Tuesday, 08 July 2008
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Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
by mrs violet
As my children head toward their teenage years, I find myself at the point where we need to have very open and honest, age appropriate discussions about sex and sexuality.On the one hand, this scares the living bejeebers out of me, on the other hand, I think one of the greatest privileges a parent has, is the ability to shape their children's view of sexuality rather than leaving it to the world and to peer groups.
The great thing is that I know my kids can grow into adults with a really healthy biblical understanding of their sexuality. They can know that they are indeed sexual creatures, and that sex was created, sanctioned and approved by God. They can read the Song of Songs and understand that God is not against sex or sexuality, in fact for that book to be included in the inspired word of God tells me a lot about what God would love for our marriages to be like- fun, passionate, fulfilling, loving and blessed.
We have pretty open discussions about the choices that we made about sex, and talk about the ensuing consequences of those decisions. We can speak from experience about how those choices affected our lives, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
I can also personally talk about a loving God, who has put boundaries in place for our own good. In the same way a parent sets boundaries on a little child around a hot stove, He does the same for us with our sexuality. A stove is a wonderful device, a modern day necessity, but to a someone who is not old enough to use one or be safe around one it can be a dangerous contraption indeed.
We always need to put God in the perspective of a loving Father who wants the absolute best for His children, not some irate, fun-hating being who is just out to spoil the party.
How did your parents have the "sex talk" with you? If you're a parent how will you talk about this with your kids?
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Comments (107)
I am a proponent of abstinence until marriage. And, I plan on passing this belief and all of my reasons on to my girls. Already I talk to my 3 year old about modesty and her "girl parts." I don't plan on having "the Talk" with them. I plan on talking to them all along. I don't plan on telling them that sex is bad. I plan on telling them that it is a wonderful gift from God and in the context of marriage, it stays that way. I believe that the church really downplays the importance of sex in marriage for lots of reasons--it's controversial, it's uncomfortable to talk about, it's already been done before marriage so there is no need to address it during pre-marital counseling (or even youth group). Shame on us, I say, for not talking about the elephant in the room, you know.
As for people getting married younger and more quickly because of the sex, I think long engagements are useless. If two people are committed enough to get married, they have gotten engaged, why on earth would you wait a year or two to get married? I know, I know, the wedding industry encourages this for maximum money spent. But I digress. Anyway, years ago, people didn't date. They courted. And, modesty mattered. And virginity mattered. And, they got married soon after they were engaged because why burn in passion?
Is this a pro-God/religion xanga site or something? I don't believe in only sex after marriage because "God" or "religion" says it's the way things have to be. My mom had an awkwardish sex talk with me when I got my first period.
But I'm a smart person and I made smart choices regarding my sexuality and whom I choose to share it with. I never had "religion" or "God" to tell me what's best, I figured it out for myself with my wise parents help.
This blogspot sounds like "God" is the answer to everything =/
As some other people said, I never really got a sex talk. Having a curious and intellectual mind, I did enough reading and research on my own to be nearly as qualified as people who make their careers out of being a "Sexpert." Somehow, that seemed less awkward, because my parents weren't the type to be open with me about many things. This is a cycle that I want to break if I ever have children. Fortunately, I'm happy with my sexual choices (though the rest of you probably wouldn't be, since I have had sex outside of marriage), but I want to make sure that my offspring will never make decisions they might regret.
@sheepthatsblack@xanga - I knew girls in high school who were sleeping around AND having abortions, but they still had that "holier than thou" attitude, and bitched about abortion being wrong (without explaining why). I haven't found anyone who "mellowed" like you said, at least during high school. I'm sure they've mellowed after a year of college or work.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - You may feel way too young to be married in your early twenties. Some people feel much more ready to make that commitment at an earlier age. One couple I know has been together since they were 15 (now 19), and they're planning to get married in two or three years. Another couple I know got together at 18, married 7-8 months later (as soon as high school was over), and are getting divorced Thursday (both 19). Probably for some people, sex would be a deciding factor, but it's not out of the question that people your age or younger could be thinking about marriage.
Man oh man I'm scared out of my mind for when that time comes! My mom had the talk with me when I was in 5th grade; she got some book at a Christian book store. All throughout my teenage and college years, all she told me was that it was best to wait and that it was what God wanted. I sure wish that I listened to her about waiting, even though I never got an STD or pregnant, and the first and ONLY man that I was intimate with turned out to be my husband; I still won't be able to tell my children we waited. I have my regrets.
