Tuesday, 01 July 2008
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Keeping Your Marriage Alive
by mrs lily 
At my church on Wednesday nights we have dinner together before the men, women and children split off into their respective groups. Sometimes we sort of segregate during the meals, and on this particular occasion, I walked over from my table of ladies to the men’s table to tell my husband, Shane, that I was going to class. At my approach the men huddled around the table fell silent and questioned my presence with their facial expressions.“I just came over to say bye and to let you know I’m about to head over there,” I said. I didn’t think this was anything out of the ordinary.
“Oh, of course,” Shane, who obviously doesn't find this out of the ordinary, either, welcomed me and reached up for a kiss.
“That’s a newlywed for you!” Several men grunted a enthusiastic laugh. Another one joined in, “Oh honey”, in a falsetto voice, “I’m going 30 feet down the hall, I am going to miss you so much!” Another hearty laugh followed. Shane and I exchanged an understanding look before we smooched again and I waved goodbye to the others before walking away.
While this particular instance happened only weeks ago, my husband and I have received similar (if not much worse) responses from all sorts of couples since the very mention of marriage when we were courting. “Wait a couple of years,” they told us, as if they think because they are unhappy, everyone else has to be too.
There is a saying that says, “Good marriages happen on purpose, bad marriages happen by default.” I really believe that we have to take the time and show careful attention to intentionally develop and strengthen a marriage in order for it to be successful. We cannot expect to live on a honeymoon high forever, but it doesn’t have to result in resentful, dejected disappointment because it isn’t the way it used to be, either. When the initial excitement begins to wear it should be being replaced with something deeper. It should always be developing, always learning, always growing stronger.
I have been thinking about the parallels of marriage to our relationship with Christ, and how it too is something we have to constantly be cultivating in order for it to grow. God’s heart is for marriage never for it to wear out, because it is meant to be a reflection of our relationship with Him which is also meant to keep growing. It is so easy to get into a routine and sort of forget these things, but I think it's something we need to be deliberately working on every day.
If you are married, what are you doing to keep your marriage growing? If you are a Christian, what are you actively doing right now to grow in your relationship with Christ?
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Comments (29)
i like this. good stuff.
I am sorry, revlife, but I am not interested in Church.
I am interested in stories about things that are on fire, bitches, pokemon, and most importantly, kitties. If you decide to ever cover any of those topics, please notify me.
Sincerely,
Nicholas
Keeping our marriage alive? Making sure to take time for each other, without the children, even if it's just 5 minutes while he gets ready fr work. We've also revived family outings where we have to *gasp* drive. The gas price in the monster van once a month is worth it. We also go out one morning a month and have donuts together.
My relationship with Christ? I must confess that I am struggling with actively renewing and reviving, refreshing it. But that's another area my husband and I encourge each other. Challenges to reading the Bible, Bible studies with the children-a current one is the Proverbs 31 woman with my Teenager and my 10 year old.
Why do we find it so hard to strengthen that relationship wth Him?
you're right, they're silly!
I'm recently married, and taking my honeymoon to Japan next month. And I hope that my marriage never gets to the point where my husband and I are so bored with each other that we can't even give each other a quick kiss before breaking off into different groups at church, for example. But maybe the church should start having married couple groups as well.
@pictureyourselfwearingmakeup@xanga - No one is forcing you to come here, silly.
@pictureyourselfwearingmakeup@xanga - Don't you know that Revelife is a Christian extension of Xanga?
I have been married for just about two years now and I can honestly say that the love in our marriage is still alive and well. We still kiss like 20 times a day and we still like to eat dinner on the couch together while watching our favorite show or a movie. I would say one thing that we do that is very important to me is to go to bed early once in a while so we can have time to lay there and talk about stuff in a nice relaxed setting. We are closer now than we were when we got married and we are very happy. I heard many of the same "warnings" when we first got married so I am very glad to say those predictions did not come true for us. We still love being married!
and what's even funnier is that physiologically according to many "experts" after 2 years, that whole honeymoon phase dies off...
all i can say when I get married.... there is NO WAY i'll let that happen...
i'm in it for life, for fun, and ultimately for the Glory of God... and more or less... that quote holds true... a marriage happens on purpose.... just like love is an act of the will...
sigh... now all God needs to do is bring the girl i love back to me... mercifully giving me another chance with her....
We've been married awhile, and the most important thing I can pass along is to focus on the good things. If you focus on the bad things, things you don't like, things that irritate you, bother you, or just rub your fur backwards, (and there will be many) you are going to defeat your marriage yourself. Make it a point to pay attention to the good things.
Remind yourself often of why you fell in love with him/her in the first place. Many of the things that attracted you in the beginning will magically become things that annoy you later on. If you will keep your perspective and focus on the good things, remembering why you fell in love, it will make everything so much better.
