Tuesday, 08 July 2008
-
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
by mrs violet
As my children head toward their teenage years, I find myself at the point where we need to have very open and honest, age appropriate discussions about sex and sexuality.On the one hand, this scares the living bejeebers out of me, on the other hand, I think one of the greatest privileges a parent has, is the ability to shape their children's view of sexuality rather than leaving it to the world and to peer groups.
The great thing is that I know my kids can grow into adults with a really healthy biblical understanding of their sexuality. They can know that they are indeed sexual creatures, and that sex was created, sanctioned and approved by God. They can read the Song of Songs and understand that God is not against sex or sexuality, in fact for that book to be included in the inspired word of God tells me a lot about what God would love for our marriages to be like- fun, passionate, fulfilling, loving and blessed.
We have pretty open discussions about the choices that we made about sex, and talk about the ensuing consequences of those decisions. We can speak from experience about how those choices affected our lives, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
I can also personally talk about a loving God, who has put boundaries in place for our own good. In the same way a parent sets boundaries on a little child around a hot stove, He does the same for us with our sexuality. A stove is a wonderful device, a modern day necessity, but to a someone who is not old enough to use one or be safe around one it can be a dangerous contraption indeed.
We always need to put God in the perspective of a loving Father who wants the absolute best for His children, not some irate, fun-hating being who is just out to spoil the party.
How did your parents have the "sex talk" with you? If you're a parent how will you talk about this with your kids?
-
recommend
- recs 1
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (107)
I'm confused as to what boundaries are being put in place for our own good?
@Coincidentally@xanga - No sex before Marriage
I agree that we must feel comfortable talking to our children about sexuality, and I think it's very important to explain why you hold the values that you do - while not trying to impose rules on them. Children and teens listen best when they understand why something is a good idea (religious/family values, risk of pregnancy or STDs, or the intense intimacy of allowing someone else into your mind, body, and spirit so completely), and they feel that they have a choice. If you just tell kids "Don't have sex or else!" then they're not going to understand and will be tempted to rebel. But explaining exactly why it's worth the wait will keep them aware and make them feel valued as people.
One thing that is absolutely paramount, that many Christians I know do not do, is a complete sex education. It sounds from this post that you are open and caring about your approach to sex education. It's important to give children correct information and answer any questions they may have. You may have to do some research yourself in order to be sure you don't give them misinformation. Know the statistics on contraceptive failure rates. Know the prevalence and effects of various STDs. Know what your values are on masturbation, sex toys, and oral or anal sex. You don't necessarily have to bring up those topics, but if they ask, be ready to calmly explain exactly why you feel a certain way on those issues.
Ultimately, the most important thing is to make sure your children feel that they can come to you with any dilemma, problem, or mistake, and that you will still love them regardless. Tell them that you will always do your best to answer any questions they might have, and try to keep that promise. Above all, remember that if for some reason your child messes up, or chooses not to follow your values, you have to express your unconditional love first, then you can tell them that you are disappointed in their actions.
If you can forgive a heathen stepping into your midst, I'd like to ask people who are probably more likely to see this amongst your peers.
Lately, I've been noticing that many of my Christian friends who are adamant about the whole "no sex before marriage" aspect of their faith seem to be rushing into marriage. Now, I haven't had the courage to ask them, but do you think that the anticipation of sex could be a deciding factor in getting married and/or moving up the wedding date?
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - Sex had nothing to do with why I got married at 18. Yes, it was an added benefit but not the reason.
I got married because I had found the person God wants me to spend the rest of my life with. Years and three children later, we are still happily married until death do us part.
@Kristenmomof3@xanga - Did it influence you into marrying earlier, then? Sorry, I'm just curious... I'm 22 and my girlfriend and I are just starting to talk about the M word, and it still seems too young to me.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Wonderful answer.
My parents never had the sex talk with me. I'm almost 17 years old and it's still taboo.