@Punk_Rock_Mommy@xanga - Aside from planning large, expensive weddings, many people have long engagements for personal reasons. For instance, I would never want to be married while still an undergraduate in college. Similarly, some couples may wait for family issues (particularly illness) to subside, or for both parties to be financially stable enough to buy a house together.
@haloed@xanga - Revelife itself is a community of bloggers just like Xanga, and they're kind of "sister sites" in that people with Xangas can comment on Revelife user's pages, and vice versa. This particular site is the "main" weblog (to which there is no xanganalogy).
Basically the purpose of Revelife is to give people an outlet for their spiritual journeys. But as a non-believer (at least, I assume so based on your comment), you're also welcome to leave comments on this main blog, because your perspective will often be important (such as in the entry on whether it's awkward to tell non-believers you'll pray for them). I'm not religious at all, but when I do comment here, I try to do so from a standpoint that won't be caustic to believers. If all I have to say is "well, this question is stupid/moot because there is no God," then I usually refrain. But often, I phrase my comments in a way that could help Christians in their lives, both spiritual and earthly. I guess an example would be my first comment above, if you're curious.
My Mum was open with me, and gave me the room to make my own decisions. Sex is just one aspect though. Sexuality, as I'm noticing no one has really brought up, was just as important. We discussed homosexuality as well as bisexuality and my Mum told me point blank that she would be happy as long as I was happy.
I wish I could say the same for my fiance, who grew up in a very repressed home and he still can't tell his parents that he is bisexual because of how they would react.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I understand what you say about financial stability and being out of college. I just don't think that those are good enough reasons to postpone a wedding. For one thing, you will never be financially stable. I would just tell the people not to get engaged in the first place unless they are ready to get married that day. For one thing, if you aren't ready the day you get engaged, then you probably won't ever be ready.
@haloed@xanga - yes, this is a Christian blog, and most of us posters are Christians...thus, God is our answer to more or less everything. This isn't to say we deny ourselves the right to think as many, vocal/mainstream Christians do, on the contrary, I believe God gave us a brain and we ought to use it. The reason I use God as an answer (or a basis for my answer) for everything is because, as a Christian, I'm striving to live my life as He would want....
That's my answer to your question, if you want to know more, message me, but don't feel obligated to do so, I'm not about pushing my beliefs on others.
Much Love
-Lenny
I'm 18 and my parents still haven't talked to me about sex. They left that part of parenting up to the Church (we're Catholic) and up to my school ("If you're going to have sex, at least be careful about it").
I personally think that's the best way they could have done it. I would have been way too uncomfortable hearing any of that from them. Besides, no matter what a parent tells a child, it's up to the child to chose to "do the right thing".
@ChickenNoodle4Life@xanga - I listened to the James Dobson tapes too. lol.
My mom basically gave me books to read depending on my age.@GodlessLiberal@xanga - Even the bible says that it's better to get married for sex if you can't control yourself.
I Corinthians 7:8-9
My parents talked to me about sex, but being that they are not Christians, it was not explained to me in a Biblical way.. I had to learn the hard way about sex and sexuality. I had misconceptions about sex, and they were answered in a way that was not healthy.. I have been a Christian for 18 years, and I have been married for 7 years, and I still struggle with God's will about my sexuality.. I will raise my children however to know about God's plan for their sexuality, and when they have a family, hopefully it will be easier for them.
God Bless and thank you for this post.
Haha... This reminds me of one time when I was younger and I told my buddy about sex ('cus I already had the talk), but his parents were so glad that he already knew so they didn't have to tell him...
lol, this comment isn't really appropriate for this blog, is it? Oh, well.
13 years old i got the talk
Unfortunately, I was brought up in a Christian home where sex wasn't talked about, except for the "don't have it till your married" so I did anything any rebellious daughter would: I went and had sex. Now I wish I hadn't because I've come back to the Lord and I dread the day I have to tell my future spouse that I'm not a virgin, and all the implications that go along with that. It hurts me to know that I didn't value my future husband enough to wait for him, and I pray everyday that the same thought doesn't cross his mind, though I know that he probably will.
As for what I will say to my future children, I'll probably tell them what they need to know such as the risks of having it too early, the benefits of waiting till marriage, and that purity goes way beyond the physical. Its like @Issie -'s example. Yes you are engaged to be married, and no technically speaking they're not having sex yet, but they might as well be. I can understand them getting defensive about it because they know its wrong, but they are choosing to ignore it. I applaud you for bringing it up to them though.
