I've come a long way with my parents. Basically, I have awesome parents. They made a conscious decision to stop micromanaging my or my sister's lives as we grew into adults. That doesn't mean they don't suggest and direct, but they make it easy to honor them because they don't demand much.

My difficulty with honoring them came when, as a teenager, I realized that they weren't perfect and that part of their imperfection had helped to create major emotional damage in me from my childhood.

I prayed and said basically, "God, how can I honor these people when I'm so angry at them for the things they did to me?" God showed me that it's true that they did some wrong things, but that they could never be perfect anyway. He's the perfect parent, and I can run to Him for the hugs and support I need. I was angry because I thought I had missed out on a happy, trust-filled childhood. Instead, God continues to show me in a million ways that I can be His little girl no matter how old I am and that He will heal the damage.

I am now able to honor my parents for the wonderful things and to let go, day by day, of the negatives. I am very thankful for my mom and dad, and they make it easy to be thankful because they treat me like an adult even though I still live with them.

No doubt my parents wan the best for me...in anything and everything. But what I can't stand is when they want to control! Sometimes I just have to do something myself...in order to actually learn. Learning from another person's example won't always work, sometimes you have to learn the hard way. But at least give me the chance to try something I WANT TO DO -- 'cause it is after all my life. They've had their moments...and now I get to live my life!

I can only speak from personal experience here.

I obeyed my parents until I graduated from high school. After that, they stepped down as authority figures in my life and took their place as my friends. While they continued to offer advice, I no longer obeyed them. To have done so would have dishonored them and they said so. Didn't always make it easy because I did some things that drove Mom nuts! In their last years, I did the best to honor them by being their chauffeur and caregiver, having Dad move in with us after Mom died.

I like to think I did the right things.

so what I've always been confused about is when do children stop being children?  I'm 21 and my mother has said before that she thought that I should obey my parents until I get married....she also thinks that I shouldn't move out until I get married...

anyways, the thing that drives me nuts is that I live in Texas and they live in Kansas (I'm working here for the summer and then going to school in the fall) and my dad STILL will occasionally randomly call me and be like "I need you to do this (insert random errand here)".  granted, I understand that I'm his daughter and I should be willing to do those things (and I am) but he demands it, just assuming that I have nothing else to do and I should be able to drop whatever I have going on to do those things for him.  He also volunteers me to do things for other people that aren't necessary and then he tells me so it's like I can't even really refuse to do it then...I've talked to him about it and he says that he'll try to be more considerate (but his first reaction was that I should be willing to help him out because he's done so much for me).  I told him I am willing to help him out, I just wanted to be treated like a person and given the consideration to be asked.

so what do you think?

@J_Goldens_Shadow@xanga - "Children, obey your parents in the lord, for this is right." Ephesians 6:1

@shedinator@xanga - I think parents have a burden of letting their children go as well. I also think one difficulty is that our culture is so different from the culture of the Bible. Most of us are likely to move out on our own before we get married, which wasn't as likely back then.

@J_Goldens_Shadow@xanga - There are so many "what ifs" that can be applied to that concept.  Please do not take this as me attacking you, but let's just look at two people.

@Christie - I think common sense would say it's when you're an adult. I think it was easier in Bible days because we girls, especially, wouldn't be considered adults until marriage. Now, though, we "grow up" in different ways and on a different timeline.

I honestly believe our parents have a duty to release their hold on us. If they don't and we feel strongly, I think we just have to pray about God's will. I do believe there comes a time when we are free; it's just hard to know when. I would think moving out permanently (not necessarily college if they are still paying) is a fairly reasonable idea of the time when we are released.

Parents' s wishes may not go against God's law directly, but they might go against His will for their child's life, which is also wrong, though less obviously.

This is just hard in a society where we don't have a clear age of moving from child to adult, as many societies did in the past. 

My mother, ever since my sister's car accidents, has been a living, breathing GPS tracker.  She has to know where all her children are at all times.  Now, my siblings and I are not bad my any means.  Yet, whenever I go out (when I am back in Houston), I have to call my mother when I arrive at my destination and when I am leaving the destination, especially at night.  This used to frustrate me tremendously.  I would give her the "I-am-20-years-old-and-can-take-care-of-myself" speech.  In the past year, though, I have grown to understand and appreciate her vigilance.  In fact, I have cried over this because I realized she just cares about me that much ... especially at night when people tend to be crazy on the road.    

good post!

Never, really.  When in their house, especially, my wife and I do whatever they tell us.  If either one of us disagrees with either Mom or Dad, it is okay if we discuss it, but when the decision is made by Mom or Dad, we just do what they tell us to do.  Ditto that for Oma and Haymoni in Korea.

My parents were very involved in my life.  I was the first-born, the studious one, cautious, shy, a daddy's girl.  It wasn't until I was 33 or 34 (a parent myself, on my second marriage) that I realized my parents used emotional blackmail to get me to do what they wanted.  They praised me when I was making what they considered to be the "right" decisions, feeding into my desire to be a "good" daughter.  They played my siblings and I off each other: only one of us was considered the "good" one at any given time.  We all scrambled to be that one.  When I  made a decision they didn't like, I got a lecture about how my "value system" wasn't compatible with the one they had raised my to have. 

I finally saw this relationship for what it was, and flew the coop, so to speak.  I distanced myself emotionally from my parents, stopped letting them involve themselves so much in my family's life, and became my own person for the first time.  It was very difficult, and there were some hard feelings for awhile, but we now have a much more mature relationship and I don't get near as many lectures!  I will always love my parents, and honor their wishes when to do so would be compatible for what's best for my family.