Wednesday, 09 July 2008
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Question of the Day: Dating Within Your Fellowship: Forbidden Love?
A couple of years ago, a friend let me in on some of her fellowship's "insider secrets", which included who was secretly dating who. When I asked her why the couples had to keep themselves a secret, she answered that it was in "bad form" to go out with someone within your fellowship - or even worse, within your small group Bible study/prayer circle. I've visited a lot of fellowships, and there's at least one couple within them. In some fellowships, it's not a big deal - after all, if Christians want to date those who share their beliefs, fellowships are prime places for meeting them. Isn't it natural that you might develop an attraction to someone in your fellowship? In other groups, however, leaders fear that seeing one's boyfriend/girlfriend would detract from the fellowship's spiritual purposes. Moreover, what would happen if the couple broke up?
I've also heard someone say, "Ew, dating my Christian brother? That's like incest!"
Or even, "Well, if my Christian sister found out I have a thing for her, she'd think that my praying for and worshiping with her were totally fake."
So what's everyone's take on dating within a fellowship? What have your experiences with it (whether you've seen it, or dated a Christian brother/sister yourself) been? Do you feel like it's a good idea for couples within a fellowship to keep their relationship a secret?
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Comments (44)
i'll have to say it's a GREAT idea to date within your home fellowship... from there you can find accountablility, growth, protection, wisdom, guidance, nurturing, and ultimately as the relationship blossoms where the ultimate goal of that relationship is marriage (or should be the ultimate purpose of said relationship) imagine the community you'll find when that blessed day comes....
people know you... you know them... people know the other person... they know other people...
and frankly about that whole brother/sister thing... that is how we should treat each other... God will blossom the emotions as He changes your heart and let your mind filter what God is doing based on His Word and His principles.
community to me is more important... i'll balance the alone time and the community together... but yea...
As for the "dating my Christian brother is incest" thing...that's just stupid...Paul writes that we're not to be unequally yoked...therefore we should, in general, try to date other Christians...who are our siblings in Christ. It's not incest, it's how God wants it.
And I actually just asked a girl from my Bible Study out on a date....we'll see how it works out.
I haven't dated, but this issue is not something I'm familiar with. People in my church don't have any problem with dating relationships in our fellowship. I'm not clear on why they would need to be a secret. I'm Assembly of God from a large church (2000).
People think it's great to have relationships with others in the church because you believe similar things and you have things in common. We have weddings all the time, and couples have to go through detailed marriage counseling if they want one of our pastors to marry them.
When I marry I want a big part of my life to be about church, so it makes sense to me that church is an option for a good place to meet someone. I'm not looking right now, but I don't think there's anything wrong with having a romantic relationship with my Christian brother. In fact, it's a great idea!
I think it's a great idea to date within your fellowship, but not seek out dating within the fellowship. Does that make sense? If it happens and God's hand is on that, let it happen. That being said, I feel that dating within a small group is a little different. Depends on how long you've been dating and how serious you are. Small groups are a safe place and if the relationship does not work out. It may be awkward for one or both people and may disrupt the flow of the group. One person may drop out which may affect other relationships that have been formed. However, if the couple is serious and seeking marriage, it's better to attend the same small group in order to have the support/accountability of others--especially the older wiser, married couples in the group.
Is "fellowship" here being used to mean something more like "church" or like "Bible study group"? (Or a position on the staff of a college or the group that carried the ring to Mordor or after-service coffee or...)
To me the sign of spiritual ill-health is not in a single person with certain religious beliefs being attracted to another single person with similar religious beliefs (well of course!), but in thinking that the relationship should be kept secret for fear of repercussions. If your group doesn't allow you to have healthy relationships, it's not a healthy group. A relationship that has to be kept secret means not only that the relationship is likely to suffer, but the relationships with the other people are likely unhealthy too.
Surely any healthy fellowship (however we define that) should be an ideal place to nurture relationships because of the opportunities for encouragement, Scriptural advice and counsel, and accountability. Sure, learn to treat people as brothers and sisters in the Lord first and foremost, but let's have some openness, honesty, and reality. People are going to have attractions and relationships. Deal with it.
Having to keep something as important as a relationship a secret is to me a huge red flag and a warning sign of spiritual abuse, as it shows either a high degree of denial or controlling (or both) in the leadership.
I was going to say something possibly profound and revealing on the subject. Then I found that Pass_the_Aura had already said it, more thoroughly than I could.
I think it is great to date within your own church fellowship. It would be dating someone like minded.