As for the non-Christians who are asking questions, I will say this. The world teaches us that sex outside of marriage is okay from the time we're very young till the day we die. Christians, at least those who adhere to God's standard for marriage, do not believe this is correct. The high incidence of STD's, unplanned pregnancies, and abortions support us on this fact. I won't mention names, but a good friend of mine got pregnant out of wedlock and they were using two, yes two, effective forms of contraception, so the notion that you can be careful is a complete fallacy, and a lie that people use to support their lust for one another. That being said, it is almost impossible to avoid the temptation outside of a saving relationship with Jesus Christ. I know it was difficult for me, and for plenty of people just like me, even though I had a solid biblical upbringing.
As for the question do Christians rush into marriage just to have sex? I have to agree with what a lot of people have been saying above, sometimes yes, other times no. The difference between biblical marriage and worldly marriage is simple: I know I pray for my future spouse, and God is at the center of every relationship, so we don't rely on feelings, which can be finicky at best. If God says that it is time for them to be married, then it is time for them to be married. If the relationship is not God-ordained, then oftentimes they break off the romantic part of the relationship much more quickly than secular couples, because they know it is not in God's will. If God tells them to wait, then they wait. But not everyone, even Christians, adheres to this standard, and thats where you get the relationships that struggle or even fail within the church because it was not God-ordained. I think it all depends on the couple.
I have to say though, someone mentioned in their comment that some couples get pressured from their church to be married, and while this may be true of some places, it is not true of others. I know that I'm not getting pressured to find a spouse by my church or my family and friends, and I'm 24, so I would have to say, please avoid blanket statements. Thats how misconceptions about the church get spread and why many people avoid church at all costs. I'm sorry this comment was so long...
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - I agree with your observation of Christians marrying young mostly so that they can start having sex. I attended an extremely strict, extremely legalistic missionary kid boarding school. I graduated 5 years ago, and over half of the graduating class is either married or has children. Most of them got married right out of high school or in their late teens or twenties. Out of all the people I know, Christian and non-Christian alike, Christians seem to be the most likely to marry young. All of my friends who went to public schools know very few people who are married, yet all of my friends who went to Christian schools (like myself) have noticed that most of their graduating classes have gotten hitched.
I think that in some cases it may be conscious, but not really spoken about between the couple. But I think that for the most part it's subconscious. I mean, most people want to have someone they grow old with, but starting that at 18 or 19?? Jeeze. I realize everyone is different, but the fact that practically EVERY Christian I know is rushing or has rushed head-first into marriage straight out of high school makes me just a wee bit suspicious...
@sheepthatsblack@xanga - Hah. I know what you mean about social pressure from evangelical Christianity. I'm 23, unmarried, and some of my Christian friends already see me as an old maid. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and they keep harping at me about when we're going to get hitched (though the fact that we live together might be another cause for them to ask). It's absurd.
@Punk_Rock_Mommy@xanga - Yes, engagements were shorter, but the courtship periods were much longer (sometimes five years or so). I don't think GodlessLiberal was talking about short or long engagements, I believe he was talking about people getting married after dating for 8 months and being engaged for 2.
I don't like the idea of long engagements either, but you don't get engaged right away after you start dating (or courting). There's a whole relationship before engagement that has to blossom, mature, and grow. And that usually takes years.
@haloed@xanga - to a Christian He is!
@rchrdsnjc@xanga - thank you.... it has generated quite a discussion just in our house hold this post!
x
@forrizzle28@xanga - sure it is, you just reinforced my point.... parents talk so friends don't have too!
@MelodicPuppy@xanga - yet you will have some life experience which you will be able to speak from.... truthfully and honestly.
@bittersunday@xanga - Yes, courtships lasted a whole lot longer. But there was not a commitment beyond it. People courted in hopes of someday being married. Their engagements were short because they'd already made up their minds. Today, I feel that people spend more time in the engagement stage which is very dangerous. It's dangerous because it's very emotional and romantic and many, many times they are blinded by this and don't prepare themselves for the marriage. Or, they ignore the problems that creep up. I am in no way saying that people should date a couple of months and then get married after a two day engagement. Nope. I think people should spend time together and asking questions, hard questions. And then have a short engagement. There are always surprises. I think it's important to eliminate the big ones. Hope that makes sense!
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - thank you for your very thoughtful response. It is actually quite amazing, this post has generated all kinds of discussions in our house this week... quite amazing really.
Anyway, I agree that parents need to be well versed and researched, we often spend so much time at the baby stage reading and making sure we get it all just so, and by the time they are teens we almost run out of puff.
I really appreciated your comment.
@Audrina_Lake@xanga - how would you do it differently?