Children who's parents have open, informative discussion about sex with them are less likely to have sex young and more likely to use contraceptives when they do. At least, thats' what I was taught in my Psychology of Adjustment class. But yeah, when I have kids and they are old enough, I will definitely give them "the sex talk", and not just "wait until your'e married". My parents never really talked about sex with me and I had a lot of questions. I don't want my kids to be embarassed to ask me anything.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - I got married at 19, and i will admit that sex had something to do with it. I wanted to wait until we were married, and my husband never had that restraint put on him in his previous relationships. So it was realy hard for us. But that wasn't the only reason we moved up the wedding dates. Planning a big wedding involves a lot of stress and drama and we couldn't deal with it anymore.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - I'm currently in the wedding party of an allegedly Christian couple. They are rushing into marriage, and although I cannot presume what the true motivation is, I do know that their boundaries are falling off rapidly as the wedding date approaches. Spending plenty of time alone in the dark in a house, then it went on to overnight stays in the same house, then it has now become overnight stays in the same room. So the progression to sex (eventually) seems to be rather rapid, and I guess in that case, early marriage may be a good thing for them.
Yet, I also know of many other Christian couples who have taken their time to date and know each other before marriage, and they have kept their relationship pure (beyond just avoiding sexual intercourse. They stay accountable to others, have no alone time in a room, live in separate houses, spend a lot of time in prayer, use their time together to serve God and others, etc.) The reason to marry is definitely not because of sex, but because of a commitment to each other and to God. So I don't think it's an easy task to generalise. But, the boundaries put in relationships by God, when followed, has led to some extraordinarily pure, noble and loving romances that could not have been birthed without them (the boundaries).
Whether Christian romances culminate in marriage sooner or later, it is hard, even for an 'insider', to judge the motivations behind the timings and weigh the importance of finally having sex in these decisions.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - i also got married really young. sex had no part of us "rushing" to get married. we got married because we loved each other &we saw that our futures were going in the same direction. so many people have accused me of getting married young just so i could have sex without guilt, &i want to break that stereotype, because it's absurd!
My parents did not give me a formal sex talk, in fact most of my education was from my schooling. School really didn't teach us much about sexuality, but more about what happens when we start maturing (your period, body odor, etc)
I was lucky in the fact that my friend got me involved in True Love Waits. It's a great program for young women, and it really makes you feel like you are worth the world!
Now, as a young adult I've made mistakes and now I wish that my parents would have been more direct with me about God's plan for me (and I wish they would have told me to read song of songs.....) But that being a part of my past, I have found a new passion in working with youth to help them prevent making the same mistakes I have.
God Bless! =)
What concerns me most is that you cannot talk to your kids about sexuality early enough. You hear about so many teen pregnancies and abortions etc. Nowadays it seems to me that 10 year olds may know more about sex than their parents, bcos the media is full of it, we are surrounded by sexuality in every walk of our lives, thanks to the adverts, films etc.
I always felt jilted because my parents never had "THE talk" with me...I got all of my information from my best friends as I was growing up. Even though they never gave me the sex talk, they somehow always made it VERY clear what the boundaries were...basically, no sex before marriage. I've never had a problem with it and look forward to giving my virginity to my husband on our wedding night.
My sex talk from my dad came when I was playing little league baseball. I wanted to play catcher, so I had to get a cup. On the carride home I asked my dad why I needed a cup and got a whole lot more of an answer than I was expecting....
But my dad never really talked about sexuality with me...just "where babies come from" and "messing around with girls is bad."
sometimes I kinda wish he had said more...like about masturbation and all that fun stuff...but he didn't, so whatever.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - It happens. But people in conservative, evangelical Christian communities (not unlike the one I grew up in and got the hell away from as soon as I could) tend to get married earlier than the rest of the country anyways. I have no idea why that is, but it's looked down on to be older than 24 and single....So I think it's more than simply sex, there are social pressures as well. That said, there are also a lot of non-Christian couples I know who got married way earlier than they should have.
@Kristenmomof3@xanga - that's your only boundry? So everything right up until then is okay...I just can't stick it in? First of all, speaking from experience that doesn't work (alcohol kills proprioception, I'll let you figure out what happened), and secondly, even if someone is technically a virgin that does not mean they are "sexually pure." I went to High School with WAY to many goody goodies who thought "everything up until sex is okay," and went at it with a will while nursing their "holier than thou complex,"....until they didn't stop and banged whovever....after that they tended to mellow out a bit. All I'm saying.
much love
@Coincidentally@xanga - Good question.
Think of it this way, suppose you have a boyfriend (whom we'll call bfA), and the furthest you ever go is kissing. Then you have bfB, whom you sleep with. Which one is going to be easier to get over, and easier to explain to bfC?
