by
revelife crew 
On
mrs violet's post,
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby, GodlessLiberal commented with this question:
Lately, I've been noticing that many of my Christian friends who are adamant
about the whole "no sex before marriage" aspect of their faith seem to be
rushing into marriage. Now, I haven't had the courage to ask them, but do you
think that the anticipation of sex could be a deciding factor in getting married
and/or moving up the wedding date?
So, is the desire to consummate their relationship a legitimate reason for a Christian couple get married early/have a short engagement?
For the singletons: do you ever feel pressure from the Christian community to get married (if not early, then ever.) If so, do you think this pressure based more on social/spiritual factors, or is there an aspect of it that involves purity?
Comments (56)
Well, the Bible says that is is better to marry than to burn with passion, so I think that is is ONE legitimate reason, though on the priority list, it probably should be closer to the bottom then some other things.
Well... I did it all wrong!
I was married at 21 because I was pregnant!
If my children want to get married young, I would be ok with that. The only thing I would STRONGLY recommend is some really solid pre-marriage counseling. The type that deals with the real issues of life, like money, children, family backgrounds etc and really make you think about how you will handle those things before you are married.
I think this would be a great way of telling motives!
In lots of ways I really liked being married young. It does take the pressure off on many levels and as somebody else said somewhere this week, you grow up together. I have really enjoyed doing this with my hubby!
x
I have observed a certain pattern in Christian dating relationships, especially in the United States. It is pointless to deny that it has become a "trend" for young couples to get engaged after going out only for one year, and then get married the next year. As a result, I have now mastered prediciting my American friends's engagement and wedding dates, i never get surpirsed when they announce it.
I did get the impression that most young couples get married bcos they want to have sex within the socially accepted boundaries; however it is possible that a minority have other, more mature reasons. I would like to maintain the opinion that only one or two year or even less is simply not enough to get to know each other properly. When passion is burning on the highest intensity and you are still looking at your partner thru rose coloured spectacles it is easy to make haphazard decisions and go into marriage unprepared. "Marry at haste, repent at pleasure".
Unfortunately, a lot of young couples do not realise that love and passion are purely not enough for a successful marriage, you do need to be prepared financially as well, just to mention an important factor. (Partly this is why i think that it is way too early to get married at 18... )
I know a lot of couples who got married way too early, way too young and now i can listen to their complaints about struggling to pay bills, not being able to afford proper housing, employment problems etc. and this is obviously poisoning their relationship.
hmm... i've wondered if christoian people are just getting married to have sex..
My hubby and I courted for about a year before getting engaged. The whole point of our relationship, and we were very clear about this with each other from the start, was to see if we were compatible for marriage. For us, God showed us pretty quickly that we were meant to be married. I never felt that anxiety about dating him, the worry about possibly being dumped out of the blue, or the fear that maybe he wasn't the right one - it was clear early on. We spent the rest of our time dating talking about roles in marriage, expectations, and just getting to know each other and having a fun relationship (not *that* kind of fun!). When we got engaged and finished our counseling, we still had months left. The longer we had left, the bigger our wedding was getting and we didn't want that. So we simplified it and moved the date up (plus my husband was in a car accident that he should have been seriously injured in, but walked away from and we decided that we wanted to skip all of the extra crap and just get married). It wasn't about "lets get married so we can have sex." Although his mother accused me of being pregnant - two and a half years later I actually got the positive test!! That's a long pregnancy. lol Anyway, we knew we were meant to be husband and wife, so we got married sooner than we had originally planned.
Is that for everybody? No. Did it work for us? Yes. Do people get married so they can just have sex? Probably. Is it OK for me to look at a couple and decide that is their motive? Absolutely not.
I've always thought this and it was proven when my fiance's younger sister got engaged AFTER us... and had to have her wedding BEFORE us.
I'm pretty sure it was about the sex. And when they were leaving the reception... a lot of her friends were saying, "now you can go have SEX!"
Talk about classy christians!
