Wednesday, 25 June 2008
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Leaving My Father, Leaving My Home
from dreamingfree
I'm sitting here in my kitchen drinking a Diet Coke and eating peanut noodles. I love all things Thai, really. But this morning, instead of focusing on the chirping birds, I find myself angry. It's a good thing my house is empty because, truthfully, I feel like I want to cry. I called out from work today. I woke up and thought, "It is going to do me no good to try and help others with their problems as I avoid mine."I came home last night to have "the other shoe drop" as the saying goes. I've been waiting for it in the back of my mind and in my heart. When you live with an alcoholic, sometimes, it's all you can do to count on the fact that there will be a bad day somewhere in the future. I listened to my father scream at me, and I refused to yell back. I'm sure I've got the ability somewhere in my heart, but I didn't want to try it out. Sometimes, I'm afraid of exactly what I'd say. Instead of saying to myself, "Liz, you're a disappointment!" I think I'd say, "Father, you break my heart every time you open your mouth" with a few more adjectives and tears there.
I need to pray today friends, because honestly?
I know my time in this house is ending, and that's fine... I just don't want to leave bitter and angry.
I listened to him rant and rave, and I knew my heart was breaking. It was breaking because I continually hope for better from him. I continually wish I had a father figure who could tell me how valuable I am, rather than all of the ugly words I've been used to. I hope for so much, and then, it hit me.
I hope because I have God.
Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord God will have me.
As that Scripture came to mind, I just decided to walk away. Yes, I could have left. I could have gone to my pastor's house. I could have slept there just fine. But I went up into the bedroom I've had all my life, and I cried into my pillow. I cried and I know every tear was counted by God our Father.
I see my father, and I don't see anything I desire for my life and walk in Christ. I see a broken man, a prideful man, a man so utterly lost. I see him and I want to say, "Dad, if you call on God, He will run to you." He runs when we call on Him. Maybe I just want my Dad to be loved. I think I want it so badly because I've never felt that love or protection from him...only from God.
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Comments (10)
How can you so honestly feel that love from God when you don't feel it from your family? I am not trying to discount that you feel it. Heaven knows...I wish I had the assurance that you do!! I have been in your shoes (and continue in many ways to be) with your earthly father.
You are an amazing example. Thank you for writing. I will pray for your dad. I will also pray that you feel the love of Father God in a very real way during this difficult time. You know that if you feel like crying, you can cry to Him, and He will hold you.
Much love.
This is a marvelous illustration of that scripture.
Marvelous not because of the illustration, but because you have understood the 'Spirit' behind the words. You have understood the Fathers heart for YOU.
I thank God that despite your lack of fathering from your earthly father that this hasn't stopped you feeling Gods love, this is such a blessing. I pray that nothing, EVER will get in the way of that. And on your bad days, I pray that nothing will affect that knowledge, regardless of what you THINK or FEEL.
Keep overcoming, keep pressing on, finish the race strong.
Bless you
x
I, too have been in your shoes. I have felt that pain for a parent and for myself. That pain will become a part of you as you grow older and it's your decision if it's for better or worse. Reading your words and seeing that you know God's love for you, no matter what, I know it will make you a better person and a better parent when that day comes. That was the amazing turning point for me...when I realized that my Father loves me just the same and it never changes. (quoting Paul Wright, lol) It is amazing. Our Father will see you through this chapter and help to renew and start your new path.
You are in my prayers.
My father was also an alcoholic. My relationship with him and God didnt change until I moved out. NOt until about 2 or three years later when I was really out of the house. Just about a year ago I came to a point where I finally understood why he was the way he was, but had such a sadness in my heart because if only he knew the Lord he wouldnt have to feel like this any longer. Ive prayed for years and have even come to the point of such anger towards him where I didnt feel as though I could pray for him (it seemed useless) but just this year God reminded me that all things are possible with him, and to keep praying and believe my prayers. I had a friend who had father who was just the same and it took him laying on his death bed to come to know god and tell his family how much he truly loved them. His wife and children will vouch to say that his last year of life was the best year they have ever known with him. He commited his life to God at this time and asked for forgiveness to his family and to God. he went home with a sense of assurance as to where he was going and left his children with a great memory of him rather than the past memories. It just had to be in Gods perfect timing. Keep praying friend. Keep believing and wanting more for him.
I'm keeping you in my prayers, sister. I pray God gives you the encouragement to press on, every day.
i haven't been through this, but it blessed me and encouraged me in ways that i can't even tell you. thank you for sharing and i will be praying for you. :)
bless your courage dear - and your willingness to speak - you are not alone -
Now I see you. Now I pray for you. I thank God for His grace to you. Hugs if you want them.
the Ol' Geezer,
a foster dad for Christ Jesus
this hits close to home for me. my father has issues with alcoholism, depression, anger, and who knows what else. i wish that i had the opportunity to leave without the bitterness but he left before i could. i have been working hard on forgiving him for a while now. there is so much hurt that i don't know how long it will take. my biggest stumbling block is that he continually hurts me and my family.
i am praying that God will bring us both through this. and i know that He will because He is always faithful. praise God that we can receive that fatherly love through him.
thank you for sharing your story.