In my church, there are many of my fellow students who are dating or have dated eachother in the past. I think it's a good idea simply because then you both have the same beliefs (or generally), you are both learning the same things and maybe growing in similar ways and then possibly together. You should grow together with others, especially your significant other.
Now, I like the point about what happens if you were to break up with said person in your fellowship/church. Well, that depends. I think if we're all mature adults about it, you could just ignore one another for a while and then eventually become friends. A lot of people in my church who have dated in the past did this. They stopped talking for a while, but now they can hang out like they were never dating. Though, some people are not able to do this, so...I wouldn't recommend for everyone. One case, one case only though, the guy dated two different girls in the church (at different times), but broke up with them and then he couldn't face either of them, so he left the church altogether. That's a sad sort of tale, that I hope doesn't happen to anyone.
I think it completely depends on one's maturity level, etc.
I would definintely date guys from my church though because I know them well, I know who they are, I know how they are, I have shared something personal with at least a few of them. We believe the same things. Also, dating is supposed to be to find out if you could marry this person or not. I would want to marry someone who went to the same church I did, so that that wouldn't be an issue when deciding where to go as a couple. Also, it's probably where I want to be married.
Anyway, I don't think it's a bad idea and definitely should not be kept secret. It shows something to others if you're trying to keep it secret, plus people are going to find out anyway.
I am going through that right now. I secretly like someone in my fellowship and do not dare to tell this person. (I feel like back in high school again) I am 22 years old...It's not a matter of maturity...It's a matter of embarrassment and weirdness, the question is how will it feel afterwards.
I definitely think that should two people decide to date, it would be something not so casual, and to definitely not flaunt the relationship to the other group members. It's a good thing, when it's a genuine inside-and-out attraction, to date people of the same fellowship, because there is a better chance of the two being equally yoked. You should also be open and honest about your relationship if you are dating to maintain that trust in your "fellowship."
I find I am agreement with all the comment already posted. Sometimes discretion about a growing affection for another in fellowship is wise for awhile; but eventually openness about it, once established as mutual, is best for everyone.
Who are we to judge? I think it's sad if a couple is afraid to come out with their feelings, especially when a fellowship is sometimes the only source of community in out modern world.
I'm not really sure what you mean by "fellowship." Could be church congregagtion, could be Bible study group. I would say it depends on what's discussed at the Bible study group, but I've always been of the belief that if you plan on sharing things you'd rather your girlfriend not know, you should do it in a men's group, because you never know who will become your girlfriend. If we are not supposed to be unequally yoked, our dating should only be done with fellow Christians- some would argue Christians at a same level of maturity, I'll let you struggle with that on your own. But if you are looking to date, it needs to be a Christian, and he or she can not be from your home Church, that just develops a crazy situation of going to other Churches for the sake of "cruising for Chicks" as we used to say. I don't think it's a good idea to be having one on one guy-girl prayer time/Bible study/etc. because you need the chance to completely bare yourself before the Lord, and if you are truly doing so, that is an extremely intimate experience that it really doesn't make sense to share with anyone of the opposite sex besides your spouse. I've seen too many couples think that they were so great for each other because they had grown so close via worship methods, but often when they started dating they realized they weren't actually attracted to one another, they were just attracted to Jesus, who happened to show up when they gathered in His name.
I've seen that the secrecy in relationship is a backlash to the rifts caused when a couple dates and breaks up within the same church. people can remain friends and be a part of the same church after breakup, but that requires a lot of maturity and amicable breakup. that just doesn't seem to happen enough. and inevitibly taking sides and hurt feelings occur within a singles group. church SHOULD be the ideal place to find a spouse, but we are flawed humans and we operate in a flawed manner. I also think there is too much fear among singles within to church to pursue a relationship inside the fellowship of believers, for whatever reason.
I'm personally definitely not against it at all. Personally I don't want to date within my fellowship. It just places too much pressure on your relationship to succeed, and all that. I wouldn't go about hiding my relationship if it were the case that I was dating someone within my fellowship... although I would never date someone in a small group if I were leading it... because thats just kind of not supposed to happen. Though yeah I definitely have no interest in dating a sister within my fellowship. I just feel like there is too much pressure involved, and in the event that the relationship does fail.. it will make for an uncomfortable setting for awhile, and perhaps cause some bitter relationships within a fellowship... which are never healthy. I've seen that happen before (with my ex joining my fellowship last year) and it was awkward to say the least for awhile. But yeah, I'm definitely not against it. I just feel that it needs to be done with discernment, and with as little outside influence/pressure as possible.
huh ... I think that would be the best place to find someone, don't you? besides if God has your life already planned out, that is probably where you are going to find your match!!! And if you get engaged, I would hope the two would be going to some of the same bible studies, same church... otherwise that would put a strain on the relationship... My husband and I were dating and going to the same church/bible study, fellowship.
