it's probably the biggest day of your entire lives (hopefully only once) and you want it to be remembered in a way that you would love it to be remembered.
I know that some Asian parents will lie just so they would have their way. My parents sometimes lied to me and my brother when we were little. My friend's mom lied to her saying Chinese blood is different from Caucasian blood so she can't donate blood. I mean, it's just a thought. Although it could be true about purple meaning death in Korea, but I just can't see it like that. *shrugs*
Pray for wisdom.... that is what I would do..... would you like me to do it for you too?
I'm thinking that she wants it to be a special day and all but you're going to have to sit down with her and let you know how you feel - like you're planning her wedding more than you are planning your own. Tell her that she will have plenty to do with your wedding and all the help is appreciated, but you know what you would like for just this one day. Failure to talk it out will result in similar issues throughout your marriage in matters of discipline and spoiling of kids, etc. You might try role reversal and say no to all her suggestions and put in your ideas.
If you understood ALL of the spiritual, and biblical symbolisim and significamce behind marriag u wouldn't even b focusing on that stuff.
Besides, if u don't want to know what ur mom thinks...don't ask.
The bible says "children obey your parents" and you are no longer a
child. for adults, for "decendants" it simply instructs us to "honor
your parents."
• • •
In a more practical sense, who's paying? If she's helping to pay, her desire to help decide is more deserved.