@trunthepaige@xanga - Bullsye! Maybve why evangelicals have a higher divorce rate than secular culture-taking their advice from Oprah, Dr. Phil or James Dobson, instead of Scripture.
In answer to the question, scripture prescribes that you get married if you can not control your passion, it is upfront and realistic and does not over-spiritualize the reality of the human (and pubescent) condition or say you are evil for having that passion-rather that you would be wise to marry.
Perhaps young people are thumbing their nose at the worldly advice their parents are giving them and taking God's advice-marry. Didnt notice that passage saying once you finish college or are settled in your career either. How many parents are going to be held to account for telling their children to wait, when that was not their gift.
I know it wasn't my gift......
Paul tells us:
"But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The
wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In
the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also
to his wife. Do not
deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you
may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan
will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife."
Sure doesn't sound like contemporary christian advice. I did a post that I hope offended some people this week,
"It is a pity when the world has to tell the church to find God !" based on a article run in the Telegraph , Isn’t it time the Church found God?Sex is certainly important, but even in Christian circles the extreme over emphasis on it is extremely alarming. When I hear about how some people act in the sexual realm it makes me wonder if we are not indeed descended of apes as it is more animal like than human, at least IMHO.
Marriage is SO MUCH more than sex. And ask yourself, would you want to spend the rest of your life with your intended if for some reason sex were not possible?
I do happen to know of a young Christian couple who moved up their wedding date as the groom was too "hot to trot", so to speak.
As far as "short" engagements, I don't have a problem with that, the ones I do find myself wondering about are the engagements that are like 3 or 4 years long. I was 31 when I finally got married and we were married one year to the day from our first date. That was over 21 years ago. We didn't see the point of waiting or dragging it out.
Yeah, having sex is definitely a motivating factor in how long some Christian couples are engaged. Not all, cause I have a friend who's short engagement is due to life circumstances. But most. Then again, the definitions of sexual interactions are stretched, even on my Christian college campus. I've seen people on campus come about as close to sex as you can with clothes on, in plain sight. But that's another story. As for your second question, as a single, I do feel a pressure to get married. Especially (again) going to a Christian school. The saying "a ring by spring" isn't all that far off in a lot of cases. And it makes those of us who haven't found that person feel inadequate, on a fairly regular basis.
I'm sure the reasoning is different for everyone.
All of these comments have been fascinating reading.
As a guy who is almost 18, still a virgin, and has never dated, I find these comments by Kristenmomof3 and IamKellyK particularly encouraging:
You just need to make sure the person you plan to marry is the person God wants you to and that you keep God in the center of your marriage.
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The whole point of our relationship, and we were very clear about this with each other from the start, was to see if we were compatible for marriage.
Wow, I feel honored to have a post based on me. I'd offer my views on the subject but... well, they're kind of in the main post.
Long engagements--I've never liked the idea of it.
If you've been with someone for 5 years, have moved in, are completely in love...then why wait a year to get married? Just to show off the ring?
When I get engaged...things will move quickly...not because of the honeymoon experience...but because if we're engaged, and love each other...why would you wait?
@leadworshipper82 - I don't think it's a matter of NEEDING counseling. Most churches I have been to REQUIRE the counseling no matter what. Just a thought.
I have no real experience in the matter, having only dated seriously once. (I ended it when I realized that although the idea of getting to have sex was a thrilling one, it was more important to me that I be able to go through life with him, and I just couldn't stand to do that.) I am writing regarding friends I know who recently moved the date of their wedding up a full year.
When they first got engaged (almost a year ago), they were going to wait two years to get married because she felt it would be difficult to go through her first year of intensive grad school and first year of marriage at the same time. Together, they had decided to wait that long to get married. At the time, I thought, woah, that's difficult to wait! And people around me said they thought it was unwise to have such a long engagement because they might "slip" and make a mistake.
When I heard that they had moved up the wedding date for this summer, the bride-to-be explained that when she determined her housing cost for grad school, it was economically better for them to be married sooner.
That's not the first couple I met who decided it would be economically better to live together, and if they were going to do that, they had better be married!
