by
revelife crew 
On
mrs violet's post,
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby, GodlessLiberal commented with this question:
Lately, I've been noticing that many of my Christian friends who are adamant
about the whole "no sex before marriage" aspect of their faith seem to be
rushing into marriage. Now, I haven't had the courage to ask them, but do you
think that the anticipation of sex could be a deciding factor in getting married
and/or moving up the wedding date?
So, is the desire to consummate their relationship a legitimate reason for a Christian couple get married early/have a short engagement?
For the singletons: do you ever feel pressure from the Christian community to get married (if not early, then ever.) If so, do you think this pressure based more on social/spiritual factors, or is there an aspect of it that involves purity?
Comments (56)
tomorrow my husband and I are celebrating yet another anniversary.
When we got married I was 18 and He was 21. Since then we have had three children. We grow closer each day. He is truely my other half. God has joined us together until death do us part.
I thank God for such a wonderful godly husband.
I see nothing wrong with a shortish engagement period or getting married young.
You just need to make sure the person you plan to marry is the person God wants you to and that you keep God in the center of your marriage.
honestly, I've thought that the fact that the Christian divorce rate is actually slightly higher than the non-Christian is a reflection of precisely this phenomenon for a long time. I, I regret to say, did not save myself for marriage, but I still got married at 19, so it's not the case for all people, but I also had a friend who called me up about a year ago, and the following conversation occurred:
Him: Hey buddy, guess what?
Me: What?
Him: I'm engaged!!!
Me: Dude! That's awesome!
Him: You know what that means...
Me: Yeah, you're getting married.
Him: yeah... AND...
Me: You... get to wear a tux?
Him: I'm gonna have SEX!!!
...so yeah, I'd say some people do think like that.
I have been wondering the same thing.My christian friends have been the first to get married and at very young ages.I also hear some of my christian friends who aren't married say that they would like to get married as soon as possible so they can finally enjoy sex with their partners.I guess sex does play a huge part in the decision.
This seems to be the case with several of my Christian friends, but they also say they love each other very much. From an outside point of view, yeah they do, but a lot of them said they wanted to get married sooner so they could have sex and not be looked down upon.
Yes, I definitely think sex is a reason young Christians get married quickly. And yes, as a single person Christian I often felt pressure to get married. (I'm still a single Christian but don't feel the same pressure because my faith community has changed greatly.) I think a large amount of it has to do with purity - it reduces the risk that young people would be having sex before marriage - and some of it has to do with culture. Many Christian communities are very family-centric. I know from experience that it's difficult to be a young, unmarried adult in the church - there is less of a place for that after a certain age.
But I also think that, that certainly is not the only reason people get married young. I just don't want people to forget that.
It's certainly not the only reason young people get married, but I have seen several Christian friends of mine that deliberately kept a short engagement so that they could get to the "main event". :(
my whole basis for marriage first and foremost... to bring the Image of God into the world as the full picture of Christ and His church...
second... to honor God by loving wholeheartedly my wife with fervor, passion, honor... and headship...
but i'll also be honest... i'm gonna have a short engagement why? lemme put it this way in a hypothetical context... i love this girl, I WANT this girl, God has designed a relationship wherein I can have this girl... IN RIGHTEOUSNESS AND HOLINESS... but a long-term engagement is like going shopping w/o any money, either i'll eave frustrated or take somethin that don't belong to me... ppl who have long engagements... just not right... why because other ppl are asking such individuals to be stronger than Samson, wiser than Solomon, and Godlier than David... and all 3 fell into sexual immorality...
short-term engagement to me is 6 months... i don't like listening to the norms of people in both the secular and in the Christian community... both are flawed in their opinions.... and such are worth ignoring...
and i for one wanna get married as fast as I can... mainly because... i'm not gettin any younger... and I don't have pressure... i guess i pressue myself... ha ha
If a man and a woman decide to marry so that they can have sex, I don't see how the marriage is going to last. Marriage is meant to consecrate to God the love a man and a woman have for each other, that God may enter into that love and they may enter into the love of God. Not only do the man and woman become "one flesh" with each other but, really, they enter into the "flesh" of God.
