Wednesday, 25 June 2008
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Breaking up with God?
I received a message the other day from a revelifer that is going through a difficult situation. With her permission I posted the message below so that other revelifers that have gone through something similiar can encourage her.
I've been a Christian since I was three...well that's when I first gave my life to christ. I grew up in a Christian family. My parents are missionaries. I've always had my ups and downs, going through a big move in high school, being a rebelious teen, learning to deal with difficult situations at college but through all of these I have always leaned on God. I never was angry at him or stopped believing. But this past month I have been struggling.
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me out of the blue. I am hurt and confused. I thought God had put him in my life for a reason. I don't just "date" to have someone there. I truly believed God wanted me to be with him. This may sound dumb and all since I'm only 22. But I was just at the point in my relationship with this guy where all I was waiting for was for him to ask me to marry him. And instead he broke everything off.
Since the break up I have tried to call out to God for help...but He doesn't seem to answer. I've tried meditating on His word....but it just doesn't seem to heal my wounds. I have heard it all before....it takes time....give your hurt to God....He will never leave you. I know all of this is true...but I think I'm angry at him and it scares me because I have never been before.
I still believe in Him but it's hard because I don't see why I should anymore. I honestly don't even know why I am writing this to you. I don't know who you guys are or anything....but I just thought maybe you can pray for me. I'm kinda in the dumps now. I am still a happy person and I've gone on with life but deep down inside I know I'm not okay because it still hurts...
I think the majority of us have been in a situation like this before and can understand what she's going through. Can anyone share their experience with a breakup and how a broken relationship influenced their relationship with God?
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Comments (39)
Yeah...I've been there. I know every situation is different so I'm not going to claim I know "exactly how you feel," but I have felt feelings very similar. I gave my heart to a younge man for 2 years (4 would be alot harder I'm sure). I convinced myself that he was God's will for my life and when he broke up with me, I blamed it all on God. I wasn't really angry, I just sort of shut off my relationship with Him. Now, looking back, I know it was God's will but in a totally different way then I thought it was. For one thing, I realized that what I thought I needed in a man was actually just the opposite of what I needed..and once I did find the right man, I treasured him in a way I never would have if I hadn't gone through the first relationship. And when I finally did realize that God did know best the whole time...my relationship with Him flourished and I realized and I had actually put that guy before God.
I know it's extremely hard now, but I want to encourage you not to give up on God. Keep doing what you're doing even if it seems not to help...God always helps. This is one of those times where you won't see the footprints in the sand beside yours because He's carrying you.
And know that I'll be praying for you.
I have been so angry with God that I have cursed at Him. The truth is, though, that our anger doesn't change Him, and we are just as safe as if we were not angry. It's ok to express anger at God. He understands, and He knows it hurts. I would recommend making a list of Scriptures that talk about God's faithfulness and then reading them when you feel overwhelmed. Also, sometimes you just have to dig your heels in and say, "I know what I believe no matter how I feel." It is true that God will hold you in His arms when you are ready, but He's not mad if it takes time. I have an incurable disease, and sometimes I get very angry about it, but I'm still God's child. My feelings don't change the truth of the fact that God is who He says He is.
Think about a toddler who is angry and hurt because his dad won't let him have something he wants. His anger doesn't make his dad love him any less, and it doesn't make him stop being his dad's child. In fact, his dad would be delighted to hold him close and comfort him, but he is willing to wait until His child is ready. That's how God is.
The Bible says that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted" (Psalm 34:18, NIV).
i went through the same exact thing. right before college, my ex-bf of 3 years just stopped talking to me. i was going away for college, but we shared dreams of me graduating early and coming home to him. the first year of college was so hard, i cried for a year almost every night, but i still went on living life. i didn't know why God took him away. talking to my fellowship friends didn't help because after awhile they got tired of hearing about it.
it's ok to be in pain and mad at God, don't rush it. cry, weep, have someone there to cry with you. Remember though, God's heart does break when yours is breaking. He may seem far but He is crying with you too because you are brokenhearted.
one thing that really help me was that yes, God may have taken him away but really he wants to replace it with a much greater gift. it'll be hard to see now. Like Dennis_girl14, I put the guy first. i'm so happily engaged and i would not trade my fiance for the guy i still consider my first love.