I have found in the past that bible study/worshipping with fellow believers of the opposite sex can lead to improper relationships. Sometimes, a person can be infatuated with what they see in that group, grow attracted to that person, and get it in their head that "this is the person I'm supposed to marry" when in fact it isn't. I've been on the giving and receiving end.
I'm not saying that dating within a fellowship is a bad idea, it's not. Like any relationship, a dating relationship should be entered into carefully when you're both members of the same fellowship. Possibly having an accountability partner (like another couple, or a married couple to mentor the dating couple) could be a good idea for the couple to keep things in perspective.
Weird, I never even thought about it being an issue.
I don't know if I have an opinion on whether I think it's right or wrong... I just have my own personal story about it.
For whoever read my testimony - the boyfriend who broke up with me was a part of the fellowship I belong to. After we split up... it wasn't very fun going to church, knowing I would have to see his face... which of course took away the spiritual reason for wanting to go to worship. I just couldn't face him and if it weren't for my good friends, probably would have started slipping back into my old ways.
But, things are better now. I've been going back to my church and the ex and I are seemingly becoming friends again. It's hard because I still have major feelings for him, but I can't let that steer me away from this Christian fellowship I have grown so fond of and that has brought me to the Lord.
So, it's all in what you can handle. If you're a person like me who puts her heart on the line, I don't recommend dating someone you'll be seeing a lot of if you two may eventually break things off. Then again, that all depends on the nature of the break up.
I'm rambling! But I sure hope you get the point :)
Peace&love,
Brooke.
I never knew it was frowned upon! In every church I've gone to, Bible studies and fellowships seem to be fantastic places to meet a potential mate. You're in church, interested in the same God, get to know each other in a neutral environment with lots of "chaperones"...
My intention when I join such a venture is to learn more about my faith, my God, and to meet other Christians and learn how they develop their relationship with Jesus...meeting someone is an added benefit, not a goal, but where else can we meet good Christian mates?!
--Laura
@spokenfor@xanga - , @organic_idiot@xanga - Okay...I never thought about this happening, though certainly here is an issue.
It's the perfect place to start a relationship. I know of many happy marriages that started out this way.
WHY ARE CHRISTIANS SO WEIRD WHEN IT COMES TO DATING?!?! haha,Â
Where else are you going to meet your future spouse? Â At a club? Â At a bar? Â In a church full of people you don't know? Â Within your fellowship is an awesome place to meet someone. Â And I also don't understand this whole, "God will let it all work out" attitude to dating. Â It's ok to take someone on a date to get to know them. Â If I want a job, I'm going to apply to a few places. Â If I want to get married, I'm going to get to know some girls. Â (Praying for wisdom is also very good). Â If we were supposed to simply wait for God to plop someone in our lap, we would have no guidelines in the Bible for finding a spouse other than, "God will plop your spouse in your lap when He is ready."
I've been involved in a lot of campus ministries the last three years, and no one EVER dates...ever. Â It's really strange... then they dream and pray about their future spouse or something. Â It's weird. Â
I agree with a_defiantbeauty_2@xanga. Great place for a romantic relationship to start, but not a good place to go with the intention of seeking one. If we go to a fellowship with the intention of seeking a romantic relationship, too often do we lose focus on why we are there. Instead of focusing on God and worshiping him and getting to know and understand him, we start to focus on getting to know and understand another person and perhaps it will change into something like worshiping this other person.
My general advice is this: go to the fellowship to seek God and to worship Him with your fellow brothers and sisters. Observe and know what qualities in others that attracts you to them (like a passion to serve or a passion to see injustice broken), but do not act upon this attraction. Understand why you are attracted by these passions and pray (perhaps include some fasting and meditation into this routine) that God will bring a person with those passions into your life.
best place to meet. IBut in my group, we really like the courtship model, with the whole family involved. And basically, we don't date until we are serious in looking. Our fellowship groups often provide larger groups for non - exclusive relationships; but in some ( none local to me) that is where potential matches/spouses have met. IF they want to pursue it, going through the parents, THEN they do so....usually with the family, but sometimes with others. Still chaste, waiting for God's blessing of marriage.