Wednesday, 09 July 2008

  • Question of the Day: Dating Within Your Fellowship: Forbidden Love?

    oaktree by revelife crew

    secret2 A couple of years ago, a friend let me in on some of her fellowship's "insider secrets", which included who was secretly dating who. When I asked her why the couples had to keep themselves a secret, she answered that it was in "bad form" to go out with someone within your fellowship - or even worse, within your small group Bible study/prayer circle.

    I've visited a lot of fellowships, and there's at least one couple within them. In some fellowships, it's not a big deal - after all, if Christians want to date those who share their beliefs, fellowships are prime places for meeting them. Isn't it natural that you might develop an attraction to someone in your fellowship? In other groups, however, leaders fear that seeing one's boyfriend/girlfriend would detract from the fellowship's spiritual purposes. Moreover, what would happen if the couple broke up?

    I've also heard someone say, "Ew, dating my Christian brother? That's like incest!"

    Or even, "Well, if my Christian sister found out I have a thing for her, she'd think that my praying for and worshiping with her were totally fake."

    So what's everyone's take on dating within a fellowship? What have your experiences with it (whether you've seen it, or dated a Christian brother/sister yourself) been? Do you feel like it's a good idea for couples within a fellowship to keep their relationship a secret?

     

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Comments (44)

  • KATHY_x_malathy@xanga

    our fellowship discourages relationships when we're on some sort of leadership position, but if couples do form, they're not gonna ban it or kick them off of leadership. i think i kind of understand. i was really busy doing ministry this past year and if i had a bf, i don't think i would have contributed to the relationship much. also, i think i would have been emotionally distracted and perhaps not have put all of my energy into the ministry. but! i'm definitely FOR dating within the fellowship. we got some quality guys and girls :)
  • AYlEENAX3@xanga

    I don't think it's a bit of a problem. I've dated someone from my
    fellowship and it wasn't so bad. There's no difference to it. I think
    think it's incest unless you are blood related. I really don't see the
    problem. If you guys break up then just move on. It's perfectly normal. 
  • ThepersonwithoutC@xanga

    "Well, if my Christian sister found out I have a thing for her, she'd
    think that my praying for and worshiping with her were totally fake."
    Well obviously, 'specially when they're...kneeling in prayer...har har har...

    stfu, I'm joking, you tools.

    Dating in prayer groups? Here's a tip: don't.

  • sadlypoetic@xanga

    I suppose I can understand about "taking away from Church", if you were not solid in your faith and that was the only place you got to see them.  Personally I would not mind dating someone from my church, but if I ever did I would be semi-secret..IE not holding hands or sitting really close to one another while there, no PDA, no writing love notes to each other and such.

    Church is a sacred thing and wouldn't it be wrong to NOT want to share that with our significant other?

    My uncle and step-aunt met at church and are now happily married.  My aunt died from cancer and the SA's husband died in a wreck.  They go to church every week and are very active in their membership: it has not affected their Church relationship at all.
  • barrowben@xanga

    Church is a great place to pick up girls.

    Ben
  • thetentguy@xanga

    @rachie_marie89@xanga - Your comment makes a good point about the dynamics of "flaunting".... I have seen this scenario many times in fellowships, especially small groups. Let's face it, two people in a dating relationship usually get quite taken with each other. They will sit next to each other, show physical affection or try to sometimes show off to impress each other. This can be a huge distraction for others in the group.

    From what I've observed, oftentimes the reason a leader will ask those in their group to refrain from dating is simply to keep everyone focused on the purpose of the group. Of course that doesn't mean you won't just happen to meet the person you end up marrying in the group! That could be very likely. If you do choose to date someone else involved in a smallish group, there's no need to hide it; but do keep your wits about you and honor the others in the group by not flaunting the relationship.
  • Miss_Colette@xanga

    Perhaps it has to do with "What if they break up?"  Last year, one of my friends dated someone in her prayer group and they eventually broke up because they couldn't make time for each other and only saw each other at youth group.
        But then things turned sour: her ex then started berating her for being stupid for choosing to study over being with him and then began suggesting that she had wanted to break up the relationship because she had been cheating on her (an unfounded accusation).  It eventually led to their youth leader suggesting that he find another prayer circle because there was so much tension between them.
        I do know that not all relationships end like that, but the whole taboo thing may be from the fact that they may end like that.  And a prayer circle should be a place of love, not hate.
  • vvorldsapart@xanga

    it's just a really hard thing to do, because there are other people involved. it's inevitable. Boy and Girl date. Boy and Girl break up. if it was a bad break up, then Boy is then black-listed from all the girls, either by loyalty to Girl or by gossip about Boy (and vice versa). and then if some other girl dates Boy, then Girl "can't" be mean (because we're at church and we're supposed to be "loving"), so then there's unspoken tension and all of that drama...


    i think it's worse in an asian church. people gossip so much and everyone knows everyone elses' business. plus, there's this unspoken rule that says dating = marriage, and there's that added pressure of figuring out your future and all of that. that's why i personally don't date anyone from my church... not because there isn't anyone i'd be interested in (there aren't, anyway), but it's just not worth the drama. unless God makes it VERY clear that i have to date someone from my church, i'm not even going to go down that path.
  • forchrist

    I don't  really think so. It depends on the ages and how grown up they act. If they have prayed about it  and are serious about dating then no i don't think they should keep it to themselves. Others could pray for them and give them wisdom.  and see how God brings both of them together in his will.
  • hubbaduh@xanga

    Is "fellowship" supposed to mean within your specific congregation???


