by
miss goldenrod
I don't have children. I am not widowed, divorced, separated, married, engaged, or dating. I don't have a life-threatening illness. I don't have a life-threatening addiction. I've graduated from college and have a good job. I'm on a Jesus-oriented track.
So what category am I to be placed into within the church?
I can almost see these questions being asked from the perspective of the church staff members who are responsible for integrating people into the church community. I have gone to the church book studies, the membership classes, the Sunday School classes, the ministry fairs, the Saturday grounds-keeping days, and have expressed an interest in other church events, yet I never receive any follow-up communications from the "church people."
I've thought about volunteering for the church coffeehouse, but I wonder, after all the efforts I've already made to gain camaraderie in the churches, if putting myself out there actually helps fulfill my desire to belong. Because I don't fit into any category in the churches, I can't really befriend people like myself.
I've gone into the community on my own to find people I can help...and while this isn't bad, I shouldn't be so desperate to find community that I must leave the church to do so.
Without fitting into one of the categories I initially began with, I feel as though all the church values me for is the money I drop into the tithes bucket and another name to add to their attendance column. The church is certainly able to place me in their community when I need pre-marriage counseling or crisis-support, but until then, they are confused about me...
Jesus has a purpose for me in this world, as I am, and therefore I must also have some purpose in the church.
Do you feel out of place at church? Have you ever had trouble figuring out where to serve?
Comments (21)
I'm the only person in my age group. The rest of the members are 35+ (most are over 50) or 13-. I'm also never actually up front listening to the sermon because I'm the pastor of the youth group. As such, I feel as though the most I learn is by studying by myself. This does leave me with a lot of questions, however.
@xoLiveandLovexo@xanga - Oh, jeez...I know how you feel. The pastor at the church when I was sixteen looked back at me. We have about 14 people, so sitting in the back bench is a big deal. But that's where the heaters are and I'm skin and bones. So he told me "come sit up here with us." I said, "No thanks, I'm fine back here." And he and his wife glared at me and he said, "Come sit up here with us NOW." I flatly said no. I finished out the sermon (I wouldn't shame my parents by leaving.) I then disappeared from church for several years.
If a pastor was that way, how could the whole congregation be any better? I then realized that I had to believe in my own faith, not the faith of our supposed leaders.
I never liked going to youth group as a teen, but only because it was very cliquish. I just didn't fit in, and the other teens never relally made a move to accept me. Most of their parents were friends so all these kids grew up together. Or these kids brought their friends and so these new friends were integrated into the clique. My youth pastor tried really, really hard to demolish the clique mentality, but to no avail. So I gave up on youth group and tried other church activities that were more youth-oriented. I joined the puppet team and it was so much fun! And I was on the team with teens like myself who "didn't quite fit in the youth group." And the cause was a good one. The sick, the old, and the children always enjoyed our visits, and the ministry brought many to Christ.
The church really needs to work at reuniting. Within individual churches, there's so much division. You have young families, reirees, youth group, the middle-aged wives club, and so on and so forth. Soon the members of the group seem to identify with the group more than they do with Christ.
Yes, and Yes, and Yes.
People act like being "almost 30" and single is a defect of sorts.
Singles groups are either 18 to 22 year olds who (as great as they may be) drive me INSANE with trivial things.
It's hard to find a comfortable place to serve.
But, then ... I guess it's not really about comfort, huh?
Dont feel left out. As long as you know that you are going to church for the right reasons, you should feel comfortable on the inside. These people that you go to church with should not judge you. They should respect you for having the inner strength to want to be with God, even in what might seem like an awkward or uncomfortable situation.
well, a start might be to find a new church, which isn't something I say lightly. find a Home church, or, if you are lucky, people who actually are mostly Christians who have a building. I'm not saying all large churches are bad, but if you can't find the Body in the place you attend, you need to have other fellowship, you can keep going there on top of going elsewhere as a voice of truth. that's my take.
Without putting too fine a point on it...Jesus brought those who weren't members of the community into his fold. He didn't EXCLUDE. He instead INCLUDED everyone, even those who didn't fit with what was going on in the community. THe message I get from that is this : A church is : A building.
It can also be a spiritual foundation to grow faith.
I don't think the two concepts are entirely related, nor should they be confused for each other. There isn't anything that says "You must be in a 'physical space' to worship or have fellowship..."
and I believe that as long as two people are together sharing community, fellowship, God is present and he knows.