I do a 30 day challenge in my blog once a year. I write 30 entries of what I love about my husband. It changes everything. It'll fix a bad situation, and improve a good one. It helps you keep your mind off of "poor ol' me", and over on your spouse's good points. WONDERFUL! Come over to my blog and see if you're interested. You'll have to go back awhile. I can't remember when I started it. I don't do one every day. Just when I can.
I've been married for almost 32 years, and I can say with all honesty, it was the best thing I ever did! My husband and I are more "in love" with each other than we ever were when we first got married. God is first in our lives and in our marriage. The important thing is to "look out for the best interests of the other person...ahead of your own." If you take care of the other person, they will take care of you! Don't keep a list of hurts, forgive often, laugh often and take time for each other! Say "I love you" every day, lots of times a day, and kiss often each day and hug alot! When kids come, always put your spouse before the children, invest in your marriage first of all. The kids will grow up and leave, so invest in each other. Ok, enough preaching! Your marriage can "go the distance." It takes God, hard work, time and lots of love! Here's to a life long marriage! Blessings on your day!
My husband and I have been married for a month and a half and we have received similar comments from parents and friends. I honestly think the biggest reason why marriages wear out is the breaking down of communication and the loss of focus. We try very hard to pray for each other daily and put the others needs before our own. It is when we continue to serve each other that our relationship is strong. When we get selfish and bitter our relationship falters.
I pray that you and your husband can set an example in your church of how to keep strong. Also you may want to bring your concern up with your pastor, maybe those couples are in need of a good marriage retreat.
I've never been married, but in long-term relationships, I try to keep the magic by doing little things for him, like cleaning up for him when he's at work, or wrestling him for some prized possession that one of us has "stolen."
Above all, it's important to tell the other person what he means to you, and how much you appreciate him. Honesty and admitting when there's a problem in a relationship (and how to fix it) are essential, too.
And having a damn good sex life doesn't hurt, either - number one thing I would recommend to both genders is to do as much research as you can, and then take notice of what your spouse does and doesn't like. Ladies, "faking it" is never a good idea, particularly if you're married (which I'd imagine most people here want to be before sex.)
we've been married a bit over 2 years now and still act like that. people really shouldn't be bragging that their marriage isn't.
i think that the most important things to keep your marriage going are mutual selfless love and a good relationship with God. our culture is so into ourselves and i think that it's a huge problem.
@mamalove@momaroo - imma have to agree with you on that one... our culture is SOOOO self-centered that it seeped into the church and ultimately affected our way we percieve what's good based on scripture but made us change the way we ought to view what God intended for good and ultimately will carry out because...
quite frankly... Marriage isn't man's institution where man has to exert control and force to make it work... marriage was established by God there for it'll be God's responsibility to see it through as the people are in line with Him... and as they walk with Him both as husband and wife...
i'm with you there mamalove..
@KechiNeko244@xanga - Maybe god is.@musterion99@xanga - No, I was not aware of that information.
My husband and i are christian, but unfortunately I don't feel like we are doing anything to grow in Christ. If anything , my husband and I are having a hard time trusting in the Lord right now with our financial burdens, and this in turn is turning us away from having a spiritual relationship. If you must know how we keep the romance alive, well, we make it a game where if our 7 month old son wakes up in the middle of the night, we will make love after we put him back to sleep since we are up anyway, and hey it's always better in the middle of the night!!! More romantic if you will.
i think reading the psalms is a good way for me to set my mood back to god. even though life has it's up's and downs God promises to be our joy and strength above circumstances. so it's important to continually renew our minds to his word and preach the gospel to ourselves.
this is a great sermon by John Piper whenever you have spiritual depression.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2008/2806/
@pictureyourselfwearingmakeup@xanga - Ok, well now you know. You're still welcome to come back and comment. There are other people who comment here that aren't Christians.
We've been married 54 years. Survived the "golden glow " of those first years...all the problems and trials, arguments and bumps in the road..financial struggles, raising children, in laws, etc. etc. It wasn't easy and it wasn't perfect..
We made a committment. We vowed that we would put God first, others second and self last. We didn't always live up to that but....Life is a constant growing or one stagnates and dies. We are each other's best friends and our friendship has grown throughout those years.
I'm wondering why "nicholas" bothered to comment at all. He seems to be building his house upon sand. With the exception of "kitties", the other interests are shallow and do not endure. Churches are not perfect but a place to learn, to share, to pray together and to grow in our love and fellowship with other brothers and sisters in Christ.
At every wedding my husband and I attend, at some point during the event (usually during the reception when there's a moment where the bride and groom are alone at their table), we give them what we call the Steve and Lisa Bride and Groom Blessing. It goes something like this:
"People are going to come to you and tell you that the love you feel today won't stay this intense, this passionate, this amazing. They will tell you that there will be days when you wake up and wonder why you married him/her. They will tell you that over time, the fiery flames of passion will ebb to a calm glow of embers. When they tell you these things, don't listen."
