Thursday, 10 July 2008
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When Do You Walk Away From a Friend?
We've all heard the sermons and verses concerning our neighbors and how to treat them once they've hurt you: Love your neighbor, love your enemies, turn the other cheek, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forgive however many number of times, because God forgave us first. Those phrases are basically quotable by now, but I wonder if it's right to ever just cut off all ties with a person. There's a passage in Matthew that says that if your brother sins against you, take it up with him one-on-one, then take it up with witnesses, and then the church, and if that doesn't work, treat him like you would a tax collector. The thing is, how would you apply that today, especially in relationships with non-believers? I can understand taking up a conflict with a trusted third party, but it's not as if you can take it up with a church if that person doesn't even go to church.
All literal interpretations of verses aside, and purely in the sense of discernment, is it Biblical to stop giving someone chances? Like everybody else, I've been hurt before. I once sought the advice of a church leader after I'd determined that it was no longer healthy to have that person in my life. Despite not interacting with that person, however, I still felt unforgiving. The church leader ended up telling me to reconcile with that person, which I didn't do since I honestly believed that maintaining any semblance of a relationship would not result in good things.
I've since contemplated distancing myself from people who meant a lot to me at one point, but whose interactions with me now bring up warning signals in my brain. I feel convicted, as if I should continue keeping the relationship as it is if I truly forgive them...but I don't know if forgiving someone requires that you trust them 100% all over again. Let's say I had a cheating boyfriend, and he came back, begged me for forgiveness, and ended the affair. Say I decided to give him a second chance and took him back again. In that sense, I've forgiven him, but I don't think I would trust him to be alone at parties full of beautiful women from then on.
Then again, how many times have I cheated on God? I've neglected my relationship with Him for a number of things, whether it be friends, guys, grades, or even more time playing games on the internet. There is no reason why He should take me back everytime I hit rock bottom and come crawling back to Him, yet He does - and He does so KNOWING fully that I'm just gonna up and do the same thing again. I'm essentially taking advantage of his blessings, because as soon as things start going well again, I get distracted and forget about God. There is no logical reason why he should answer my prayers.
My question is, do you think we are required to do the same with people, or are there legitimate reasons to just cut them off/distance yourself (far, far, far away)? I'm not talking just random acquaintances here, I mean people who've been with you through thick and thin (and you with them), but for whatever reason, your relationships keeps deteriorating. Do you pray that God will repair it, and then see what happens? Or does God ever make it clear to you that a person He brought into your life is not supposed to stay in it?
Have you ever broken off a friendship/close relationship completely?
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Comments (32)
back in high school... i knew a guy who probably didn't give the best example of Christian brotherhood...
with him... there's a fine line between charitability and grace and plain usury and he was the latter...
to this day... i'm now weary of when people ask me for stuff...
if I give... i'll give out of my own accord to a friend... not if they ask... but more or less yea..
love dictates you forgive... wisdom dictates that you separate for your own growth and maturity...
Two years ago, I would have said yes (as in the example of your hypothetical cheating boyfirend), break things off for good. However, God showed me a while back that sometimes that's not what is best. For example, there was a girl I'd called my best friend for years who I eventually ended up dating. She basically dragged me through the dirt. You name it, it pretty much happened. But God wouldn't let me leave her alone, even though I never wanted to talk to her again and never thought I could trust her. And then she completely changed, and 2 years later... she's my wife. All i'm saying is... let God tell you what to do. He'll show you.. when He wants to ^_^
Sounds like a tough situation, but it seems to me that you are feeling obliged to maintain a friendship, and serving out of obligation kills your heart of love rather than building it up. Also it's not healthy to let people take advantage of you time and time again. I've learned that it is healthy and Godly to have well defined boundaries, otherwise you just become a conductor for the current of other people's crap. Trying to resolve the matter through obligation isn't the heart of the Father because He doesn't believe in obligation at all. Jesus didn't let anything dictate the decisions that He made other than being close and listening to the Father. Even with the pharisees he was cordial and warm to some of them and at other times blasted them.
Hm.. awhile back I cut out about 10 friends. Most of them were guys, but 1 was a girl. She had burned me pretty bad and done a few horrible things, but the cut-off was definitely not out of spite... i was actually not upset with her at all when I cut it off. The thing is.. I realized that she did not bring out the best in me. I want to have friends that build me up and contribute to my well-being...
I hope this helps..
Forgiving them is something you have to do.. keep them in your life.. is always a choice.