Sex is a servant of love. A servant. Sex is not the same as love, is not a substitute, is not greater than. Sex without love is not true sex but is a lie told with the body. Love can exist without sex, certainly, and there are times in a marriage when sex is not a possibility.
But if sex is the chief factor in marriage coming to pass in the first place, how is this really a marriage? Isn't it just a church giving them a permission slip to have sinless sex? Understandibly the pressure for sex is immense, and I cannot comprehend the pressure and tension between two people very much in love with each other who are mere months from their wedding vows.
It seems to me, however, that if the other person is worth spending the rest of your life with, then you can make it an extra few months. If you can't, perhaps instead of making it "easier to bear" by moving up the date, you should move it back? Perhaps the pressure the two people feel should be examined and released not sexually sooner, but thoughtfuly, lovingly and prayerfully later. Marriage is a huge thing. HUGE. Forever. Life-binding in the love of God. What's the rush? This is your LIFE! Pushing a wedding back in order to examine something that might affect the REST OF YOUR LIFE is not only a way of loving your fianceé or loving yourself, but also a way of loving God, which is what marriage is really all about.
It's possible there is a correlation. I, personally, have never felt pressure to get married early (though I would prefer to have it done before the age of 29 or 30). I've already had sex, it was in college and I felt ready and continue to do so with my boyfriend. I don't regret it and I don't think I ever will. It's sad if some marriages were made simply so they could boink without God 'supposedly' being pissed off about it. In my opinion, if you're going to be THAT adament about waiting, then respect yourself, your partner, and the relationship you both share and just, seriously, WAIT!
Well duh! We are told no sex until marriage. We are them told that being marred young is a bad idea.
Physiologically we are ready for sex at about 14 or younger. By 20 years old we are about to go out of our minds with sexual desire. Yet we are still told that 20 is too young.
My engagement was only 3 months long for a damn good reason. He was a virgin I was not and we were both going to explode.
The real choice, for the vast majority, is ether marry young or fornicate. A rare few, ether have extreem will power, or a lower than normal sex drive
If Christians did rush marriage to have sex then that isn't right. For me,I would want to get know the person I'm dating before rushing to the alter. I'm not say waiting two years or more to get married but enough time for the Lord to draw each of you closer together and closer to the Lord through your courtship.
I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people getting married in my life!!!! I think that ever situation is different and there is no set defined way to do things. That being said, I don't think people should rush to get married for ANY reason. Still, every situation is different.
Scripture does say though it's better to marry than burn with lust and passion... so... i mean just playing devil's advocate (pardon the phrase)
I notice that many here are saying, wait, take it slow, let the lord draw you together, and other such phrases. That sounds very Christian, but strangely the scriptures give no such advice.
What is being said here is mostly advice from a modern secular culture. With a bit of abstinence thrown in for good luck. Not that very many will really stay abstinent, if they chose to wait a long time before marrying. As this culture of ours says we should do.
@leadworshipper82 - I gotta ask, what kind of a wedding are you planning on having, because to be quite honest, it takes a special kind of woman to plan a wedding in six months, and if you are planning on getting married by a pastor in a church, then most require several months of counseling before they will agree to marry the couple. In other words, I would wait until you meet "the one" to make decisions like that...
Now that I have that off my chest, I guess I can answer the original question. Do Christians rush into marriage and/or get married really young just to have sex? Some yes, others no. I'll summarize here what I said on the other post. Non-Christians don't know what its like to be in a Christian relationship. The two are inherently different. While some non-Christians will wait till marriage to have sex, they still don't know what its like to be in a Godly Christian relationship, so to say you have some insight into that is completely ludacris. How do I know this, and where do I get off saying this? I've been in both kinds of relationships, and I'm sure anyone who has had the same or similar experience I have can testify to that.
As for the whole being pressured into getting married, I would have to say it differs from area to area, and even from church to church. While the church is family oriented, it doesn't mean that evangelical Christians are being pressured the world over to marry young. At least at my church, we are encouraged to wait until we are ready to get married, simply because the divorce rate is so high within the church. Most of the pastors at my church will not marry you unless you have been dating for at least a year and a couple of months of intensive premarital counseling is required by the church before you can get married there.
