Tuesday, 20 May 2008
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Dating Series - Part 1
From my last post, I mentioned that I'm getting married. YAY!
I know that finding someone isn't easy, but let me tell you that happily ever after doesn't start as soon as you find someone. There were a lot of misconceptions I had about dating. Here's a list of things that I learned during my dateship (I don't really like the word courtship since it sounds so medieval. So dateship is date + courtship - court = dateship).
1. No one can read your mind except for God.
No one is perfect. Mr. Plumeria was the first guy that I dated seriously. Since he was the first guy in my life that I thought could be the ONE, I immediately expected him to be a perfect and set a high standard for him. Why shouldn't I? If he was to be my future spouse, he should live up to all my expectations and more, RIGHT?? Sorry - WRONG. No one can meet every expectation like reading your mind. Setting expectations is good, but they have to be somewhat achievable. We got into a lot of arguments in the beginning because I wanted him to know exactly what I was thinking without actually telling him what it was. That's the quickest formula to disappointment.
2. People make mistakes.
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, but when you're in a dateship, each mistake is magnified. Unless it's a mistake that can destroy your relationship (ie, cheating, serial lying, etc...), and there's no harmful intention behind it, you should offer some grace to the other person. Fortunately for me, Mr. Plumeria is the more gracious, forgiving, and understanding one in the relationship. But I'm not. Each mistake he made reminded me that he wasn't perfect and that made me more disappointed in him. People make mistakes and my mistake was thinking that he shouldn't and couldn't make any mistakes.
3. No one is Prince Charming.
No one is perfect. We live in the REAL world. Not MTV's real world, but a place where things are imperfect and we have to put in effort to make things work. Growing up, I loved fairy tales. And I admit that I was one of those girls that wanted my Prince Charming to come rescue me from my singlehood. Mr. Plumeria came into my life, but he wasn't Prince Charming. He was a real person who wasn't make-believe. The story doesn't end after he rescues you from singlehood, but rather it just begins...
4. You have to put in effort.
No one is perfect. If one person puts in A LOT of effort and the other one doesn't, it's really exhausting. I thought that after I found someone, he would do all the work since he's the one that pursued me. And during the pursuit, he did all the work anyways. But once you decide to be in a relationship, it takes TWO people to put in effort. If you don't want to put in any effort, you're not ready to be in a relationship. Most guys don't mind putting in more effort, but you need to do your part too and show them that you appreciate what they do for you.
There are a lot more lessons that I learned, but I'll save them for another time. In the meantime, what are some things that you've learned during your dateship?
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Comments (67)
Cheers to this post! I really like it! Especially point #4. It actually reminded me of my 2years relationship with my bestfriend. Sad to say, he did a lot of efforts while wooing me, then after deciding to say yes to him, little by little, his sweetness and all lessend. Nonetheless, I don't care anymore.. I was just too stupid to give him everything I have. But thanks God for He's given me another chance and He has forgiven me for thinking and doing my own will.
Anycase, congrats to you! When are you getting married? I didn't know you were a woman =P
God bless you and your future spouse! (:
Those are some good points, I'm looking forward to reading part 2!
@greekphysique - yeaaa me too! Anyways, thanks for the drop by eh =)
thanks guys!
Hello.
Very true.
Yay for this post! I can definitely relate to all these points. I especially struggled with number 1 and 2. Looking forward to more insight! =)
Those messages are important, and though i've heard it millions of times, it can never be bad to belabor me with them.
very good post - i really enjoyed it. :) congrats, by the way! i think it is great when people who have gone through relationships will share what they've learned and debunk some of the myths that we are so quick to believe! :)
hmmm. what did i learn in my dateship. i learned that my mr. book (my hubby, although im not mrs. book, im more mrs. party) also couldn't read my mind. hahahahhahaha.
part 2 please!
it sounds like mr. plumeria is a really deficient boyfriend!! j/k
I beg to differ, while I may not have a castle, my middle name is Charming. Furthermore, Professor X and many other imaginary characters can read minds too--not just God.
congrats!!! and thanks for sharing this post...i guess i need this too...
the most important part of all of this i feel is your first line in each section..."no one is perfect."
thanks for sharing. now what about part 2?
This is a great post! Thank you for sharing your valuable insights!
WHAT I WOULD CHANGE IF GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE:
1. I would be very careful never to rebuke the girl I love, either in public or private.
2. I would buy a good set of tools and, whether I knew how to use them or not, I would do my level best to fix everything around the home needing fixing.
3. I would do my best to listen to her twice as much as talk to her.
4. I would find something about her every day to praise her for.
5, I would win the total approval of her parents, especially her mother.
Again, thanks for an excellent post!
I thought this was an awesome post. Very insightful points. To be honest, I'm young, and considering I'm still dating my first and only boyfriend (2 years now), I may seem very inexperienced, but I really feel like he and I have some great potential. I've learned all of the things you mentioned (he has dated someone before me, so he has as well), and we have what I think is a very healthy, good relationship.
I think my only real addition is for all of those young, star-struck lovers out there. There comes a time when it cannot be all about romance. Being in a relationship, a serious one that one really wants to keep going, is not always going to be this wonderful experience when one is just Oh-so happy with this other person, and one can forgive him for almost anything they do, etc. There are times when things slow down a while, and it takes work from both sides to keep things alive. One can't expect the other to be perfect, which is precisely what you are saying.
Good luck to all couples. Looking forward to part dos.
Amen! I'm ready for Part. 2
"on the daaaateship, Lollypop, it's a sweeeet trip, to the candy shop where bonbons plaaaay, on the sunny beach of Peppermint Baaaaay...."
I totally agree.
I'm a habitual dreamer in the "true love" and "happily every after"
theories, although I know they are not true. My whole life, my mom
told me "love isn't enough." It was years before I learned that
relationships need truth, honestly, trust, teamwork, friendship,
responsibility, shared goals, and most importantly, the desire to work
through the tough times, in addition to love. Without those things, it
is doomed to fail.
Congratulations on your engagement! And thank you for inventing the word dateship. It does sound so much better than courtship.
Grampa_David's advice is excellent. I should leave it lying around somewhere for my luffer to fund.
P.S. Congrats!
I agree...no one is perfect...u can't judge a person at the first sight but u got to take the time to know someone....and sometime it doesn't matter who approaches who first