I broke off a friendship recently.Hardly can i recover from the pain. Some people make friend with me just intend to take advantage of me from time to time. I made friend with a girl who hurt me most. She made friend with me just want to compete with me. It is unhealthy friendship. Once i got something better than her, she felt angry with me. I tried to ignore her, but, she didn't stop offending me by many ways. i felt very sad. I understand that i may do something wrong and i have to bear part of responsibility.But, it is hard to refresh the relationship between us.
I prayed to God and said that i really want to forget the pain. But, honestly, i can't forget the pain. I have no any power to feel angry with her because i may do something wrong just like her. It is really really hard to completely forgive a man, but, i am learning to do so.
I had a friend once who wasn't very honest with me and some other friends. We gave him chance but he hurt us in many ways and the relationship we had was not a healthy one in that he was harming us more then helping us and we were investing time into someone who didn't really want to change.
In the end we told him this and we called it quits. Every now and then I still say hi if he does, however, I do not involve him in my life as I would have before - neither do the others.
I guess you just have to pray about it and see if that person is willing to hear you out, we might not all get along but we don't want to be in relationships that will bring us harm. It does not mean you hate the person, if that's the reason you want to "cut them off" then that's not a good reason. You have to do it for the best of all parties involved.
I've thought of this before and sometimes, I do think that it's best just to walk away (which is what I did). I suppose it was easier since this was an online relationship, but we were pretty close. After a while, it just got stifling though. There were obvious gaps in compatability, him being non-Christian, me being Christian. It was hard to tell the feeling/intention behind comments (obviously).
A lot of times, I felt like he was downplaying a lot of things that I took seriously by making a joke out of it. Like I'd post something serious on my blog, but then he would post some flippant remark in reply. As this continued, it really got on my nerves. Everyone else who commented would realize that it was something serious - but not him.
In the end, I just stopped talking to him and I would never want to VC with him. Finally, we just got to the "break up" conversation. I don't remember what was said and I don't feel hurt by it. But it's something that I feel was better for happening. We don't talk any more and he was pretty mean about it afterwards (I still visit his blog sometimes). Even so, I know we're both guilty, even if he thinks it's my fault. So for me, it was this obvious incompatability (over time) that I mean... You just can't make every single relationship work. You can try, but you'd kill yourself before every one of them turns into a close relationship.
So yeah... I just check up on him once in a while via his blog, but I never talk to him anymore.
At first, I prayed for patience and all that. Maybe it could have worked if I prayed more and waited longer. But deep down inside, I knew I was resentful and I didn't really want to make it work. So instead of praying for something I didn't want, I just cut it off. Was it the best thing to do? Probably not. But do I regret it? Not really. I think some people just work better away from certain people and he was one of those people for me.
Yes, I have because it was almost like this person had some kind of hold over me. I still care for this friend but I can no longer have any interaction with her. It just gets to the point where you have to say "enough is enough" and sometimes you just have to back away.
I think I really needed to read that. I just sort of ended a 10 year friendship..My best friend and I moved out to Kasas together 4 years ago and then last year my brother (17) moved here..I was pregnant so my best friend and her husband let him live in their extra room. (she had a baby a couple months after he moved in) She end up falling in love with my brother (she's 6years older than him) and then ruining things between him and the girl he really liked..she starts sleeping in his room. (by now I was considering ending the friendship because I couldn't handle the way she would talk about my brother) So she ends up getting pregnant by him. I said I would be there for her since it's my family and it's not the baby's fault and all of that..I told her if she ever had an abortion we would no longer be friends. So I guess my brother hung out with that other girl he liked and she got really mad and went and had an abortion. (told him to give her the money for it or get out) That pushed me over the edge with her. I already couldn't handle how irresponsible and immature she was. She can't keep a job longer than a week, she can't keep her house clean, she leaches off of everyone and the list goes on..If that's how she wants to live then fine but I don't think it's the best environment to be around considering I have a new baby. So after I found out about the abortion I ended the friendship....Recently she's been trying to become friends again and I don't know what to do. I felt like God was telling me to call her one day and I did..she came to the pool and we talked about the kids for a little while. I just don't know what to do because I made it clear to everyone that we would never be friends again. My boyfriend gets upset if he finds out I talked to her because he knows she'll end up hurting me again and he doesn't think it's good to be around her. It's just hard because we were friends for so long and we've gone through a lot. I wish she would grow up one day and maybe then we could be friends but I'm very confused about it at this point.
I don't know if God would want me to try and work it out with her or maybe this is one of those relationships that would best be ended?
I draw the line at toxicity. If the friendship brings NOTHING good, then what's the point?
I just recently had to cut out a former best friend from my life. She did nothing but drag me down. The history is complex, but I'm surprised I stayed friends with her for so long. She was incredibly immature, extremely volatile, a prolific liar, manipulative, very emotionally draining, demeaning, condescending, abusive, and one of the most selfish people I have ever met.