My husband and I will celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary next Sunday. I can say with complete honesty that the passion in our relationship today dwarfs what we felt as two "children" at the altar (actually I *was* technically a child at 16 LOL).
Over the years people kept saying, "You HAVE to have a weekly date night. You have to get away from those kids for a while! You have to attend marriage seminars and retreats. You have to..." and we rarely did the things people said we had to do. We would just smile and hold hands (and usually pinch each other's butts as soon as the well-meaning advisor's back was turned).
How have we done it (besides not listening to all the advice people are so eager to give)? Here's our method. You ready?
1. Keep God in the center.
2. Think of the other above yourself.
3. Dump the 50/50 marriage deal BEFORE the wedding, and commit to 100/100 effort from both sides (which covers the days when one is a 10).
4. Don't make issues of things.
Simple. Effective. Proven.
And for us, it's been (and still is) a wild and wonderful ride.
Blue
During our first argument we agreed never to use the "D" word. We agreed that we would do whatever it took to resolve our disagreements. We also bought the first 12 Gary Smalley's "Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships" recordings and ended up showing them to other married couples. Then we agreed to go to one marriage conference a year to innoculate ourselves before the problems came up. We agreed to put our marriage ahead of everything else but God, Himself.
These things helped shore us up for the stormy weather every relationship goes through, and ours had some doozies. But with the equipping we had received we found our way through each of them relatively quickly, finding increased intimacy on the other side each time.
Marriage is expensive on the emotions, but it buys what nothing else can buy - maturity and intimacy not just with one's partner, but with the third party in the marriage - God.
So far the two biggest bits of info w/r to my relationship with Abba are that He's safe to hear anything and everything that's on my heart. He is already aware of it anyway. The second is that I can hear from Him if I'll wait on Him when I pray in discussion format - as if I were talking to my closest friends.
I also have a group of friends who know how to hear Him when they pray for one another. I often give myself up to Him and trust them to hear from Him when I'm having a hard time hearing from Him.
I discuss with Him what I'm reading when I read the Bible or some theological treatise. When I have questions I ask Him. If I don't get an answer right away I assume that either its not important or He'll answer later.
I also do as Brother Lawrence did in his monastery - I keep Abba with me all day long, as much as I can remember to. When I'm at work I ask Him for help with my work. When I walk the halls I keep in conversation with Him. When I do yardwork I have discussions with Him. When I have conversations with other people I picture Him in the circle and include Him in the conversations quietly in my head.
Enjoy the hugs, kisses and all the fun you and your hubby have together. As you priorityize your relationship with each other and Abba you will find deeper and richer intimacy with one another. Some things may wear off and others may remain. Don't compare your relationship with others - it is unique. That is not to say that you shouldn't keep seeking from other older couples what they do to foster the love you admire in their relationships. But don't let others' problems enter into your relationship.
May your three way relationship bond grow ever stronger and more rewarding in Jesus' name. And may you both always care more what Abba thinks about you than what your spouse thinks about you. May you both give the other the freedom to obey Him rather than each other. You shall have only one God before you.
We have been married for 5 years this fall, and can I tell you time has flown by! I love my husband more now, than I did 5 years ago. Yes we go through hard times, stressful times, financial lows. But we have to view everything as just another step in our journey together as we press on to the calling and vision that God has for us as a couple and as a family. Before we ever said I do, we committed to each other that we would never divorce. It isn't an option for us. Both coming from broken families, we wanted to have a love and life that was God centered, for ourselves and our family. A few things we have committed to as well:
1. Never go to bed angry. Even if you have to stay up till 3am talking about all of the issues.
1. We are on the Same Team
1. Men need Respect, Women need Love. First and foremost. Showing respect to my husband is how he feels loved. Showing Love to me makes me feel respected. It's a circle. (Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
1. It's not about 50/50, its about each giving 100%
1. Marriage is like a tree branch, it has to bend a little or it will break. By bending I mean in our opinions, desires, wants, needs...Nothing that is foundational, but in the every day type of things.
passing thru.
i've been married almost 5 years and we dont have kids yet. i know kids change your approach to your marriage just a bit. the thing that has got us thru everything is COMMUNICATION. the only times we've had major problems have been when we weren't communication. we make it a point to share a feeling a day.
and i agree with joelandliz, it's not 50/50. it's about 100% each. very true.
I completely understand. My husband and I have been married only six months and we have gotten those same remarks. One thing our pastor told us before we got married is that every night before bed, look each other in the eyes and ask "How did I hurt you today? How did I bless you today?". It seems silly but it really makes you feel better. It's easy to only ask on days that were good and no stupid disagreements happened but it's so refreshing to be able to ask and know - especially on those days that did hurt. Another thing he also said was to have at least one night every week that is only for the two of you. No TV. No dishes. No kids. Just you and you spouse. Talking, praying, listening - for the entire evening.