If churches are pressuring young adults to get married before they are ready then I think its despicable, and they have no right to complain about the divorce rate within the church. Marriage is a HUGE commitment, and I'm sorry, but MOST 18-early 20 somethings are not prepared to make that kind of decision. Some are, but not most of them. I know this comment may offend some people, but before you quickly spit out an angry retort, I would encourage you to look at the divorce rate in your own church. Dig a little deeper and find out the age demographic of the divorcees. Many of them are probably younger (20-35), and probably got married shortly after graduating from high school (within 1-3 years).
Having been married two months after a three month engagement, yes, it is a factor. Is there a problem with short engagements? No. Nothing should change between going from one ring to two. At engagement, there has already been a pledge to spend the rest of your life with someone.
The problem arises in short courtships, overall. My wife and I dated for almost two years before getting engaged and knew each other well for a year and a half before dating. People who know each other for less than a year and get married are not necessarily being wise about things.
Of course the desire to have sex plays a part. My wife and I really wanted to move things up as soon as possible, not least because we wanted to have sex. But there is no real reason for long engagements, so I don't see that as a problem.
We're in a screwed up culture, where the siren call of sex sex sex is almost impossible to ignore, and it is definitely a factor in a SMALL segment of Christians rushing to the altar. I don't think it's that common an occurence...but two virgins marrying isn't that common anymore, either.
But against that we have the mass of American (not sure how the rest of the world is going) people growing up and asking questions like "what number of previous partners is too many for a partner?"
Has it always been this way? I don't know. I know that Paul had to talk to the Corinthians about this - and I've heard Corinth compared to Las Vegas, Amsterdam, and parts of Thailand.
I have a friend that goes to a small, christian college and she has told me that many of her friends have been rushing through relationships and planning marriages. I think their mindset is that once they graduate college, they won't be able to find these kinds of christians back in the "real world". =\
@lizheartshakespeare - well... consider the notion that i'm not talking about a hollywood multi-million dollar wedding and a multi-billion dollar reception.... my thoughts are invite everyone to the ceremony... w/ homemade decor... then spend about 10 grand on the reception then after dinner is served and people are sitting back in their chairs letting the food digest... anyone and everyone can come and hit the dance floor...
but...
for the most part... the thing is this... we let God work out the details... counseling really won't be needed too much if we both are open and honest upfront... not to mention considering the notion that I have a Biblical mandate to uphold as a man... which makes counseling in my opinion just another prolonging period...
but that's just me... when she comes around, that'll be something we discuss...
and again... this is all my own speculation... so... and this is all just me...
I got married when I did because I wanted to get married, but then again, I had sex before marriage too, oh bad me, but then that was a time in my life when i was not really faith based like I should have been, but because of events in our lives both my husband and I are faith based. Would I have changed the dates of my marriage to later if I could? Not for the life of me. I love my husband dearly and we ARE.
Oh jeez. I go to BYU-Idaho lovingly/jokingly referred to as BYU-I DO by a number of people. One of my friends recently got married at the ripe age of 19. She was very adament about "no sex before marriage/no arousal before marriage". she was engaged for a few months and got married, and now, as sad as it is, i'm waiting for the divorce. She wanted to get married so bad...only for the sexual experience.
Going to school here is difficult. Marriage is a verrrry talked about topic. At least 9 of my friends from the Fall 2007 semester have met someone, been engaged, and was then married before June. Sex is a big determining factor. It's almost sad, I must say.
One of my roommates just got engaged. She met him 3 weeks ago and is planning on being married by September 8.
I'm majoring in marriage/family therapy, and let me just say, getting married between 18 and 20 CAN be hazardous. NOT all the time, but sometimes. My school has the highest marriage rate of any school in the country..but also the highest divorce rate..so what does THAT tell you?
I wish I would have gotten married sooner that 14 months after we got engaged, it was too long. :/
Even if our intentions are on the right path, there'salways going to be that worldy side of us. We will never be truly holy until we finally reach our goal, which is heaven.
So, I understand if people try to set an earlier date for marriage, but that's understandable.
As long as the Love is real and the intentions are good, I don't think there is any problem with it..
:)
@trunthepaige@xanga - That sounds very Christian, but strangely the scriptures give no such advice.
That's correct. In fact, I Corinthians 7:9 says the opposite.
"But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."