I don't remember who said it, but there was one man who had a three month engagement, but he had dated his now-wife for two years and knew her even before then. I'm of the same mind as him. The length of the engagement has little importance, as long as the wedding can be planned in time!
There has to be enough time spent (before engagement) on getting to know the person in many circumstances. How does your significant other treat members of the opposite sex? How does (s)he treat parents and siblings? How does (s)he deal with stress? Money? Time? Kids? Marriage can bring out the best, but also the worst in people. Emotions run high. So does stress. You've got to live life with this person for the rest of your life. Sex isn't everything in a marriage. Yes, it's crucial to a healthy marriage. But even sex is going to change as you get older. There are certainly ways to enjoy intimacy without having sex.
I'm done rambling now!
I personally want a short engagement. I feel that if I am sure I want to get married (which I hope I would be if I was saying yes to a proposal) then, well, I would want to get married as soon as possible. We're already ready, so...
I do not want to be proposed to if the guy is not 150% sure. I do not want to say yes if I am not 150% sure. Therefore, I would want a short engagement, because then we are ready to be married. We want to be married. We want to experience that. I say 6 months to one year. But, 6 months is perfect.
Yes, I want to have sex, but that doesn't mean I will rush into marriage or anything for it. It doesn't have an impact on my decision. If I am not in love and very sure about spending the rest of my life with a guy who proposes, I will say so and not rush into anything just because I could have sex. That's silly.
OF COURSE IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!
the logic makes no sense. sexual desire is probably the first thing about a relationship that goes down the tube, and then what are you left with? sorry, but if sex is the only thing driving you to get married ASAP, your marriage is gonna fail hard. would you recommend the same thing to a non-Christian couple who are waiting for whatever reason?
i'd rather see someone have pre-marital sex and eventually get married in a healthy, normal way....... than get married because they just can't wait, and end up divorced a few years later.
My husband and I started seeing eachother in January and were married the following December. BUT we were friends for 16 years before that, we grew up together and spent pretty much every day of our childhood together. Our engagment was 6 months long and WAAAY to long for us. Our decision to get married was because we were ready to move forward together into the next stage of life. Getting to have sex was a perk but not the focus of our relationship.
I personally wouldn't be too thrilled if our daughter (6mo) were to do this with a person she just met. But I also understand that sometimes God just makes things clear, and to move onto the next thing He's called you to you need to get married.
I think family has to be an important part of this, if every one involved has a peace about the union go for it...If friends and mentors have some red flags WAIT until there is a peace..The divorce rate is way too high.
Yes it's about sex.
Which is a big reason why Christian divorce rate is so much higher.
if we look at marriage through the lens of God's glory... i think we can cut the divorce rate down to 0...
due in part because if we as selfish humans surrender our desires for the sake of God's glory in our marriages... imagine the power and the glory God would receive from such blessed ideals...
a husband who will lay his life down for his wife and kids just the way JESUS laid His own life down for His church...
the way a wife will support, submit, and follow her husband the way the Church is supposed to obey Jesus...
goodness... imagine the power and the brightness of the Glory of the Lord...
that's how the world will know God is God...
Definitely, a purity factor comes to play to rush to the altar unless some people are crazy enough to marry in Vegas for a quick fix of surge of emotions...
I think if the couple is engaged to be married, a short engagement is harmless because both of them have promised their lives to each other... I think it depends for the individual but I see no problem.
reading all this makes me sad... and it makes me wonder if I'm ever going to be ready to go back to church.. I remember these silly dilemmas completely taking over my life and I'll be honest--I don't miss it.
@jrod81685@xanga - yes. that is exactly what i was thinking when i read this post.
my husband and i had a five month engagement but it would have been shorter if i hadn't been in the middle of a semester.
My fiance's mother is a very conservative Christian. She believes in no sex before marriage, and desperately wants Corey and I to marry by the end of the year. However, Corey and I are in no rush, and really don't want to marry for another four or five years (totally personal choice).
She actually tried to use the sex thing as a form of leverage. We just shook our heads.
I do know quite a few couples who have married young to have sex after, and I find it sad.