Though I am only 15, I have had an experience similar to this and I have friends who have had or who are going through what she is going through. A recent friend of mine has been discouraged by some other christians. A long story short, he hasn't been to church in two years and seems to be stubborn in his decision. I have many reasons to believe he is a christian without a doubt but he doesn't want to have any fellowship and join his family to go to a church. No, the Bible doesn't say that you must go to church but church is for fellowship and support. But he doesn't want any.
With her case she wants help, or she wouldn't have messaged you. My advice is that she continues to pray and read the word and fellowship with fellow christians. And if she feels the need to she can Fast. But it is all up to the Lord. Who knows? Maybe this is a test for her, or the Lord seperated her from him to prevent something from happening. Whatever happens, it is in his will.
Strange.... Though I cannot say that I have gone through a break-up that effect my relationship with God. For one thing, I have never had a break-up this bad. Secondly, even when I did have a break-up, I didn't have God in my life that was a big part of it.
However, I have the simplair EMOTIONAL experince. I am not sure if this would make any difference on the whole situation, or even help highlight the experince.
I have been betrayed, feeling that it was from God. Though off the head, I cannot say or explain why I had felt that way. The only thing stand is that I remember the pain. The struggles.
For so long I have cried out to God and it seems that I was only shouting into His "deaf" ears. Where was God when I needed Him?
Eventually our relationship have been put off. Everything else was more important than God, whom at the moment seemed to be out of the picture and didn't care.
Of course, my life got messier more and more everyday since He and I "broke" up. When I was able to get myself straighten up into the sense to realize that no matter how hard I tried, I can never get my life right without God.
Eventually, about five years of searching for God, we found our place and we are able to work it out together, God and me. I should have thought this way before that God has been my boyfriend for so long while I was a lonely single woman.
That we should have had relationship before any man walks in my life and becomes a part of it. I have wished to have been told that this is the best step, that there WILL be hard days when everything seems to be gloomy between me and God, the same idea as what happened between me and my mother or even my own brother.
Though we would have had fights or disagreement, there will come a day we will apologize and make up for it, laugh it off and move on.
There has been time when something repeatedly happened or appears that never clicked until the right time when I realized something... sometimes there has been time when it was just out of the blue when I would suddenly finally click it with God.
I douno if there is really ANYTHING that has to get our attention or bring our mind to God that will help us to snap out of the hardways. It is really basically just as it goes. One day, it would all make sense.
No explaination on HOW it made sense. Or why...
So if suddenly out of the blue, a boyfriend of four years just walks out like as if it was nothing, God got an idea what He wanna do. It make sense to Him, not you.. at least not yet. It will make sense later on...
Maybe in this situation you're greifing, you will happen to meet someone else... maybe in this experince you will meet a new friend that is calling it quit because s/he is in the same situation but you helped them walk it through and move on....
Maybe, it is not about you. But someone else.
i think it's safe to say that i know how this girl feels. i was in a relationship with a guy for about 3.5 years and he decided that he needed his freedom and i was preventing him from having healthy friendships with his guys. (he broke up with me in the middle of finals in college.) i was so torn about it; my friends and i ended up partying a lot and trying to live up the single life. that definitely did me no good and i eventually realized that God was being a jealous God. i had invested so much time and energy into this relationship that i had pushed God out of my life when i wanted to have fun in my relationship. i thought that God had meant for us to be together, but realized that i couldn't be with anyone until my relationship with God was strong. then i realized some more, that God would watch over him, regardless of whether or not he was with me. it was then that i was ready to come back to God because i felt i had nothing left after the relationship.
point is, i know how this girl feels and i've been there and i got through it with lots of prayer and listening to God whisper to me His plans and His love for me. it sounds cliche, but it's the truth and it got me through a really difficult semester. i hope she yells at God and asks Him why this happened. He's definitely listening and He'll reveal His purpose for it sooner or later.
Sometimes for no reason things like these happen and we are left wondering why. There could be so many reasons, maybe a test of faith, maybe there was something going on inside of him and he wanted to work it out. Maybe God wants to work on you both seperately.
Try asking God why, and then ask yourself, What is your vision because if you don't share the same vision you will be going in diffrent directions. Take some time out for yourself and Jesus. You never know the other end until it is revealed. But remember God turns out everything that is bad and seems bad for good.
Let Jesus be your first, the top, and thank Him for everything - even things like this and see what He does. My prayers are with you and i know God has huge plans for something that seems so bad.