Sex, in general, complicates things (See any episode of Scrubs where JD and Elliot hook up for an excellent example...sorry...I tend to link Scrubs to everyday situations). That said it's a very beautiful thing when it doesn't, but that's not your question.
As for why Christians bitch endlessly about "what's acceptable and what's not," (which is a bad way of looking at the argument in the first place, but anyways) that's partly to nurse God-complexes, but it has a valid point...or at least did at sometime long ago. Oxytocin is the hormone that is released during orgasm and does some crazy things to the human mind. Anything in foreplay that releases Oxytocin (most notably nipple stimulation) also messes with the head. Basically foreplay, like sex, has the potential to make things way more complicated than they need to be....and that makes it dangerous (not inherently bad, but dangerous)
That's my two cents, and just because I can, I'll through in the cliché answers of "If you have sex, you will get and STD and you will die!" (Mean Girls reference), and "oops babies."
I'm sorry if that doesn't make complete sense...I just woke up and haven't had my "Good morning cigarette" yet...
much love
Some Christian parents treat sex like it's taboo, and avoid talking about it altogether. Their only message is "wait til you're married." They don't talk about why waiting is a good idea. They don't talk about the emotional aspects of sex and relationships, they don't talk about feeling guilty about sexual curiousity. To me, that's not doing your kids any favors. I grew up in a pseudo-Christian household and learned about sex from my friends - the same friends who showed me pornography and made it seem OK. My parents didn't talk about sex with me. I wish they had. I wish I had an adult in my life when I was a teen who gave me reasons to wait. Besides the pregnancy and STD risks associated with sex, I had to deal with the guilt and the embarrassment of doing something I wasn't ready to do. It shaped the way I thought about sex into my adult life, when I finally did come to know Christ. It still affects how I feel about sex with my husband at times. The images I filled my head with at a young age don't just go away.
@sheepthatsblack@xanga - I totally agree with you about attitudes toward sex. I knew far too many Christians who did everything but have sex, who were addicted to pornography, and who lived a secret life of shame because of it - because nobody wants to take it on "heads-on" and be open and honest about it. Purity is a condition of the heart also, not just the body.
Thanks for bringing topics like this in the Light!
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - Sex had nothing to do with why I got married at 18.
My mom started teaching me about sex at an early age. As I got older she would give me more age appropriate information. When I was in the fifth grade my mom took me on a weekend away just me and her. We spent hours in the car driving from Long Island, NY to Pennsylvania. During the drive she put it a tape series by James Dobson called Preparing for Adolescence. We would listen for a little while and then we'd talk about what I had learned: my thoughts, feelings, questions, etc. While in Pennsylvania we had some mother/daughter bonding time where we went to see a play, went shopping, etc. At the end of the trip she gave me a ring with two hearts one had a key and one had a cross. The idea was that Jesus had the key to my heart and I wouldn't have sex until I traded my promise ring for a wedding ring.
My parents never had the "sex talk" with either myself or my four sisters, and maybe that is unfortunate in some ways -- all four of my siblings had premarital sex, even though they were taught in the Bible that it is wrong. I thank the Lord though that I the Bible at least got through to me that you should wait, and that waiting isn't a bad thing.
I do have to wonder though, if our parents had felt comfortable enough to tell us the dangers and consequences in all regards (spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc.), would that have made a difference for my sisters?
***I think it is SO important that parents talk to their children about this; like you said, parents "have the abililty to shape their children's view of sexuality rather than leaving it to the world..."
At a very young age I started talking with my daughter about dating. What is the purrpose of dating? To find a mate.
Until you are mate ready, you are not dating ready. Dating is to find a mate, not for mating. Sex is awesome inside the bounds of its design.
My mom bought me a book from a garage sale, about menstruation, and then asked me what I thought of Sex. Ed. when I got to it. =D
Actually, I think I know more about sex (and look at it from a more logical point of view) than many of my peers.
@Issie - See, the thing is, if Christians put themselves in that position with their siginificant other, then how do they expect to stay out of temptation when they're practically welcoming it.
@Christie - I agree. I actually spoke to the couple about it but they were really defensive and upset that I brought it up. The guy thought everything was cool as long as people don't know about it. (I was staying with the girl until recently, that's how I was in the loop.) I guess they were more concerned about having a Christian image than being truly Christian.
Never had one. Never will. Oh well! My mom is very shy to talk about those things; she who got married at 16 or 17 and gave birth 6 times.