My boyfriend and I tried to be kind to her and tried to help her mature and grow. It was all thrown back into our faces. I don't think she will ever change--she is too stuck in her ways and her parents have reared her to be needy, spoiled, and self-absorbed.
I was willing to remain friends with her, but the friendship ended once she told fabrications about my boyfriend and me to her father and blamed us for something that was entirely her fault. Her father then promptly contacted my boyfriend and threatened the two of us with physical violence.
I have no need for someone like that in my life.
One thing the Holy Spirit ministered to me when I struggled with understanding God's forgiveness and how to mend broken relationships with others is this:
Forgiveness and Healing are two separate works!
I had suffered deep hurts in my life, and my heart was truly set on forgiving. However, I really struggled with being with the people involved and trusting them again. I felt like I hadn't forgiven them afterall and went back to the Lord seeking once again to forgive them....and that cycle repeated itself numerous times until I wondered what was wrong with me!!!!!
I had solid Christian folks tell me that if I had "truly" forgiven, I would not struggle with the feelings and emotions that I experienced and would be able to restore fellowship. Again, I wondered what was wrong with me.
It was during one of those times that I set my face to seeking the Lord for His answer to this paralyzing dilema. Through His Word and through other believers, I began to understand that forgiveness sets me...and sets the other involved...free from any bondage that unforgiveness might bring. However, after I have forgiven and been released from the sin involved there is a healing that must take place in my own heart. I am responsible for that healing before the Lord, He and I. It no longer involves the other party, it is mine to seek.
When I understood that, my heart was set free from the burden of wondering what was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong! I just didn't understand this truth. The tug I had felt was not from unforgivness, it was the Father's calling me into His place of healing from the wounds that had been inflicted.
Once I took the time to heal from the hurts, the Lord was in control of the future. Sometimes, He would restore the friendship even though it was now different than it had been before. Sometimes, I realized that this was not a healty relationship in my life and heard the Holy Spirit clearly instruct me to "Go your way." The relationships was not restored but not our of bitterness or hard feelings but rather out of protection and safety.
I was then reminded me that there were times when Jesus would say things like He did not entrust Himself to the people because He knew what was in their hearts....or the times that He would go through a city and couldn't do, or wouldn't do, many miracles because of their unbelief, etc., etc., etc., I knew that I could trust the Spirit's leading in these situations involving other folks in my life because He searches the heart and knows what is best for me. My part is to keep my heart open, receptive, healed and free from unforgiveness so that I can discern His will correctly.
This is something I have debated myself countless times. I have to say that it drives me nuts when people tie forgiveness and trust together. To me, they are not one in the same and I don't think that God asks for them to be either.
I went through a 5(+) year period of sexual abuse at the hands of one of my older brothers. I have forgiven him, but we will never have the typical 'brother-sister' relationship. I hug everyone else in my family...I don't hug him. Do l trust him? I will never sleep in the same house with him nor will I be alone with him at anytime. He also is not allowed to be with my children alone. (Meaning him in my parents basement playing Legos with my boys and the rest of us upstairs is not acceptable. There were times things happened with somebody else sleeping in the same room!) I haven't cut him off completely. He is my brother and I love him for that (my kids love him too) and do feel that I have forgiven him, but there is absolutely no way for him to earn 100% of my trust back again - and I feel it would be stupid of me to disillusion myself that it would all be OK and he would never do anything like that again. When there could be physical or psychological harm due to contact, I feel it is not only acceptable, but a neccesity to distance yourself from that relationship.
To me 'forgive and forget' does not mean to never think of it again, but to not hover it over the aggressors head. You can't always be saying 'yeah, well you did this to me x number of years ago so I'm gonna....' But to forget does not mean to put yourself back in the situation to have it happen all over again.
Yes, I have completely cut friends off. Recently I cut off a friend I had become very close with, but she was all about partying and drinking, which didn't influence me, but I was more of a protector. When she was too drunk to make a good decision, I made it for her until one night she laid her hands on me. I waited awhile before trying to talk to her again and approached her wanting to solve it all, but she got all hostile again and basically said she didn't need me and so much more. At first, I felt bad, but I'm not going to put up with someone who wants to hit me every time I'm around. All I can do is pray for her now.
I just went through this situation on a large scale. Some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever. While God tries to elevate us there are people who are holding us back. As Christians we pray to stay in God's will and I've said the prayer that whoever does not need to be in my life and is not helping me serve the will of God needs to be removed, all the while I try holding on to those very people that need to be removed. As long as we can recognize the voice of God from the voice of ourselves there is a chance. Not everyone who has been with us or is around is, is happy for our success. Some people just need to go, all the same we may have found ourselves on the opposite end where we were the people who needed to be let go. Not everyone reaches the same point in their life at the same time.