At the age of 29, I found myself married to someone who decided that he no longer wanted to be married. And, to add insult to injury, he denied Christ. Completely and totally denied Jesus. It was devastating. I lived 2 states away from my support system, so on a cold winter morning, I called my parents and told them to come get me. I had no car. No place to live. He told me to leave. I'm not sure what the conversation was between me and God, but I know it was not pretty. I moved home; 29 years old and living with my parents. I walked that wilderness for months. Every day God revealed a little to me about what had happened, and why it happened. He taught me to love myself (something that was completely foreign to me) and He showed me that my life was not over. That I needed to deny myself and live for Him. I have only looked back in awe and wonder. Where am I today? Married to a godly man. Mom to two amazing little girls. And, serving God in youth ministry. Breakups are awful. But they are not the end. They are in fact a beginning. A learning experience. A wilderness. Talk to God, no matter what. He can handle anything we throw at Him!
@punk_rock_mommy - wow, that's a lot to go through. i'm glad to know that you are where God wants you to be.
If he broke up with her, it's obvious that he's not the right one for her... why get angry with God about that? Sounds like she was saved a lot of trouble... if you marry someone that is not right for you, in the end, you would be much worse off. And it's not like God goes around zapping people making them love you, either they do or they don't. Plus not like God is going around beating people up with circumstances like this, but maybe he wanted to use this to show the person how much of their happiness they placed on a person, and not God.
When we get mad at God for something, we need to ask are we really using him to get what we want? And when we don't get what we want, since that is what makes us content and happy, not God, it really can be a form of idolatry. We are by nature idolatrous, so it's a great question to ask ourselves any time we get angry with God after not getting what we want.
the boy i was going to marry cheated on me this spring.
almost five months later is still hurts like crazy.
but while it took time, god was still there. and thats what im seeing now. but for a while it didnt feel like he even cared. hang in there. keep praying. hold onto the times that god has been there as reminders and dont give up your faith. its going to take time. maybe months, maybe years, but if its not okay, then its not the end yet.
thats my advice for you.
<33
I have experienced extreme heartbreak before. Though it was not a relationship that lasted 4 years, it was still deep enough that I became weighed by a heavy depression. My feelings toward God weren't of anger but of disillusionment -- as though nothing else existed but my pain. It's not that I had lost the desire to talk to God, nor did I consciously decide not to pray or be in the Word. Rather, I felt a complete and total absence and emptiness. I was in a daze. I saw happiness behind me, and the misery of the present stretched out before me.
There really is no magic formula or fix-all answer that could possibly resolve this feeling. That's probably why so many cliches seem to be associated with emotional turmoil. I say with as much seriousness as I possibly can -- it will take time. It's very likely that some scarring may always remain. Your heart will never be like it was before your hurt. It's very important not to let the feelings you have now turn to bitterness. Although your relationship might be over, don't let your relationship end between you and God. Nothing is more important. Remember that at end end of the first chapter of Job, we are told, "In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God."
The best advice that I can give is to just be honest with God. Let Him know that this hurts you. Ask Him to help you. It's okay to tell Him you don't understand. But hold fast to His promises: "I will never leave you comfortless; I will come to you" (John 14:18). "He heals the broken heart and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). "Be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart, all who trust in the Lord" (Psalm 31:24). You may find that being real with God is the thing that will strengthen your heart the most, maintain your relationship with Him, and keep you from bitterness.
The psalmest writes in Psalm 6, "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping, and drench my couch with tears" and then says in Psalm 30, "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." In His favor is life. Fret not, tender one. Someone is praying for you.
Gabriel
I've never posted on this before...but I was skimming through this person's letter and it struck me how similar her situation was to mine a year and half ago. My boyfriend of 4 years also broke off our relationship literally out of the blue because he said he didn't love me anymore and that his love for me was "decreasing." They were harsh words to take in considering he was always the one who believed in our relationship and us getting married. In that time, God really revealed what love meant. It's not the crazy butterfly feelings that the secular world so bravely proclaims as love...but it's a choice and a decision. I can't express to you how hurt I was during that time...but I can certainly sympathize with how you must be feeling. I know it hurts like crazy...but trust me when I say this....God's preparing someone else for you. And how can I say that with such certainty? Because fast forward a year and a half after my horrible break up....I met someone that fits me perfectly. It's like a match made in heaven that only God could have orchestrated. So...pray unceasingly because God is catching every tear that falls.
you're not alone girL, weeping with you, zan
Honey, I have no idea about what you are feeling in this particular instance. But I do know what it is like to be angry at GOD.