But if church community is important to YOU don't stop looking...I'm sure you will find where you belong. Take care!
if you aren't being fed there then i would try to find a place that better suits you imo
but if you feel like the word there fulfills you then i would maybe ask to start a new club or group within the church that interests you...like maybe a dance troupe that can perform at the church some days or something else of that sort. i've felt left out at church plenty of times. the church i went to when i was younger was also a school. i didn't go to the school and so all of the people my age were friends with each other already and talked about what happened at school on friday and i just felt left out at all the functions
I can relate to these struggles of not fitting in anywhere. The clique mentality is ever prevalent, and me being one of the odd ones out, just don't fit anywhere. Yet, I have a role to play in my church and youth group, being one of the more spiritually matured and able to teach the younger youths. I am where I am now, because I see a need to be met which I can fulfill. Other than that, I myself still don't largely fit in.
Sometimes I feel like that too and we work in ministries.
Although I'm a married adult, I sometimes have a hard time fitting in. People my age are either dating or married with kids. We seem to be one of the very few couples who don't have kids yet and the longest married within our age group. It really makes it hard when we are at a gathering or something. I do feel out sometimes too. It happens.
As a single guy called to ministry in the Baptist (Protestant) church I find it difficult to fullfill my purpose. Either I am supposed to be engaged/married to get jobs or the ones I am at are always wondering why I am not dating... or am I gay? And as a male I am supposed to be at Mens Prayer Breakfasts every month where any bible studies and many prayer request consist of issues about being a husband. I try not to feel awkward and out of place but its hard. I mean, its hard enough dealing with issues on my own, but seemingly having them thrown in my face stinks as well. I know most poeple in church mean no harm - but singles feel out of place in churches. And unlike other singles who may decide not to go to church at all or some sundays because of insecurities, friends not going, ect - as a minister I have to go because its my job. I want to be the youth minister at church, but sometimes being single makes it diffuicult.
I'm a classical composer who enjoys contemporary worship music, and someone who holds to conservative theology but speaks in tongues. I've often joked that my ideal church would be a Charismatic church that sings Palestrina motets in Latin, alternated with the occasional Robin Mark or Bluetree song.
If anyone knows of a church where people like me would fit in, I'd be quite interested to hear about it. (For one thing, are there any people like me?)
I've pretty much given up any desire of "fitting in" anywhere, church or otherwise, and focused on being the person God has created me to be and helping the people He puts in my path. Our culture puts way too much value on fitting in anyway. Conformity is seriously overrated.
This is the story of my life.
hmmm... yes, I often feel like I don't quite fit the puzzle hole the
rest of the church expects me to fill. I'm a minister's wife.
You
said something interesting though, that I can relate to and had to
overcome. You said, "I can't really befriend people like myself." I
couldn't befriend people like myself, because I was only one of three
minister's wives. I had to learn how to befriend people NOT like myself.
@k_stin@xanga, @merquryd@xanga - My mother told me that when God's children start whining as I had done, that he'll sometimes put the responsibility on the whiner to fix the problem! I hope not...
@Doubledb@xanga, @Wukei@xanga - Encouraging that a minister has this problem as well.
@camdenjoneses@xanga - You're right...I do need to befriend others, and this is something that I've tried, but surely not hard enough. Very well said.
@AnieT@xanga - Thank you for sharing. You helped me see another perspective, both you and Doubledb and Camdenjoneses: that likely, no one feels as though they fit into the church community.
@xoLiveandLovexo@xanga , @Wukei@xanga - Isn't it horrible when youth get treated in such ways in the church?! I had a similar experience happen to me when I was 15 years-old. I was raised in non-denominational churches, where we don't dress innappropriately, yet make-up, jewelry, and clothing that doesn't resemble a burlap sack are the normal wear for women.
I was invited to a conservative Baptist church by some guy-friends, and though I asked them what was and wasn't acceptable as far as dress-code, they told me I'd be fine with whatever. So, I wore make-up, jeans, and a short-sleave, scoop-neck sweater. Oops.
Without naming me or pointing me out per se, the youth pastor used me as an example of what "good Christians don't do."
@Cygnus33@xanga - That is horrible. I don't understand how those people don't realize that they are giving Christians a bad name! It isn't our place to judge... it's God's.
@Cygnus33@xanga - minister are people too, just like everyone else. We have our problems. We are human and sinful too, trying to become more godly/holy like other Christians. Only our calling is to lead. I am not as afraid to admit I have problems and be myself like some minister do/pretend. I just have to be careful how open I am in certain places and times.
I know how ya feel. I moved back to home after college, and didn't fit anywhere. Everyone my age is married, many with kids. And the singles in my church my age are military guys...good eye candy :), but nothing like me. So I went to a female class, where everyone was old enough to be my mother, and even grandmother. But I've started to serve, and have gotten to know many people that I now consider friends. So give the serving a try, you never know what might happen.
I can soooooooooo relate, although I have single/divorced/kids/ kind of labels that might get me into those kind of groups - I still don't "fit". I also can see those who are in charge of putting people in the right place, running through lists in their mind and suggesting people I may have a lot in common with. I fit in lots of places, I get along with almost everyone, but I don't FIT.