~Angel~
I was once in your situation as well. While I did cut off all ties with that person who damaged my heart and reputation so badly, I also chose to forgive her and continued to pray for her. Little did I know that my best friend would help me mend things with that girl just days before my wedding (three years after the fact) and I did confront that girl because I didn't want to go into my marriage with any feelings of remorse or bitterness. That girl and I may not have the strong relationship we had in the past but it is one now where I am no longer bitter towards her. If I hadn't chosen from the beginning to forgive her, it never would have worked out. I do believe in distancing yourself from destructive people as long as you continue to pray for them
*sigh* you have spoken of one burden on my heart only God knows, but i've come to realize that there are people who you don't need to cut off, you just need to distance, some distance and alot of prayer because you cnt make someone want to be a good friend fi they dont reallyc are to pull through for you genuinly and you cant make yourself be another person's crutch, sometimes the best thing to do is to respectfully draw away, live your life and keep them in prayer, this is why it is so important for us to be careful of the people we bring close to us in the first place. iron sharpens iron and a wise man is careful about the friends he chooses. we try to make everyone like us, but the bible says that we should try to live at peace as much as possible on our part with the people around us NOT that we should go and make everyone our best friends.
The main reason God will be helping you to choose who your true friends are going to be in this life is because His ultimate and highest aim for you is to transform and sanctify you. In other words - He wants you to spiritually grow and mature in your walk with Him.
@TPRanch@xanga - wow...thank you for that comment, indeed there is a difference between forgiveness and healing and i think there are still some things in my life i need to be healed from, so pray for me.
im kinda in the same boat.. but ive just pretty much stopped talking to her until i feel i know what to do. i pray about it everyday and i feel God is telling me i just need time away from her to figure things out and ive been doing really good without all the "drama." but at the same time i dont feel its right to leave them hanging.. so i know that i have to talk to her and if we are able to talk things out, i would love to still be her friend and have her in my life, just not be as close as we were before. unfortunately, i know things have to change.
I've ended 2 close relationships in my time on the planet, and I feel guilty about neither. The first was a bit hasty, but I saw what was coming and I wanted to prevent it. I tried to do it in as kind a way as possible, but of course the person didn't take it too well. After a 2 year brake from each other we are talking again. Not big friends, just hellos and how are you doings occasionally. I think we both grew from the experience. The second person, not so much. He was harmful to me as a person, and we fed the worst in one another. There was absolutely no way I could forgive him for what he did unless he went away for a while, long enough for me to cool down. I'm not a Christian, but I do appreciate many of the sentiments in the Bible, forgiveness being one. But I also think that it's important to realize that people are vast, and there are some people who you should forgive and forget.
I think you should let things the way they are supposed to be happened. I know it seems hard but sometimes you just need to let it go and be. If it's a relationship, maybe you should give them one last try, and I'm sure they might be able to gain your trust again. "Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place"
I have lost a friend(s) that I have once been very close to. This year, it was kind of stupid but me and my friend who we've met in 7th grade been close and even best friends. It pretty much ended because of a stupid reason. She got mad because I "stole" her racket in pe or I took the one that she wanted and well, I kind of ditched her for my other friend who was also her friend, but I mean, it's not that big of a deal. Or maybe that wasn't the reason, I kind of forgot. Anyways, after that, we didn't really talk to each other. I was afraid to talk to her again because she was mad and I was afraid that she wouldn't want to talk to me, but it's okay now. Maybe in September, we can come back to the way it used to be.
And then of 6th grade, I kind of stopped talking to my best best friend because we were going to different schools and I thought it was best if we moved on. Of course, she had her second best friend with her and me? I didn't really have anyone and I was scared. We're still friends but it's not the way it used to be. I hardly ever talk to her anymore, but the memories are still kept with me and her. I just wish that I could've still talked to her and realized that even if we're apart, we can still be best friends. I didn't realize it back then.
But, just let things happen naturally, it's just part of life.
i've broken a few in the past but i dont feel guilty about it. maybe for one but the others, no. currently, i dont think i'm breaking it, it's more like i'm distancing myself from that person cuz for some awkward reason, the trust is slowly fading away. therefore, i do think that by constant prayers, God will help me or tell me how to deal with it later on.
Story of my life. It seems like I'm constantly separating myself from people who are not encouraging. But at the same time I'm forced to be around so many wordly people and not enough Christians that that i'm disillusioned into thinking that they will understand me at some point. never happens.