Even when later on I could see the reasons behind His actions, at the time those emotions are very raw and very real.
God is SO much bigger than what you are feeling right now, lay it all down. Write it out, scream it, pray it, sing it, cry it- but whatever you do don't lock it all away some place in your heart and pretend that all is ok.
Psalms tells us that God requires TRUTH in our inward parts. Work through it, get to the bottom of it, the why you feel let down, the how he has let you down, your dashed hopes and dreams, the desires of your heart.
Lay them all down at Jesus feet. And when you have bundled it all up, and it is sitting there for Him.... throw yourself down there as well.
By this time you if you have REALLY let God know how you feel, you will feel empty and raw and burnt and incredibly vulnerable.
This is the time, when there is no more left too say, that God usually starts to whisper too us. Whisper about his love, his grace his mercy, his faithfulness, his kindness and goodness, his BEST plans for us, his romans 8 plans, those that are victorious and conquer, those that can not separate us from His love for us.
He may even show you some things in your own life that you may not be proud of, or like very much, but you will be in a place where He will be right there with you in all of that, and His Holy Spirit will lead you to repentance- which will lead you too reconciliation and redemption.
Lay it down girl, get it out.
And let Jesus love on you some
((((((((((((((( bless you precious one))))))))))))))
x
hey girl...I can relate very much to your situation when my boyfriend of 5 years walked out with another christian girl. It crushed my heart and I never found myself for months. one of the things that i had to constantly fight with was the constant nightmare in my dreams and waking up to face reality. like you did, i seeked for answers in the Bible, cried out to the Lord, and at one point, i just completely gave up on Christ.
our relationship with God is based on faith. all He asked from us is faith the size of a mustard seed that will move mountains. faith is believing in something in something you cannot see. we are bound to be hurt and we are bound to be disappointed for we live in a fallen world. what we choose to do with that hurt and disappointment will either allow us to grow stronger in our walk with the Lord or it will mean that we are walking wounded.
i know, saying it seems easier. you can read till the words blur out and yet it might not mean anything to you.
go take walks and watch the world go by. know that it is okie to feel the pain and own it. to feel disappointed and to be hurt. know that He is moulding your character throughout. God doesnt expect you to understand but He expects you to trust Him? is this situation making you bitter or better?
God sometimes permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves.
you are His princess and He has the Best reserve for you. Let Him write your love story. Let Him weave the threads in your life. XX big hugs!!!
I completely understand where you're coming from. I have had things happen in my life and at times I've felt like...what's the point? But I do know that even when we feel that way, God is there, holding us and loving us through our pain. Knowing that He loves me has gotten me through many difficult times. I will be praying for you. Hugs and Blessings, Dee
Prayers are going up.
One thing that she didn't mention, and I'm assuming she might not have thought about, is that it is possible that God DID want him in her life for a reason, and that God DID want them to be together, but the thing to think about is for how long. Sure, we can feel that God wants someone in our lives, but they may only need to be in our lives for a certain amount of time. One great example is our teachers. The teachers we have in school from preschool through high school and/or college. Teachers make a huge impact in our lives, and yet they are only in our lives for so long. The same can go for all types relationships, including a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
And personally, I don't find it hard to believe in God.There are plenty of reasons why to believe in God, the most simple reason is that it would be impossible for anything to exist without him to have started it. The only hard thing is staying happy with him. I get angry at God at times, and I am pleased with him too. The only hard thing is looking for the reasons in why certain things happen. That is the frustrating thing. And you also have to remember that it's really unlikely for God to specifically speak to us directly, as is always said "he works in mysterious ways," and I find that to be very true. God does answer us, but it is up to us to be open enough to find his answer in the world around us. I also find that when praying, making up a heart-felt prayer specific to your problems or wishes seem to give a stronger response, at least for me it seems to.
Just hang in there, I'm sure if you keep your head on straight, your friends close, and get over the heartbreak of the situation, with or without finding the reason for the breakup, I'm sure your life will definitely turn around for the better. I find heartbreaks a test of our spiritual endurance, and to see how we will react to a situation.
In any case, I will keep you in my prayers.
I don't have a boyfriend. I have bad relationship with some friends. Some of my friends are malevolent. When i got a result which is better than them, they just grudge me and hurt me by saying some words with bad intension. They also tell others not to love me. I don't want to befriend with these people, but they still hurt me. They don't wish me to have any success in any section.