    I mean, ultimately, aren't all Christians in fellowship with each other?
    Assume that "fellowship" is simply the term that you choose to use for individual congregation, then I see no problem with it.  Now...it "fellowship" is taken to mean small group (say, ten or less)...I think that that could get kinda awkward kinda fast.  If you break up...even more awkward with such a small group.
  • SpoiledLittoBrat@xanga

    I think dating in the fellowship is okay but our pastor did warn couples about showing their affections publicly. This is because there are many worldly portrayals of "romance" and by dating couples being so open about their dating, it might cause others to long for a relationship for the sake of having one. In a way, this would be causing others to stumble.

    What I am wondering is, if the dating goes wrong and the couple breaks up, is it ok for other people in the fellowship to date the respective other??? Especially those who are close to the other sex???
  • destoyer93@xanga

    nice to know about another dating issue
  • conradma

    this has been mentioned before but honestly?! Where else would a Christian go to find their future spouse? A bar? a club? It's not exactly that easy to try to look for Christians outside your Church. That is unless you take the initiative to meet other people from other Churches. But otherwise, I believe it is a good thing for Christian to date within their Church and fellowship. It's a nice easy way to know that they have all the same beliefs as you and I'd hate to see the consequences of a Christian dating someone who does not have the same beliefs.
  • choosenservant@xanga

    I grew us Seventh Day Adventist (and still am) and there is nothing wrong with dating within the church or fellowship. I agree with the comment that we should not be unequally yoked. When you date in fellowship, there is a certain ammount of uspoken accountability. For when you date in fellowship, you are dating your Christian 'brother' or 'sister' and the rest of the 'family' is watching you. There are at least two sides to looking at things and there will always be different  views. So here you have mine



  • YouTOme@xanga

    i agree with pass the aura. there's something unhealthy about keeping relationships secret/without accountability. maybe it's time to find a new church/fellowship where dating Christian brothers/sisters is encouraged
  • Biblerapture@xanga
    This is not going to end well...

    As has been said, RED FLAGS!  I would get out of that church and do not let the dust settle.  Or...... you could talk to the group leader and find out if that screwy rule is his/hers or coming from the church itself.  It may be that leadership in the church has no idea about a 'no dating within the group' policy.  But if it is coming from the church leadership, then move on with no guilt.


    My church has people coming from many smaller churches to our singles groups because we are somewhat large (4000 members) and the odds are better for all.  They did have to seperate the ages because of the wolves, but it provides a great opportunity to meet and connect with that special someone.  Incidentally, our toughest group to seperate appears to be the 40+ group who think they can stay in their 30's forever. LOL.

  • taintedwine@xanga

    "In other groups, however, leaders fear that seeing one's boyfriend/girlfriend would detract from the fellowship's spiritual purposes. Moreover, what would happen if the couple broke up?"


    Food for thought: Is Christianity so weak that it requires a "bubble life"?  The fact that Christians tend to live in a bubble was brought up in a sermon I attended a while back.  Either indirectly or by choice, Christians tend to separate themselves from things that might harm their spiritual growth/path.  Troublesome non-believers are shunned as friends or lovers.  Dating is taboo within the fellowship.  I even recall there being a generally unspoken implicit "red light", "green light" system where fellowship members were discouraged from dating each other until their senior year (and that is not to say that dating was encouraged even then), with other fellowship members feeling the need to tell the couple individually that they didn't like the idea of them dating.


    I forget the exact Bible verse that was quoted in the sermon, but it said something to the effect of not letting the world tempt you with its evils, but at the same time not holding yourself out to be heavenly (i.e. don't be self-righteous because only Jesus is truly righteous) -- meaning you have to go through life's trials.  Avoiding life's temptations completely doesn't make you a stronger Christian -- if anything, it keeps you weak.  If you spend your life shunning people because they drink, cuss, or live their lives in a way you don't feel is consistent with a Christian life, then the only thing you ever learn is intolerance.  By the same token, if you avoid dating within the fellowship because it might impede spiritual growth, the only two things that happen are 1) the fellowship members' spiritual growth gets treated with baby gloves and never grows, like a faith that is never questioned, and 2) you prevent people with same spiritual paths from having the kind of spiritual relationship that God desires.


    Sure, it might be a distraction if there is tension within the fellowship, but honestly, what better place for that tension to occur.  It can be a beneficial learning experience for everyone involved if you let it.
  • rachelserine@xanga

    i was going to type out my strong feelings, but pass_the_aura said it better. :)
  • ohmylittlesoldierboy@xanga

    My fiance and I have been going to the same church since we were 7. Need I say more about how I feel about this? ;)

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