I find no way to forget the pain. But, i try to forgive them and pray for them due to the love of God. I understand that we should love each other if we are christian. So, i don't hate the people who did bad thing to me because i know that our god knows everything. The God loves his children. As the God said that if we want to follow him, we have to overcome many things. So, always pray and don't be discouraged!!
after 2 majorly disappointing relationships and getting very hurt, especially after the last one (the person was also a believer) I said forget this dating thing, Life was simpler and better with just me my guitar and Jesus. SO I just focused on worshiping him and serving more in church to help me not focus on my pain but focus on the greatness of who God is. The pain eventually went away, and was replaced with joy and peace and satisfaction of being alone (I've always hated being alone) So I kept serving and living and doing the single thing hanging out with friends believers and non believers alike till one day I met my wife and we dated and we got married. 3rd times the charm? No we had our ups and downs even while married but we always trust God even when it seems the darkest hour. We just need to trust and the rest will happen through his Grace, we just need to be patient and learn to be content in all situations. =)
i might not know exactly how she feels but i've had my share of heartbreak. i was in a relationship with this guy for over 2 years, a relationship which went so well and strong that it was like a heaven-sent. everything was well until about the last 2 months. everything came cumbling down and shortly after we broke up he started dating this other girl who was actually the catalyst of our breakup. but he put the blame on me. he was so cold and said many harsh words while it was actually him who was in self-denial, who wouldn't admit the real reason of the breakup was he wanted somebody else.
i don't remember how long it took me to get back on my feet. but trust me, the breakup itself isn't the biggest challenge to my faith. it's the 2.5 years of being single which follows (and continues) which shakes me. in many of the comments above i see people who are happy and strong in faith now because they have found somebody else. so i know how it sounds like when people tell her to persevere and keep faith - it is a logical thing to do but it just isn't what it feels like inside.
i'm still in the middle of this struggle although it does seem that as time goes by at least i've come to understand and appreciate the breakup itself. it freed me and helped me become who i am now. coming to think of it, i'm sure i'll be equally, if not more, happy when this struggle with being single is over.
and thanks to all the comments posted here. reading them gave me a lot of support (and tears). thank you folks.
@Happily_Married_Guy@xanga - Amen to that. We all need to ask for God's perspective in the situation, and see if we put something above God.
I have never had a long term relationship and then it broke up... I didn't have my first date until I was 25 and I married that person.
I have had situations with friends that went down hill though, I didn't get angry at God though, I realized I was trying to help a friend who didn't want help. In the end I realized I had to give her to God and walk away. I was hurt by it, but I learned a lot of lessons. I wanted to be in control of the situation and have things my way, but no one is ever in control of anything, we have to give it all to God.
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Available for handheld devices through AvantGo!
Buy the book online here.
Author: Warren Wiersbe
Source: Prayer, Praise and Promises
Scripture Reference: Psalm 69:8-9 John 2:17 Philippians 3:10 Psalm 69:13-21
No Comforters
Read Psalm 69:13-21
"Reproach has broken
my heart, and I am full of heaviness; I looked for someone to take
pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none" (v.
20). When we read Psalm 69, we meet Jesus Christ, for many verses from
this psalm are quoted in the New Testament, relating to Him. For
example, "I have become a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my
mother's children; because zeal for Your house has eaten me up, and the
reproaches of those who reproach You have fallen on me" (vv. 8,9; John
2:17). David is going through difficulty, and it is making him more
like Jesus. Therefore, it enabled him to reveal the Lord to us.
What breaks your
heart? Is it broken when you can't have your way? Is it broken when
something is taken away from you? Jesus and David both said, "Reproach
has broken my heart" (v. 20). What can you do about a broken heart?
David prayed, "Deliver me. Hear me. Draw near to my soul. Redeem me"
(vv. 14,16,18). And God answered him.
* * *Sometimes you bear
reproach because of others. You feel heavy, brokenhearted and alone.
But Jesus went through all of this for us. Be thankful that you can
share in the fellowship of His sufferings (Phil. 3:10). Also, while
others are going through this experience, be an encouragement to them.
If you've known what it's like to have a broken heart, and if you've
looked for someone to take pity, then you know how much it means to
have a friend. Today, find someone with a broken heart and start to
bring healing to him.
When your heart is
broken, be encouraged that Jesus knows what you are going through and
that you are becoming like Him. But there's another purpose: You can
help others whose hearts are broken. God will use you to help bring
healing to them. Don't waste your experiences; they have great value.
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A min